t r i b u l a t i o n

❝ wish i could get a little u n d r u n k so i could u n c a l l you at five in the morning i would u n f u c k you but some things you can't undo. i wish i could u n k i s s the room full of S T R AN G E R S so i could unspite you and unlose my temper but some things you can't undo and one of them is y o u... ❞

[halfsuperman]

texts ✉️ finn ⇄ kurt

KURT: There are a few, yes. Your assistant has been consistent. I don't keep track. Nothing serious.

KURT: Yes, exactly. I run my fashion empire, you star in blockbusters. It's a beautiful relationship.

KURT: Porn and fan fiction. I'd watch that movie. Dating men isn't that different than women, I'd assume. Men are pretty simple.

KURT: He does squats. You're interested in him?

FINN: wow. are you only friends with me to sleep with my assistant?

FINN: honestly we could have an e! show about this. i bet it's on pornhub.

FINN: his squats show. i think so. i mean definitely attracted to him. few texts make me think he's cute as hell. don't know if i can trust him to not go to dirt and expose me.

[halfsuperman]

F2F: Flowers, Farmer’s, First Dates ( San + Finn )

Checking his gps one last time to make sure he had the right address, Finn slowed his Range Rover to a stop, put it in park and cut the engine. For a moment he hesitated, wondering if he should just send a text to Santana that he was outside or just head to the door. Glancing around, taking note of the bushes and other places the paps like to hide out and deeming it safe, Finn opened his door and stepped out. In just over an hour, the paparazzi would be called to catch the first exclusive pictures of Finn Hudson and Santana Lopez spending time together. The whole thing had been brilliantly staged and managed by their respective teams and Finn was a little impressed. A farmer’s market was the perfect setting, lowkey and with crowds to ensure the paps would keep a reasonable distance. Having a pr girlfriend wasn’t the worst idea for the downtime between shoots, especially considering Finn had refused to commit to another project yet, and Santana Lopez was easily the hottest woman on the available market. And, as Finn had discovered from their first meeting over grilled cheese, she wasn’t obsessed with musicals so he wouldn’t need to work as hard fake listening. Reaching Santana’s door, Finn pushed the doorbell and then stood waiting, already wondering if maybe he should have just sent the text.

[halfsuperman]

texts ✉️ finn ⇄ kurt

KURT: Forget about it.

KURT: Just because I don't talk about it all the time doesn't mean that I don't hook up, Finn.

KURT: If only you would marry me. Grilled cheeses for days. I'm sure you'll get the date, anyway.

KURT: I know. I've just never seen you date a man and I wonder what that would look like. Blaine and I are pretty close. He's a great person. Very talented and kind. Why?

FINN: wait you got a boy and you holding out on me? now who turntabled it? what's his name?

FINN: i can see the headlines now. we'd be like that one famous designer who married another famous person and built an empire.

FINN: well i've never really dated a man so i don't know what it'd be like either. nobody wants to think of superman coming home to jimmy olsen. there's totally a porn about it though.

FINN: i binged his gay show. he's got a nice butt. it'd be worth trying for if he wouldn't like expose it on the show.

[halfsuperman]

texts ✉️ finn ⇄ blaine

BLAINE: you read that as "illumination," huh? i see. well, i'm flattered by the compliment and would relish the chance to play a singing sea lion or a musical macaques.

BLAINE: you saw me at the pantages. not on broadway. i mean, the theatre's tagline is technically "broadway in hollywood" but i can't claim to be a broadway evan when i didn't play him at the music box in nyc.

FINN: illuminati is not illumination. yeah. i'm not the sharpest crayon in toolbox. i think you'd be a great sea lion as long as they gave you a bowtie.

FINN: huh. so all musicals are not broadway. look at you teaching me all this stuff. i was dating this girl and she talked a lot but she never talked during musicals so we saw a lot and i've already learned more from you then her.

FINN: you ever wanted to go to nyc and play evan there? or like some musical?

[halfsuperman]

texts ✉️ finn ⇄ santana

SAN: my publicist told me a 6 pack was coming my way. it better not be gift wrapped in a beer gut now that you're out of the super suit.

FINN: no worries. 6 pack is still on the bod. got some decent back muscles there too just in case you need any heavy lifting done. i can gift wrap something else.

[halfsuperman]

texts ✉️ finn ⇄ kurt

KURT: This conversation.

KURT: I'm great at tailoring.

KURT: If that's true, why has no one ever made me a grilled cheese? So the grilled cheese is for her? Do I want to know your plans? It's probably for the best and at least you have good taste in beards.

FINN: you full blown lost me. can you pack conversations? idk. my head hurts.

FINN: ayyyyyyyy that's my boy!

FINN: because you probably ain't looking for a good old boy and chasing them fancy pant types who look down on grilled cheese. my plan is to get to her to agree to date me in public. it's a solid plan.

FINN: well i do still like women too. especially the top notch ones. but uh, what do you know about blaine anderson? think he can keep quiet?

[halfsuperman]

SAM:

Ahh, but I like the outdoors, man. I just want to be able to run outside without being hounded, you know? Thanks for the rec, though. Yeah, that’s kind of a sum up of some of my music. Well, there’s no bull so there can’t be a rodeo. Dude, yes. I’m having another pop-up next week. If you come by, I’ll have a table for you and drinks on me.

That’s the actual hollywood dream. Damn paps are there every single time I try to run the canyon so now Kurt had to add fashionable workout clothes to my wardrobe. I think he secretly likes it. I think we gotta find a bar with a mechanical bull so you can go full rodeo. I’ll totally be there man!

[halfsuperman]

FREDDIE:

Um, I’m a famous vegan chef… so it’s kind of literally my job. I don’t watch a lot of movies, as I don’t really have time, with my diner, my charity work, my community garden, and opening my new diner in LA. Sports, I used to play sports. I work out 6 times a week. I don’t need a publicist. 

How can you be famous without a publicist? Their whole job is making sure you’re famous and relevant in the right circles. I mean I know Ramsey, Wolfgang, Aron, even the annoying Jamie dude but I got no idea who you are so like I can shoot you her number.

[halfsuperman]

texts ✉️ finn ⇄ blaine

BLAINE: movie star finn hudson going out of his way to get my number. what's that about? am i finally being tapped for my illuminati induction? are you a recruiter?

BLAINE: the blue polo (👕) emoji also suffices as a nod to evan. 💁🏻‍♂️

FINN: do you wanna voice a character? i got connections over at that studio. they're doing another one of the singing animals movies and you got the pipes.

FINN: i actually saw on broadway when you were evan. you were great man. so the blue polo it is.

[halfsuperman]

FREDDIE​:

… That… is 100% not how that works. Unless you’re planning on becoming Hannibal Lecter, then the fact that I’m vegan doesn’t make me prey to other humans, and the animals who eat meat, like lions and tigers, who, you know hunt their prey, they’ll eat you no matter what your diet is. A T-Rex would eat me, it would eat you, it doesn’t care what your diet is. It just cares that it’s bigger and faster than you. 

I’m bigger and faster than a lot of people, and I haven’t eaten meat in 10 years. 

Are you like one of those vegans who doesn’t know how to talk about anything other than being a vegan? Cause I know a great publicist who can like help you and show you how to talk about normal stuff like movies and sports.

[halfsuperman]

FREDDIE​:

No.. it’s not crunchy at all. Much like nut milks, you can use them to make cheese. Same consistency, similar texture, delicious creamy taste. It’s just all plant-based and vegan. 

I wasn’t great at school but like plant eaters are typically the ones that get murdered first by literally anything that doesn’t eat plants. Jurassic Park also definitely proved that.

[halfsuperman]

FREDDIE:

Okay, so, I recently created my take on Mac n Cheese. Completely vegan. Made with truffles, home-made vegan pasta, and organic cashew cheese. I’m trying to decide if I should make this my new signature dish at my flagship diner, or if I should have it be my ‘big reveal’ food for my pop up shop as a specialty at my soon-to-be open LA diner. 

Thoughts? Opinions?

That sounds like Mac n Nuts and the only crunchy part of a good Mac n Cheese is breadcrumbs.

[halfsuperman]

SAM​:

Almost ate dirt today while going for a jog on the canyon when I saw what I’m pretty sure was a pap’ snapping pictures of me. That would’ve been my demise. On another note, I’m doing a little pop up show at the Viper Room tonight if anyone’s down for some good music and drinks. Just let me know you’re coming so I can put your name on the list and get you a nice table. I promise it’s not a rodeo. Just some songs about love and the countryside.

And that is why you hire a personal trainer so you can eat shit on a gym floor in private. I got a guy if you want his number. Love and the countryside? That sounds pretty rodeo to me cowboy. I haven’t been to the Viper Room in a hot minute though so consider me swayed.

[halfsuperman]

texts ✉️ finn ⇄ kurt

KURT: I didn't?

KURT: Yes, him. I don't know what you're talking about. Why don't you fire her, then?

KURT: Right, but you're also supposed to talk to your best friend about it when they're your best source for romantic advice. Yet is a key word, huh? Fantana isn't bad either. So, a woman? She's pretty.

FINN: then what are you unpacking?

FINN: I'll send him over then. Maybe you can get his pants off him too. For some tailoring.

FINN: grilled cheese is something that can be so personal and romantic. but fair. it's like our first hang out. fantana. that's a dope name. yeah, a woman. teri doesn't know about the men and i don't think she'd be eager to set me up with one. she is really pretty. you know me, always aiming big.

[halfsuperman]

texts ✉️ finn ⇄ blaine

BLAINE: for me it's the smear headlines jill plants on dirt online when my castmates are having a go at me. queen of deflection.

BLAINE: i'm obviously saving your name with the 🦸🏻‍♂️ emoji, superman. and a 💪🏼 to acknowledge all the hard work it took to look the part.

FINN: well shit yeah that's pretty good. i mean mine got me your number but like headlines. that's the dream.

FINN: i can't find a broken arm emoji but i found this 🌈 so i'll save your name with that.

[halfsuperman]

texts ✉️ finn ⇄ kurt

KURT: There's a lot to unpack here.

KURT: I would tell you to bring them over but it sounds like you've got a busy night ahead of you. Can your assistant come? Preferably the nice cute one. Not the girl with the mustache. I think she spits in my drinks.

KURT: What is Santana Lopez doing going to your house and why are you just telling me about it?

FINN: wait when did you move?

FINN: who elliot? i see you hummel, i see you. yeah...dottie probably does spit in your drinks cause i think she spits in mine.

FINN: i'm a gentleman now like you taught me. i'm not supposed to kiss and tell. i mean i haven't kissed her yet but you know. publicists are really helpful in setting things up. she's hot and upcoming. i'm hot and upcoming. dirt is gonna end up giving us a name like brangelina or something. ooooh, sinn's got a hot ring to it right?

[halfsuperman]

texts ✉️ finn ⇄ kurt

KURT: Please tell me you didn't seriously spill nacho cheese on those pants.

FINN: i didn't seriously spill the cheese. i was wearing them cause santana lopez is coming over and they look good on me and then i wanted a grilled cheese but i only had nacho cheese so i tried to put the nacho cheese on the bread and idk it got on my pants.