- Even a few weeks before leaving Australia, I wasnāt exactly in my best mature spiritual state. I was busy about things - thinking about leaving, thinking about not being busy, thinking about my travels, actually travelling, saving money, and other things to do. But i was definitely surviving, with the kind of culture of friendship and meeting up in Sydney, I was definitely encouraged many times. I had left Australia with less hope than I had a few months prior, but still with hope, with ideas, and plans (albeit shaky).
- Coming back wasnāt ideal for me. I just felt very much like a stranger to the community. Everything was so uncomfortable. I didnāt have maintained close friendships. In my sector, it felt like I didnāt have friendships at all, and nobody really wants to talk to me. I had plans but I donāt know how. For some reason, I was scared of everything, of everyone, as if I was a traitor who came back, or an unwelcome stranger, or just someone who is out of the group everybody knows but wants no involvement in. (Sometimes, I donāt even feel like there is anĀ āactualā group to belong to anyway.) Of course, thatās not 100% the case, but that was how my brain was processing it. I didnāt like people. I was scared of everything, but I needed to push through.Ā
- I tried to involve myself in small things, like worship singing, like trying to ask for spend times, like telling others things I want to do. It helped a little. But I still feel like a stranger, even to myself.
- A big probable cause is how I am a young immature person to my family, which is simply how I am to them, as part of endearment. But it catches me off guard sometimes, itās hard to shift characters.
- To add to all this, failed plans and 2020 happenings (Taal Eruption, Australia Bushfires, etc.). In short, depression has been growing inside me even before this pandemic.
Even though clearly, whether in Australia or in Philippines, my depression/anxiety has *supposedly* subsided, itās being proven otherwise recently.
The pandemic (and other issues that come with it) makes me crazy and thatās another topic where my feelings could be explained.
THE QUARANTINE LIFE AND THE PANDEMIC
I have issues about the government and how this is being handled. I am not even complaining much about the incompetence, but I cannot stand the political agenda and propaganda happening in the midst of the pandemic.Ā
The challenging of press freedom (by way of ABS-CBNās closure - which people say is just following the law - but oh dear, if you really look into it, the people behind are just looking for loopholes to take them down, so obvious, the same way they dealt with Rappler). The same way Marcos did the Martial Law.
The challenging of government officials who performing well but are not administration allies. And the double standard they have when approving or disapproving rules per LGU.
The extensive use of military as a priority rather than putting the money into healthcare development. Illegal arrests for āquarantine violatorsā. Illegal arrests for critics. Killing of a journalist, an activist, and someone with a mental health problem. All this while turning a blind eye on quarantine violations by the police and public officials.
Fake news and trolls still prevalent.
TheĀ ātuta ng Tsinaā propaganda. The plundering of our shores and destruction of our resources, while we as a country, are facing a larger issue.
Not very government-related (although possibly in the future), but a con-artist pretending to be a generous person and posting it online to gather a large following
I am not even talking about not having Mass Testing, which they confirmed to be passed on to the private sector, while the private sector has been the one donating PPEs and goods to the poor.
Iām not even talking about the increased power of the administration, the billions of pesos made accessible to them by the powers, and the ever increasing (by leaps and bounds) debt of the country to external lenders. Aside from this, thereās heaps of donations from other countries to Philippines. All these and yet what are the results?
I have issues with toxic positivity. I have issues when people want me to shut up, keep silent, and ignore the facts - hiding under ādonāt complain and think only of positive thingsā. A lot of them mean well, but some are blind fanatics masquerading asĀ āgood citizen by not complaining.ā A lot of them mean well, but I think most of them donāt understand how big things are, how deep a problem we are already in, how much propaganda has been laid out. Most of them probably do not realize that there are benefits to calling out wrong systems and to exposing truths to the people. (In my mind, nasa Diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa.) I admittedly have been schooled about hatred and anger management. I admitedly have been shifting my posts and captions to a less āemotionalā position, to less descriptive words, to less direct mentions, to simply being more informative. I have been conscious of my posts, because, true enough, societyās posts (including mine) have been hateful. However, being silenced (in the lack of proper information being shared to people about the anomalies) is disheartening. And many times, I have been stressed over it.Ā
I have issues with heaps of deaths happening all over the world. I have issues with the lack of free basic healthcare access for most people. I have issues with the gap between the rich and the poor. All this sad news happening - not just to one place - but to everybody. Who can help who? Everybody is down. Our resources are limited.
I have issues with me staying here and being comfortable while other people are suffering. I want to help other people, and yet when it comes to actually trying to do something, all I can do is give out money while I binge-watch on Youtube or develop my own skills. I have issues with how I spend my time - obviously, this is something I can control, and even though there has been improvement, I continue hating myself for things. I continue hating myself for not being able to help people the way I expect myself to.
Itās a whirlwind of emotions and modes on a day-to-day basis. Being hopeful, being sad, being guilty, being crazy, being numb, and being tired.
