Pills Equals Meals

Aiden || He / They || Block, dont report, please || (TW) ED / Vent blog || Pro recovery || Stay Safe

[hamwithcollarbones]

Welcome To My Blog (TW)

Hello to anyone reading this, welcome to my blog :D

The name is Aiden, pronouns he/him

I struggle with diagnosed and undiagnosed mental health issues 

This is a vent blog, so I usually post abt my daily life, random thoughts, things I struggle with, etc. It might be triggering, so, if you don’t wanna see this kind of content, feel free to block me. 

Block, don’t report, This is my safe space, please don’t take it away 

If you ever wanna talk, you can DM me, it would be nice, Im always looking for new moots / friends, maybe it would take me a while to answer, but Ill try to do it (Btw, I suck at talking / having conversations, but Ill do my best, sorry in advance).

I DON’T ENCOURAGE ANY OF THE BEHAVIOURS I TALK ABOUT/SHOW, IM PRO RECOVERY FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT ME 

TRIGGER WARNINGS (TW): This account may mention: 

-ED 

-Self harm 

-Suicide thoughts 

-Etc. 

If you are in recovery or if you don’t have an ED, please, please, please, go away, this is not a safe place for you, its just a blog for myself. Eds are a way of self harm and a mental illness, if you are struggling with and ED or any other kind of mental Illness,I encourage you to recover <3

Stats, Goals & “Prizes”

Height: 1.63 m / 5'4 ft 

LW (Since joining Edblr): 45 kg/ 100 lb 

HW: 60 kg / 132 lb 

CW: 56.4 kg / 124 lb

GW1: 57 kg / 126 lb.

GW2 (Videogame): 55 kg / 121 lb 

GW3(Cosplay): 52 kg / 115 lb  (Didnt get the cosplay bcs I think Im still too fat to wear it)

GW4 (Piercing): 50 kg / 110 lb 

GW5 (Videogame): 48 kg / 106 lb 

GW6 (Book): 47 kg / 104 lb 

GW7 (Cosplay): 45 kg / 100 lb 

GW8 (Piercing): 42 kg / 92 lb 

GW9 (Clothes): 40 kg / 88 lb 

UGW1: 38 kg / 84 lb 

UGW2: 35 kg / 77 lb

[depsidase]

[ceruleanheaven]

how to become good at everything no practice no effort no motivation no passion no talent fast free

[autistobrat]

this too shall pass but the fuck was that for

[hamwithcollarbones]

I forgot how wonderful was getting butterflies in your stomach when looking at someone

My god, I just keep thinking abt the things he said and just feel my face change and smile uncontrollably

Like, Ik what he said, but, baby, even I Im not that naive, "friends" dont treat each other like that, even I, know that; you cant say we are just homies while doing and saying all that, I saw your face, and your reaction, deny it all you want, you liked it, and its just a matter of time until you admit that you did, and that you like me

Just give in already and kiss me, cause I wanna fell your hands pressed up in my skin and look at that pretty face of yours all blushed out, kiss me, lets make out, just one more time, it will be alright

Im falling for u, and I know youre falling for me, but you dont wanna risk it, but, It will be so worth it, so, just hurry cause Im craving you and youre love so bad rn

You make me get butterflies and smile like and idiot, and I know we can be wonderful together, so chop chop pretty boy, Ik youre shy and kinda scared, but believe me when I say, you wont regret calling my name

[nothingspecialjustasoul]

[hamwithcollarbones]

My god, Im gonna see him today and Im excited, nervous, terrified and hopeful

Its a weird mix of emotions

I just hope he doesnt break my heart again (It would be the third time in a row, like giving me hopes and breaking em apart in a span of ~2 weeks)

I admit I should just have some self respect, but Im stupid and Im in love and have no self steem and Im just hopeful

Love me again, chose me, one more time, I beg you

[hamwithcollarbones]

On the good side, getting my heart broken made me have no apetite, I see a huge change and Its just been like 2 weeks, I can feel my bones all the time, It makes me happy, It makes me feel better

Maybe if I was prettier, maybe if I was thinner, matbe if I was better, maybe if I was someone else, maybe, maybe he wouldnt have kissed her

I wanna rip out my face, I just cant stand watching myself in the mirror, I wonder if he still thinks Im pretty

[hamwithcollarbones]

I kinda wish he just tells me that hes sorry, that he made a mistake, that he loves me, I just wanna be with him again, I know he broke my heart into pieces, he made my soul shater and stabbed me in the back, but I just cant bring my self to hate him or even want to be done with him, I just miss him so much, I feel everything for him, Im begging, please, please, please, choose me, just one more time, I can be whoever you want me to be, I can be better, I just need you by my side

Just

Please

Choose me, love me, just one more time, Im begging you

[hamwithcollarbones]

#TW SA

I dont know if it was 🍇, i guess I try to convince myself that It wasnt, bcs he wouldnt do that, right?, but I just think of all the times he wasnt able to respect that "No" is a complete sentence, or that even when I tried to push him away, he wouldnt stop, I would have to say that It hurted 3 or 4 times for him to pause, but not stop, just pause. I wasnt suppoused to say no, because then he would look at me with those sad puppy eyes and tell me he fells bad because I dont wanna do those things, that hes sorry for being so h*rny, that he feels undesired, because I dont wanna touch him, because I dont want him to touch me. He made me feel bad, but a bunch of time it was just me trying to ignore the pain, just waiting for it to end, and hoping it would be fast, looking at my pillow or at the ceilling, trying to fake a smile, and he told me that he wanted me to make sounds, but I didnt enjoyed it, the only sound I was able to make was a painful one. So I faked some a few times, I just wanted it to end, I felt so helpless, and I was afraid of telling him, I feel so, guilty, I think that it was my fault, because, at the beginning, I used to say yes, so I guess he got used to it, Idk, I just think Im overeacting, I dont think he 🍇ed me, because, idk, I just dont think so, but something inside me knows that what he did wasnt right

Still, I think I wanna be with him, I dont know what to do, I was able to stand a bunch of things, but they kissed, and they walked holding hands, and idk if I can get over that, I still love him

[hamwithcollarbones]

Sometimes I hat you for not letting me c#t myself anymore

Or not letting me take p!lls

Or not letting me d!e

Sometimes I hate you

[hamwithcollarbones]

One of the worst parts, its that, Im more prone to binging bcs you just took away my coping mechanisms

So yeah, fuck you (lowkey)

[hamwithcollarbones]

Sometimes I hat you for not letting me c#t myself anymore

Or not letting me take p!lls

Or not letting me d!e

Sometimes I hate you

[elissisundead]

Ana goals🪾

‌LOSE. MY. PERIOD.

‌wrap fingers fully around wrists

‌be called skinny out loud, unprompted

‌ribs that always show

‌colder than everyone

‌feel full after small portions

‌never really feel hungry

‌concave stomach

‌be called cute

‌have someone comment on how light i am

‌visible bones in back

‌look good in any clothes

‌visible hipbones

‌someone feeling my ribs when they hug me

Parents notice

‌get taken care of while blackout

‌someone tries to feed me (this is a nightmare and a goal at the same time)

‌be told i look great

‌be told i lost weight

Get asked 'how?'

‌someone being surprised when they feel/see the body i have under baggy clothes

‌visible bones in shoulders

‌feel comfortable in swimming pools

‌wrap my hands around my thigh

Flat chest

‌Thigh gap

Faint

‌Zero muffin top

‌Get skinny-shamed

Get complimented on my outfit (but it's really the body)

I've posted this before on my previous acc but since it got termed I'm posting this again :3

[hamwithcollarbones]

I guess maybe Im not made to have friends, i dont know how to maintain em, I got a few when I enetered this new school, but now I have no classes with em and no free time, and I uess that, Im just no made to keeo friendships, I dont know how to, Am I someone difficult to be around?

I tend to push people away, I usually do it even without noticing, and, idk, Im going back to my bad old ways and just fucking everything up, I feel so lonely, but, idk, I dont know what to do

[hamwithcollarbones]

Welcome To My Blog (TW)

Hello to anyone reading this, welcome to my blog :D

The name is Aiden, pronouns he/him

I struggle with diagnosed and undiagnosed mental health issues 

This is a vent blog, so I usually post abt my daily life, random thoughts, things I struggle with, etc. It might be triggering, so, if you don’t wanna see this kind of content, feel free to block me. 

Block, don’t report, This is my safe space, please don’t take it away 

If you ever wanna talk, you can DM me, it would be nice, Im always looking for new moots / friends, maybe it would take me a while to answer, but Ill try to do it (Btw, I suck at talking / having conversations, but Ill do my best, sorry in advance).

I DON’T ENCOURAGE ANY OF THE BEHAVIOURS I TALK ABOUT/SHOW, IM PRO RECOVERY FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT ME 

TRIGGER WARNINGS (TW): This account may mention: 

-ED 

-Self harm 

-Suicide thoughts 

-Etc. 

If you are in recovery or if you don’t have an ED, please, please, please, go away, this is not a safe place for you, its just a blog for myself. Eds are a way of self harm and a mental illness, if you are struggling with and ED or any other kind of mental Illness,I encourage you to recover <3

Stats, Goals & “Prizes”

Height: 1.63 m / 5'4 ft 

LW (Since joining Edblr): 45 kg/ 100 lb 

HW: 60 kg / 132 lb 

CW: 56.4 kg / 124 lb

GW1: 57 kg / 126 lb.

GW2 (Videogame): 55 kg / 121 lb 

GW3(Cosplay): 52 kg / 115 lb  (Didnt get the cosplay bcs I think Im still too fat to wear it)

GW4 (Piercing): 50 kg / 110 lb 

GW5 (Videogame): 48 kg / 106 lb 

GW6 (Book): 47 kg / 104 lb 

GW7 (Cosplay): 45 kg / 100 lb 

GW8 (Piercing): 42 kg / 92 lb 

GW9 (Clothes): 40 kg / 88 lb 

UGW1: 38 kg / 84 lb 

UGW2: 35 kg / 77 lb

[hamwithcollarbones]

Im fatter, fucking fat, disgusting, but I cant bring myself to do something about it, I guess I just dont hate myself enough

I wanna rip myself apart

I was doing relatively good, going down, and then mr no fucking self control, stopped doing exercise because he was just too fucking depressed and ate a bunch of shit because it was easier and he was "stressed", and he lost self control, and fucked the times were he is suppoused to eat and fucked everything and got fatter and cant do anything right and its just so disgusting and uuuuuhhhh

I hate myself so much, but not enough apparently

[hamwithcollarbones]

Sometimes I hate you for saying that Im not fat, I hate you for touching my stomach, and I hate that I take your hand away from it, and you put it back there, I hate the feeling of being touched, I hate knowing that you can feel my fat, that you can see it, and that you still say that Im not, I hate that you say you love how I look because I feel like youre liying, I hate that you say you love certain parts of my body, because theyre the ones I hate the most, I hate the feeling of your hands going trough my skin, I hate knowing you can feel me, I hate knowing you can see me, I hate knowing that you probably see me complaining but think of me as a lazy fat fuck who cant function as a normal human being

[hamwithcollarbones]

Im so sick of myself, Im not even good at being sick, Fat, its all that I see, but the voice in my head doesnt goes as crazy as It used to, I used to get this sickening feeling, now, its just, i dont even know, but I hate it, I hate not hating it more, I hate this body of mine, but I just seem to keep eating, stuffing my mouth all the way round, and then complaining, but not hating it as much as I used to, not hating it enough to do something about it, I hate not hating myself enough

I hat being Fat, and I hate not doing something about it, I hate my face, my arms, my legs, Im so fucking tired of this body, of this skin, of this fatness, of me, of this flesh prison that Im trapped in, Im so tired of everything, Im so tired, so sick of being me