Common experiences of lesbians who donât know theyâre lesbians yet
 Out of curiosity, I recently googled âAm I lesbian quizâ. Half the âAre You a Lesbianâ quizzes just asked outright, âAre you attracted to women?â as though that isnât the very answer a questioning lesbian is trying to figure out. The other half marked me as heterosexual for things like owning more nail varnish than dogs. I hope this list will give you more nuanced ideas to think about as you explore your identity.
These experiences are all really common among - but not universal or exclusive to - people who later realize theyâre lesbians and find a comfortable home in the lesbian label and community.
Itâs mostly stuff that I and other lesbians I know have wished we knew when we were first coming to grips with our lesbian identities, because the fact is it takes a long time to discover how common a lot of these experiences are among lesbians, and not knowing what to look for when trying to figure out if youâre a lesbian can be hard.
Deciding which guys to be attracted to â not to date, but to be attracted to â based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities
Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him
Getting jealous of a specific female friendâs relationships with guys and assuming you must be attracted to the guys sheâs with (even if you never really noticed them before she was interested in them)
Picking a guy at random to be attracted to
Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but flipping your attraction on like a switch â thatâs a common lesbian thing
Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them â and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesnât meet them
Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way
Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with
Being deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate
Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them
Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them
Having a lot of your âguyâ crushes later turn out to be trans women
Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man
Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship youâve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man youâve actually met in that image
Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships youâve seen and/or regularly feeling like âmaybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like thatâ
Thinking youâre commitmentphobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it
Going along with escalation because it seems like the 'appropriate timeâ or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally arenât quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.
Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the âcomfortably settledâ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness
Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you canât identify
Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at the guys youâre interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is totally realistic
Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually
Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends
Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals
Thinking youâre really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends donât think youâre heartless
After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with
Worrying that youâre broken inside and unable to really love anyone
Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted
OR: preferring to 'be a teaseâ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore
Only being comfortable with sex with men if thereâs an extreme power imbalance and your desires arenât centred
Using sex with men as a form of self-harm
Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you donât understand that reaction and think youâre fine and crying etc for no reason)
Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it
Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him
Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing
Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy youâre âattractedâ to
Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until youâve come to grips with your attraction to women
Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women when youâre not that way with anyone else
Wanting to kiss your female best friend on the mouth for literally any reason (âto practice for boysâ included)
Getting butterflies or feeling like you canât get close enough when cuddling with a close female friend
Looking at a close female friend and feeling something in your chest clench up and being overwhelmed with love for her - love you may read as platonic
Having had strong and abiding feelings of admiration for a specific female teacher, actor, etc., growing up that were deep and reverent
Having had an unusually close relationship with a female friend growing up that was different and special in a way you couldnât articulate
Thinking relationships would be simpler âif only I were attracted to women/my best friend who would be perfect for me if she/I werenât a girlâ
When a female friend is treated badly by a man, having your protective thoughts turn in the direction of âif I was him/a man Iâd never do that to her/my girlfriendâ
Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking theyâre all ultra cool people
Having your favourite character in every show be that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (like Shego from Kim Possible or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica)
Feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable in locker rooms etc., when your female friends are less clothed than they normally would be around men and being more careful not to look than they are
The 'straightâ version of you
Thinking that all straight girls feel at least some attraction to women
Thinking that your interest in seeing attractive women/scantily clad women/boobs is an artificial reaction caused by the objectification of women in media
Being really into how women look âaestheticallyâ/âjust as artistic interestâ
Thinking itâs objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men
Being a really intense LGBT+ âallyâ and getting weirdly emotional about homophobia but assuming youâre just a Really Good Ally and v empathetic
Having like half your friend group from school turn out to be LGBT+
Getting emotional or having a strong reaction you donât understand to f/f love stories etc.
Having had people think you were gay when you had no suspicion you were gay
Exploring attraction to women
Feeling like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you canât imagine doing anything sexual with a woman
Feeling like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you canât imagine having romantic feelings for a woman
Thinking you couldnât be a lesbian because youâre not attractive enough, cool enough, or otherwise in the same league as most of the women you know
Interacting with het sex/romance in media by imagining yourself in the manâs position or just never/rarely imagining yourself in the womanâs position
Really focusing on the women in het porn
Being really into the idea of kissing/being sexual with a woman 'to turn guys onâ
Being really annoyed when guys actually do express interest in watching or joining in when you do that
Only feeling/expressing attraction to or sexual interest in women when youâre inebriated or otherwise impaired
Having a lot of conflicting gender feelings that are only possible to resolve once you understand you are/can be a lesbian
Thinking that being gnc and feeling a disconnect from traditional womanhood mean that you canât be a woman even if thatâs what feels closest to right - many lesbians are gnc and many lesbians feel disconnected from traditional womanhood since itâs so bound up in heteropatriarchy
Knowing youâre attracted to women and not being able to parse that (esp + any gender nonconformance) as gay, taking a long time to figure out if youâre a straight man or a lesbian
Being dysphoric about the parts of you that make straight men think your body is owed to them, having to figure out what that dysphoria means for/to you
Knowing youâre attracted to women, but feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable trying to interact with them as a straight man, and only later realizing youâre actually a trans lesbian
Knowing youâre gay, but experiencing a lot of the symptoms of comp het when you try to interact with men romantically/sexually, and only later realizing youâre a trans lesbian and not a gay man
Being nonbinary and taking a long time to sort through being able to respect/understand your nonbinary identity and your lesbianness at the same time
Wanting to be a lesbian but feeling like if you donât already know you are one you canât be
Feeling guilty about wanting to be a lesbian, feeling like youâre just attention-seeking or trying to be trendy
Suppressing your lesbian dreams because you think exploring that desire would mean youâre a bad/homophobic person using lesbianness selfishly
Wishing you were a lesbian to escape the discomfort of dating men
Fantasizing about how much fun it would be to be a lesbian and just be with women/a specific woman, but thinking that canât be for you
Worrying that some of your past attraction to men was actually real so you canât be a lesbian
Worrying that bc you canât be 100% sure youâre not attracted to men and canât be 100% sure you wonât change your mind, you canât be a lesbian
Worrying that you only want to be a lesbian because of trauma and that means your lesbianness would be Fake
Worrying that trauma-induced complications in how you experience sex (e.g., a habit of self-harming via sex w men or a fear of any sex at all) mean youâre not a Real Lesbian
Every item on this list is common among Real Lesbians. Itâs all Normal Lesbian Stuff. If youâre worried that you canât be a lesbian even though itâs the life you really want for yourself, I hope this gives you permission to explore that. You are allowed to be a lesbian.Â
And if youâre not sure yet â if you took the time to read this entire thing because youâre curious about your identity, if you identified with a bunch of items on this list â you may or may not be a lesbian, but friend, you almost certainly arenât cishet. Welcome.
(Iâd love to hear other things lesbians wish youâd known were A Thing when you were first exploring your identity!)
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