Take all you want, 'cause I'm devoid of anything.
You don't contain no empathy.
I'm starved for anything that makes me feel alive.
Drain me of every memory.
All I wanted... was some faith in me.
Now all that I could ask for is for you to fucking let me be.
How much farther underwater can I sink? I'll never know.
Now I can barely hold on; what I need is strength to let go.
All I ever wanted was for you to have some faith in me.
Tell me why you can't just let this be.
Jeanne rushed down the hall, making her way to the medical bay.
It had been days since the incident; weeks, even. Every day she came here, praying for things to be better.
And every day, not a single god answered.
"How is she?" She asked, stepping inside without hesitation.
Roman, Da Vinci, Mash, and Merry sat by an occupied bed. Merry's hand clung to the hand of the girl in the bed. None of them gave any response.
"...Well?" Jeanne repeated. "How is she?"
"Jeanne..." Mash whispered. Her voice quivered, as if she herself was on the verge of screaming.
"She can't still be stuck like this. She can't." Jeanne's voice maintained the same volume, but something was still rising deep within it; whether it was panic or fury, no one could tell. "We're Chaldea. There's no way we'd just let her—"
"Jeanne," Roman interjected, "you've known longer than anyone else that she's something beyond us. Whatever happened to her, if it was powerful enough to hurt her—"
"Then we'll hit back even harder as soon as she wakes up!"
The lights flickered and dimmed. The air grew warmer.
"You can't tell me there's nothing we can do, not after everything we've already accomplished! We've come so far, and I'm not about to let some—"
"Jeanne."
Merry's voice was the quietest, yet it cut through the air like nothing else could. Jeanne immediately stopped talking as Merry's eyes went from her lifelong partner to her partner's Servant.
"...Please. Let her rest."
"...Merry..." Jeanne stepped closer. "...you can't tell me... you can't tell me you're content to just sit here. You..."
"I'm not content." Merry's voice cracked. Her eyes flickered with flames, both burning blood red and a somber, dulled blue. "...But I... we don't have a choice."
"Like hell we don't—"
"Jeanne." Steam poured out from Merry's eyes, trailing up to the ceiling. Her tears were burning away before they could escape. "I'm asking you... as someone who loved her just as much as you did—"
"Stop." Jeanne's voice also broke. She got even closer. "Don't... say it like that. You still love her. I still love her. She isn't gone. She isn't gone! She..."
Her eyes gazed down at the girl in the bed.
Her fiery orange hair, pulled into a sidetail with a deep sapphire-blue scrunchie.
Her face, scarred in many places, yet still soft and unbetraying of any age.
Even her hands seemed as soft as they were the day Jeanne met her.
But there was hardly any color left in her skin.
No light left in the soul of her Master.
Deep down she knew.
She knew that Ritsuka Fujimaru was dead.
Her knees hit the floor. The lights flickered and fizzled until every light in the room was out.
The negative energy swarmed around her. Every awful emotion imaginable seeped into her skin.
But there was no roar. No rage.
No hatred.
Everything she absorbed, she bottled up, and it threatened to eat her from the inside.
Hours passed. Not another word was spoken. Most of the others eventually left.
Even Merry felt the need to give Jeanne some time alone.
And alone she was.
Now.
Forever.
All over again.
Slowly she rose, and she went to the bed's other side.
Her hand found Ritsuka's other hand—
—and found something in it.
A box.
Small and velvet.
And as lifeless as her body was, her hand gripped it tightly.
Jeanne made no attempt to pull it out. She simply wrapped her hands around Ritsuka's hand, and pulled it closer.
"...You wouldn't want me to cry." Jeanne whispered. "You always said... that if anything ever got to you, you would want us to find it and hunt it down.
"But I know what killed you... and I don't know if we can even touch it." Her hands gripped tighter, feeling them become warmer. "Your killers... are free. Free of consequence. Free of judgment. And parade their escape like you were the monster all along.
"But... even still, I will not stop fighting. I will not stop fighting. For as long as I breathe, I will carry on the way you would want me to. I will kill. I will kill everything I see.
"I will kill for my love. I will kill for the only true love I ever knew. And I will kill for the endless lifetime of hate before me." Jeanne's eyes closed. "...I love you, Ritsuka. And someday I swear I'll see you again. Even if we have to meet each other cutting through fiends in the deepest depths of Hell."
The hand released the box. It clattered onto the floor, opening up. Jeanne's eyes shot open and gazed down upon it.
Inside was a ring, shimmering like the moon, inlaid with stones that sparkled like the night sky, from Ritsuka to the girl that died before her.
A small note also fell out, and Jeanne reached down and picked it up, slowly unfolding it.
The words were written in a dull red-brown. The note itself smelled like rust.
It read,
"I could never dream anything more than what you've given me."
I won't get into specifics, but about two days ago, the original owner of this blog attempted to take her own life.
She wanted something posted today. She planned it for weeks. So I'm going to post it.
But after that, it is highly unlikely that either this blog, the Jalter blog, or the personal writing blog will have anything new for the foreseeable future.
Ritsuka Fujimaru sat on a metaphysical porch, bringing her drink up to her lips. Out in the metaphorical yard, she watched other Masters of Chaldea.
They did not know she was watching them.
They rolled, they rolled, and they rolled some more, all in vain attempts to bring home their favorite characters.
One Master got Musashi twice in a single pull. The others screamed and demanded her luck.
Another spent all he had, but never got Lakshmibai. The rest of them crowded around and offered condolences before he pulled out his credit card and began to roll again.
Yet another Master pulled just a few times, until they got Katō Danzō. They made no scene. No noise escaped their lips. They breathed in deeply, held their new Servant tightly, and led her away from the group without saying a word to the others... but the greed in their eyes betrayed their true desire.
"Real shitshow, ain't it?"
Ritsuka looked over as Jeanne Alter joined her on the porch.
According to the game, she wasn't NP5.
Her skills were far from completely leveled.
But she was grailed all the way.
Ritsuka smiled at her. "Be nice, Jeanne. You know as well as I do how hard it is to not fall into that mess."
"I know, I know..." Jeanne reached over and yoinked Ritsuka's drink. "...Just can't help but feel sorry for them, though, y'know?"
After several long hours, another Master finally NP5'd his Summer Ishtar. He proceeded to post about it on every social media account he had.
"Really? Even if they all constantly make fun of you?" Ritsuka yoinked her drink back. Jeanne grunted.
"Sure, a lot of 'em are filthy degenerates, but not all of 'em, y'know? Besides, the saddest among 'em are just that: the saddest. I'd be a monster to not feel any pity."
A slimy neckbearded Master in a fedora finally summons Summer Helena. She is whisked away before anyone else can question him.
"...But... you love being a monster."
"Most of the time! Can't a girl have a little depth, every now and then?" Jeanne grabbed onto Ritsuka's drink. They both struggled for a moment before Jeanne... somehow ended up with an exact copy of it. Their squabble ceased. She was content. "And honestly, don't act like you don't feel bad, too."
"Of course I feel bad!" Ritsuka replied as another Master summoned Gorgon; she picked him up by the scruff of his neck and promptly slithered away. "...But it's not like I could just give them what I have, y'know?"
A Master approached the porch and stared. No light shone in their eyes. No words escaped their lips.
Their hands gripped the railing. Ritsuka could see the strings in the Master's wrists, reaching all the way up into the sky.
They all had these strings. Around their wrists. Their ankles. Their necks.
Ritsuka waved without saying a word. The Master walked away silently.
Another Master summons Fran, and hugs her tightly. Fran looks confused, but otherwise content.
"...Do you think we'll ever get off this porch?" Jeanne asked, after a few minutes of silence.
"And go where?"
"I don't know, anywhere. Don't you think it'd be nice to be... free from all this?"
"We're already free, Jeanne." Ritsuka gently put her hand on Jeanne's shoulder.
Jeanne looked over at the scars around her wrist.
Around her neck.
There were no strings.
"Still... we keep coming back here, even if we never fall in ourselves. Wouldn't it be nice to stop worrying about this damn place?"
A Master summons Eli. Several Masters crowd around and rejoice. Eli seems happy.
"Maybe... but..."
Ritsuka's grip tightened for a moment, but she caught herself and let go of Jeanne.
"...But... what?"
Jeanne stared into Ritsuka's eyes. There was a glaze in them, and a bittersweet smile beneath them.
"No matter how long someone you love has been dead..."
A young Master steps up to the circle for the first time. d'Éon greets her before long. She's entranced by the Chevalier's beauty.
"...it's still normal to visit their grave every now and then, right?"
Ritsuka stared back at Jeanne. "...If we can do that for people... is it so bad to do that for a place?"
Jeanne opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out.
Deep down, she understood.
"...But that said, Jeanne... if you ever want to leave, just tell me."
"I— hey!" Jeanne half-glared at Ritsuka. "Like I could ever leave your incompetent ass alone for even a second!"
"I'd be going with you! It could be just the two of us for a bit, y'know? Like a..."
Ritsuka struggled to find the words for a moment.
"...Camping trip?"
"Like a camping trip!"
"That sounds... so lame."
"Oh, come on!" Ritsuka stepped away from the railing. "It doesn't even have to be a camping trip, we could go wherever you want! Haven't there been any places you've always wanted to visit?"
Off in the distance, a Master summons both Cú and Boudica.
Ritsuka stepped closer to Jeanne. "...We could even hide away in a few video game worlds, if you wanted. I know you've had your eye on a particular plot over in Limsa Lominsa..."
"I— How did you know about that!?"
"I didn't, I was just projecting~"
"You—!" Jeanne wanted to glare even harder. But Ritsuka just giggled at her. And her heart... fluttered a little. So she looked away.
"...You really mean it, though...?"
"...Mean what?"
"That we can go wherever. Whenever. Do you really—"
"Jeanne?"
Jeanne looked back to Ritsuka. Her smile was... bittersweet. As if she knew what Jeanne really meant.
"...You really want to get out of here, don't you?"
A shaky breath in.
"...Maybe."
Ritsuka's hand found its way to Jeanne's.
"...Just say the word then, Jeanne."
"I— But what about the blog? You can't just leave it like—"
"Jeanne, please." Ritsuka's other hand went to her hip. "There's no way to continue from there, and we've built up too much to start from scratch. We might as well just..."
"Give me time, then. I can think of something! They—"
"Jeanne..." Ritsuka squeezed Jeanne's hand.
"...Just let it go. For me?"
"I..." Jeanne looked back at the other Masters.
One of them had just summoned Artoria.
Alter.
"...Fine. Fine. Then..." Jeanne's gaze went back to Ritsuka once more. "...Then let's get out of here."
Ritsuka beamed. And suddenly pulled Jeanne into a tight hug.
She didn't object. Before she knew it, her arms were reciprocating.
One of the other Masters summoned Mordred. Twice.
"So... first stop, Eorzea?"
"Hm..." Jeanne thought hard for a moment. There... was actually another place she'd heard about, but never seen.
Someone managed to summon Rider Da Vinci. They never even got to the Lostbelts. They're still in Camelot.
"Actually... what about that 'Luxendarc' place you keep talking about in your sleep?"
"Oh my god, you wanna go there??"
"You said 'anywhere'."
"I know, but..."
Another Master managed to fully form a contract with Kagetora. They seem... happy.
Ritsuka sighed in defeat. "...okay. We can visit Luxendarc. But only for a bit, okay? Then it's straight to Eorzea."
"Fine, fine." Jeanne began to head inside. "Now come on. You're helping me pack."
"You're really going to pack for something like this?"
"Hey, it's either a vacation or we're moving. Either way, I'm gonna need to pack, aren't I?"
"Fiiiiine. Just don't expect to be able to fit your Kyber Crystal collection in one suitcase."
"Hey, Melusine can keep whatever I can't take with me, alright? Now let's go."
Ritsuka just kept smiling as Jeanne led her inside.
She looked back over her shoulder as the door closed behind them.
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