YEE - LEN - HOO - OYL

𝙗𝙡𝙪𝙚 𝙚𝙮𝙚𝙨, 𝙛𝙞𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙞𝙜𝙣. 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙖 𝙜𝙖𝙮 𝙘𝙤𝙬𝙗𝙤𝙮 𝙗𝙚𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙘𝙤𝙤𝙡.

[crystalclearpics]

[gyllnhaall1]

you know, playing the long con with the paps does have a certain appeal. we could go full method actor, gloomy faces, the works. they'd eat it up, and we'd have the last laugh over a bottle of wine, chuckling about the 'tragic love story' they invented. but let's face it, the only time i'm rocking a frown around you is when i'm deep in thought about whether i should have pizza or tacos for dinner. and as for the paps, i've got a drawer full of superglue with their names on it – metaphorically speaking, of course. she's the only person who makes 5 am look like a time worth being awake. her smile could give the sun a run for its money. now, onto the spandex – i was thinking more along the lines of a spandex tuxedo. we'd blind the guests with our fabulousness. my heart might be soft as marshmallows around you, but when you said 'yes,' it turned into the toughest diamond. as for wedding prep, we're a dynamic duo, but even batman and robin needed alfred, right? so, maybe getting a little help isn't admitting defeat; it's just ensuring we don't turn into bridezilla and groom... kong? we're going all out for this wedding – no express lane for us. it's going to be the shindig of the century. our visions, our rules. i'm in it for the long haul, and by the end of our epic wedding weekend, people won't just need sunglasses from our dazzling attire, they'll need them because our love will be shining brighter than any sparkle we could wear. love you more than pizza, and that's saying something.

[velvetysage]

I think the only thing I want to give them is nothing. Been told since the day I was born to act as if they don’t exist and I do think that’s what I do best. I mean they’re just scumbags who couldn’t get a proper education and job so they set out to make others miserable instead and be the most disrespectful. So treating them with silence and no recognition is by far the best treatment they can get. Oh yes and metaphorically speaking, I absolutely support that babe. Yeah well your thinking face in the kitchen and overall when it comes to food, is where I take a step back and just let you do your thing. I’ve learned not to meddle. There’s this thing they call passenger princess right? Is that it? I don’t know.. But I’m that equivalent, but in the kitchen. I promise to forever be so supportive of all your ideas and concoctions — which is why I won’t object completely to said spandex tuxedos. But the biggest part of me is hoping you’re joking and I will eventually dismiss the idea. Not that I’m opposed to you in spandex — just maybe not in front of every single person we know and love. We’re gonna blind them no matter what we wear alright. Yeah and it’s been over a month and I still react in chock every time I catch a glimpse of the ring. It’s like a daily reminder that oh right, that happened.. which I still find on the verge of insane. But also the second greatest moment in my life. As much as I would love to see Jake Gyllenhaal go full groom kong and make that a thing - I don’t think getting some help would be the worst thing. There is always so much more that goes into the planning and booking and everything than you can imagine. And with our schedules and life in general, we would probably benefit from a third person helping us clear up some things. But hell yes we are. It’s all or nothing and we’re set in this one I’d say. I mean, our people would never forgive us if we didn’t put up the greatest weekend and party of the year. I only plan on getting married one more time, which is why we go big. We’re gonna have everything we want and more, cause why shouldn’t we? Great babe, I’ll put free sunglasses for all on the list. Sort of like when you’re handed 3D glasses at the movies. More than pizza? Wow that’s… that’s a lot of love. I’m gonna need a moment to let that settle in…… Okay settled. I love you just as much.

[gyllnhaall1]

silence as a weapon? oh, i can get behind that. it's like giving them the cold shoulder, but frostier. you're basically elsa from 'frozen' without the catchy tunes. let those scumbags go, am i right? now, about my "thinking face" and the kitchen magic. you stepping back is the best support act i could ask for. i'll be the culinary wizard, you be the awe-struck audience...or rather, the 'supportive silent partner', since 'audience' apparently triggers the riley alarm. and hey, 'passenger princess' in the kitchen has a nice ring to it—no pun intended. spandex tuxedos? look, i’m all for making a statement, but i don’t want our wedding to be remembered as 'the great spandex eclipse of 2024'. your relief is palpable and noted. we'll go for blinding them with our dazzling love, not our dazzling... spandex. about the ring-induced shock—you're just living in a rom-com, and that's the twist; you actually said yes to a guy who jokes about spandex tuxedos. but it's the second greatest moment, huh? i'm curious about the first now, but no pressure. groom kong, tempting, but you're right, we might need a wedding planner. the weekend will be epic, and not just because we're throwing it. it's a one-and-done deal, so we’re going to crank this up to eleven. love more than pizza? that's the highest form of flattery in my book. so right back at you, just as much love, with an extra slice on top.

[emrcssum]

It’s a real thing and not just some made up phrase, trust me. Our minds are like two steps ahead because of the kids and then about fifty steps back, that’s where we think of ourselves and where you find the shelf of us making some form of sense. Ahead of that? Simply nothing makes sense and we’re excused. Ooooh don’t say audience. It sounds like you’re putting on a show and I’m sure if you say that to Riley, she’ll give you the dead eye warning. I might just have saved your skin there buddy, you’re welcome. But I mean, without a single joke, it wouldn’t be you. Thanks Jake, I do my best to set a good example. You just gotta learn to tame the mane and it makes it all the more manageable and the earlier she learns, the easier it will get. I’d say so yes, better than in a long time. Might also be in the midst of planning a wedding. But we need to not talk about that, cause you’re still getting married and I am over the moon for you Gyllenhaal.

[gyllnhaall1]

i get it though, we're like those old computers trying to run the latest games—there's a lot of buffering involved, especially with kids turning the brain into a merry-go-round. and "audience," huh? i'll remember that. riley's dead eye is no joke; it's like staring down the business end of a laser pointer. consider my skin saved, and my gratitude is as endless as an all-you-can-eat buffet. taming the mane, huh? i'll take that advice to the bank. and hey, if riley gets that down pat, she’ll be the zen master of kindergarten. now, about this covert wedding planning operation you've got going on. lips sealed, eyes averted, but i'm secretly sending you a high-five for that. who are you marrying? if i may ask. of course i may ask, duh, i'm expecting an invite soon. and thanks for the excitement about my own ball-and-chain adventure. it's like being the star of my own action movie, except the mission is to say 'i do' without tripping over my own feet. cheers to taming manes and planning games. let's just hope these weddings of ours don't end up with a soundtrack by murphy's law.

[velvetysage]

If there are any headlines for us to make, it’s to have them photograph us with our miserable faces along with the headlines of “Has the love run out in the sand..” — you know, just to play the game and keep people on their toes. Make people think we’re miserable when it’s the complete opposite. That way we can also teach them a lesson once they learn we’re all good. That just because things may not look all sunshine and daisies, does not mean that  is the reality of it. Then again — I rarely find myself looking miserable in your presence. But the paps sure makes me feel like I’d like to superglue all their fingers together. Yeah right? Even when she wakes one up at 5 AM and you feel like death on two legs - with her smile? It makes even those mornings feel like buttered toast. No spandex? Oh c’mon babe, we gotta give them a show. I think add some sparkle and reflective fabric and our gear will work its way to be cooler than theirs. Yeah no my heart is only tough as nails when needed to be - and that is rarely in your presence. I hadn’t even had that much wine and it doesn’t matter when or where it would have been, I would have said yes in every scenario possible. I don’t doubt you and your socks skills — especially not on a day like your wedding day. As long as we stay organised and make lists, I think we’ll be fine. Do you think we should and can do it all ourselves? Or are we better off hiring someone to help us? Yeah no, no quick weddings here. We’re doing this in the way we deserve to have our wedding, or we’re not doing it all. Well… you know what I mean. I know that babe, and I love you for it and so many more reasons. I’ve also been on this journey before, so I really just want your visions to come to life more than anything. Our visions. We make a good team — it’ll be the best wedding weekend ever.

[gyllnhaall1]

you know, playing the long con with the paps does have a certain appeal. we could go full method actor, gloomy faces, the works. they'd eat it up, and we'd have the last laugh over a bottle of wine, chuckling about the 'tragic love story' they invented. but let's face it, the only time i'm rocking a frown around you is when i'm deep in thought about whether i should have pizza or tacos for dinner. and as for the paps, i've got a drawer full of superglue with their names on it – metaphorically speaking, of course. she's the only person who makes 5 am look like a time worth being awake. her smile could give the sun a run for its money. now, onto the spandex – i was thinking more along the lines of a spandex tuxedo. we'd blind the guests with our fabulousness. my heart might be soft as marshmallows around you, but when you said 'yes,' it turned into the toughest diamond. as for wedding prep, we're a dynamic duo, but even batman and robin needed alfred, right? so, maybe getting a little help isn't admitting defeat; it's just ensuring we don't turn into bridezilla and groom... kong? we're going all out for this wedding – no express lane for us. it's going to be the shindig of the century. our visions, our rules. i'm in it for the long haul, and by the end of our epic wedding weekend, people won't just need sunglasses from our dazzling attire, they'll need them because our love will be shining brighter than any sparkle we could wear. love you more than pizza, and that's saying something.

[emrcssum]

Oh I would’ve paid it should I have been given one — I’m well aware it all comes a bit late. But I’m sure you’ve been drowning in messages too, that mine is just another one in the bunch. I blame the mom brain — that’s a valid reason right? And you have to agree cause otherwise I’ll rat to Riley how you don’t believe mom brain to be a good enough excuse. One would hope so after all this time. I see, you’ve learned your lesson. Honestly, I think you’ve gathered up a bit more common sense since back then. — Is it really that difficult to believe? If anything, I’m more surprised it took this long. Trust me, not that I’m judging. You’ve just always been a great man and you deserve someone to share it all with. When the day comes, you’ll be far too excited to even sound remotely sarcastic. That’s when I think it’s more important to have practised how to hold your tears back so you can actually get a word out. — Ah, thank you. Been trying to appreciate them again and stay away from the chemical straightening ever since I had my first daughter. She has the same curls so wouldn’t want her growing up, thinking she has to ruin her hair to keep it a certain way. Nevertheless, I’m all good thanks. Had one heck of a year, but feels like things are finally coming together again - so not in a position to complain really.

[gyllnhaall1]

you've got me there. i can't argue with the mom-brain defense; it's like a get-out-of-jail-free card for the 21st century. and sure, go ahead and tell riley – i stand by the power of mom brain. you know, i'm flattered by the whole "great man" spiel. i'll try not to be the guy making jokes at the altar just to keep from getting too misty-eyed. even though, gotta keep the audience entertained, right? and hey, props to you for embracing the natural look. setting an example for your little one is top-notch parenting in my book. it's all about those curls and confidence and you look as beautiful as ever, rossum. sounds like you've had a rollercoaster of a year, but i'm stoked to hear things are smoothing out. life's got a funny way of throwing us in a blender, but it sounds like you're coming out of it with a pretty good mix.

[gyllnhaall1]

hey, so, since riley briefly introduced us at the globes, i thought i should make more of an effort to get to know her friends. sooo... what's your favorite jake gyllenhaal movie? / @camixmorrone

[gyllnhaall1]

dude, it's crazy how we let so much time go by, like we're not each other's favorite co-stars. how have you been? you were killing it during the argylle promo. / @hcavill

[ryaanross]

I'm not okay with this Road House business. Pretty soon it's going to be everywhere, with you, and your shirt off, looking all buff and delicious. You know, my wife has eyes, Jake. | @gyllnhaall

[gyllnhaall1]

ah, don't you worry, buddy. i'll keep the shirt on just for you... or maybe i'll start a trend of wearing two shirts, just to be safe. wouldn't want to cause any domestic disturbances. besides, let's be honest, the only thing i'm really buffing these days is my car. and tell your wife not to fret; i'm pretty sure i look more like a "before" picture in those weight loss commercials!

[gyllenhaalstories]

Take it outside.

Jake Gyllenhaal as Elwood Dalton in ROAD HOUSE (2024).

[gyllnhaall1]

tabloids just straight-up jealous of our 'stone cold' love story if they ever decide to splash us across their front pages, it's obvious. amelia is my north star in this crazy universe of ours. her smile? it's the ultimate cheat code—makes every issue feel like a freakin’ cakewalk. conquering the world? easy with you by my side. it's not a question of 'if,' but 'when.' we're like batman and robin, but with way cooler gear and zero spandex. okay maybe not cooler gear. and yeah, being committed for life? you were all in, babe, and it wasn't the wine talking—it was your heart, even if it acts tough as nails. please, babe, i can spot sarcasm a mile away. and those socks? they're a bold fashion move, a rebellion against the tyranny of the sock drawer. when it comes to planning the wedding, it's all about divide and conquer. i'll handle the spreadsheets, you take care of everything else and together we'll make this wedding planning sesh unforgettable. can you really plan a wedding in just one night? luckily, we've got something way more epic than a quickie wedding up our sleeves. just so you know, i’d wait a lifetime to marry you rather than not give you the day of your dreams, with the man of your dreams.

[tayloralllison]

i hate to agree with you, but you're not wrong. i was salivating over the cake two weeks prior to my birthday. glad to be of service. you know, it's something about that cheshire cat smile that just inspires me to crush it. let the games begin.

[gyllnhaall1]

well, if agreeing with me is a chore, i'll make sure to be outrageously wrong next time just to keep things spicy for you. the cheshire cat grin, my signature move! it's all part of my charm offensive—disarms the opposition, wins over the crowds, and apparently, it's a muse for billionaire popstars. but all jokes aside, how have you been, swift? apart from, you know, making the difference as chris hemsworth's girlfriend?

[pascclpedroo]

Alright folks, now that the holidays are over what are we all up to? What are we looking forward to? Just the other day my oldest son told me that January through March is like a time warp...we all exist during this time frame but nothing exacting is happening, but I refuse to believe that. I'm also not sure why a kid of fifteen is telling me we're in a time warp. Kids these days...so ahead of their time. @hillsfmsstarters

[gyllnhaall1]

i can tell you why the kid thinks we're in a time warp – it's because everything between new year's day and the first hint of spring is just a series of grey mondays. exciting, right? and hey, those kids might be onto something with their 'time warp' theory. maybe we should all take a page out of their book and get ahead of our time – like inventing a new holiday! how about we celebrate 'mid-winter mischievousness day'? a day dedicated to shaking up the mundane with a bit of mischief and laughter, buddy.

[velvetysage]

Something a long those lines yeah. Too big for words to even grasp it you know? Speechless? There are no words? That sort of thing. Always the non existent chopped onions, you know I'm all for the lamest of excuses. After all we have to keep up our stone cold image to not give away to the world that we're actually quite warm, emotional and sensitive people. Can you imagine if that got out in the world? — It's one of those good old clichés of I do not know how I would have gotten through it if it hadn't been for you. And before you say anything, yes, maybe I would have. But I'm very thankful I didn't have to know what it would have been like to go through it all and not find you as some sort of light in all the darkness. It's as if you've been put in my life whenever I've needed the energy you bring the most. And thank god for having a reason to get out of bed most days, besides Amelia. Or not get out of bed. It's cause you let me be vulnerable in a safe space when I need to be, and also help be back up when I need the support. Honestly could not wish for a better support system than you and your arms and kind of still over the moon and will forever be, that that is the rest of my life. You could say that a thousand times and I don't think I could fathom that we're actually going to be husband and wife. No way.. maybe a little way.. but it's our wedding and we should both equally decide on things. Even if you then proceed to say it's my call, i'll still be asking for your opinion and consider most things; except that. — Are you kidding me? That's still on you mister. Coming with one thing and another.. how could I ever say no? But yes planning needs to commence. And we'll need lots of wine.. and coffee.

[gyllnhaall1]

don't worry, your secret's safe with me. wouldn't want to tarnish our reputations as stoic statues. can you imagine if our secret soft side became breaking news? 'local couple actually have feelings: more at 11.' that'd be the day, huh? but hey, i've got to admit, those non-existent onions sure do get around. always lurking around the corner when you least expect it. about getting through the thick and thin – i'm touched, truly. but let's not kid ourselves; you're the real mvp here. you've got that resilience that's just contagious, you know? it's like, whenever you're around, i can't help but feel like i'm ready to take on the world. amelia's one lucky kid, inheriting that superpower of yours. hey, hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves with the whole 'husband and wife' spiel. i mean, we're still in the 'i can't believe you actually agreed to marry this goofball' phase. but about the wedding – i'm on board with the whole partnership deal, but you're not pinning the flower arrangements on me. no way. i've got enough trouble picking out socks that match. but wine and food? that's where i shine. we'll make one heck of a planning duo. now, let's get to planning this shindig before we end up eloping to vegas – which, by the way, is still a valid option in my book.

[pcdropcscal]

Nah, I think I'm going to make you wait a whole year in order to see that long post. I get it though, I feel like we've both just been avoiding to communication part since Spain. So, I don't hold it against you. I just don't want us avoiding each other again. Aww, I'm so happy for you. Make sure to treat her right and love her always. She's a great person and I have no doubt you two will live happily ever after.

[gyllnhaall1]

a whole year? ouch, that's cold—remind me to never get on your bad side. but yeah, spain feels like a lifetime ago, doesn't it? i guess life just got in the way, as it tends to do. no hard feelings, though; we've both been caught up in the whirlwind. i appreciate the kind words, really. i've got the 'treating her right' part down to an art form, and the 'loving her always' bit is the easiest promise i've ever had to make. she's pretty much the only person who can make me turn off the sarcasm for a second and get all mushy. let's not do the whole 'avoiding each other' dance again, yeah? 

[emrcssum]

Do I head that congratulations are in order? Maybe a bit late even and I've got no good excuse for it. Unless you want me to lie to you? But I mean, last time I did that — you didn't dare to go to the bathroom when it was storming outside. I mean, who really falls for thinking that you can't use the toiled during a thunderstorm cause you may get electrocuted? At least it's been a couple of years and I take it your intelligence levels have bettered. Or maybe not at all? — Back to the point, I am really happy for you Jake. Can you believe it yourself? You're going to be someone's husband and someone is going to be your wife. | @gyllnhaall

[gyllnhaall1]

thanks a bunch, rossum. for the record, i'm drafting a bill to outlaw congratulating folks more than a week late, but for you, i'll make an exception. no need to lie, i've come to expect this level of tardiness from you—it's part of your charm. as for the thunderstorm bathroom fiasco, let's just say i've upgraded my survival instincts since then, or so i hope. i now only take advice from people who don't believe in urban legends—or at least those who don't use them to prank gullible friends. can i believe it? some days, i'm as shocked as anyone. i mean, who'd have thought someone would take on the herculean task of making an honest man out of me? and yet, here we are, picking out napkin colors and practicing saying "i do" without sounding sarcastic. but hey, i'm all in. but enough about me, how are you? curls look good on you.

[j-jackm]

Overpriced liquid kale is by far the best way I've ever seen it described. I think i'm going to have to steal that one. What do you mean feeling like, does buying erewhons smoothies not make me a wellness guru? Oh really? We'll have to catch up sometime and talk about it.

[gyllnhaall1]

absolutely swipe that line; i've got plenty more where that came from, trademark free and all. and yeah, chugging down a fancy kale concoction might give you that temporary 'glow', but i hate to burst your bubble – it takes more than a pricey green sludge to join the wellness pantheon. i mean, if you're not doing yoga on a paddleboard at sunrise, are you even trying? but sure, let's definitely catch up. i can fill you in on the latest health fads i've pretended to be interested in. we can grab a coffee – something with a reasonable number of syllables in its name, deal?

[velvetysage]

rileykeough: forever won't be long enough with you. 🤍

@gyllnhaall