Legends are made in Shallow Graves

the fiction feeding, the dream we can't release, the catastrophe capitalizing on every downfall, and while nothing falls in favor of the good fight, i'll hold on to that tiny bit of romanticism i have left Check out my art only: elizabethvirginiaart.tumblr.com And my etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ElizabethVirginiaArt

[halleluiahlocknload]

I wish I could remain in moments

To remember just how beautifully simple things were

And why couldn't I appreciate it

Crying thinking of how I didn't spend enough time with Granny Sharon or Dad

Almost cried in front of Granny

Felt like a spoiled brat that Mom couldn't take me to the airport tomorrow

But I got a day with the Putnams and even though I'm treated like less than by some

Granny Golda asked for her first tattoo and due to the cancer treatment I had to say no

More tears

How aged everyone is getting

I found myself in such an emotional tizy trying to stay calm and hide it from everyone

Making myself sick

I'm going to "waste" my money on being with family

[halleluiahlocknload]

Sitting here with the Putnams

There watching FIFA

And I miss you

[halleluiahlocknload]

"When entering marriage, look not at the face, which changes with the seasons, nor the wealth, which can vanish in a night. Look instead at the character, for a virtuous companion is a treasury that never empties." — Socrates

Likes, lust, attention all fade into the Muse who has found herself trapped by the Gaze

Sweetly somehow you thought this was liberating

You were wrong

[creatingblackcharacters]

Remember when Lil Nas X beautifully explored his sexuality, seduced and killed the devil to the banger of all time, and instead of cheering on this openly gay and proud Black artist for his artistry and fighting back against respectability politics, suddenly said respectability politics was all the Queerest Place on the Internet cared about? Hm. Wonder what happened there.

Anyway I miss him and hope he's doing better with his mental health 🙏🏾

[creatingblackcharacters]

Like say what you want about "bad queer representation", but this was the song that made me openly and happily accept that I was bisexual. To see him up there Black and beautiful, making music that I love, absolutely killing it? Yeah. You couldn't tell me shit. This man made me proud to be out. "This will make them think we're evil for being gay" hey newsflash dawg-

[blueee-jai]

I love Lil Nas X real bad and I hope he’s doing better for real ❤️

[identitty-dickruption]

somatic symptoms of anxiety are so fucked. what do you mean I got so scared my body decided that it needed to add nausea and headache and dizzy to the situation. how is it helping

[halleluiahlocknload]

Good morning wide world. So today I am supposed to get my rib rocker finished after 6 years and I am very nervous. I'm very scared to be completely honest because it's going on top of my diaphragm onto my stomach tattooed jewels dripping from my rib cage

But this is just the subplot of today

I went to bed this morning early for me got up or was awoken at 10:00 a.m. to what sounded like gunfire from the TV, loud rap music and then of course him scolding the dog. That was a lot to wake up to so I got up. Got some coffee went out and sat on the porch with him and the dog tried to de-stimulate

All, while trying to clear my notifications from my phone, make sure that things are touched back on. Also keep a conversation with him up and play with the dog

I'm anxious

He's already started talking about going to the studio early to or so I can get my design ready. That's not my job today. I want to relax. I want to wake up. I want to drink coffee. I want to do the things I need to do on my phone, be done with it and vibe to get ready for this tattoo

After two arguments where what I was talking about was cut off. My conversation was stunted and then it was taken over and mansplained to me. He got upset with me because I was like this is not what I want to talk about or how I want to talk about it. Can you please listen to what I have to say?

I am accused of starting fights and ruining today because I can't keep my goddamn mouth shut, I don't listen and I don't get it

I've been up an hour

Go me

[halleluiahlocknload]

It's about fucking ridiculous that I'm working

I'm pulling designs, checking in with clients, unpacking and inventory order

And my partner who is a concept artist has pulled one contract, gotten lunch and has been on an online game all day is being an asshole to me because they hurt and instead of walking the milkshakes to the freezer I was screamed at from the common area to come out of my room and do it

Food unpacked in front of a blowing fan in the common area which I'm like please don't unpack my food until I'm ready for it

Let alone don't want it to be cold

Drag my ass across the studio and my arm catches let alone loses function while holding these milkshakes to cross into the kitchen

I drop one down the front of me

No help

Just irritated because I dropped this shake

Trying to get it cleaned up

Now their like your so dramatic I'm not hungry anymore you've upset me

So I keep working while eating

Working lunch

Fuck them I'm listening to Disney Pandora

[halleluiahlocknload]

The resident is my new Netflix emotional experience I don't know I need

This episode is COVID

In other news I jammed out to Disney tunes all day while tattooing

[halleluiahlocknload]

Good morning, I've been up not even half an hour and in the first 2 minutes of being up I was screamed at for being up too early and also not listening and not paying attention to what they were saying while I was waking up to "SHUT THE FUCK UP" being screamed at my dog

Also, I had waited through two of my alarms this morning to get ready for work because they were in the bathroom. I have gone over this multiple times. These are the times I need to wake up for work so I can get my day started so I can do these things to feel a certain way to look a certain way to be the person I want to be

Consistently they are in the bathroom when I wake up to the point that I will stay awake for 5 or so minutes so that they can leave the bathroom and they don't now. My next alarm is another 45 minutes to another hour and a half later. When that one goes off they are again in the bathroom. So now I have woken up twice. I need to use the restroom and cannot because it is a single bathroom household and when I come out. Frustrated and in pain because I must use the bathroom and explaining. Hey you know what time I wake up. You know what time I usually come out. Could you please try and respect my schedule? No no

Cool

They told me to take my own car

Bitch I own both vehicles, know and pay most of the bills and have been paying shit off

It's going to be real cute when I sell "yours" because you can't make, maintain, or afford the car

But that's petty

[classicdavinci]

 “The Birth of Venus” by Adolph Hirémy Hirschl

[halleluiahlocknload]

Today I said after the blowup of taking apart the oven looking for a mouse to which standing 4 feet away was told to

GET OUT OF MY WAY

GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAY

After being told to stay there or stand there

you're not going to react this way to me asking something

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO FIGHT WITH ME

I'm not

I'm asking

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE

How am I supposed to move out of your way when you are in the area I have to move through to get out of your way

HERE WE FUCKING GO

No

I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE NOW YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME ALONE

LEAVE ME ALONE

You do not get to scream at me for not doing things to your standard while ignoring my boundaries

YOUR SUCH A FUCKING BITCH

This is every time you are met with an adult conversation about boundaries

FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE

slamming doors, nasty looks, stomping through the trailer, coming by me just close enough to unsettle etc

Next will be the onslaught of every thing I've ever done wrong paraphrased to hurt me and get rises

I'm a whore, I sleep with people to get what I want

I don't know love, I'm a monster, who could love me?

The only thing anyone wants from you is sex

Hahaha jokes on you I'm not sexually interested in anything at this point thanks to you and you making me feel less than for how I dress, act, work

This is it

Am I making my stand today?

Or will you crumble back and say all the right things only to play house for another week only every day 8+ hours of video games

No house work

No laundry

No cooking

No cleaning

Oh wait the dishes

But those aren't even put up

Now I'm getting asked what's the time frame for him to leave

Hahaha again it's my job?

[halleluiahlocknload]

It's been 2 years

This i use to think this was my cycle

I'm realizing it's the cycle of they can't hide anymore and I can't ask anymore

I get better, get told I can relax, let someone else take the weight

The weight comes back slowly

I don't even realize

Only this time it's more

It's their mood when asked

The anger when asked again

Anger when I don't do what I'm supposed to be doing?

Yelling Screaming I didn't do it fast enough

I'm the problem

Again

I am not the problem

I keep solving mine and rebuilding

The problem these last 6 years is that each partner has been even better at hiding these faults

Lies

The physical abuse stopped a few months ago when I fought back

I shouldn't of been forced to

But now I'm the abusive one

I've changed the narrative

No I've been tested and beaten like a whipped dog for establishing boundaries to keep myself safe

And I weakly stupidly scarred took this and called it love

They'll change

It's just a bad day

I grew up around a father who had a lifetime of bad days

I grew up listening

Proactive vs reactive

How do I stay safe?

Emotionally and mentally I may never have been

But I can see the truth now

Clearly

Soberly

YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME

I cry I shake

I survive

[halleluiahlocknload]

Vs

I'm fucking crazy aren't I

But this straight pisses me off, please respect the shit that is provided for you and do not fucking burn my couch with cigarettes and joints blame the dog all while your fucking gaming and not paying attention

This couch is less than a year old 😭

I understand accidents happen but . . .

[halleluiahlocknload]

Had to hit me right

Thank you Facebook for your new bullshit

But Gawd Dayum we were good looking

[mesogeios]

“A language is not just a body of vocabulary or a set of grammatical rules, a language is a flash of the human spirit. It’s a vehicle through which the soul of each particular culture comes into the material world. Every language is an old-growth forest of the mind, a watershed of thought, an ecosystem of spiritual possibilities”

— Wade Davis (via linguisten)

[halleluiahlocknload]

Today's playlist sponsored by shuffle pandora did nothing but remind me of Collin

[halleluiahlocknload]

Today I guess is like speaking truths, affirmations whatever and processing emotions day I am using. Talk to text so this will probably be run on, but I just started watching Frankie and Grace, Grace and Frankie on Netflix. It's so cute! It's awesome. Let my first joint of the day drinking coffee took Ryder on a walk and now I'm just trying to sit with myself and the emotions of the weekend and work and trying to put together a post for Binks and not procrastinate

I know it's 2:30 in the afternoon and I have a dream work schedule but I have just been so exhausted and not able to keep my schedule that I started this year with. I want to be on a schedule to take care of myself to eat better to sleep. Better to work better to work the way I want to and I have not been supported in this and so I need to take a reset and really take my days off and not do anything except for what my heart and my mind need to do to refill my cup

I am hoping that today and tomorrow I can do that. Godspeed!