They Call Me Snags

Oregonian. I like people and cigars. I'm going to live my dream and fly.

[hannahlied]

Back on since no one is here

I had a nightmare last night. A person stuck their fingers inside me and hushed me quiet. I could not move. I could not protest. When they finally were done I walked through a room full of various family members and friends, all the church-going christian ones (which makes up pretty much all of them). It was like they smelled my shame and they were disgusted. They knew exactly what happened and they judged me for it. 

Those kinds of dreams really mess me up. Some days I think I am over the shame of the things that have happened to me but I still find myself afraid of the ones I love ever finding out and judging me for it. Blaming me. I have worked so hard not to blame myself, but the way I am, it is more like a validation of what I already believed about myself rather than an uneducated, um-empathetic, shortsighted accusation. 

I cannot shake the belief that I am a bad person. I am always waiting to mess up or do something wrong so I can resort to self annihilation of sorts. It’s a terrible mess of a thought process. But I have been doing it since I could remember. So, I always wonder; Did religion cause the path of self-destruction, or did religion validate my need for a path of self-destruction?

[hannahlied]

Just learned lonely by Akon on the ukulele

It’s the best and worst thing I’ve done.

[awwww-cute]

Black Panther (Source: https://ift.tt/2r7Tivs)

[certasluas]

[awwww-cute]

This Japanese fox sanctuary was a true hidden gem (Source: https://ift.tt/2HtYViE)

[deactivated-blog]

[hicockalorum-deactivated2018031]

a passion for mushroom hunting is a beautiful thing

[hannahlied]

I gave into a stereotype today. At least verbally. The lady commented on my shoes and I told her how excited I was about them. She said “as women you can never have too many shoes”. I nodded. I didn’t have the heart to tell her how little I buy shoes. I waited until my only nice boots (bought in high school..) were falling apart and I waited for my paycheck and got them for $25. I just want my counselor to like me. 🙄 😂

[hannahlied]

When it goes quiet, I don’t feel good. I wanna say I’m numb but numbness has never felt so painful.

[hannahlied]

Unexpectadly went way too hard last night... Mom and I had a good bonding moment this morning as my severely hungover self tried to pull it together. She was a tiny bit worried but we talked about her crazy times. I like that my mom is becoming more transparent with me and in general. The ice is starting to crack. I’m terrified of falling through. But I’m so sick of being on the other side.

[hannahlied]

I realized that working night shift has made me dependent on poor lighting. What little skills I had in makeup have declined greatly.

[hannahlied]

Charles gave me a T-shirt with a Death Star on it because he never really wears it and if that isn’t true love I don’t know what is

[thepuppyclub]

any advice for someone who isn't really that interesting?

you weren’t put on this earth to entertain people. live your life as a boring bitch to the fullest.

[awwww-cute]

If I fits I sits (Source: http://ift.tt/2CVRJFr)

[hannahlied]

Hear me.

I don’t need you.

Look at me.

I’ve made it this far

Turn around, see me.

Where were you when I needed you the most?

I remember when you lost your job

Not fired, “willingly” retired.

You were so happy

I’d never had such a pleasant conversation

I didn’t ask for more, I was content

‘cause even the dogs eat the crumbs 

That fall from the masters table.

On my knees, searching for scraps

While you served a strange woman

as your wife groveled on the floor with me.

35 years. A true image, Godly marriage.

What is your secret?

The secret lies behind the smile

Where did you get that smile

Did the strange woman give it to you?

Or maybe it’s the beautiful wrapping

over a box of rotting garbage

How many years has it been that way?

It stinks like hot shit.

I want to hate you,

With every part of me.

I want to let the door close.

But here I am.

Waiting for the crumbs

To fall from your mistress’ plate.

[hannahlied]

It hurts so bad. I keep trying to think practically but suddenly I burst into a mess of tears breaking all structure and sense. Lord have mercy on me.

[chickpeabb-deactivated20180117]

I want a life filled with flowers. Flowers everywhere. Flowers growing inside me.

[hannahlied]

The freaking cat slept on my bed and now I can't breathe well and my eyes are crying. So many crazy awesome things today and here I am, cranky about an allergy. I think I really do hate cats.