I have been thinking for days about this. I deleted you from all of my contacts and I don't even remember if this is the correct address, so maybe this letter won't even reach you.
Maybe you won't even read it, but I have to write it. To put these feelings out of my heart and onto paper.
Some months ago when you contacted me more seriously about coming to you, living with you while you did your thing and I did mine, I knew that something was happening. The loneliness, the separation, your new life were all starting to change you.
I knew it wouldn't be long before you gave up.
Ironically it was in winter again. We always had trouble with winter, didn't we? Every close break-up we had was around October, yet somehow we'd managed to survive. But not this time.
I didn't expect us to survive as long as we did. So many YEARS apart, yes. I know it was years, and those years you were alone you should have had the love of someone closer to you than me. I am deeply sorry that I couldn't be with you.
But we both knew my obligations, and our distance, were challenges. It's the reason WHY we waited so long that was the important thing for me: this was my TRUE love, with you. I have never, and I think I will never, love anyone more than I loved you.
I still love you, in some way. But when you closed the door on me some months ago I went into a kind of shock. I didn't want to accept it, even though you know my philosophy was to accept it. If you wanted to be free, I had to let you be free.
It was so easy to say, but when it really came to it, when you really wanted to go away from me, I couldn't deal with it.
I stopped working, and just started drifting all day. My depression became huge. And I'm not blaming you! This letter is not to point a finger to you and be angry, no. I want you to know that I suffered, and that it was MY FAULT.
I made the wrong decisions, I waited too long. I made you wait, alone, for too long. Beautiful, beautiful woman, the most precious and beautiful woman. I fucked up.
I wasn't communicating with you as much as I should. I wasn't talking to you enough. I wasn't trying hard enough to get to you, to change my life to be with you. I know this now: it's easy to know after everything is broken.
But for months I was in shock. I pretended nothing happened, that somehow we still had an opportunity, that you were still waiting for me.
Then I sent you a letter and you never replied. I didn't know if you'd read me or ignored me, but now I know. You wanted to cut me out of your life completely. You closed the door and locked it, and put me outside.
I never, ever expected that. I never thought you would throw me away like that, like so much debris from a past life. But I understand.
I must be a painful memory for you now, some guy who wasted your time and kept you from growing into the new person you are now. I have become extra baggage, or dead weight.
Or just a guy who fucked you up, maybe.
But I can't know for sure, because you never talked to me about it. You never left the door open for me to see. And I never tried to look in, not deep enough, because I was scared. I was always scared of losing you, all these years too scared to make a commitment with you, and now you're gone.
I was working this whole time, this past decade, to try to get to you. And now you're gone. My future is an open and empty plain, a blank canvas.
I don't know where to go from here. I can only keep moving forward.
I am just so sorry, and so sad that you have locked me out. I will never know what kind of life you have now, your adventures and changes. And maybe that's good. Of course you will find a new partner, and for me to see you with someone else would kill me.
Maybe you'll never read these words. But they are my true feelings, and if there is any way I can ever apologize for the way I've treated you, to get your forgiveness... ah well. I feel like we cannot even be friends, because our love was too hot, too strange, and too deep.
I hope you find the destiny you deserve. Please know that you are forever in my heart, and I will always love you.
annaxmalina
titsay
yousharknotpass
germansingergirl
theartofmadeline
romaincrisis
blakekathryn
baratheonpilled