don't need powers to be of use.

independent, private malcolm ducasse. mostly mcu-based, sideblog to and affiliated with hardbittten.

[hangiinthere-blog]

mm, so. i’m -- probably going to start winding this blog down to a hiatus? it’s not for any reason other than the fact that my muse has been flagging hard and i’m focusing my energies on school & on my multimuse, right now. i’m not deleting, as my muse may return some time in the future, but i am going to press pause. i know i have some developments in the works with other people’s characters, and i do apologize for any hurt or disappointment that comes out of me not being here. i’m very much still available on the main blog of this account @hardbittten and on my multimuse @thymocosm, so your best bets will be to find me there. again, i’m deeply sorry to the people this affects.

[hangiinthere-blog]

mateo.

     “ nonono, it’s okay. you don’t have to do that. i’m not sure it’s worth it. ” grateful, he reaches up and lightly places a hand on malcolm’s chest with a jerk of his head in the bathroom’s direction. easy regard fills his eyes. “ plus, you look beat, so… i think i can deal. or i can do it, so it’s here. ”

      malcolm hums, faintly, assured at the hand settling warm on his chest, where his pulse rises to meet it and quieting his objections -- he could handle the five minutes to head out and back again -- where his blink slows, lids heavy. ‘ m’kay. if you’re sure. ’

[hangiinthere-blog]

mateo.

     it stings, just a bit. mateo knows he has no right or reason for it to. shame turns his stomach ( he’s disappointed in himself for it, and it quickly passes ).

     “ yeah. i’m - ” he sucks at his teeth. looks down to study the heavy lines of his crosses. “ trying to learn that. sorry. ”

     he gets it. mateo would like to say he’s surprised, but he’s not. he props an elbow on a knee, forehead pressed to curved knuckles with closed eyes.

     “ - of course i am. i have been. i’m sorry if it seems like i’m pushing. i don’t mean to. i want what’s best for you, and if that means keeping this on your terms or an arm’s length, okay. i don’t want to drive you away. i - ” love you. it’s - easy to almost say, but now isn’t the time. that’d be unfair, to malcolm. his heart twinges. “ you should know that. ”

                  ‘ hey, look at me. ’ having words put in his mouth could make malcolm feel cornered, if he let it. ( i’m sorry, i had to -- save me for once -- ) it leaves a brittle, fevered feeling in his chest he doesn’t care for. ‘ i didn’t say arm’s length, and you’re not driving me away. i just -- ’

     shit.

                 ‘ -- ... i wanna do this right. for ... both of us, and i can’t do that if i’m putting the cart ahead of the horse. i haven’t ... -- been with anyone i actually like since before -- ’ ( before kilgrave. he can’t ... ask, or expect, mateo to understand that. to know what it’s like to have mind-body-cells-blood-thoughts not belong to him and barely recognize himself. ) ‘ -- since before i was using. i just wanna do this right. and i don’t wanna be dishonest with you about where i’m at. ’ a beat, two. ‘ but if -- you need something more ... concrete, than that. i get it. ’

[hangiinthere-blog]

mateo.

     “ uh… ” brows quirk and eyes widen in momentary surprise as his mouth opens, just a tad, before he closes it. he’d - rather not, but desperate times call for desperate measures, right? ( it isn’t as if he hadn’t done that with his siblings before after all, and. well. not brushing is undoubtedly worse ). there are poorer choices to make. “ yeah, i guess. you okay with that, too? ”

     mateo’s hesitance prompts a flush. he should have thought of it. it’s just -- you spend enough time on your own ( with friends, sure, but none near enough to have need of his bathroom sink or shower ), you forget things like that, is all. but he should have thought of it. ‘ -- i mean, corner store’s probably still open, i can run out. ’

[hangiinthere-blog]

kiyote:

     trailed behind malcolm, mateo accepts the offered t-shirt with another smile. “ that’s okay. ” he places it aside to take off his sweater ( arms first, over the head last ), and slips readily into the shirt after. he then folds his sweater, sets it where the shirt had been, and tries not to look to see just how much bigger it is on him ( insecurity and all, but it smells like malcolm and that’s good enough ). “ i kinda expected it. thank you. ”

there’s a sense like mateo isn’t entirely comfortable in the space -- folding the sweater, habit or still feeling like an outsider? -- and malcolm hopes it’s just ... nerves. something that will pass with time and sleep. that’s the hope. better that than not wanting to be here and being too polite to say otherwise.‘ hey, no problem. ’ beat. ‘ -- you okay with sharing a toothbrush? i haven’t, uh -- gotten around to grabbing a spare. ’ ( more accurately, it had felt presumptuous to do so. )

[hangiinthere-blog]

kiyote:

     “ i think we are. ” mateo takes his hand from malcolm’s arm and swipes his palm hard across both his eyes, shifting to the side to sit where he had been. forearms propped on his knees, he looks over at malcolm after a few beats and then away, squinting against the sun. better.

     “ but we also never said anything. i didn’t feel like it’d be right to ask or bring it up, especially if you’re not interested in what i may be. i mean, it’s fine if you aren’t. i get it. i’m just - ” with a shrug and heavy sigh, “ not too great at figuring out what’s implied and what’s not, y’know? you still don’t have to label any of this if you don’t want to, either. that’s okay. ”

‘ hey, ’ quietly earnest, ‘ for future? better to ask than sit around feeling like you can’t. i’m not mad that you didn’t, or whatever, but -- just, y’know. future reference. ’

did he say that already? ( point being, he can be good with people all he wants, but he can't read mateo's mind either, and -- he'd rather they each feel safe enough to ask, you know? )

malcolm’s weight shifts a little, in the absence of mateo’s own -- in the vacated warmth left at the dip of his sternum -- considering how to proceed.

‘ for what it’s worth, though, i am interested. what else to call it, i’m not quite there yet. but i am interested in an us if you are. ’

[hangiinthere-blog]

“ this mean we can get pizza ? ”

malcolm huffs, gently amused on the out-breath. been a while since he’s seen someone get – eager like that over pizza. it’s kinda cute, really, lingering the smile at the corner of his mouth.

‘ sure. why not. ’ digging his phone out of a well-worn back pocket, ‘ you got any particular kind you like? ’

gotham. // accepting.// @kiyote

[hangiinthere-blog]

kiyote:

     mateo could tell him about his naked terror. he could tell him about how cold, dark, and lonely the basement was. he could tell him about how much pain he had been in. he could tell him how he tried and failed to escape twice, and how long he spent crying. he could tell him how he thought he’d never see his family again, that he’d die alone. how he spent the next week asleep once he returned home, how it took him another to leave his room, longer to go outside. how he’d always been skittish before, but became even more so after.

     but now isn’t the time or the place, and it may never be. some things are better left unsaid. malcolm doesn’t need, or deserve, that weight on his shoulders today.

     someday, maybe ( but not now ).

     “ i’m glad you trust me, too, malcolm. it won’t be. ” mateo replies. his thumb brushes again a bit gentler, reverent. he turns his head, cranes it up, presses his lips in a kiss to malcolm’s neck. his throat feels tight and his eyes burn, and he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.

     instead mateo shakily laughs and changes the subject suddenly with, “ …so, we’re an ‘us’ now? ”

malcolm’s breath halts. stills, for a second or two, under the press of mateo’s lips, and the empty-handed, directionless warmth the gesture leaves in his palms. a pause dispelled on his exhale, smile cautious but genuine. he knows a cue of not wanting to talk about it anymore when he sees-hears-feels one, and he won’t push.

‘ -- well, we’re not not an us, right? ’ it’s not as though he’s spending his afternoon lounging in the park with anyone else -- that doesn’t have to be formalized for it to matter, in whatever way it does. ‘ i mean, i’m not saying labels or anything, but i figure some amount of us comes with hanging out in the park and staying over at each other’s apartments. ’

[hangiinthere-blog]

kiyote:

     those reassurances are met with an appreciative look that says ‘okay, i’ll take that.’ - and though malcolm’s next question is received with more preparedness than the first, after mateo nods his yes, he does coyly ask, “ - can i borrow a shirt? i don’t wanna sleep in this sweater. ”

‘ -- oh, yeah, of course, lemme just -- ’ getting up. right. works out on the second try, disentangling himself enough from the snare of fatigue to traipse over to his dresser. malcolm digs out a t-shirt he doesn’t mind sparing, and offers it out, deciding not to think too hard about the fact that he kind of likes the idea of mateo in his clothes. ‘ -- might be a little big on you. ’

[sacchariniity]

*  GOTHAM  SEASON  4  SENTENCE  STARTERS  !

  ——  all  of  the  following  sentence  starters  come  from  season  4  ,  episode  1  ;  the  dark  knight  :  pax  penguina  .  may  contain  spoilers  if  you  have  not  watched  the  episode  so  please  be  mindful  when  reading  and  reblogging  .  feel  free  to  change  any  of  the  pronouns  as  needed  .  enjoy  !

”  you  have  one  chance  ,  walk  away  !  ”  

“  i  was  just  passing  by  —  heard  the  ruckus  .  ”

“  best  wedding  ever  !  ”

“  there  will  always  be  crime  .  ”

“  they  will  return  ..  with  a  vengeance  .  ”

“  smile  gentlemen  ,  it’s  a  new  day  !  ”

“  it’s  messy  .  it’s  dangerous  .  ”

“  and  now  it  haunts  him  .  ”

“  i’m  an  outlaw  !  outlaws  have  a  code  !  ”

“  don’t  say  i  didn’t  warn  you  !  ”

“  this  mean  we  can  get  pizza  ?  ”

“  steal  my  pepperoni  again  and  i’ll  break  your  fingers  .  ”

“  goes  without  saying  this  is  one  of  those  or  else  kinda  deals  .  ”

“  you  should  come  by  the  house  for  dinner  .  ”

“  i  came  to  tell  you  you’re  a  fraud  .  ”

“  it’s  so  hard  to  admit  when  you’ve  become  irrelevant  .  ”

“  always  good  to  see  you  ,  old  friend  .  ”

“  we  all  have  our  fears  to  face  .  ”

“  lifes  been  good  …  why  you  gotta  rock  the  boat  ?  ”

“  next  time  you  can  get  punched  in  the  face  .  ”

“  you  don’t  know  anything  about  me  .  ”

“  why  can’t  you  go  to  the  cinema  like  normal  teenagers  ?  ”

“  i  do  the  dirty  work  no  one  else  will  !  ”

“  you’re  young  ,  you  have  a  good  heart  .  ”

[rarerpmemes]

* smallville / starter sentences.

feel free to change the pronouns to make these fit!

❛  life is about change, sometimes it’s painful, sometimes it’s beautiful, but most of the time it’s both.  ❜

❛  you’re so focused on what’s ahead that you’re starting to cut out the parts of your past that made you who you are.  ❜

❛  if you look at history, the great men and women of the world have always been defined by their enemies.  ❜

❛  just because i’m moving ahead with my life doesn’t mean i’m letting go of everything that came before.  ❜

❛  it’s easier than it looks. you just point and shoot, really.  ❜

❛  the suit doesn’t make the hero. a hero is made in the moment, by the choices that he makes and the reasons that he makes them. a hero brings out the best in people.  ❜

❛  i guess that’s the price of having a heart, it can get broken.  ❜

❛  a heart beats only so many times in a life.  ❜

❛  pain is part of anyone’s journey… you can’t escape it.  ❜

❛  what’s the point of protecting life if you’ve lost your sense on how to live it?  ❜

❛  don’t tell me that the world isn’t nicer to prettier people.  ❜

❛  call me crazy, but i’ve always been a firm believer that beauty- it’s on the inside.  ❜

❛  that’s the problem with high school: it’s all a façade. everyone’s hiding who they really are and trying to be something they’re not.  ❜

❛  information is also power.  ❜

❛  we all make sacrifices… and every time we do, we lose a little something in the process.  ❜

❛  trust your instincts. when the chips are down, they’re all you have.  ❜

❛  the word “fate” is used by people who have lost sight of who they are.  ❜

❛  you made a deal with the devil. he always comes to collect.  ❜

❛  funny thing about obsession is: it outlives everything, even love.  ❜

❛  the enemy of your enemy is your friend.  ❜

❛  you don’t need to be defined by your past. you can choose a different future.  ❜

❛  failure is something we all have to live with, but it’s how you overcome it that defines you.  ❜

❛  that, my friend, is the key to leadership: not only knowing you’re right, but convincing everyone else.  ❜

❛  your ability to trust others and always see the good in people is what makes you so special, but it’s also what keeps getting you in trouble.  ❜

❛  passion will be your greatest strength. so, too, will it be your greatest obstacle.  ❜

❛  three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon and the truth.  ❜

❛  sometimes even heroes need to be saved.  ❜

❛  my hunger’s never satisfied. knowledge is what fuels me.  ❜

❛  we can’t make excuses for the dark stains on our heart.  ❜

❛  loving someone is hard. it’s difficult. but hate, hate is so… clean.  ❜

❛  in every relationship, one person stands while the other one kneels.  ❜

❛  pain is a part of life… but you cannot let it blind you.  ❜

❛  life asks of you what it thinks you can handle.  ❜

❛  some risks are worth taking.  ❜

❛  the lessons we learn from pain are the ones that make us the strongest.  ❜

❛  you shouldn’t wound what you can’t kill.  ❜

[hangiinthere-blog]

mateo.

     he almost pulls away. feels the impulse urge. doesn’t, though; he knows there’s no need for it in malcolm’s gentle guidance (he does that a lot, it seems - finds both the best and worst times to bring mateo’s attention into undivided focus). knows it’s from a good place in his heart, too. knows it’s just to make a point. 

     (mateo’s thankful for it. it shows in the slight damp gleam of his eyes).

     it’s not your fault, malcolm says. guilt settles on his tongue like an old friend and mateo swallows against it. ididn’tdeserveit, ididn’tdeserveit. he twists more at malcolm’s shirt, nods, eyes locked.

     - then malcolm breaks their gaze, takes his arm from mateo’s figure, and pushes up his sleeve. mateo stares for only a moment in silence, and he reaches up with the hand that’d worried at malcolm’s shirt’s hem; the pads of his fingers brush over those dark pin point marks. he’d caught them before. didn’t say anything, figured they were from a time passed. mateo spreads his palm out, and presses it to malcolm’s forearm. he drops his head against him once more. he’s thankful for that, too. the raw honesty of it without spoken word.

     his thumb brushes over the crook of malcolm’s elbow. hopes he doesn’t mind, eyelids half closed.

     “ it was cruel. ” he whispers hoarsely. “ it was because of what i am. i didn’t do anything. i just wanted to have good time. ” - then, with concern, “ - but… are you okay? ”

       malcolm’s breath halts, when mateo’s palm settles. the skin underneath seems to prickle, for a second or three, until the moment passes. okay. he’s fine. he’s good.

                    ‘ -- ... i used to do heroin. ’

        and there it is. sitting, between them, quiet and ugly and thorny all over. ( it was always quiet, down there. that’s the only part he misses, now, is the quiet. the rest -- the person he became -- he never wants to touch again. )

       malcolm’s exhale sinks heavy, lower lip rolled between his teeth for a second, two, before pressing on.

                    ‘ i don’t say that to make this about me, it’s not. what i mean is -- we’ve both got stuff we’re dealing with that ... maybe we’re ashamed of. shit that’s happened that ... hurts, or ... and i want you to know i’m not the guy who’s gonna fault you for shit other people did to you. shit you didn’t choose and didn’t ask for. ’ beat. ‘ but i’m -- glad you trust me, with this. i’m ... ’ inhale, exhale. ‘ i did things ... while i was using, that i’m not proud of. lied, stole, hurt people i care about ... i don’t want this, us, to be like that. ’ beat. ‘ so i’m glad you trust me. ’

[hangiinthere-blog]

mateo.

     it’s late, anyways; mateo shakes his head, nips at his bottom lip. “ i don’t. ” he’s not - surprised, per se, but he hadn’t fully expected it, either. he glances in the kitchen’s direction with mental note of all that still needs done; gaze slides back to malcolm after. “ you can head to bed if you want then, y’know. ”

                     ‘ mm -- ’ it’s a hesitant sound, this time, malcolm’s gaze following mateo’s to the dishes and back again. ‘ -- i’ll get to those in the morning, it’s my day off, don’t worry about it. ’ beat. ‘ ... you wanna come with me? i mean -- to sleep. ’

[hangiinthere-blog]

mateo.

     there’s a lot that can be said of their companionable hush: the ease. how natural it feels. the silent delight of saying something and nothing at once, or the simple pleasure that comes with sharing a meal that hadn’t been expected.

     (and if mateo still feels the humming residuals of that flush, the flicker of the warmth of pride in his chest, who’s to say that’s a bad thing?)

     though the space between them is small, when malcolm shifts mateo does the same just so, content to hold malcolm’s gaze for the gingerly moment it takes for him to extend his offer. - then, with a hard blink, “ okay. you sure? ”

                     ‘ mm. ’ that hum’s meant to be a yeah, i am. meant to be several more articulate things. malcolm’s blink is a little slow and a little stiff, like it might creak if it came with a sound. -- yeah. he’s sure. ‘ i mean, i’m crashing, and i’d -- like the company. but if you’ve got places to be i’m not gonna make you. ’

[hangiinthere-blog]

mateo.

     i want to he almost replies, but that isn’t entirely true. the familiar hot bite of an emotion mateo could never place and doesn’t understand swells as a shaky inhale rattles in his chest. (he has to, for transparency. not everything should stay buried. for malcolm’s sake if nothing else, whatever that may be, or for when the late night break of a nightmare comes crashing unexpected. he wouldn’t want him to deal with that, would be embarrassed, but inevitability lurks).

     gratefully he moves back against malcolm’s arm, welcoming its comfort. its anchoring. the relative safety it offers. mateo counts off the seconds to the beat of malcolm’s heart, feeling clumsy and inexpert.

     “ two years ago, i think. ” more hesitation, fishing for words. “ um. it was my fault. i was at an event with two of my brothers and i guess i just… got away from everyone else. i was drunk and i wasn’t paying attention, and - ” a hunter teeters on the tip of his tongue (hadn’t told malcolm about them yet. might not. definitely should. he wonders if that’d be too strange, if that’s where he’d draw the line or if he’d believe him). “ and someone had been watching all night but i hadn’t noticed them. they got ahold of me. it was dark after that for a while. ”

                     ‘ hey, ’ gently firm. malcolm’s free hand moves to tip mateo’s chin up, just for a few moments, just long enough to hold his eyes, impress the gravity. ‘ it’s not your fault. ’

      ( look at me. who am i gonna help like this? you have a choice now. i took pictures of you. because he made you. sometimes i did it just for the drugs. think about it. i met him once a day. 10 am. his controls don’t last that long. you know they don’t. that’s why he got you hooked. so you would show up. i’m telling you that i had a choice! 

      -- mateo isn’t him. it’s not his fault. )

      consideration stills malcolm’s tongue for one, two, three beats, ahead of the decision to loosen his arm from around mateo’s frame. to push up his sleeve to mateo’s line of sight. track marks, still, there and there and there. call it a quid pro quo. a story for a story. a fraught, private divulgence in exchange for one of his own, to lessen the sting. lessen the fear.

      -- if addict-in-recovery’s where mateo draws the line, too, decides to back off, well, malcolm isn’t too sure he’d blame him, either.

                    ‘ trust me. it’s not your fault. ’

[hangiinthere-blog]

mateo.

     “ i’m still good. ” bowl filled with rice and assorted fished-out vegetables doused with broth (small chunk of bread included on his plate, not to become too soggy), mateo inches past him again. glancing over his shoulder, “ i’ll just get something later if that changes. ”

                     ‘ mm, alright. ’

      settling, the meal passes in quiet -- not silence, not awkward, broken up by periodic conversation and then settling comfortably again. it feels nice. good, even. that they can hang out and not feel like they have to force anything. ( still, mateo’s flush when malcolm makes a point of complimenting him on the food is well beyond cute. )

      -- by the time they gravitate, naturally, too, back to the couch, it’s not too long before malcolm’s weight shifts, onto his side, to let him find and hold mateo’s eyes, quietly, and maybe a little cautiously, querying.

                    ‘ -- ... do you wanna stay over? ’

[hangiinthere-blog]

mateo.

     “ i - i didn’t do this to myself, if that’s what you mean. ” with all of his long sleeves and accessories and self-conscious posturing, it can be easy to miss them if you don’t pay attention. easy to ignore. perhaps it’s best like that sometimes, anyways. it’s hard to explain away their origins without fumbling over normalizing it and defaulting to ‘i don’t want to talk about it.’ “ jessica thought i did, too. ”

     he reaches out and catches the bottom hem of malcolm’s shirt between his index finger and thumb, twisting it and running over it the pads of both (a nervous tic, an unconscious habit. there’s no jacket sleeves or zippers for him to pull; with that soft fabric, he makes do).

     after a moment of thought, a tad hesitant, “ someone else did. ”

       it shouldn’t surprise malcolm, that it came up with jessica. she’s always been sharp -- observant -- for as long as he’s known her. ( but the asking, instead of filing it away for some future eventuality that might or might not come -- that’s more recent a development. )

      it shouldn’t surprise him, but it does, just a little, though not for any particular reason malcolm can put his finger on.

                    ‘ -- you don’t have to talk about it. ’ vital, almost, that he signal that right out the posts, but malcolm’s voice is gentle, not dismissive, leaving him the option as he lets an arm slip, grounding, securing, around mateo’s shoulders. ( it clicks something into place, though. a sort of -- skittishness, maybe, that he hadn’t fully understood. in that light, talking to jessica makes a whole lot more sense, and it prompts him to wonder, silently, to himself, if mateo’s angry, too. -- he would be. is, maybe. knows jessica is. ) ‘ ... was it -- recent, or? ’