RANT ABOUT FAMILY AND DEATH
Yesterday was a week being back in my hometown for my grandmother
I think I have been doing really well considering that literally I haven't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep each night. That time. Has awesome. Been broken up due to puppies. I am getting up every morning between 4:00 and 5:00 a.m. because of the dogs to try and help and keep mom in bed so she can sleep a little bit more because from there we are usually up and off to Granny and granddaddy's. She then goes to work. I sometimes go with her. We then come back, spend the afternoon do dinner with the family because everybody is here and has been all week almost which is amazing
Mom has been granny golda's main care provider doing experience nurse level s*** to help keep her out of the hospital and due to the care or lack thereof that she was provided by nurse and staff in the hospital
I am one of her other care providers and that's a lot. She is still very much with us. She's still very cognitive. She is still even moving around on her own but she is bagged she is ported
She's on a fentanyl patch. She is on an oral morphine and yesterday a hospice was initiated to which we had to meet with an intake nurse, a care provider, a social worker and a chaplain
So my lack of sleep and of course the stress of everything has been taking its toll. And yesterday I really felt it had gotten into a couple very intense anxiety inducing situations to which I was very proud of myself. I walked away. I calmed myself down. I did not bring attention to myself or cause anybody else in the family to be worried and then came back and we're talking 5-10 minutes tops here. We're not talking 2-hour drives
Also she has had a very busy couple days with all of the family coming in for god sakes. I have three uncles with their own families, not to mention the extended family visiting. So yesterday she was in and out of sleep in one of my uncles wanted me to go sit in with her and I have explained or tried to explain multiple times. I am not going to sit there and watch her like a zoo animal on bated breath. She still has the ability to tell us and yell at us if she needs something and if she wants me she will ask for me. She knows I am here all day almost
So my one Uncle yesterday followed me out onto the back porch. I had not been able to dose myself and I was starting to unravel a little bit. I was trying to calm myself down
Him and I do not see eye to eye and he is the one that very particularly. We have had five instances in which I have had to walk away. I've had to walk out of the house and yeah
But he kind of starts with the hey. I want to have a conversation with you now. Mind you my anxiety had been rolling the last 2 days of how I'm going to say hey Uncle Mike. I need you to sit and I need you to please listen to me and please hear me and let it sink in that you are not being respectful what I am doing here and when you interrupt me in the middle of something that I'm doing that is clearly what you are about to ask me to do and then get mad when I try and tell you please give me the space to finish so you can understand and it can hopefully put your anxiety to rest blah blah blah something something like this right?
I'm like awesome! Let's do this. Let's be adults
To which he starts. I need you to start acting like a part of this family and I don't understand why you don't want to be a part of this family
Your grandmother needs you and all I'm asking is for you to spend some time with her
Know what he did was he told me that I had to go sit in with her right as I was charging my watch and getting designs out onto my light board
To which I dropped everything and went inside and sat with her and when I walked back out to get something he jumped my ass to which I applied or attempted to that. Hey I was just setting up for work
No he shook his finger in my face. Said Elizabeth stop this now. I've got important s*** to do. My job is on the line. You can't give Christy and I 5 minutes to save my job
Christy, attempts to come to my defense. I shut down. I walk back into the room with Granny who is luckily is still asleep in her recliner and I literally sit down and proceed to tear up and to shake for probably a half an hour until of course the hospice nurse came to in process Grammy
So it has been non-stop yesterday morning. Pretty much in my brain in my timeline and I know that the stress and the anxiety cause my chronological timeline to collapse sometimes which is why. Thank God I'm a Virgo and I plan plan right right? Or at least I'm trying to
But any whores back to the story he starts at me like this to which I try and say Uncle Mike. You have not been respectful to me. I was trying to get ready to do some work to which he goes back in on. He's going to lose his job and I f****** lose it. Why is your job more important than mine and then he starts with the don't curse at me? That's disrespectful. How are you this disrespectful? I'm not asking that much of you and I have done s*** tons for you since you've been f****** born and you're just ungrateful
I say multiple times the way you are currently speaking to me is disrespectful. It is upsetting me. I am not going to process this the way you are processing this and if you can't have a conversation please do not speak to me. Please do not ask me to do things. Please keep your distance from me or else I am going to act like this and not be able to control it
Every time I speak he speaks over me. He is sitting in a chair next to the back door so I have to speak to him there. I walk away multiple times to which he's like Elizabeth. Let's just have this conversation and then again we'll not listen and it's the guilt trip and the blame game and the everything I've done wrong. It was so much and I literally there were a few moments that I stopped myself. I was leaning over pointing at him shaking physically shaking almost ill. Went to a catatonic place of of I will swing on this mother. F*****.
I felt it. I saw it. I literally pulled myself back up about face walked away and he kept nagging so I kept returning and after the third time of getting nowhere at sank in that this is Michael. This is who my uncle is and this was our problem all those years ago at the beach house and I'm sorry but I'm never going to forgive him for that
This is repeated behavior. This is he can't take responsibility and he needs things done his way or he's a f****** mess
I finally went and sat at the end of the driveway on the ground behind Aunt Donna and Uncle Wayne's truck to hide from everyone because I was afraid that I was just going to cry uncontrollably and shake and look like the dramatic mess they all thought I was
I do not want anyone to see me like this because I do not want anyone to bother my grandmother with this let alone. I don't want any one of my other uncles or my mother have to put Michael in his place yet again. I honestly and truly believe I did the best I could in the moment
So I'm sitting there on my butt bag with me putting stuff in it. Trying to get it together. Tearing up and Michael comes down twice to talk to me and I was like I don't know how to be any clearer. Do you not speak to me or else this going to go even more south than it is?
He ended up going into the house grabbing the keys while the nurse was sitting with Granny and everybody else is trying to sit in on the conversation and understand her hospice care and took off and left. I heard granddaddy come out onto the back porch and I quelled myself. Got my stuff together and slowly walked up onto the back porch and granddaddy asked me where Michael was and I just shook my head. I asked him how he was and he was like he don't like all that medical stuff going on in there and them picking and prodding at her and he asked me what I was doing and where I went and I told him that I had to go sit at the end of the driveway because I was trying to get away from Michael and granddaddy looked at me with that. What the f*** kind of look and I just started crying and he's like oh Elizabeth. Please don't cry. Please don't. He's like it breaks my heart to see you cry and please don't let him do this to you.
I told him I was sorry and I'd get over myself
He told me not to worry about a thing. He would take care of it and I snapped back and I was like granddaddy you will do no such thing. He is an adult and so am I. And ain't nobody need to see any of this or be drug into it
He teared up a little said thank you. Thank you for doing that for me now. Please get yourself cleaned up so nobody sees you like that
Again 5 minutes of tears possibly streaming down my face. I am cleaned up and smiling again by the time Uncle John rolls into the driveway
I got through the entire night with thank God and not that I know of anybody hearing Michael and I on the back porch. Nobody asking any questions. Michael not throwing a f****** pity party for himself and I didn't even tell Mom I didn't want to put another burden on her shoulders
Good morning let's do it again
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