Angelic @hangelmorr - Tumblr Blog

Covid life 😷

I miss you yuriko

I just want to be surrounded by so much love in my life. And not just relationships. Love for my job, my home, the stars, the sunsets, the place I live where ever in the world that is. I want to experience love in all forms

Dear future husband

I don’t know who you are, you could be pkb or not. but I’m not really okay right now on the inside, I feel sad and tired, my thoughts are filled with uncertainty, confusion and regrets. I’ve realized how the feelings of a person could easily be broken like a glass and how much times you’ve wanted and try to fix it, it would never be the same when it didn’t break. I don’t know what to do with this sadness, but I’m sure I’ll pray about this. There’s also this verse that is in my mind and that is to guard your heart. I am so confused, how can I guard my heart when I want to love someone who is uncertain? how can I guard my heart when I am supposed to love someone difficult? I don’t know. Should I change perspective? should I keep myself busy instead? should I withdraw? should I just let everything go with the flow?

Tonight I am sharing this with you, in hopes that someday that I’ll meet you, you’ll care to listen to everything that’s going on in my mind, and even if the people I have right now in my life would care to listen about all of these, I hope I’d feel comfortable to share this with you. I hope there would be a share understanding and I’d receive genuine comfort.

im sad again 2021

Apparently, I write here when I couldn’t take my emotions anymore. I am deeply sad, extremely sad, I just want to disappear.

I am gonna be okay, i am a strong independent woman. I can get through this, we will get through this.

Throwbackkk 2018?? Should or 2019? i think it’s 2019. Should I cut my hair this short again?

I can’t live without you pkbabe!

I love love youuu so much ❤️

wholeheartedsuggestions

i didn’t choose to have a mental illness.

yes, therapy and hard work can obviously bring about progress and change and recovery. but you have to understand i can’t just shut off my insecurities. i can’t choose to be in a good mood. please understand. please.

i love you, and i’m sorry it’s hard to be here for me. i’m trying my best. be patient with me, try to understand me even if you can’t in the end, hear what i say.

smartspo

in the past, i had to prepare for several exams by self-studying for long hours at home, so over the years i’ve learned the best ways to adapt to this situation, which i now present in this little infographic. i hope it can ease some of the pressure! 💜

studygram

cloudblack

Children who feel they cannot engage their parents emotionally often try to strengthen their connection by playing whatever roles they believe their parents want them to. Although this may win them some fleeting approval, it doesn’t yield genuine emotional closeness. Emotionally disconnected parents don’t suddenly develop a capacity for empathy just because a child does something to please them.

People who lacked emotional engagement in childhood, men and women alike, often can’t believe that someone would want to have a relationship with them just because of who they are. They believe that if they want closeness, they must play a role that always puts the other person first.

— Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents (2015)

hangelmorr

It’s really important for parents to build emotional closeness with their children as this may affect the future of the children, how they think,decide and act in a relationship.

2/13/19

Hello, sorry for being inconsistent. Anyways, during lunch today I cried because of the conversation I had with Asmari. I then realized that there is a certain topic about my past that makes me sensitive and vulnerable, I really didn’t expect that I would cry but I still remember the sharp pang that I’ve felt when Asmari said it was all my fault as to why Thomas and I broke up, it’s sensitive not because I haven’t moved on from thomas yet (I’m so over him), I am hurt because he puts all the blame on me, between what happened to me and Brendan.

I was sexually harassed by Brendan, and the blame was on me, who wouldn’t get hurt by that? It was December last two years, when 221-216 (my circle of friends in Accountancy) and I decided to have a sem-ender at Midway, almost all of us got drunk, I remember hugging everyone and expressing my gratitude to all of them for being part of my life (yes I get this corny when I am drunk), the last person that I hugged was Brendan because he was the last person to reach, when I hugged him and said “thank you for being part of my life” he asked my why and dragged my to the side and then we had a conversation about our past, about his new crush and my relationship with Thomas, I expressed how I felt with thomas, how much I love him and how much I want to take care of him despite how difficult he is to handle (FACT). I can’t stop crying and then Brendan kissed me, I was shock, I didn’t know what to do. I continued on what I was saying but deep inside, I thought about what was just happened and why did he do that. After the conversation we had, I remembered being pulled on the sea and then I remember him touching him and trying to open the buttons of my shorts. I still remember how much I’ve cried in the morning and regret what just happened. I remember asking God for forgiveness and to help me get through this situation, I got scared because of maybes (Maybe something more happened, maybe I can’t remember anything, maybe he took my virginity and that I might end up getting pregnant) I was obviously overthinking, I felt less, I got scared and don’t know what to do.

What made me more sad a while ago is that I remember how innocent and kind Hanna was before and how that girl was being taken advantage by Brendan and Thomas. I hated how Thomas’ handled our relationship, they put all the blame on me when Thomas didn’t even care about how I have felt after that situation happened, he thought I was cheating on him in fact, I didn’t and never thought of cheating on him why would I do that when I was madly in love with him and care for him. I hated Thomas for making me tell everyone about the situation, as if that would solve the problem, I wasn’t obliged to do so but since I was in love with him, I stupidly followed his command. That shouldn’t be disclosed to everyone, I had the right to keep that on myself and sharing that to everyone made me think that it’s already okay to share it to everyone since I am already forced to do it and I’ve already done it. Disclosing it to everyone, made me feel less and I had to see my worth on what everyone values me, and that not how it should be. I really want to keep it on myself or to anyone I am comfortable to share with, but this guy wants to follow his selfish needs to satisfy his self without even thinking about how I really felt, did that make him feel good? did it solve the situation? NO. It made me question, if he really loved me, or did he just use me to boost his ego, satisfy his sexual desires, use me as an emotional outlet. I hate how stressed I got during and after that relationship and

I just really hope and pray that I will never be in that kind of relationship again.

I am really hurt of how Asmari thought of me and how he values me but maybe that’s part of life and not everyone will be on your side. Adios.

life update 2/9/20

Hello there! It’s been so long again since I’ve written in here. I almost forgot that I have an online diary, a place where I can write my thoughts, ideas and feelings or just an outlet of what I want to express.

Today has been a long day, I woke up at 9:30, I had to go to school at 9:00 for MIDV training but I was reluctant to get up and get myself ready because I don’t feel like I belong to this organization. Honestly, I joined debate varsity because I want to improve my public speaking, I want to be able to speak out what I really want to express in public but everyone’s goal in the org is to become champions and sad to admit but throughout my life I have never been a champion, I don’t excel to things I do :( I felt bad for myself because I know how to do a lot of things but I haven’t seen myself improved and become successful in these activities. I have actually thought of quitting on this org but I don’t want to end up regretting and questioning myself “What if I didn’t give up?” “What if I attended those practices?”. Don’t get me wrong, It’s really nice to have this opportunity to be part of this group but I just really don’t if I can still handle the embarrassment that I would feel when I’m around them because I feel so low, I feel like I am the most stupid person in this group and it’s like they are a living reminder of my past mistakes, of how I stupidly spent my time with having fun with my barkada, playing sims all the day, and other else. Gosh! why am I so mean to myself right now! I should actually be proud because in all honesty I can see a huge improvement in me, especially on how I write and speak, compared to before, I can still remember kuya correcting every caption I had on my post on Facebook and I would shyly delete it because it’s too embarrassing to my family and friends.

So after a contemplation in bed, I have finally decided to get up and get myself ready, I ate breakfast with mom, dad, and kuya and then got myself ready. I arrived at school at around 10:30 am and then had my first ever practice for this year and first ever practice in 6 or 7 months?? or even more than that. I always avoid practice before because I had the fear that I would be embarrassed in front of MIDV, I am scared that I will be judged as stupid, judged as someone who can’t speak English for 7 minutes straight, someone whose struggling to express herself, someone who is not matter loaded, someone who lacks wit.

The motion was “THBT it is in the best interest of religions to abandon any claims that they are the “one the religion”. Our debate’s setting is ASPAR and I was the extension (deputy prime minister) for the government side. It was a really bad speech but I would say, at least I didn’t really embarrassed myself a lot, though. It was still embarrassing because ate Ace pointed out that some of us are reading through our scripts and that we should be used to using an outline, and I know that whom she meant was me. after 1 round, we had a meeting and then ate lunch at papa jim’s, ate Ace ‘libre’ us 2 pizzas, yehey! She’s really nice and she opened my eyes about speaking up and staying silent when being sexually harassed doesn’t make you a less person, you are given a choice to choose of which you are more comfortable to do. After that chikahans, we went back to school and had a 2nd round of debate. This time we adjudicated the debate of others, I know that one of my strength is that I know how to identify a problem, how to solve this, I know how to empathize, I know to visualize myself in anyone’s position and that leads me to be able to create arguments, benefits and other else, however, I do have difficulty on expressing these ideas, on how to speak this out especially in advanced English, maybe the reason as to why my impromptu speaking and public speaking weren’t developed was because I always rely on the internet, I just searched and then include that to my assignment and then forget about it, or sometimes I just let it pass through my left ear to right ear, i.e I just forget it immediately as soon as I don’t need to use such term anymore without thinking that I might need this in the future.

Dear self, please improve.

I failed debating today but it's okay, it means I have to practice more.

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