Sick and Wired @handexpress - Tumblr Blog

jocelyntrent:

“Are you sure that I promised, or were you maybe just hearing what you wanted to hear?”

“I even have witnesses! That creepy looking squirrel that hangs out in town, a sophisticated fly and the government who records us at all times. You’re just making excuses for not fulfilling your promises.”

#jocelyn #lol the more names the better

“You promised me food last time we spoke and yet here you are, without so much as a tictac. I see how it is.”

#purgatory;starter #how to do anything #i'm sel btw

lexajpg:

“Wow, you’ve just made me the happiest girl in the world. So like, a resting bitch face? I swear they’re like ten times worse when the person’s actually attractive, so that could be your problem. Everyone has guns these days, it’s no big deal – This is america. I had a boyfriend who slept with one under his pillow, but he was the type of guy who had a reason to be paranoid. Maybe you wouldn’t have to if they did their job a little better. Yeah? Well that makes sense. That could be where I get lucky working at a bar – If someone’s being a dick I can just spit in their drink or something. You could always start swapping their mints out for laxatives or something – Pass them off as chocolate, but I dunno how the maids would like that. – Try smiling more.”

“Well, I am in the hospitality business. Being of service to other people is my one true joy! Did you just call me attractive? Don’t answer, I’m sure that you did and I don’t need confirmation. Guns... me and guns don’t mix, there’s just too much that can go wrong with them. If I wanted a weapon I’d go with a knife. The higher ups should just buy me a Batman suit and I can work the front desk and keep the place safe. You truly are the lucky one. I admit to purposefully giving room keys that don’t work a few times. But the catch is that all of those things result in me hearing the complaints. Smiling though, I’ll try it. What do you suggest I do if that doesn’t work?”

lexajpg:

“Well I guess we all have different priorities. Wow, maybe he was drunk – Feel free to thank me for that at anytime. Maybe your people skills just aren’t all that great – Or maybe you just need to get a bouncer, or a gun or something.”

“I’ll send you a stale mint and a vaguely dog shaped stack of towels to show my thanks. Okay, I’ll admit to giving people the stare down once in a while but I’m generally nice. A gun?! Slow down there, Sarah Palin, I don’t want to put the guards out a job. I think I get the mean ones because I don’t handle food or drink, so people think they can pull one over on me. 'What’s he gonna do?’ they think as I up-charge them for extra pillows. ...Right, maybe I’m not good with people.”

#lexa

lexajpg:

“Good. Sure – I’d rather hear stories like that than ones about how much people hate their bosses, or how they spent hundreds of dollars on shoes; it’s boring. Normal life is boring. Things are really only fun if they’re really odd or really dangerous. — Is that so? How did it end? Did he succeed? Did you get him back? – Did he pay the five dollars?”

“Shoes are important, okay? He missed by about 10 inches, then seemed to get angry at himself and stormed out. Came back a few hours later and asked if someone could open his room because he was checking out. Hotels just aren’t a good place to strike up interesting conversation with travelers. I’d rather they check in, give me their money and don’t call down with problems. It really sucks when it’s 4 am with only the maintenance guy and I on shift.”

#lexa

lexajpg:

“Oh, c'mon – I just do what the boss pays me to do, besides they’re not that bad. Some of them get a little handsy, sure, but most of them are just… Eccentric. The other night a guy came in and told me a story about how his wife isn’t coping well with their kids growing up and moving out so she’s started hording like wildlife – Like, actual squirrels and just small animals because she’s not ready to stop being maternal or whatever. How amazing is that? It’s so crazy.”

“Fine. I won’t fault you for doing your job, this time. Hoarding squirrels is amazing? I think it’s fair to say we use words differently. While you’re hearing stories about sad moms I’m almost getting black eyes. A guy tried to punch me about a week ago because he lost both his room keys and it cost $5 to get an extra. Let’s switch jobs.”