hana adiningsih @hanadiningsih - Tumblr Blog

7/6

Hari ini beberapa tahun lalu adalah hari terburuk dalam hidupku.

Aku tahu mungkin kamu berpikir, antara kejadian itu dan hari ini, bukankah sudah bertahun-tahun berlalu? Dan bukankah sudah begitu banyak hal terjadi? Bukankah semuanya sudah menjadi lebih baik?

Aku akan menjawab "Iya, aku tahu. Bahkan tidak ada yang lebih menyadari semuanya daripada aku sendiri."

Namun, sayang sekali, ada beberapa hal yang tidak pernah bisa kuketahui pasti:

Jika saja ada cara untuk tidak perlu merasakan rasa sakit sebesar itu, pasti aku bisa mengusir kesakitan itu sejak dulu.

Jika saja ada cara untuk tidak perlu mendapati kejadian itu berulang di pikiranku seperti film yang mengganggu tidurku, tentu aku juga sudah melakukannya entah sejak kapan.

Tapi ternyata batas antara kejadian traumatik dan masa kini, bagiku, hanya sebuah nama dan hal-hal yang melingkarkan aku dengan sejuta kerumitannya. Aku menemukannya dalam cerita orang asing, dalam sebuah lagu, dalam pekerjaanku, dan dalam berita yang tak pernah aku cari namun tetap menemukan caranya untuk sampai padaku.

Saat tak ada siapa-siapa, seketika aku berada di pusaran itu. Dan tak ada yang bisa menolongku dari gelombang rasa sakit itu. Tak ada yang bisa duduk dengan ketidaknyamanan itu selain diriku sendiri. Seperti melihat diriku sendiri meniti rasa marah, benci, hingga dendam. Seperti menyaksikan semua awan gelap itu menyelimuti rasa sedih yang tak bisa aku gapai - dan konsekuensinya - tidak bisa juga aku pindahkan atau lepaskan menuju suatu tempat yang lebih baik.

Mungkin ini hanyalah risiko dari mempercayai sesuatu. Dan mungkin tidak ada yang bisa mempercepat atau memperlambat pulihku selain diriku sendiri. Tapi yang pasti, tak ada hal yang bisa hadir sebelum aku mengakui rasa sedih itu.

Rasa sedih yang begitu jujur dan manusiawi, namun selalu tertolak oleh keharusan-keharusan yang kuciptakan.

Rasa sedih yang cair, dan selalu berhasil menyelinap di balik hari yang berlalu.

Rasa sedih yang terasa seperti inti bumi, yang bergerak dengan kuasanya, dan tetap menyala tanpa seorangpun melihat. Dan semua ini terjadi selama duniaku tetap berjalan hingga menghabiskan sisa waktunya. "Bukankah semua baik-baik saja?" ujar orang-orang yang hanya melihat permukaannya.

Di sini aku merayakan keberhasilanku melalui hari itu. Dan di sini juga aku mengakui betapa besarnya daya destruktif dari kejadian itu.

Jika tidak ada orang lain yang bisa memahami dan berempati pada bagaimana aku bisa sampai di sini pada akhirnya -entah dengan hati yang pilu atau hati yang bangga-, maka biarkanlah hari ini menjadi hari untuk kurayakan sendiri.

Dengan perjuangan-perjuanganku,

yang menjadi rahasia-rahasiaku.

"I would've done anything to prevent that from happening," I have told myself the same thing over and over again.

It's like having a daily punch to the gut every single time.

But one day I just thought, even if I did everything differently, it wouldn't have helped anything at all.

You had a problem with yourself. I just happened to be the massive collateral damage and your colossal loss.

The blame has never been mine to take.

The truth is I've been angry for seven years.

It's been adding massive fuel to my drive to achieve the things I've dreamed of.

But I can't help but feeling like I'm yearning to move from one big thing to another, from one major checkpoint to the next one...

Until suddenly I realize, I am now living my answered prayer, at least most of it.

And I honestly don't know where to go anymore. All I have is calculated room for growth, and slow paced marathon in my calendar.

It's like having to go through a long, windy, and disruptive journey. And ironically, once I arrived, I have lost my capacity to feel the joy of finally arriving where I'm destined at.

I can't hate myself for who I've become, because all I've been was everything I needed to be to survive.

I can't appreciate myself for what I'm capable of, because it often felt more like an autopilot response than a conscious decision to live.

But I can't even love this part of myself who made it here, because I also grieve for the person I could've been if I weren't so wounded by the things out of my control.

It's been so comfortable to play the blame game, and to be honest I have all the right and audacity in the world to do it.

But, I guess this is where the anger stops.

And they said, anger is an anesthesia for whatever is hiding under the surface:

It's my grief of losing my old self. For losing a version of life that I once assumed with simplicity and naivety. For losing the sense of faith of the world. For losing the perspective I used to hold so dear. For losing the chance to feel normal again. For losing the consideration and admiration I thought I deserve that was abruptly taken away from me.

"You're doing so great now."

The thing is, without going through that trauma, I could have been so much better

I really miss having a perspective and a hopeful soul.

But, instead, I did whatever it took to survive and I'm a survivor now.

It's who I am now, but apparently I am someone who I didn't exactly expect to turn out to be.

And it's the kind of loss that no one else gets to see but me.

Mencari Cara Berhenti

Dulu aku suka mencari

jawaban dari pertanyaan-pertanyaan tentang dunia

dan seluruh isinya.

Aku juga mencari hal-hal kecil untuk dikuasai,

mencari jalan keluar dari ketersesatan demi ketersesatan,

mencari kehancuran yang dapat kususun ulang kembali,

dan mencari segala sesuatu yang bisa kumenangkan.

Dan kini rasanya aku terjebak di antara:

rasa sakit yang begitu tua di hatiku, dan rasa lega atas pulihnya luka-luka itu,

rasa benci yang mengakar di jantungku, dan pemahamanku bahwa segala sesuatu terjadi dengan alasan terbaiknya masing-masing,

rasa dendam yang meresap di tubuhku, dan air mata yang ingin menuntaskannya dengan cara yang baik.

Jadi, aku masih mencari.

Mencari penghargaan yang tak kuketahui namanya,

mencari kendali atas hal-hal yang berada di luar kuasaku,

mencari makna dari hal yang tak sedikitpun aku kenali.

Dan rasanya seperti berlaga di kompetisi yang aturannya berubah setiap detik. Aku tidak tahu lagi caranya menang. Aku bahkan tidak tahu caranya bertahan.

Namun, pada akhirnya aku masih di sini.

Karena, bagiku, menyerah terlalu asing untuk dipilih.

Aku masih mencari-cari kepingan diriku sendiri di tengah tumpukkan piring, gelas, dan sendok, di antara helai baju yang tergantung di dalam sorot mata manusia kecil yang besar dalam dekapku

Mungkin ada saatnya, aku bisa selesai menulis ulang rencana-rencanaku, dan lebih lihai memprediksi yang tak tertebak

Mungkin ada saatnya, aku bisa terlelap tanpa saran dan penghakiman yang tak pernah aku minta; sesuatu yang ternyata tidak semua orang mengerti

Mungkin akan ada saatnya, aku menemukan diriku lagi

Dan mungkin hanya ada di dalam dunia kecil yang harus aku ciptakan sendiri

Hari Raya

Kata mereka, hidup itu seperti gelombang yang naik dan turun Bedanya, bagi yang berkawan dengan trauma Di titik-titik yang rendah, dunia seakan pilih kasih Dan aku menjadi orang yang seringkali luput dipilih itu

Tidak ada yang mengerti untuk apa aku berusaha menjadi pahlawan untuk kemenanganku sendiri karena tak ada piala, gelar, atau pembalasan dendam yang menjadi penawar luka yang besar

Aku juga tidak punya kata-kata yang tepat untuk menggambarkan

Bagaimana aku bahagia dengan hari-hariku saat ini, tapi tidak pernah bisa bersyukur atas nasib buruk yang mengantarkanku padanya Bagaimana aku menjadi segala yang kuinginkan karena pengalaman itu, tapi tidak ada yang lebih kuinginkan dalam hidup selain menghindarinya terjadi sama sekali, jika saja itu mungkin Bagaimana yang kamu sebut pelajaran hidup adalah hal yang paling kukenali sekaligus paling ingin kulupakan Bagaimana orang sering berkata "Kamu kini jadi orang yang kuat berkat kejadian itu" Tanpa tahu berapa banyak mimpi buruk, berapa besar ketenangan yang hilang, dan seberapa meredupnya sinar di dalam diriku, yang perlu menjadi harganya

Tidak ada yang menyangka, tidak juga diriku sendiri, betapa sepinya merayakan hari itu

Hari di mana ingatan masa laluku bekerja lebih keras dari penerimaanku, tapi tidak cukup keras untuk membuatku berhenti berjalan Hari di mana segalanya tidak sempurna, tapi tidak lagi terlalu menyakitkan Hari di mana pemaafan masih belum bisa hadir, bukan karena aku menyembunyikannya, namun karena aku masih mencarinya untuk diriku sendiri Hari di mana pertanyaan di tahun-tahun terburukku lalu masih menjadi pertanyaan di tahun terbaikku saat ini Hari yang baik-baik saja untuk orang-orang yang mengerti

I used to think new mothers chose to stay in their little nest during their first days because they're busy.

But to me, I guess it's more of a need for space to help integrating a whole new identity and how I feel around it.

I am thrilled for the opportunity, yet I'm also scared of not getting it right 24/7. I am grateful for having people who support me, yet I feel lonely for knowing that no one understands exactly how the physical pain and overall experience in the past 9 months changed me and how I see myself. I'm excited to see what's to come, yet I also grieve for some things that are never going back to the way it was.

All that.

Except there were really no words for it.

I understand the multitude of it, but no one will allow it.

Unless I do.

So, here I am in my tiny little nest, hoping what I do is enough for the day.

One tiny little step at a time.

Aku masih berusaha mencari kata-kata paling tepat untuk menggambarkan Bagaimana proses yang sangat alamiah terasa seperti kumpulan keajaiban dan hal-hal yang tidak masuk akal

Menerimamu, bagiku, ternyata sama seperti menerima selapis identitas baru untukku Bukan hanya memeluk peran untuk menjagamu Tapi juga membangun hubungan baru dengan ragaku, beserta serangkaian hal yang ditanggungnya

Di satu sisi, aku menjaga ragaku karena ragaku kini bukan hanya tentang diriku Di sisi lain, aku menjaga ragaku karena tanpa kerja kerasnya, sulit untukku mencapai berbagai hal ke-aku-an yang aku impikan

Aku akhirnya memahami menjaga diri sendiri, membangun batasan, dan mengambil waktu, Sama artinya dengan menjaga orang-orang di sekitar kita dan segala hal yang kita kerjakan

Bangun pagi dan memasak nasi Bersiap dan memandang diri di cermin Hidup terasa penuh, lantang bertanya "Halo, gimana kabarnya hari ini?"

Kadang bangun setengah hati Dialog dan teori berserakan, namun tetap tampil Sedemikian rupa agar tak cuma seadanya "Halo, gimana kabarnya hari ini?"

Entah berapa waktu berlalu, dan selalu "Kan tanggung jawabnya melayani." "Siapa yang mengerjakan kalau bukan kita?" "Mungkin harus ada yang dikorbankan." "Itu kamu sendiri yang harus mengelola."

Tapi tidak pernah ada yang balik bertanya "Halo, gimana kabarnya hari ini?"

Di Meja Restoran

Untuk orang yang tidak dibesarkan dengan kemewahan, bagiku mendatangi restoran selalu terasa seperti bermain peran.

Ingatkah kamu bagaimana kita sering bermain mobil-mobilan, masak-masakan, dan dokter-dokteran di masa kecil? Saat itu kita perlu menciptakan berbagai skenario di kepala. Kadang kita perlu berpura-pura mengetahui hal yang tidak benar-benar kita tahu. Menghadapi kemewahan selalu terasa seperti itu buatku.

Aku perlu membayangkan ruangan restoran dan segala nuansa yang meliputinya, lalu memutar otak untuk memilih pakaian yang tidak mengundang pandangan ganjil dari orang-orang yang juga telah aku bayangkan akan ada di sana. Tidak jarang aku harus membaca menu beberapa hari sebelumnya, dan mencari tahu tentang bahan baku yang tidak pernah aku dengar sama sekali.

Dan sesampainya di restoran, aku harus berusaha memahami percakapan yang terkadang asing tentang hal-hal yang biasa saja bagi orang lain. Tentang lokasi rekreasi yang tidak pernah aku datangi saat kecil karena harga tiketnya terlalu mahal, dan tetap tidak bisa aku datangi saat aku dewasa karena meski aku sudah mampu membayarnya, kini giliran waktunya yang tidak ada. Tentang rekomendasi kuliner terkini yang hanya pernah aku dengar sekilas, tapi tak pernah aku datangi karena dengan nominal yang sama aku bisa membeli beberapa porsi makanan lain. Tentang benda-benda yang mereka bilang murah, namun mencapai tiga kali lipat batas pengeluaranku.

Kadang aku bertanya, kenapa aku bisa duduk bersama orang-orang yang nampak berasal dari kehidupan yang berbeda denganku.

Lalu aku menduga-duga. Mungkin aku dulu giat belajar, bekerja keras, dan tidak pernah berhenti mengejar hal-hal yang membuat hidupku terasa lebih mudah. Mungkin karena orang tuaku mengorbankan banyak hal agar aku bisa mencapai apa yang aku inginkan. Mungkin juga karena aku selalu tahu kehidupan seperti apa yang layak aku dapatkan, yang setelah aku renungkan, ternyata aku sejak dulu perlu banyak berpura-pura untuk bisa sampai di sana.

Berpura-pura aku yakin dengan kemampuanku. Berpura-pura aku mampu menghadapi tantangan. Berpura-pura aku tahu ada kehidupan yang lebih baik di luar sana untukku. Berpura-pura aku merasa layak untuk mencapai privilese dan stabilitas tertentu.

Hanya saja, yang tidak pernah aku kira adalah sesampainya aku di titik tersebut, aku masih merasa tidak seharusnya berada di sana. Aku masih perlu lihai berpura-pura.

Like a misfit. An unmatched piece. A different flock.

I don't know where I belong, but I guess I belong with the pretenders.

Alih-alih memandang hal tersebut sebagai sesuatu yang menyedihkan, aku mulai belajar memandangnya sebagai bagian alamiah dari diri dan pengalamanku bertumbuh.

Kadang aku membayangkan ini sebagai lomba lari jarak panjang. Saat beberapa orang lain berbekal cukup air, di tengah jalan mungkin aku kehabisan air dan perlu berhenti sejenak untuk mencari tambahan perbekalan. Saat beberapa orang lain berlari dengan sepatu yang kuat untuk menerjang terjalnya jalanan, aku perlu memutar arah menuju rute yang lebih panjang, namun tidak akan merusak sepatuku yang tidak seberapa itu.

Sampai akhirnya, entah bagaimana, aku bisa bertemu di suatu titik dengan mereka. Meski tidak berangkat dari titik yang sama, juga tanpa perbekalan dan alat selengkap yang mereka punya.

Dan di meja restoran ini sekarang, aku masih tidak sepenuhnya memahami apa yang dibicarakan orang-orang di sekitarku.

Tapi aku bisa hadir utuh, dan duduk di hadapan mereka. Tanpa pernah mereka tahu bahwa saat restoran itu menjadi bagian dari keseharian mereka, restoran itu menjadi titik pencapaian dan tempat bermain peran bagiku -- entah sampai kapan.

On Grudges and Pride

How does life look like to you now? Did you finally find a way to feel superior and build a rich and fulfilling life? Because I bet lying to me did not lead you there. Did you finally close the door to make you feel better about yourself? Because all it meant to me was I was never a part of your consideration and noble life compass. Did you finally restart your life, at that moment that we both remember quite well? Because it's funny how you consciously decide to violate and hate me --for just being there-- for naturally standing as a reminder of how you failed to conform to a higher moral value that you profoundly preach to gain money and impression.

I guess, we both get what we wanted in life now.

It was unfair.

I wish you knew this one song I have shamelessly memorized at midnight. "I want you to fall apart like I did, you to hurt for all of this. All the things you put me through, I wanna hear you say, 'I don't deserve you.'"

You were the one who smashed and destroyed, yet I was the one left with the bills. You were praised and admired, but I was invisible for the most part. And a lot part of it was not only cruel, but somehow, also inexplicably condescending.

On that one day, I saw your name made it to the news. They knew your pride and all, but I knew mine all too well to let it hurt me. Whatever they know about you are the things I'll never believe. And whatever I know about you, none of them was gonna believe in me anyway.

You build your pride on something so holy yet it barely scratches the surface. Well, something people love to watch. And my pride was built on the silent process of reclaiming what was always mine. Something vulnerable, honest, and private.

I was left with a lot to unlearn, and you're out there with a lot to learn. You're a fast learner, I'm a vigilant unlearner. No one's there to clap for me when I'm healed. But they clap for you when you impress them with your banter.

It was unfair.

But I am happier now, that unlike you, I don't owe you anything at all.

I'm happy that, unlike you, I don't have to wake up in the middle of a night and wonder whether I've been forgiven. I don't have to read upon news on unfaithful man and wonder "Hey, I've done that too years ago, haven't I?" I'm happy that I'm not always happy, yet I manage to do it right. I'm happy I made better choices.

I'm happy that I'm free. In my own way. In my own pace. In my own timing. In my own world that does not revolve around anything other than my sanity.

It just struck me one day. So, I wonder.

How does life look like to you now? Because, in whatever glory you pursue, I know I'll never be you, and you'll never be me.

I'll never be grateful for having to go through it, but I'm proud that I got through it.

I guess, it's fair now, somehow.

And I deserve it.

On being lucky

Sometimes I look at my husband and think. There is something about meeting him, that the word "lucky" does not seem to do the justice.

It wasn't a good time to meet anyone. The closest analogy to it was I was busy rebuilding my recently wrecked house. And he came to visit me when everything was too messy. Yet I knew this one's different.

But when you've been through enough heartbreak, "I knew this one's different" is a terribly unreliable hunch. I thought I have to do things differently.

So, I made a long list of what I want and I what don't want from a relationship.

Criteria 1. I don't want someone who cheats on me.

Then I broke down what factors would increase and decrease the likelihood for it to happen.

Risk factors:

Too charming

Too sociable

Sense of superiority

Tend to boast around

Not open about their social circle

Encouraging cheating behavior in general to other people

Protective factors

A reserved person

Small social circle

Sense of humility

Does not seek validation from other people

Introduce me to all his friends

Reliable, walking the talk

Not encouraging cheating

Criteria 2. I don't want someone who doesn't see me as an equal

Risk factors:

Rigid adherence to old traditional role

Sense of superiority (again)

Grew up in patriarchal family (and agrees to it)

Any history of belittling women

Protective factors:

Open to modern perspective

Willing to do the house chores

Believe that everyone has personal goals and dreams

Grew up with parents who sees each other as equal (or at least, agreeing that it should happen that way)

Encouraging and helping each other to achieve our personal goals

And so on and so forth for the other criteria (definitely a lot).

It was months-long of hidden assessment. When he asked me what kind of partner that I want, I sent him a long list. I asked him to write back to me what he expects from me, what kind of relationship he wants, and how we fit into that ideal. And no, it did not intimidate him.

So, few days later, he managed to send A WHOLE ESSAY to my email. We discussed what he wrote and defined the goals we wanted to achieve as a couple before the relationship even started. We also decided our relationship dealbreaker.

I know that sounds very scholarship selection-esque but somehow I was sure it was how I do things differently. It was either this tiring high cognitive load process, or being so blinded by love and disappointed later (had enough of those, so no thanks).

It doesn't mean that feelings are invalid. I learned that feelings are compass but not the direction. I was in love with him the first time we met because he's the most intelligent, humble, and considerate person I know. But, what I want was not merely to be in love, but also to be in a healthy and happy relationship.

Being in love with who he is directs me to acknowledge what I need. An intelligent, humble, and considerate person would make me feel secure, supported, and respected. So, the goal was not to be head over heels 24/7, but to nurture a relationship that fulfills those needs (both mine & his).

We consider it as a healthy pattern we'd keep in our 3+years relationship. To always know what you personally want, to be clear on what we both expect, and agree on how we'll do things together. It took a highly reflective, assertive, and mature process. Something I could never do without learning from whatever happened in my past.

And it's crazy how after we did all the hard work and difficult conversations first, whatever comes later becomes very simple and easy. So, I no longer see love as 'something that happens to me' or a full 'destiny.' I begin to see love as a project I can work on, not a lottery I never knew how to win.

It was mind-blowing when love does not leave me feeling desperate anymore. Instead, it leads me to have some agency and sense of control on how the story goes.

It was lucky how we met. But, things are only the way they are now because we work for it and made the best out of the dumb luck.

home & hope

The best things in life are often serendipitous, and that's how it started.

I've never met anyone so intelligent with such sense of humility. Someone who looks up to achieve something in life but never looks down on where he came from. Someone so unbothered, who rarely yearns for other's adoration along the way.

In a world where many people talk big to impress, everything you do is exactly as you say you do. Being able to respect the weight of the words with conscience is one of your most attractive traits. Something seemingly trivial, yet rarely found these days. I see you as a wonderfully grounded, serene individual who never cease to captivate my attention.

You are my equal. This conclusion I made was not derived from a place of self-righteousness or grandiosity. Instead, there were particular dark moments, mishaps, and desolation in life that helped me put things into perspective. To guide me to ponder the questions of how love is supposed to work out, and how you and I fit into the picture.

No matter how much I've wished I had met you sooner, I believe whatever we've been through and come to terms with were prerequisite for us to become who we are before we cross path. It is something to love someone, but it's something else to not only be able to love them, but also who you are, and what you have with them.

There is something enigmatic about the grand masterplan of life. How I lost for words to capture the way things that used to fall into pieces starting to fall into place somehow. But, I guess, it's simpler to believe that it's just the right person at the right time.

After all, we accept the love we think we deserve: something so simple, secure, accountable, and ever-growing.

While love itself is a work, it is enchantingly paradoxical how something can feel effortful yet effortless, exhilarating yet tranquil, argumentative yet calm, and encouraging yet appreciative.

Love seems to us like a constant pragmatic act of caring, and a shared decision to choose each other everyday. Something we've built together over the past few years, and what we'll continue working on for a longer time.

And I am happy for it, every little step of the way.

Tentang Keluarga dan Tumbuh Dewasa

Keluarga itu pelajaran pertama untuk semua orang. Pelajaran yang hadir dalam pengalaman yang beraneka ragam.

Ketika bicara tentang keluarga… Ada yang tumbuh dengan amarah dan kebencian. Ada yang tidak merasakan kedekatan. Ada yang tampak sempurna, tapi menyembunyikan banyak hal di baliknya. Dan masih banyak lagi.

Kita hanya 'sebagian' dari kehidupan kedua orang tua kita. Tapi bagi kita, orang tua adalah sosok terlama yang kita kenal. Tempat kita pertama berkenalan dengan konsep rumah, rasa aman, dan kasih sayang. Bagaimanapun keadaan dunia di luar sana, kita senantiasa pulang pada konsep yang paling lama kita kenali.

Jadi, tidak heran kalau diri kita yang sekarang dipengaruhi oleh bagaimana orang tua memperlakukan kita dahulu. Ketika kita menyadari bahwa semua itu bisa jadi berkaitan, dan ada yang salah dengan diri kita yang sekarang, rasanya kita ingin mencari tempat untuk dipersalahkan. Dan, tidak jarang itu adalah mereka.

Mungkin sebagian dari kita hidup dengan orang tua yang sangat tidak bertanggung jawab dan tidak memberikan rasa aman. Mungkin sebagian lagi hidup di keluarga yang tenang dan harmonis, tapi tetap dirasa kurang dalam beberapa hal.

Bicara tentang masa lalu selalu membuat kita mudah menyalahkan, sampai melewatkan fase yang sangat penting sebelumnya: mencoba memahami.

"Kenapa ya mereka nuntut aku berprestasi?" Oh, ternyata di zaman mereka berprestasi itu hal yang menolong mereka, jadi mereka berharap cara itu membantuku juga.

"Kenapa ya mereka nasehatin mulu, padahal ga relevan?" Mungkin niatnya baik & peduli, tapi bagaimana menyesuaikannya dengan kondisimu sekarang ternyata ada di luar kapasitas mereka.

"Kenapa ya mereka kalo marah gak enak omongannya?" Bisa jadi cara yang kurang tepat itu mereka pelajari dari orang tua mereka, dan mereka tidak seperti kita yang punya akses lebih banyak untuk belajar cara-cara yang lebih baik untuk marah.

Seiring kita dewasa, kita akan mulai memandang orang tua kita bukan sebatas 'ayah' atau 'ibu', tapi juga sebagai 'manusia' dengan sejarahnya masing-masing.

They came from different place and different time, with different resources, choices, and mode of living.

Mungkin mereka salah, mungkin juga tidak. Tapi yang terpenting, sudahkah kita mencoba melihat apa yang ada di balik tindakan mereka? Karena mereka juga bagian dari keluarga lain dengan pengalamannya masing-masing sebelum menjadi orang tua kita.

Jika keluargamu tidak sempurna tapi masih terasa 'sehat' untukmu, semoga kamu bisa memeluk ketidaksempurnaan itu dan menjadikannya ruang untuk terus belajar.

Jika bagimu keluarga bukan rumah dengan berbagai alasan tertentu, semoga kamu menemukan rasa aman itu di suatu tempat.

Dan jika itu pun sulit, semoga paling tidak, kamu berani mengambil langkah memahami, mencari, dan menciptakan rasa aman yang kamu rasa baik untuk dirimu sendiri.

#thoughts

On Being in the Middle

It is well-established that certain kind of environment we grew up in molded our ways of thinking, feeling, or doing things. Sure, there are some things that we are born with, but there are the others that we learn as our age progressed. And, this is how I acknowledge of my modes of living, and how I feel about it now.

My dad is the only child from his family who decided to pursue his diploma, while my mom decided to become a stay at home mother despite few goals she previously had in mind. I didn't grow up rich or poor, but I know a thing or two about what is systemic and how our choices are bound within it.

When I was a kid we used to live in a simple housing provided by the company where my dad worked. It was only 20 houses and each family needed to apply to be able to live there for free. I don't know if it was a competition or just a lucky draw, but obviously, not everyone could get in. Somehow, we got lucky, but we're not lucky for long. We were expected to live there on certain time limit. We moved to a village area. I remember the half part of it being built and not painted at all the first time we moved there. It took years to build the other parts of the house until it became a two-story house with more than enough rooms to sleep in.

That's the first time I learned that no one would provide things for you, at least not everything and not forever. You are on your own, finding how you see fit to provide for yourself and your family.

My parents immediately knew I liked reading as a kid, so they bought me a lot of secondhand magazines for its lower prices. I didn't get to the kindergarten I wanted with a huge playground and cute plaid uniform because it was too expensive. Instead, I got into a smaller kindergarten with only one swing that the students usually fought over, while wearing plain green and brown outfit. I remember wanting to explore and learn so much, but the resources weren't available for me to go to kids courses. Let alone eating out and going out, those were never our choices.

What's somewhat crazy is in spite of it all, my dad, being interested in electronics, decided to buy a computer when I was an elementary school student. He bought the set piece by piece to get lower prices. So, technologies were exposed to me when I was really young in a not-yet-complete house in a village. Dad bought me pirated games, movies, and e-books. It's illegal, but it was all we could afford. And everything my parents gave me are the best things they can afford.

I can go on and on to make a point, but with all those experience I think I can draw you a picture.

Do you know how intimidating it is to go to college and sit beside an artist, a daughter of a president director, or a son of a well-known politician?

Do you know how excruciating it was to listen to a friend of mine in college, whose parent's salary is 4 times higher than my dad's, complained because the university declined to reduce her semester fee like they did to mine?

Do you know how puzzled I looked when I heard people complained about not having a maid or a private driver to help them?

Do you know how I had to plan my time really thoughtfully because I always rely on public transportation and spare 20-30 minutes just in case the train or bus are late, or the queue is too long, and all they had to do is hop on their private vehicle 15 minutes prior?

Do you know how annoying it is to ask for product recommendation from your friends, and they always end up suggesting something with 3-5 times higher price than how much I usually afford, thinking 'Am I really that different from them'?

Do you know how I naturally scan the 5 cheapest meal before buying one, even if it's a treat from others, because I know not everyone has the money for it?

Do you know how I suddenly lost track of the conversations when my friends tell me about their vacation with their family because I got almost nothing to tell?

Do you know how bizarre it was to go to Bali on my own for a work purpose where everything is already paid for, yet I still feel like I don't deserve time to go for a vacation even after they provided it for me, while watching people my age go abroad for fun back and forth totally fuss-free on their parent's money?

Do you know how heartbreaking it is to me when I see entitled people act really mean and unrealistically demanding to waiters, drivers, operators, officers, etc., because I feel personally closer to them than to the people they serve?

Do you know how guilty I feel to receive a chocolate gift package that's worth Rp300.000, thinking how it actually could've been spent on a proper rice box for 10 people who might really need lunch that day?

Do you know how I meticulously search for discounts and willingly wait for months to get the best price because buying things at their normal prices is not normal for me?

Do you know how painful it is to record my expenses and save up as much as I can, even if I have more than enough money for the next few years, because it is the only way I know how to survive?

Do you know how I had to go the extra miles academically and constantly compete because it is the only way I can be free? Not even to buy things, but to free myself and my family from the worry of having to pay total of hundred of millions?

Do you know how out of place it can be to sit in a restaurant that I can afford now, with people who came from a somewhat different economic level, talking about things I finally understand, while still coming home to the realization that I actually might never feel like I fit in there with them, even if I do now?

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I can't hate other people for having it easier than me, and I can't even hate me because I know what I went through is still far from the worst.

I am aware that on the bright side, how I grew up made me a resilient, resourceful, and hardworking person because I don't have it easy to begin with. I have to strategically plan everything and cautiously search for multiple alternatives that save time and money.

I don't know the words for actually feeling envious for other people's fortune and, at the same time, terribly guilty for feeling it. (I shouldn't envy people, doesn't everyone has their own battle?)

I don't know the words for constantly having to question where I stand relative to where I came from.

I don't know the words for going the extra miles to achieve things while also having a hard time trying to accept the privileges I had unlocked because of it.

I don't know the words for transitioning to a generally more comfortable life while also being terrified that it's gonna be taken away or slips away someday because life, like how it's always been, is not easy.

It is exasperating seeing how tone-deaf some people in power can be. It is maddening, growing up observing the equality and justice never being met. It is tiring, having to be mindful and not overwhelmed by it.

And it is exhausting, having to process this bit by bit, so this experience can turn me into a more compassionate, instead of a bitter person.

I'm not sure I could, but here I am still trying to.

We fought the same storm in different boats. We run the same marathon with different starting points.

#personal #thoughts

28/02/22

Ibuku pernah bilang, "Perempuan tuh kalau pinter harus pinter banget sekalian. Biar suatu saat nanti ga harus merelakan apa yang ingin dia kerjakan ketika udah berumah tangga."

Waktu itu ibu juga pengen kuliah atau kerja, tapi karena resource-nya terbatas, dan udah ada aku. Ditambah ga ada saudara di sekitar, akhirnya memutuskan jadi ibu rumah tangga.

Jadi ibu rumah tangga bukan masalah kalau itu pilihanmu, tapi seringkali kita di-expect secara sosial untuk menjalani peran itu.

Aku ingat ketika nonton Kim Ji Young. Udah punya anak, mau kerja gak bisa dapet kerjaan yg fleksibel (kecuali jabatan kita tinggi). Mau kerja yang fleksibel gajinya gak seberapa buat nutup biaya daycare, ART, atau transportasi. Akhirnya, secara hitung-hitungan finansial ya sama-sama kerja dalam konteks ini berat banget.

Fakta ini --yang aku juga kesulitan menamainya-- jarang juga laki-laki pahami.

Mungkin karena melihat pengalaman ibu, aku jadi berpikir keras sejak kecil, dan berusaha mengantisipasi segala kemungkinan. Karena "Kalau pinter ya harus pinter sekalian."

Aku masuk 3 besar di sekolah? Gak cukup dong, aku harus juara minimal satu lomba tingkat kota tiap semester.

Aku menang lomba? Gak cukup dong, aku harus lanjut kuliah ke kampus yang bagus.

Udah masuk kampus yg aku mau? IPK cum laude itu bare minimum lah. Harus neliti hal yang aku suka.

Udah neliti hal yang aku suka? Aku harus kerja di bidang itu.

Aku gak bisa lama kerja di bidang itu? Aku kerja hal lain, lalu ikut event dan volunteer di bidang itu.

Apa iya aku mau kerja kantoran? Kalau mau punya fleksibilitas saat punya anak nanti, aku harus ada di jabatan yang tinggi. Di mana itu perlu waktu lama untuk dicapai. Kalau mau kerja yang fleksibel, balik lagi kaya Kim Ji Young, apakah itu menutup biaya urusan rumah tangga? Ngga akan (kecuali dalam waktu sangat lama).

Terus masa di bidang itu mau itu-itu aja perannya? Harus naik level lah, ambil S2.

S2-nya apa? Harus yang ningkatin value aku lah. Kalau jadi psikolog, ga terikat lembaga/kantor juga bisa kerja, ga harus kerja dari pagi sampai sore, ga harus di satu kota tertentu aja, dsb. (mengantisipasi kalau ternyata udah menikah nanti harus pindah kota dan ikut pasangan, hal yang juga jarang jadi tantangannya laki-laki, kerja ya kerja aja).

Rencana ambil S2 aja? Gak cukup lah, harus beasiswa.

Tapi ketika itu semua udah tercapai, rasanya masih sulit aja. S2 itu susah banget, sangat jauh dari S1. Ketika S1, alasanku datang ke kelas ya karena kelasnya seru. Tapi S2, alasanku datang ke kelas karena datang aja belum tentu ngerti, apalagi gak datang.

I thought I fancy doing things on my on, so no one will stop me. But apparently, I don't really fancy feeling lonely.

Bahkan saat sekali waktu ngobrol dengan teman-teman dan mereka juga merasakan hal yang sama, sama bingungnya, sama takutnya, sama cemasnya, sama-sama bertanya-tanya "Apa aku mampu?"

Aku masih merasa, ya pada akhirnya ini semua hal yang harus diselesaikan sendiri-sendiri. Dengan gabungan tuntutan peran menjadi dewasa, menjadi perempuan, dan lanjut kuliah. Yang mungkin akan ditambah peran-peran lain nantinya.

I don't really know how to end this on positive note.

Perhaps, I'll say "I am on my way, and I can go the distance."

12/01/22

Kalau diriku 10 tahun lalu bertemu dengan diriku yang sekarang, mungkin dia kecewa. Ternyata aku tidak malang melintang di berbagai negeri dengan segudang prestasi. Tidak banyak beraksi, apalagi jadi inspirasi.

Tapi kalau dia tahu apa saja yang terjadi di baliknya.

Gagal. Patah hati. Ditinggalkan. Disepelekan. Dibohongi. Diremehkan. Ragu. Takut. Sepi. Benci.

Berkali-kali.

Dan masih bisa jadi diriku sendiri.

Berdiri tegap, berani memilih, dan selalu memulai kembali.

Aku tidak selalu bangga dengan apa yang orang bisa lihat: penampilanku, bicaraku, keberhasilanku.

Tapi, setidaknya ada hal yang tidak pernah berhenti aku syukuri:

aku mampu dengan senang hati menyanyikan lagu-lagu sedih yang dulu aku tangisi, aku mampu menjadi teman yang baik untuk diriku sendiri, dan aku mampu menjalani hal-hal yang orang lain tidak tahu.

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