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In. Out. In. Out. I could lie here all night and feel your chest go up and down. Even ignore you snoring if I tried hard enough. Although I fear I’d become all too consumed with my thoughts. Thoughts that led me here of all places after god knows how long. Thoughts that i wish wouldn’t get stuck only in my head so that way I could share them with you. Because I know you want nothing more than to hear something from me. Anything from me maybe. Today you told me you don’t know why you like me, there’s no particular reason that makes sense just a very overwhelming feeling. And I think that scared me a lot. Because there is no reason you would like me, so it feels like I’m just waiting for the day you wake up and you realise it’s too hard and we’re too different and I’m too young and too difficult. Believe me I have a thousand things I want to tell you and it would be everything you have missed from me. About the last time I cried so hard I felt like my insides had been scooped out whole. About how I haven’t since but there’s still exactly 4 things that when I think too hard about I come close to it. About the time I met you and I was mesmerised. About all my frustrations and victories and sadness and overwhelming joy. I’d love to tell you it all so maybe you’d like me more. But unfortunately there’s a brick wall between my brain and my mouth and now that you’ve figured that out I wonder how much time I have left to feel your chest go up and down.

This chapter's ended here, though its an interesting read

Today i am proud because I'm not thinking about you before i go to sleep anymore. Im not scrolling through your Facebook or deleting a message i want to send to you. And i think all it took was something with someone else and i realised that its not just you anymore, and it shouldn't be you anymore.

Funny because this time when you said 'should come back to school with me' i realised i agreed

When did i become the girl who waits for her parents to fall asleep so i can climb out of my window every other night.

I took a deep breath and as I did my arms, they seemed to rise from the railing, like they’d suddenly become weightless and unburdened. I could feel the edge of the concrete under the arches of my feet begin to shift. I started to pitch forward. My legs pushed me from the edge and into the empty air. And as I did, I felt the wind blow around my body and on my face and through my hair and it felt free.

Mark Henick - 'Why we Chose Suicide'

>> today i read an old message you sent me, saying how wonderful i was and how you missed me being in your arms. Its still the only time someones said something like that to me, and it still makes me smile, and alarm bells still go off immediately after. Because i still dont know how to react when someone shows they care about me, so i still cut people out when they do. Im sorry you got caught up in that, and im sorry i didnt explain it properly, I promise i will one of these days, probably after a drink, or ten. <<>>

I hope you notice when their skin pales and their under eyes darken. I hope when they say 'im tired', you hear them. I hope you notice the way the words sink in the air like they're too much for one persons breath to hold anymore. I hope you ask more than just how late they stayed up, but realise thats only half the weight pressing on them. I hope you take their hands in yours and ask them why they no longer want to leave their room, and dont brush it off when they say there's nothing exciting for them in the day anymore. Dont tell them they're silly for staying up. Dont tell them you're tired too. Just hold them. Tightly.

The walls dripped, the floor moved and the bed became water. She tried to form thoughts, logic, movement, anything but there was something pressing too hard on her head to even remember herself. She was scared, but couldnt scream, could barely speak. So instead she just cried, her cheeks soaked before she even realised because she couldnt feel. she could hear her name, but couldnt reply. they looked different, their face wasnt their own, but they smelt the same and they seemed to care so she just held on to them as tight as she could and prayed her one peice of reality wouldn't leave.

the saddest thing is watching yourself get further and further from where you want to be. watching your friendships lose connection, seeing your goals left unachieved, your morals and beliefs start sounding foreign to you. its slow, so be careful you might not notice, but one day you’ll stop and realise that the 10 year old you is excited for a future you didn’t live up to. you realise the teachers that said you could do anything you put your mind to were wrong, because your failing. the people you love have finally given in to you pushing them away and your mind isn’t working properly because you haven’t slept the last 2 nights. its a realisation that you are so far from the person you could have been, and you’re too late to fix it.

Im sorry that you cant look at me without crying. Im sorry that i make you blame yourself and think you had anything to do with fucking me up. Im sorry you feel you’re depressed, im sorry you dont understand i feel the same. Im sorry you dont understand how much of a horrible place this is to be. Im sorry that you cant talk to me. Im sorry for existing near you. Im sorry, I’ll try again tonight.

And then she fell. Knees collapsing underneath her and bruising on the ground. Her phone drops as her hands reach to save what was left of herself. But there was nothing to catch, nothing left except a pretty girl lying on the floor because shes too sad to stand anymore. So she lay there and watched her tears swirl with her blood and every part of her insides threw itself out onto the floor. This is broken. This is an incapability to exist.

Take me somewhere other than here

Please take the time to look at people. To watch them. Look into their eyes and see what they're really saying, see if theres sadness behind the smile. Watch them when they turn away from the group and their smile falters and they close their eyes and take a deep breath. Look at their body language when they're on the phone to their parents, and listen to the way they speak to them. Watch their face when its focused and you can hear their mind working, and watch it when its scattered and confused. You learn so much more about a person by watching them, so watch the ones you love, and try to see them clearly.

Yes, I will spit my venom at you. I will snap, say things without thinking when i know how much it will tear you apart. And my actions will cut you in peices sometimes, i know. But I don't hate you, not slightly. Infact its quite the opposite. Im sorry it just gets awfully hard having so much hate and anger for myself inside and not letting any of it spill out.

How long did that last

Its just an overwhelming sadness with no purpose or belonging

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