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A Blog About Nothing

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I don’t know how

I don’t know how to explain away and dismiss what feels like a series of persistent assaults on my liberties, on my privacy and personal space.

I don’t know how to explain away what feels like harassment and bullying by members of the NYC gay men’s community online.

I don’t know how to dismiss that which feels like anguish to me. I don’t know how to  deny my experience of mental abuse, psychological trauma, sometimes physical suffering.

I don’t know how a patient with a serious mental illness ups and snaps out from self-medicating and addiction, as you demand, to walk right on into ...... ?

To those who would argue I’m strong enough, tough enough, smart enough, brave enough, and that I should stop with the pity party, stop feeling sorry for myself, to these individuals I would ask this question: would you tell a cancer patient he’s strong enough, smart enough, cut the pity party and stop feeling sorry for yourself?

While some of you might, I don’t believe most of you would ask the cancer patient such an inappropriate question.

Addiction is a disorder of the brain, a medical condition from which someone just does not snap out from under.

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The Interventionists’ illegal tactics

Right at this moment, the company who has the permit today from NYC Parks Department working at Starlight Park by the Bronx River in the Bronx is conducting an illegal search by electronic means of my apartment destroying my property.

I believe it’s the group I call the Interventionists.

Do they have the right to punish me without benefit of due process? Do they have the right to search my apartment without a warrant signed by a judge?

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Why am I in slavery again held up in my own house and apartment by a white man?

Why am I enslaved again held by a white man in my own home

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[yumbles]

crowley and aziraphale run into each other in berlin, 1929 a collab btwn me and my sister (her drawing, my colors!)  edit: if you want a print of this, i have it available here!

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huh? i don’t know, which is a great place to be.

most times i’m a know-it-all which leaves me incapable of learning, growing, accepting, being contributed to, receiving, accepting....

“i don’t know” is a great place to be.

[asthebirchtreefalls]

;;just an FYI, this week is gonna be kinda cray. I have to be on set tomorrow, probably for most of the day for a pretty big client, and I just really don’t know what’s gonna happen. Because I never do. Will I be able to walk tomorrow? WHO KNOWS. Also, NYC is off school this week so my kid is going to be home and focus is going to be…difficult lol. Anyway, I’m HOPING this won’t affect my activity too much but I will most likely be a bit more sparse, at least tomorrow and the day after, most likely. Then again I may actually just be able to do my job instead of also fill in for a talent that didn’t show up and will just be on set doing nothing for hours and hours, in which case I may be RPing up a storm (given one of my actresses already dropped out and I haven’t been told to replace her makes me not super confident of that, but who knows). Never know until I get there tbh. 

Anyway just letting yall know!

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....and then what?

what happened? did you evolve or did you not?

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I have a problem with drugs

I have a problem with drugs that I’m handling the best I know how. I’ve had setbacks and I have had progress.

But I would have had more progress had it not been for the interventionists. That’s the name I call this group of unknowns that has been intruding, interfering, interrupting, causing havoc in my daily life.

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Recovery - Day 1

A Day of Pride and of Frustration!

Today marks Day 1 of my journey to recover from addiction to crystal meth. I first began the journey back in 2011 when I’d given up abusing substances - meth, marijuana, liquor. Prior to that in 2010 I’d given up the cigarettes.

I’ve been successful abstaining from alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana and other substances except crystal meth. I relapsed in 2016. Today I start the journey to recovery. 

What a day of enormous pride and of complete frustration! 

To make a long story short, there are others involved in my journey to recovery. These others, some of whom are influential, seemed to have embarked on what to me feels like a cruel game. The game calls for them to block me at every turn and obstruct or delay or destroy whatever I’ve got working on.

Does it make any sense to bring me more stress and headache and burdens to bear while I’m trying to stay away fromdrugs?

My internet connection dragged down to  crawl today. It takes forever to open one single thing.

My email client suddenly takes forever opening up

Printing suddenly is a bitch

Watching tv online suddenly all froze up

And more

Why the fuck would you bring me stress ON TOP OF what I got to deal with and go through with meth addiction?

I don’t know specifically who’s involved but if I had to bet I’d bet Google.com and Samsung.com and even CMA

I don’t need more stress I need less stress, get off my porch!

[oshun67]

Baby, it’s hot as hell in NYC!

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Ain’t that right, you!

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Loud-tweeker

To include it in my feed, the intention of loud-tweeker’s tumblr was to shame me to surrender or go deep into hiding and not seek out help or sit and suffer or perhaps the intention was my demise. I’d be so ashamed, filled with embarrassment, so despondent, depressed, hopeless and empty I’d off myself in a suicide.

But I don’t know why or how loud-tweeker’s post about gay pnp and meth appeared feed along with the gorgeous and very clean images of  Katy Perry. Loud-tweeker’s tumblr was the only one out of line for its content.

I have a problem with meth addiction I’m handling on my own terms along a specific pathway to recovery I’ve chosen. My program isn’t perfect by any means. But my program along with the issues of my health and medicine are personal and private

I was targeted specifically because of my issues of addiction. Someone tried to bully me. Was I to have felt a  type of way that was negative or less than? Was I I being forced to do something and take action or flee or surrender or off with myself?

I submit right now meth holds a power over me. I’m dealing with that. You’re mistaken, however, if you assumed I’ve given over my power to you or to any bully.

If you’re struggling with meth addiction, the following resources are available:

Refuge Recovery - NY

Crystal Meth Anonymous - NY

Smart Recovery - NY

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdw1uKiTI5c)

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A catchy tune!

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Why Go Private on Instagram

The Instagram default setting, “public,” means anyone can view my profile and posts on Instagram. Anyone can view my profile online at instagram.com/[my username].

But what I didn’t know was the default setting, “public,” also meant my Instagram pictures and videos would be published online at various other web sites. Other sites not directly associated with Instagram or Facebook and don’t have my specific consent.

But it seems these are legitimate businesses and the practice of publishing my Instagram postings on their domain is perfectly allowed. Something technical about third-party apps,  API, such.

But why didn’t I technically know the fact up front that the picture of my 80 year-old mom, her first on Instagram I posted last December, would also show up all over the web at picbear, vibbi, snap361, logingram, yooying, picaviewer, pictaram and many others?

I didn’t know, but I know I was annoyed.

Which is why I changed my Instagram setting to “private.”

“Private” has limitations but it removed this problem right away.