H🌸💛

All my unsaid thoughts and all what I've wanted to say but couldn't, will be written down here.💙

[haik11]

If It Meant to Be, It Will Be.

15 June 2022

It’s weird one year ago today almost the same thing happened. I’m writing this on 15th June while it was on 14th. Anywho, the fact that one year ago today happened almost the same makes me believe this never meant to be. But the happy news about this year than year ago is that this doesn’t bother me anymore. I already took my amount of pain from this exact thing. I guess I received enough signals on how this would never work because it’s not meant to be, and the fact that it doesn’t bother me and l’m actually fine with it makes me happy because it means I’m mature now. What used to bother me is no longer exists. I’m not sorry either, I’m not gonna try, not that I tried before so really it didn’t matter to me. I’m just afraid when this happens again I might want it to never happen and hope it would never work out for us. Because once I lose it, I lose it all. But since this is it, I’ll leave it as it is. I’m not gonna do something about it, I’m not gonna try, I’m not gonna hope for it to even change. I’ll leave it to fate. Because if it meant to be, it will be. 

[haik11]

Peace. ♡

7 June 2022

I finally find peace. It was hard after a long year filled with despair and disappointments to finally reach the peace zone, it took a lot from me. Because if I didn’t stop myself,  I’d be drawn by now, hopeless, and maybe gave up already. 

Because if I’m talking in the way I used to think, I’m the furthest away from my dream. What I settled down to now, it’s like the longest road I might take to actually achieve what I wanted. But yeah I guess this is life, of course to achieve my goal at the age 22 is impossibly hard. I still lack a LOT. I can’t possibly imagine myself to be in a place this early where it takes time and effort to actually achieve it. I guess I kinda miss-calculated the situation for thinking I’m ready enough to start what I want. When in the other hand I’m far from ready, not to mention how inexperienced I am for actually thinking I’d get what I thought I’m capable of. I’m not doubting myself, I know I can, and I know I will. But there is a series of preparations I strongly need to actually be ready for the outcome. I can’t jump off in the middle, I can’t jump off towards the end. It takes time and effort. Now that I think about it, I really have a long way road ahead of me. I really need this time to be prepared for the worst, to be prepared properly. So that I can be the best I can be. I’ve always wanted to be the best version of myself, and gladly I’ve been doing well in that area. Perhaps it’s time to admit I’m not ready yet, and need to get the fact that my dream is farther than I can imagine, but surly, I’m in the right road, in the right plan, in the right place. 

I know I’m no closer but I know I’m starting the right road that would get me closer. At least that will help me get there because I know this is the road to my fate. 

I thought of writing that because like always, I love writing and it’s my hoppy too so. But really wanted to write it to remind myself each time it gets harder, I’d go back to reading this every time I feel I’m down. To keep in mind how much time I spent to accept my fate, my future, myself. I have to keep reminding myself of the hard choices, my sacrifices, my pain and my sorrow. The time I spent on thinking, the thoughts of me almost giving up, accepting the hardest truths, the time I thought I had it all when I didn’t, the time I thought I had nothing when I did have something. All of my battles I went through either alone, or with my loved ones. All of it. Everything. I want to record every little detail, explaining my feelings when I go through things in my life. I want to have them because I might need them, to cheer me up, to raise my confidence, to love myself more, to be proud of myself more. I love it when I go back to read them when I’m moved on, when I achieve my dreams hopefully. I want it to stick with history, I want my next generation to have the best life lessons from my writings. That’s why I plan to write a book of myself. To cheer up those people who will be my age their time who needs my consultancy and advice. 

[haik11]

Your time just hasn’t arrive yet. But soon enough, it will.

27 May 2022

I’m on the long road in my way home, playing Until I Found Her song when my thoughts started running even before the song starts like every time I space out sitting near the car window and drift off to my long thoughts that never ends. My mum and brother would keep talking through the whole road, my sister would join them sometimes or sometimes she keeps on only listening to them, some other times she spend the time taking a nap. It’s always me in planet Mars. 

The last writing of me here really was depressing. It kinda was hard for me the past time. I couldn’t get any better but worse, I was hoping for the un-hope, where I know it may happen someday in the far future, didn’t stop believing, but the hard truth that reality is telling me is the exact opposite of what I wanted, it kinda was harsh on me. I know I kept myself believing something and hopping for this particular job to happen, but it didn’t, and it crushed me. I collapsed the last week even more when I got an interview when my father stood against me, and there where I had enough. I couldn’t handle anything anymore. I cried like a mad person, at that moment I felt I lost it all, I felt I lost everything. It wasn’t easy on me to accept my fate, at least I hoped I’d be something but at that moment I felt myself I was nothing. I know it’s super harsh, but the more I kept it, the worse it gets. I cried even when I put on the prayer sheet and kneeled to Allah, where every sorrow I had gone with that kneel. 

I met my mum the day after and had to cry again for it still bothered me what my dad told me some mean words, and when I started I couldn’t finish on that and kept emptying what been on my chest. 

These breaking points where I had to go through all of this taught me to accept that not what you want will happen the moment you want it to, and that your life won’t be as easy,  you won’t get what you want easily like this, that’s what my mum have told me. She told me I had to taste pain before feeling relieved, I can’t have my life figured out like this, I can’t get everything I want without feeling I actually got it after suffer and pain. 

So in the end, after all of this, I got the last thing I’ve imagined myself to be in, and in a weird  way I’m happy. I’m satisfied I’m relieved, I’m at ease. Happiness and joyfulness, relieved and satisfaction. For the first time, I feel this chapter of my life will change a lot of things, and will repay me all that I’ve lost, I know that, and knowing that is making me feel comfortable for the first time in a while. I’m happy to say that, and I’m happy to know what I thought I wanted now I don’t. Even though I said I was afraid I might hate what I’ve wanted badly,but I did. I hate it now and I don’t regret it. I know I might’ve mentioned that I don’t want to feel that, but after actually going through it, I’m really relieved to hate it now because it was toxic and it gave me nothing but pain. So, whatever gonna happen in my life, whatever I may start in the near future, I just know that this will be the best thing ever happen to me, or one of the best things because there are a lot of great things happened to me so yeah. 

Be proud of yourself, your journey hasn’t started yet, there is plenty of time ahead of you. You’re never too late, your time just hasn’t arrive yet. But soon enough, it will, I’m sure of that.♥️  

[haik11]

Everything I Prayed For

11 May 2022

I’m not afraid of the future, but I’m afraid everything I prayed for will go to dust because it may not be meant to happen to me. I’m afraid not that I lost hope because I didn’t hope for anything, I just believe in Allah’s will to do the impossible, but I’m afraid that I’ve been wanting things that would never happen to me cause it’s never meant to be. The only thing I can do then is pray to Allah to do me best, because if what I wanted won’t happen, I don’t know what I want, I’ll be left with nothing and what I’ve dreamt of is not happening, maybe it isn’t time for it yet, maybe it will happen but after I’ve had it all and this won’t mean anything to me, I don’t know. Who knows actually? I didn’t lose hope in Allah, because I know things will get better his way not mine, and maybe I’ve been praying for the wrong when I’m clueless so Allah is trying to help me here, but what I wanted to say here is: if all that  I prayed for is wrong? I don’t know what to do then, I’ve tried everything I have, I have nothing left that I want, because what I want now is gone, and I’m left with the unknown, where Allah knows while I don’t. Until then, things may go as I prayed for, but the chances of things to go west are likely to happen.  

What I’m afraid of too is, I may actually lose interest of all of this and come to realization that all of this wrong and should look for something else, but the thing is, I want this💔 more than anything in the world, I want to have this because it’s my dream, I don’t want to lose my dream. That’s what I’m afraid of the most, that my dreams shatters.. Because what I’m dreaming is not good fit to my life, I don’t know. I know nothing happened to assume that, and maybe wrong to make assumptions now, but I can’t shake the feeling of fear. I don’t want to be left with nothing, starting over. That’s the least I want in my life. My faith in Allah is big, so big that if all of this turns wrong I won’t be sad for long because Allah is hiding better life than I can ask for, no doubts in that. But the disappointment after this will be huge and I can’t lie to myself by saying it’s okay because it’s not, I’ll know it’s for the best but it will be around time to actually want that and accept that. So Allah, please, I don’t know what’s best for me like you do, please don’t leave me stranded and please make way for my dreams to come true, and if they aren’t meant to be, please help me find something better will let me forget all of this and live with peace.    

[haik11]

What it feels like to have a special bond with someone?

4 April 2022

I’ve always wondered what it feels like to have a special bond with someone. I’ve seen in Tv’s, heard about it from some friends, seen my mom and dad, and now my brothers, but it’s still stuck with me, how come a person can have this amount of emotions for only one person and this person has only the sides you never showed to anyone. The sides that are totally different from who you are yet they are you, but a different shade of how you look. You seem different only in front of this person, and no one else has it or you can have it with. How is that possible? And how am I good at explaining that even though I never tried it but only seen it from afar? Genius I am you’d say, but I don’t know why I have a feeling that my own experience with this bond will be nothing like I described, like as if what I’d feel will be deeper than I’d imagine. But to be honest, I’m not excited to try it, I have a feeling it will be tiring than it will be enjoyable. I always fear myself getting hurt. I don’t want that. I’m curious how it will turn out with me, but not as much as how I’m terrified my experience would be hurtful. 

So yeah, until I feel it myself I won’t ever gonna have the right explanation to this bond, because unless I feel it, I won’t get it no matter how close I was at describing it.    

I know I shouldn’t be scared and instead I should have faith, but I don’t know why I always end up fighting this fear instead of just feeling it? Why I must fight the pain instead of just simply let it go? Why am I not giving myself a chance to get hurt? Why am I hurting myself more by fighting it? I know it hurts but I also fear getting hurt, the stupid me thinking that fighting the pain will lessen the pain, while in fact it didn’t, because it still hurts. It hurts and I know it hurts more when I fight it and not give a chance to feel it. But I know why I ended up like this, because I got hurt multiple times that I no longer want to feel it again. I find myself to fight it because I don’t want to get hurt again. It’s a mechanism I took while healing from my past relationships, where it led me to where I am. I’m still getting hurt alright it’s nothing unusual, but as I grow, I kinda took that as a way to avoid pain, which right now I know it’s wrong. Partially of this process is true, because you can fight the pain if you were too deep and involved in it, but also partially wrong, because you can’t practice that the second you get hurt. You have to feel the pain, you have to put a space for disappointment and hurt. You can’t possibly get over it without going through it. I have a post I posted it on my instagram profile where I quoted:”You can’t heal if you keep pretending you’re not hurt.” I actually meant myself in there, because I knew how much I keep on avoiding my pain, and not give it a chance to be felt. 

That’s why, I took a vow on myself that from now on, I’ll always put a space for pain and disappointment, I’ll always feel pain when I have it, I’ll always give myself time not only to heal, but also to feel the pain before I heal. 

This is the new me, this is one of the changes I’ll make in this year. This year, will have a lot of changes, I feel it. I only hope I make it till the end of this year. I want to improve that. I’ll work on it, I’m working on it. 

[haik11]

Moved On

27 March 2022

Going back through all of my writings, I discovered in a span of 2 years, I can say I’ve finally moved on. Those things that used to hurt me, now they don’t. Not because they don’t exist anymore which is wrong, cause they do exist. But actually me learning to ignore it all this time makes it easier for me to find peace.♥️

Time passed and healed my wounded heart. I had to go through shit, stupid feelings and try to get rid of them right when I first had them. Those feelings didn’t have the chance to grow because I’ve been resisting them the whole time. Not to mention the fact that I knew I shouldn’t feel this way and was aware of what emotions I’m carrying, because those feelings where familiar. I had them before and I knew how it felt. But this experience is different and in a new level. I went through things that I’ve been through before and succeeded in avoiding them. But every experience hides it’s surprise, so I got my own surprise and had to deal with this shit again with different situation. 

Sure it hurts, sure I didn’t learn the first and the second time, but eventually and exactly after two years of fighting it within myself, I FINALLY moved past it. I’d say I DON’T CARE ANYMORE LIKE I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! Like HELL! It’s wonderful to look at the things again where they used to hurt but no anymore because you learned that life doesn’t stop at one station, actually every station in life holds other shithead people who are waiting for me to miss up my life again and then I’d try to move on just like I did this time. But you know what? It sure was hard, but I made it because it wasn’t harder than the pervious one, so when the train stops at the next station, I’m sure I’ll move past it just as easy. I’m sure life holds lots of surprises, but to know Allah is always with us and thanks to Allah actually because Allah helped me through all these stages. So, with Allah, every thing is easy. ♡  

[haik11]

Mom’s Impact

14 March 2022

My mom has the biggest impact on me. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, and some other times I wish it’s not true. Because I don’t want what she thinks is true, which is actually true. There were so many moments I wished she was wrong, but she wasn’t, and this hurts. Because there are so many things I wish they’d last, but because of her, I can’t shake that she is telling the truth. I don’t want to live in fantasies, not anymore. I used to be like that but ended up living in a lie till it’s time for the hard truth, the hard truth my mom kept telling me for 4 years. She’e right most of the time, there are some occasions where I was right while she wasn’t, but still, because I know it when she is right not wrong. She can read the situation easily I don’t have to give further information because she has the ability to analyze the situation. I hate that it’s true, and I hate it more when I know it’s true. I really wish things would go differently at least for me. Mom told me it’s similar to what happened to her and I was there and witnessed it happening, so I perfectly know the whole situation exactly how, and it bothers me how it’s actually true. Like I said, I HATE IT when I know it! I don’t want to end such a perfect relationship, not when I finally found the perfect one, the perfect bestfriend I could ask for, of course there were times when I hated that, but I still love this person I can’t let go. Not when I’m relieved this is my rebound. 

I still don’t know what to do when I have this piece of information that could save me from traumatic break up. I don’t want that. I never wished that. With this person. I thought it’s an end game, I don’t have to reconsider, again. I used to do that when I wasn’t certain, but now that I know how much my worth in this person’s life, I cant’s risk it, at least for this person. It will be harder for this person, I can’t ditch this friendship this easily. Not when I got to this depth, not when we got too attached, it will hurt us both..

What I’m thinking right now which I know it’s not the right choice or you know what? I don’t know. I actually don’t know what’s the right choice, but if the right choice is to ditch this friendship then it’s not an option and I’m not gonna do that. I’ll be as harsh as anything hard and hurtful. I can’t do it not to this person who’s done nothing to deserve this. None of us actually. 

I’ll pray hard this won’t turn out this way, I know God can make possible out of the impossible. I don’t want her get hurt before I get hurt myself. God you know my intentions exactly how and I know you can read my mind, God please I don’t want this to hurt us both, I want it to work and I know it will because you can make it work. I believe in you. 

[haik11]

Best Friend

19 February 2022

I love you. You don’t know how much. You made it impossible for me not to grow on you. You’re always getting bigger and bigger, in my life, in my heart, you’re slowly capturing every moment in my life and you never failed me. You just don’t know how lucky I am to have you as my best friend. 

I love every single thing we share, I love our differences, I love how far away our personalities yet still fascinated on how connected we are. Our connection is undeniable. You can’t unsee it. It’s the differences that brought us together, closer. I love the way we see things same, I love how it’s always us who only share this, I love how everybody notices it without us telling. I love how we can enjoy our time together and start many subjects at the same time like I don’t know how do we still manage to get to talk about all sort of things😂😭. I love how special this is . I love how things between us started slowly then over time we realized how perfect match we are. But do you know what I love the most about all of this? 

I love how I’ve always dreamed to have such a strong bond with someone who can actually gets me, knows me, and valued me. Someone who would always put accounts to me, think of me, and care about me, or at least someone will share the same amount of emotions I carry for the person I like. Fortunately I’ve found that, with you, and I couldn’t be happier. Because finally, I’ve met this person and got myself the best best-friend I could ask for. You’re my lucky charm, super lucky to have in my life. 

I love you Fa, more than anything. ♡ 

[haik11]

Grandpa

15 January 2022

I discovered that I haven’t written anything since my grandpa passed away. I did mention he was sick and things got worse with his health and well being, but sadly he left our side. It was a tough time going through a phase of a sick person till he dies. It’s almost a month has passed since he passed away, but it’s still fresh in our heads. My mom still recovering. I can’t say she’s totally fine because she’s not, but I can say she’s trying hard to sound okay. 

It was a rough time, but we saw it coming. We weren’t surprised, but the actual shock when we heard the news we couldn’t believe it. The funeral was one of the fastest days in my life. But we went through it fine. 

Seeing me talking about my past relationships and my current ones, all of those things that bothered me, all the time I thought I had my weakest points where I thought this is the most difficult time of my life, my whole hardships, all of them vanished when I saw my grandpa’s dead body. I was scared of that moment of watching grandpa for the last time, but I couldn’t believe that I went through it, and when I did, my life became this small🤏🏻. I couldn’t think of anything and just life got smaller in my eyes. We all gonna die and one day I’m gonna be in his place. It’s so frightening it gave me goosebumps, but at the same time, that’s how life goes on. We all in the end gonna leave this life and nothing we will take with us to our grave. 

It’s the first time for me to go through this, not the first time to hear someone close to me died, but my first time I saw a dead body. I always heard of the word “he’s super bright”, “his skin glow”, because I never believed how a dead body can sound white and shiny, but when I saw grandpa, everything changed. I saw different view of life. 

A life where nothing matter than Islam. How Islam actually saves you from draining yourself in the dark. Life had a different meaning to me after my grandpa passed away. 

[haik11]

‘Real Friends’

9 December 2021

You know, after I dumped my middle school friends, I thought I’d find me real ones at least in university. I was hopelessly praying I can find them there. I did, or at least I thought I did. Because I lied to myself when I noticed some disturbing things. I went along with it, but in the end everything was crystal clear. They were never ‘Real Friends’. It’s just desperate me looking for a group of friends who will stick together with me forever.    

But to be honest, through this journey, I’ve actually met the greatest people in my life. Sure I didn’t find the perfect group for me, but I found myself the perfect people for me. Those who I like and love the most, those who don’t forget me and those who really care about me. I don’t have to communicate with them 24/7. But I know deep down I mean so much to them just like how they mean so much to me. Maybe there is a gab in my heart for not finding real friends, but those people actually filled this gab that I no longer want what I thought would be perfect for me. Because they are enough, and I shouldn’t look for something doesn’t exist, or maybe something doesn’t suit me.  

I love all of them, so damn much. ♡ 

[haik11]

Only I can relate to that

2 December 2021

Seeing a lot of people around me who I know and cherish, and wanting to hangout with them but seeing how they enjoy life with other people who they can hangout with, just this mere thought of me watching from behind how a lot of things have changed .. While it’s only just me who have a problem with this. I’m not saying I’m hurt, because I’m not, I’m just disappointed. 

Here, I don’t mean a particular people, but all the people I know, and mostly the people I used to hangout with .. 

I know it’s part of my hormones for feeling such a way, and maybe extra, but the most part of it is true. 

[haik11]

I wanna take a break

27 November 2021

It’s the first I feel like I want to take a break of people. Actually it’s not the FIRST time I’d be lying if I say that, but this time it hit differently. 

I mean not a break of everything, but a break from my mind from always over thinking situations. I don’t want to hesitate when to send this message, when to exactly reply, if I had to reply immediately, wait an hour or five seconds to reply, or what I should/not have replied , I don’t want this it’s tiring. I want to normally reply like any other being, why it has to be so hard on me to do that? 

What’s so complicated to have me go through this shit. It’s frustrating me because it bothers me A LOT! I can’t even understand why. I just wanna live peacefully no need for headaches. 

I know it’s stupid but I’m tired of this and I need  a break, not only break but to end this already!

It’s freaking me out!

  That’s why, and I hope I don’t ruin this on myself this time, but really that’s why I’m taking a break. I actually did that before and I figured I really was in peace. So, going at it again will inshallah bring me back to peace.♡

[haik11]

Hormones II

6 November 2021

Since I’m not feeling well lately, with my mom being sad over my grandpa for suddenly collapsing and now it’s nearly depressing now a days in my grandma’s house. Though we manage sometimes to get through it, smile and laugh, but not always enough, specially if my grandpa is getting worse, maybe? I don’t know but we hope he gets better. So as I was saying, with this depressing vibe it’s kinda hard to keep on smiling a lot, with my hormones too it’s not helping either. 

I don’t feel like talking with my friends. I know I’ve written a lot about them and how I don’t fit and all this kind of stuff, I even may have over reacted stating they don’t give a shit about me, it’s my hormones really I swear they do, but I can’t shake the feeling of being so different, that I shouldn’t have made them my friends. I feel like crying right now because I hate overthinking this. Huh. My tears are dropping now, of course it’s 100% hormones fault, but I just can’t deal with it anymore, and I can’t run from it either. I can’t just stop being their friend, because they didn’t do me wrong, and I can’t pretend I’m 100% their true friend. 

It’s too much for me. 

I can’t talk about it because I don’t want to, it already took from me time to realize all of that and time to accept that. I’m sure of every word I say. I don’t want in a peer moment to forget about all of that just because I like the idea of having them as my friends. I have other friends too, we don’t communicate much but I like them. Sure I totally know that those are different from me too but you know what’s the different between them? It’s because with them I had to work it out. I ignored all about what I felt towards this and ignored how different I was and moved a long with it. But with those? I simply didn’t give much effort. I didn’t put my self to the edge to work it out. I just simply sat there and let it happen, either it will work, whether it will last, I never worried about that. And that’s why I think it was easy for me to keep them in my life, they never disappeared, they are there, I know that. I guess because it was more spontaneous, it wasn’t hard for me at all. Unlike them, I had to doubt myself many times, I had to question myself all the time, I had to choose between myself and them and I hated that the most. Of course I winded up choosing myself in the end, but I had to get through hell to do that, to admit that, to accept that. 

All I wanted to say is, never let anything be above yourself. Be who you are, screw all those who don’t like you. Choose yourself always, don’t put yourself behind and always be strong to confront the hardships, they exist to test your strength. You are always strong, because all the hardships in your life are existed for you to beat them and become stronger version than you ever been. No matter how strong your hardships sounded, you’d always beat them, because they are strong as your strength.  

[haik11]

My Hormones

31 October 2021

Just thought of writing. 

Well.. You see.. you meet a lot of people in your life and though most of the time you feel blessed but actually sometimes you feel blessed the other way, for meeting them now to never meet them ever in the future. Sometimes I wish if I never met some of them, and sometimes I wish I didn’t have to go through knowing them till you find out they never liked you from the beginning. They never get you in anything, you don’t have anything in common, you just basically different from another, it’s like zero chance of a friendship. Yet here you are making friends with them not knowing how unsuited you are together. Like how did I even ended up as their friend?🤣

Thinking about it now makes me wonder what did I find to give it a chance? But then again, I wasn’t found of this particular person from the beginning, but as part of being a kind person, I decided to give it a chance, for someway it moved, but stopped immediately when things got a bit serious with them. Well it did, it wasn’t bad either, but it has to stop, at least stop for me, because as I’ve been mentioning before, how quite unique I’m for being so much different from them, that is so obvious they don’t want to admit it in front of me and maybe admitted it in front of themselves, we are not suited as friends, or even close friends. 

Yeah. That’s why I don’t think it’s working, at least for me. Though I know how much this person dislikes me (not hate) but the fact that they don’t give a shit about me kinda makes me wonder, what did I do to let them behave like that? But then again I know. 

It’s my personality🤷🏻‍♀️. It’s me, they don’t like me being me, they don’t like how special I’m so they ignore me, and pretend they don’t give a shit about me. But guess what? I DON’T CARE TOO!!! IT’S NOT LIKE YOUR EXISTING IN LIFE GIVE SOMETHING TO ME!! YOU DON’T LIKE ME? GET OVER IT YOURSELF!! DON’T EXPOSE YOURSELF TO ME ! YOU LOOK PATHETIC DOING THAT.😆     

     Sorry I just had to say that to relief something inside of me. It’s not bothering me, but I don’t want it to stay in my heart longer than it should. I know it’s my hormones rolling over but yeah well I had to write it here.

Just remember, you don’t need who doesn’t need you, you’re off without them. It’s you who always matter.   

[haik11]

Daydreaming

21 July 2021

Every time I daydream, I always imagine myself alone or with a child where I’m a widow…

I don’t know why I’m always alone in my daydreams haha.

But I always wonder what would it be like to try it in real life, but it’s so scary to think of this as my reality..

It’s a sad life I’ll be having if I had one like this.

No matter how upset I’m with the people around me, I don’t want to fantasy myself alone all the time, because it’s sad. 

 I know now I’m just upset, but I don’t know why of all days I happened to give a damn about what they say about me, or maybe because they never stopped since yesterday? Or all the time to be fair? Because it’s not only yesterday but all the time.

Maybe I had enough of always ignoring? Because it’s tiring? Maybe because I give the feeling of not fazed? That they won’t stop?

Well whatever the reason is, I can’t ignore it forever that sometimes I act as if I’m not fazed while it hurts instead.

But then good to know that at least they know they were mean, but does it matter to them? Only Gods know.

U know I always say I’m okay and I will be awarded by God for being patient with them someday, and I’ll be proven right all the time. I believe God is watching and will prove me right someday. 

[haik11]

No Sharing

19 July 2021

This is the first time I wanted to share one of my many writings, but when I went back for choosing which one that will fit, I couldn’t.

It’s too personal to even think of sharing such a thing. I know I feel ashamed with some of them but not ashamed if it’s between me and myself. I can’t send one because all of my writings were in a breaking point, I just can’t send them simply like that and I can’t especially if those people doesn’t know me well. I’m saying this here because I can’t just go after my heart and forget how rational I should be especially at this late hour.

I know I shouldn’t have brought that subject or at least share this information about myself, but it’s a lesson I had to learn, or maybe I should’ve listened to my inner thoughts when I felt I don’t have to say that. 

It’s one of many lessons I’ve learned today.   

And because I can’t take back what I said, and I should stand up to my words, I shared some of them but of course not all of them or not all the parts of what I wrote. In the end I shouldn’t share too much when I shouldn’t. 

[haik11]

16 July 2021

It’s weird to be a stranger in a place you’re supposed to belong there, yet the feeling of weirdness still exists makes it uncomfortable to feel warm and cozy. I don’t care if this feeling creeps at me with anybody whether they are friends or colleagues, but the real problem if they are your family where it’s a must to be there as member of the family, your existence is necessary, yet you feel like a stranger..