Alfred F. Jones @hamburgerhowdy - Tumblr Blog

What's the most food by weight you've ever eaten in one sitting?

. . . Really? I can answer anything you want, and-?

Yup, fuck it, let's go with that.

I dunno. The most I know the exact weight of was for a state fair hot dog eating contest. Ya boy came out to 42 hotdogs at half a pound of meat each, plus buns. I dunno the weight of the buns.

So, 21 pounds of meat in, like, 30 minutes?

#ic #Honest Al (no lies event)#loosely based on my cousin who at a mere 15 years old... ate 13 pounds of hotdog at the state fair #Cousin Joey's the most stereotypical american I've ever met and we love him for it.#Most hotdogs EVER eaten was also by a guy named joey... it was 76. BUT they were much smaller #Not half-pounders!#tw binge eating

Which celebrity can you not stand?

Uhhhh

[Are there any? He doesn't wanna say "no one" and realize it's a lie. He's not allowed to lie. Which celebrity is he least amused by, maybe-]

Ryan Reynolds. There's only so charming you can be before it starts getting annoying. Fuckin' handsome-ass cellphone-shilling Canuck. Maybe I kinda wanna smooch him, and maybe I kinda totally hate his guts. Ugh, and that smile? Come on, bro. Fuck ooooooff.

#ic #does jealousy count? Jealousy counts.#he loves him to the point of hating him #Honest Al (no lies event)

What's one food you will never eat

Bugs. I've traveled all over, and I gotta say, fried scorpions or crickets or whatever all smell and look rad, but... no. Yo, I cannooooot. Full mental block there. Even if it's, like, mealworm protein powder or whatever, I cannot eat bugs.

#ic

How long did it take you to forgive Rhode Island for the "not ratifying the Constitution" thing?

I usually don't hold grudges, so once things got moving? Water under the bridge. If there was a Rhode Island personification, though, I would abso-fucking-lutely still tease them about it.

#ic

If I can impress her, then we'll cross that bridge but she's so smart and clever and pretty and I just want a kiss cause she's probably not going to be interested once she realises I'm a dork

Yeah, nah. I'm not giving you my dog just so you can trick some lady into thinking you're worth her time, bro. Lying to someone for just one kiss when ya know they wouldn't kiss you otherwise? You're not a dork; you're a creep.

Sucks to suck.

#ic #well... guess this one is an Honest Al too lmao those are inside thoughts #though whether or not he'd normally keep them in is a different story.

How would you feel if a family member of yours kept their baby a secret from you?

Woah, uh...

I don't think that's a problem since nations can't have babies. I mean, unless you count micronations, but-

[ vacant stare ]

But, y-ya know, micros can also be, like, siblings and stuff! They don't gotta be kids! Sometimes they're siblings or really great pals, like a roommate who calls dibs on the linen closet or something like that!

Okay, if they did hide it, though, I guess I'd be... bummed? Like, I'unno what else to call it. It sucks to not be let in on things. It'd really depend which family member it is. Like, holy shit, if Mattie hid that I'd be pissed. I'd be a fuckin' kickass uncle! Let me take your kiddo to Disney World! If it was Artie, it'd be more like, ya know... ah, shit, another one? Good fuckin' luck to the lil dude.

#ic #Honest Al (no lies event)

Dear Sir

I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to extend a very special invitation to you, one that could change your life forever.

As you may be aware, Nigeria is a country of immense wealth and prosperity, and I am proud to say that I am a prince of this great nation. Recently, I have come into possession of a fortune worth $100,000, and I would like to extend an invitation to you to share in this wealth.

I believe that with your hard work and determination, you have the potential to turn this fortune into something truly great. Whether you want to start a business, invest in property, or simply enjoy a life of luxury, this money is yours for the taking.

So if you are interested in joining me on this incredible journey, please do not hesitate to reply to this letter. I would be honored to have you by my side as we embark on this new chapter together.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best regards,

The Prince of Nigeria

[forwarding to a few people he doesn't like]

Hey man hey can I borrow your dog for a date? I'm trying to impress a lady

I'm usually down for being a wingman but like... how's this gonna play longrun? If she thinks you have a dog. Okay, cool. You just gonna keep borrowing him every time she comes over? Or is this a one-night-stand kinda deal?

#ic

Honesty hour Day

[I want the alliteration but I also want it to last a full day]

Any asks must be answered honestly! No jokes to deflect, no lies, no nothing except the truth.

#maybe it'll go all weekend. idk. kinda depends.#Some questions may be deleted if I don't feel comfortable answering them #as always

One winter (the coldest on record in my state) the gas company refused to turn on our gas so my boyfriend and I had to use a ton of blankets and keep the oven on and cracked open to heat the house anyway we had sex to stay warm one particularly cold snowstorm night and that's how I got knocked up I don't recommend

And if the gas WAS turned on, your baby would've been conceived with carbon monoxide poisoning and become some kinda super-thing. Hero? Villain? I 'unno.

#ic #as someone who was without heat for 4 days in a snowstorm bc of a gasleak... PLEASE respect when they don't turn gas back on lmao #Also was the oven??? NOT gas? You got a gas home but electric oven? idk about that.

[[Hey, so Whoever sent all those asks and started sending more today, could you stop? I don't think it's legit hatemail since you keep calling Alfred by name, like you're talking to him, but there's really not much I can do with this at this point and it's getting... obnoxious. This is a lil warning because I want to give the benefit of the doubt that you just don't know when to end a joke, but. now. Now is when to end it, plz. I appreciate the attention and trying to get a rise out of him, but you came on a bit strong and any further anon harassment is gonna be met with a block, at least for tonight. If you want to get a reaction from him (which is fun! Seeing how characters react to negativity is fun!), one message every now and then is fine? Spam is not. Spamming a dozen nonsense "bad"/"Alfred you're ugly"/"ew gross awful" is just??? What am I supposed to do with that, besides delete and maybe block?

#ooc #just a warning

Haha, nice! Sure! [calling a few buddies at the FBI]

#ic #I think this is for the meme to get a reaction from my muse?? WELL IT WORKED #He's not sad or mad though he is FREAKED OUT #This is stalker shit broooo

I'm the guy who put the OK in Oklahoma

I put the ROD in FLORIDA!

Wait, hol' up- [He realized the problem as soon as he said it. f. l. O. R. i. D. a... He got the o and the i mixed around in his head. The hell? It's not Fliroda. That's just plain silly, uh-]

...I might be dyslexic, and Disney Channel taught me that that's okay! 〰️🌟

#ic #get your mind out of the gutter: it's a fishing joke. You know how many invasive fish species Florida has? He fishes there a lot.#Fish 'em out! Clear out those hoards of plecos and goldfish and piranhas one cast at a time!#CAST THINE ROD OF ECOLOGICAL RECLAIMATION!

coffeecupmemes

Send my character messages that you think will strike a nerve.

Whether the reaction be anger or sadness.

(meme originally made by avengingson, who has since deactivated)

Are you ready to get some of this pertussy? *coughs on you*

[ sprays in the face with Lysol ]

Not today, Satan!

#ic #WAY DOWN YONDER - NOT SO VERY FAR OFF #A BLUE JAY DIED OF THE WHOOPIN' COUGH #HE WHOOPED SO HARD WITH THAT WHOOPIN' COUGH #THAT HE WHOOPED HIS HEAD AND HIS TAIL RIGHT OFF!#sorry I had to camp song that shit.#tbf Alfred strikes me as the type to know. just. so many camp songs/chants. Has he been to camp?#No.#Does that matter? Somehow also no. Jumprope and hand-clap and camp songs are culture. just manifests in his brain #or more likely it's from people-watching

suiheisen

i watch baseball for the side quests

dappergamelord

throwback to 2021 when the exact same player started doing this extended water bottle bincoculars sight gag in the dugout

stuckinnet

this is the same guy who also made himself a fruit cocktail midgame. he is The manic pixie dream girl

warriornunnery

baseball is actually not a sport it’s just a documentary of human nature and how we battle boredom. the stuff these teams get up to while they’re waiting their turn.