the feeling i am having at this moment is loneliness. i am past the feeling of wishing we were together because of the feelings we had for each other. i understand we both have moved onto making our careers and own individual paths come to life. but why do i still feel like i need him even tho when i see pictures of us or imagine him here or even think about speaking to him, it doesnāt feel the same?
its because i miss the feeling of being safe. of being comfortable without facing any challenge by myself. towards the end of the relationship i notice that we did everything together. tackled any problem i hadā¦together. we started growing as a unit instead of two individuals. so by the time he left, i am less affected that i lost him but more so that i lost myself. i was so comfortable with sharing my losses and failures and being comforted in those losses but never really pushed out of them or had to force myself to reflect. i was too comfortable.
looking from another POV so i will pretend that i am speaking to a friend:
he has left and that is out of your control. if he comes back, that is okay and you will figure it out when you get there. if he doesnāt come back, that is okay and you will keep it moving. waiting around and thinking about how great he would be in a future family, reminiscing on the cute dates you two had, or imagining the text messages you would exchange in present day does absolutely NOTHING except allow you to focus on the hurt and focus on what you currently donāt have. so free yourself and allow yourself to focus on the lessons that relationship gave you and to focus on the love you can give to yourself. if you want to focus on your future family, imagine how amazing of a mother you will be. imagine your dream car, your dream house. imagine the life lessons you can give to your daughters because you chose to choose yourself in this moment and by then you have learned how to heal ALL BY YOURSELF. if you want to focus on the cute dates you two had, take yourself out. make new memories of taking yourself on datesāgym dates, cooking dates, study dates. romanticize the time you have while your single bc falling in love with yourself in your 20s is the greatest gift you can give yourself and it will give you the greatest peace. if you want to text someone about something in the present, write it. journal it. blog it. video record. voice memo. let it out and let yourself practice articulating your feelings and expressions. this will allow you to have something to look back on and see the progression of your growth. if your looking for validation with that specific task, you donāt need it. you donāt need anyone to tell you that you are amazing.Ā because you are and you just need to believe it without an external source feeding it to you.Ā
i know it hurts to let go bc youāre afraid that you will forget. but not letting go is keeping you from taking the next step towards falling for yourself and investing time into your own passions and finding other things that you might fall in love with. if its meant to be, it will be. and if its not, you will be okay. so donāt waste your time waiting around to see if it works out or that he might text you. bc that is completely out of your control and the only thing you are doing is wasting the time you need to grow. you know that you shouldnāt text him. that is intuition and a gut feeling because you know that thatās not an action that promotes self love and self growth. instead, that is reminiscing in the past and trying to put a bandaid on a wound. i know youāre hurt that it happened but donāt let that unfortunate situation stop you from becoming a woman you have always dreamed of being. letting go of the love you had for that relationship is allowing that love to be focused on yourself and your growth.
