dear adrian,
how are you? I hope that you’ve been well. I know that you probably are/have always been 100% done with me by now. There’s always the chance that you might not even read this, which is also totally fine/a strong possibility. But here’s my apology. Here is me showing up (emotionally, and in writing) to take accountability for my actions from the past. Honestly, writing this is equal parts for my own personal healing as well as what I wish I was strong enough to be able to tell you back in high school. I want you to know that in my 21 years of life thus far, this is the one regret that I carry with me the most heavily and the one that I always seem to go back to. I know it’s been a long time (around 5 years?), but I don’t think I ever gave you the apology or explanation that you deserve. I want you to know that I am so sorry. It’s in these situations where I understand that some words sound empty. Where I think “it’s too late, there’s no point in saying that now, and do you really get it?” And yes, those are true. I can’t deny that. But I want to try anyway. I’m sorry for treating you like shit when in reality you are an amazing & extraordinary person. You deserved more back then as much as you do right now. I’m sorry for cheating on you. I’m sorry for numbing myself from your pain, for pushing you away, for manipulating a situation which hurt you in unnecessary ways. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being able to process and understand my own triggers and dragging you into a toxic mess. Of course, to this day, I am so far from perfect. But over the course of the last 5 years or so, slowly but surely, I’ve come to better understand who I was in the past. I’ve come to better understand the triggers that literally shut me down into an emotionless abyss. I’ve come to understand that me shutting down doesn’t excuse my actions for hurting those around me. I’ve come to better understand that it’s fucking hard to live but that doesn’t make me special or give me a reason to project the shadows in my own life onto those around me in a way that doesn’t leave anyone room for growth and/or understanding. I’m sorry for leaving in a way that tarnished all the firsts we shared together. To this day, I always tell those around me who have never been with anyone that I hope their first will be as amazing as mine. I am eternally grateful to have experienced such a kind, passionate, and caring boyfriend in high school. I am so happy at the feminism we grew and shared- even when it wasn’t even the cool thing to do/believe in yet! You were the first man I ever loved and your light has always been so bright & powerful. I feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to experience that kind of love at such a young age. As I “become an adult” I realize more and more that I don’t think that kind of connection comes by very often. I wasn’t ready to understand how you loved in high school. But I know that whoever you end up with in life will be the luckiest person in the whole wide world. I don’t know if I would have made it out of my teenage years without you. I know that the best part of irvington high school, for me, was being with you. I’m sorry that I had to be your first, but I am eternally grateful that you were mine.
from the future jado (not the girl from the past)











