I’m trying to make it better by talking about the problem and facing it. It always leads to endless discussions until I cry though. It actually makes it worse and I feel even more depressed. I just need someone to listen to my thoughts, someone who would accept anything I say, no matter how serious or how foolish it sounds. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything. It’s just so hard to express all of my feelings.
The thing I worry about most is the fact that if I lose you I will stand there all alone. I will lose everything I have. I’m so goddamn scared of my future, our future together. Even though it is a hard time for us now, you need to be strong for me. I know I’m asking for so much but I need someone to protect me from myself.
I’m making it so hard for you to pass the time with me, I know. We shouldn’t get it over with, we should face it and clean it off instead of brushing it aside. I know it’s mainly me, but I’m trying so hard. I can only get over something by talking about it until im clear with it. I can’t forget it, but I have to learn to accept it. I tried too many times but I’m just suppressing the past. Now my past caught up on me and I can’t get passed it.
I’m seeing a therapist because of you, hoping I’d get better. Please don’t push me and put me under pressure of healing all of my wounds. Rushing it will create ugly scars. I’m calling out for slow but gradual recovery. Please don’t give me an ultimatum. I know it’s been a long time already but I need it, I need time.
I wish you’d be more caring and understanding towards my mental illness. To overcome it, I need to get support. Meaning, whenever I get triggered, I need to be calmed down. I won’t realise myself what I’m doing because the trigger in my head is taking over the control and I lose it. I know it is a big thing to ask from you. I know it’s hard to deal with me in a difficult situation and I know I should try to be better too. I just need someone to show me, to teach me happiness. I need someone who is willing to take a step towards me. Someone who opens up to me, so that I can open up too and walk towards to - in order to build trust.
And I’m sorry for acting in a jealous way. I’m just so scared that you found someone better than me, someone nicer, kinder, prettier, skinnier, or just happier than me. It’s my jealousy that makes me act like this. I’m fighting with you because I don’t want you to be with another girl. I want to tell you but I can’t forbid you what to do, you’re a free person. I just want to be certain that I’m not being cheated on. I want to trust you.
We have to rebuild everything. I feel very bad that I have destroyed everything we had. I know I shouldn’t have done any of this. I felt left all alone inside of me. In the darkest hours I felt lonely deep in my thoughts, even though I had you. I don’t want to lose you because you’re all I have. I’m nobody without you and I need you more than ever. You have to save me from myself.
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