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I just want to know if it’s even possible to get better, because honestly it feels like I was born this way

One of the reasons I want to get better is so that you’d like me again, so that it would be okay for me to be around you again, but I can’t do it. I’m unstable, irrational and I feel like I’m never going to be better and I’ll continue to be either a bad influence or just a plain nuisance to everyone around me because man I’m trying so hard and yet I’m still not good enough

#confession

and with that I think I’m going to stop using this and start writing down my thoughts somewhere else, like I probably should have done all along

and blocking isn’t working loL GREAT

Its 10:40pm, I have successfully stopped crying and burnt off all the calories I ate today (although I still think I'll gain) Think I'm gonna call it a night instead of staying up till midnight doing an essay Tomorrow will be better

I'm really breaking. I can't make myself work. I don't care about any of this. I don't care about my future or anything about my health. The idea that I might die actually comforts me, it encourages me to eat less. When I think about it I just feel peaceful. I don't think I'm meant to live, I'm going no where, I don't want to go anywhere. The only thing i really want to achieve is starving myself. Its all I am and I hate that, but if I got rid of it id be nothing. My dad keeps asking why I'm not working and I just want to break down and tell him that I can't concentrate because I'm either so hungry I can't think or voices are yelling. I want to tell him that im not his ambitious little girl anymore, im nothing. I want to tell him that I don't want to wake up anymore and that I'm sorry because he gave me such a great life but I just can't enjoy it, Im always going to be a disappointment. Im not good enough for anybody.

Ten minutes in to a practice essay and I do not care

Too scared to sleep frick idek what's wrong im just scared of tomorrow

Im going to Jake's in 20 mins and even though he's probably my closest friend im super nervous about being with just one other person like what if I'm boring or annoying ahsvddv

Only been fasting for six hours and im already light headed and unable to concentrate ffs why am I so weak Gonna try and wake myself up with exercise

The adults were all making fun of each others weights and I was so scared that one of them was about to say something about me because I'm the whaliest whale with skinny parents and skinny sisters

I was going to get up but then I started crying again wtf is wrong with me I AM WASTING REVISION TIME

Last night was the first time someone had messaged me first in quite a while but I doubt he will again anytime soon because I was boring and annoying and accidentally came across as really pessimistic yay for social skills Super low this morning, really want to pick myself up because have so much work to do and also its our last day on holiday so I want to enjoy it- which means lots of restricting and even more exercising funfunfun

Im now carrying 4 days worth of food inside of me and I feel so sick and low and disgusting People are going out after leavers breakfast but idk kinda just wanna go home...but I should go out for a bit

*lowkey was suicidal last night but really trying to enjoy my last day of school*

Its our second to last day of school and I am so low Im not even sad im just too tired, I feel like a zombie but I don't know why, I should be able to handle a lot more than this with less food

Couldn't sleep for ages because my chest was hurting so much, talking to jake made me feel worse and more importantly im stressing him out And after all that I didn't even lose anything yesterday

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