Hannah @hannahof9 - Tumblr Blog

City. Black brush marker

Never ever enough

Art journal page. Water color background. White gelly roll pen

Large and re textured

Art journal page and tulips!

Dreams lost

Three kids in three years. One in heaven. Motherhood is not easy. In fact it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And it’s never done.

Hormones are crazy especially since the youngest is five-months old.

I once had dreams about what my life would be. I could imagine all day long. I could actually do something about those dreams. And I did, that’s how I met Luke.

Now I only long to slip into dream sleep. My deepest hopes and desires are to make it through the day. My dreams don’t go much deeper then that because they can’t.

Luke is a dreamer. He still talks about future dreams in present tense. It stirs up even more anxiety in my already anxious mind and heart.

I want to dream again. And I want those dreams to become reality.

I am tired of my life revolving around “just surviving” in every season thats all that it’s been.

“TRUST IN THE LORD and do good. [action] then you will live safely in the land and prosper. [promise] TAKE DELIGHT IN THE LORD, [action] and He will give you your hearts desires.” [promise] Psalm 37:3-4

I'm trying to find ways to enjoy my life and who I am. Often times this matters. Makeup done, hair done. A little more dressed up then yoga pants.

#lordrestoremysoul

One of my favorite drawings of the year so far.

#hannahdraws2017

Collage with paper scraps. Envelopes, Kleenex box, thank you cards, painted watercolor paper, scrapbook paper.

#cbugbootcamp

Onion skin pages

For a while I had been using my kindle and iPhone as the main source of reading the bible. The app I have offers many versions which allows me to read many interpretations on one verse if thats what I need. In fact I used the electronic version of the bible so much that my hard copy sat on the shelf for months collecting dust.

One day I had a change of mind and I picked up my bible and thumbed through the pages. It felt good to feel the onion skin paper and hear the crinkle sounds it makes. It made me feel more engaged in my reading experience and having the ability to underline and make notes in the margins was exciting! E-books are great, but the real thing can't be beat.

Isaiah 61:10 "I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God! For he has dressed me with clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness."

Fear, looking back, moving forward

It's been a very long time (again) since I've used my tumblr account. I just can't commit to being consistent. But today I had a rush of "Ah-ha's" and I felt the urge to write it all down here.

Looking back on my career as a designer, I realize how much fear I held onto that kept me from moving forward. I always wanted to create "pretty" things, and to be so much more creative then I was in the moment. I wanted to move beyond what I designed for my 8-5 into designing for other parts of my life. I was so inspired by other designers who had influence in the design community, especially if they were female and my age (or younger). But I was stuck, I told myself that I wasn't good enough and I certainly didn't know how to be. Perfectionism was the stick I used to slap my hand for the sake of motivation. "If it's not perfect then don't even try." I had ideas, but I didn't know how to execute them. I lacked skills to do some things I wanted but I never pursued further education to gain those skills, my practical side always told me it wasn't worth it. So I burned out. I struggled for a few years with my identity as a graphic designer. But then I gave up, it felt good to let that go but a part of my heart misses it and wonders if I gave it up out of fear.

Now I am a stay-at-home-mom, which is something I love love love, and always wanted to be, but the question comes to mind often, what will I do when the kids are grown and it's just me at home, what am I then? I still have an eye for design, I still have a heart that desires beauty and creativity, but I still feel stuck, and I still need help to execute some of my ideas. I have this battle going on in my mind that says "just give it up, there are other things (missions, family, the nations) to focus on. The other side of this battle says, "You are throwing the towel in before it's time, you need something to propel you forward in this, just ask for it"

So here I am, my daughter is taking her afternoon nap, I'm sitting in a living room full of packed boxes, just counting down the days until we move to the Mid-west and I am still asking myself the same questions I was asking 3 years ago, before I was married, before I was a mom and during the time that I fully identified as a designer. Am I enough? How can I be more? What should my focus really be in life? Where is the balance between this and the nations? Why do I feel so stuck?

Maybe I will be back to write down more thoughts, sooner then the last gap between posts.

Prompt #7 People Passing

We all see people we don't know. Pick one. Describe them. What's their story?

In apt 2XX lives an indian man. I see him almost everyday, many times it will be twice a day. No matter what day it is he is usually wearing black slacks, a collard shirt and a sweater vest and usually he has a back pack slung over one shoulder. Well dressed if you ask me. I've seen him walking along Terrace, I've seen him walking around the University campus, I've seen him doing laundry and carrying grocery's. Every time I see him, he is wearing a similar outfit.

For the sake of specifics lets call this man Ash. Ash lives alone, he may be lonely, he dresses like a professor and it is quite possible that he is. Ash cooks his own food, it's the same thing just about everyday, rice, why not? It's easy, versatile and filling. Sometimes rice with beans, or curry vegetables.

One day I was hurrying down the stairs and one of the neighbors kids had left a toy sitting in the middle of the step. I nearly flew over the railing catching myself before tumbling down the stairs. Fortunately I simply landed on my rear and was not injured. As I looked over I saw Ash. There he was in all his familiarity just simply passing by.

Could he be my guardian angel? I dismissed the thought with quick skepticism and moved on. A few months later I was going to my mailbox late at night. I had just come home from happy hour with my coworkers, it has been the end of a long week and it was a much needed celebration. As I was walking towards the poorly lit mailbox cove I saw a figure aggressively move towards me. He was a stocky man with huge shoulders, he grabbed my purse, shoved me to the wall and ran.

All I could do was stand there in shock, what had just happened? Just then I heard the man yell in pain, I looked over and saw him falling to the ground in a posture of fear, he dropped my purse then ran off.

As I stepped out of the dark mailbox cove I saw Ash, dressed the same, carrying his bag simply walking by.

The next day I wanted to introduce myself to this mysterious man who was always there at the right time. As I approached his apartment I saw the curtains where open, I peeked in and it was completely vacant. I asked his neighbor who was outside watching her daughter where the man who lived in Apt 2XX was. She told me no one has lived there for the last 10 months.

I realized that Ash had been looking over me all along. He was my guardian angel carrying a bag full of truth and power. I thanked God for what He does to protect me and will never forget His mysterious ways.

Prompt #6 Eyes Wide Shut

Choose an object in the room. How would you describe it to a blind person?

The Espresso Machine

At this moment I am sitting in Gold Bar. This coffee shop is locally owned and offeres a variety of dairy-free milks which is why it's one of my favorite coffee café's.

The Espresso machine in a place like this is the main feature. It's a rather large machine about 2.5 feet long with a shiny chrome finish, and a bulky exterior. It has two double sided spouts where the wonderful aroma of deep dark liquid called espresso emerges. The taste and smell is what draws people so often to this coffee-making technique.

After the beans ar finely ground they are packed tightly into a small, round, metal filter basket with a long handle at the end. The tamping, packing and filtering releases more of that rich coffee aroma. Once the basket is secured to the spout it uses pressure and water to squeeze through the grounds, making a loud whirling noise then a squeezing as you see the dark liquid emerging fromt he spouts. The loud banging you hear afterwards is the barista emptying the used coffee grounds into the trash.

This is the espresso. Dark on the bottom with a thin caramel colored layer on the top. This can be dranken as is or added to milk, milk foam or water. Once sugar is added to take away the bitter taste you are free to enjoy a drink full of body, usually with chocolaty undertones and full of creamy wonder, I call this paradise.

And there you have it. A large, bulky machine, small amounts of finely ground rich coffee, lots of noise coming from the high amount of pressure squeezing through the grounds, producing about 2 ounces of deep chocolaty rich liquid with a light caramel colored foam topping. Espresso

Cheers to coffee lovers around the world.

Prompt #5 Show Me How

Choose a common or menial task with which you are familiar. Try to describe it to your reader in a fun/ interesting way, or possibly shed new light on something mundane.

How to Use the Public Library

The Library is a great place to find books, DVDs, Audio book, CDs and much more at no cost. Simply return your item on it's due date.

Here is why you should start today

1. Save Money! How many books are sitting on your shelf, you've read them once but have no need to read again, they've been collecting dust for months or years and every time you move they come with you, what a burden they can be! At the library you simply borrow, read (watch or listen) and return.

2. Focus on the task. When you have a book (DVD or CD) in hand for a limited amount of time it can cause you to be more focused on getting through it quicker. How many times have you had 3, 4 maybe 10 books going at once? With a library book you've got at least 3 weeks to get through then you can move on to the next!

Here is how to use the library

Go to the one nearest to you, it'll make returns much easier! Peruse their selection of book, DVDs or whatever type of media you are looking for. Most libraries have their books divided up in genre, then shelves are typically organized by authors last name.

Get a library card. This is super easy, simply go to the information desk, tell the worker you would like to register for a card and fill out your information as required. It's free! They will also give you a list of resources including late fees and more.

The library catalog. Every library should have one of these online, you can even access it from home before you go! Look up an author, title, keyword or more to see if they have what you are looking for.

Take advantage of the top picks, staff picks, featured genre picks and more. If you go without a plan these are great places to explore new authors and books you would have otherwise never considered.

Ask for help. If the catalog and the organization still isn't enough, there is usually enough staff to help you out.

Once you've found the book or media you want, simply check out using the self-service scanners. These are very self explanitory

a. Scan your library card

b. scan the library bar code on your book and/or media

c. tell the computer when you are finished

d. a receipt with due dates will print out and you are done!

At this point your library experience is done. Now you have a book or other media in hand for as long as the library has specified. Free never felt so great!

A note about library conveniences: When you register for a card you will be asked to provided an email. This is a great way for the library to send you a reminder when your books are due. Also use the online library system to renew your books or see when they are due.

Prompt #4 Quotable Quotes

Share one of your favorite (or least favorite) quotes. Tell the reader why it is significant, important, or meaningful.

"I wonder if the opposite of hearing is not deafness but disobedience because we are always listening to something." Ann Voskamp

I found this quote saved to a stickie on my desktop. It hits hard. When God says "Trust me" (which He has...to me...several times now) and I continually live in fear of others and anxiety of what I can't see, then I am not deaf, I am in completely opposition to the Lord.

The disciples, when first called, dropped everything, on the spot to follow Jesus. Who would do that? It seems so strange to me in the context of my culture and my era, but to be called by a Rabbi in those days was a huge honor and any Jew, especially those who aren't counted as the elite of their religion, would probably not hesitate about that invitation.

The words of Jesus in Matthew say "Come to me all who carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest." That is a very inviting promise and command.

So when I hear God calling me into trusting Him, into handing over my self-made burdens but I continue forward in anxiety, my actions are saying "I don't really trust you."

I hate this anxiety, worry and fear that surrounds my daily life. I think it's time to take God seriously, to show Him honor and respect and listen to His calling.

Prompt #3 Writing What I Know

Recall a significant moment from your childhood or past – something that shaped and defined who you are today. What were you doing/ thinking/ feeling? Why was it important?

It has been six years of the same thing. Not necessarily the job itself was the same thing, but the frustration in my heart. That squeezing feeling when I thought "Is this really the rest of my life?"

My job was slowly sucking the life out of me. School had been so much fun, making up brands, designing an identity around it, pitching the concept to my teacher who would give me an "A" and I would feel completely satisfied. Unfortunately that wasn't the real world. The real world was more about fighting for my significance, designing around the politics of the department and hoping I would survive the next RIF.

I was getting more and more bored every year. Imagining up ways to make things exciting and finding that they died before they could go from thought to action or if it did make that far, the excitement would rub off within a few weeks.

I'll never forget the words of a good friend. "Pray that God either release you to your job and from your job." So I prayed that for three years after that conversation. I didn't feel a release, I did feel stuck though, and I don't think that was God.

Fear can really be a career killer, I was afraid to touch my resume. Was my work good enough? Could I convey that I was worth hiring, and where in the world would I look for a job? With those thoughts I would realize that I didn't even want a job in the same field. What did I want to do? I didn't have an answer for that one either. The hamster wheel would go and go continually in my head like this for years. Always leading me back to the conclusion that I couldn't do it, that I had security in my job and it was simply what felt comfortable.

But the summer of 2011 something was breaking free inside of me. It was the breaking down of those fears, it was a boldness, a courage that was emerging from who I was made to be. My heart was saying "FAITH" my head was saying "this doesn't make sense to me or my society". Then I remembered the verse that says " I do not give you the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind" Those words were so loud in my head. I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to follow that wisdom.

In August of 2011 I gave my notice. I had no job lined up, I had no idea what I was going to do about that, I had a lease ending in 2 months. I had a trip planned in 3 days and I knew that God was with me. Asking me to trust Him.

After leaving my job of almost seven years. I was able to pay off my debt. Move in with my friends for a significantly lower rent. Have enough money in the bank to survive on for four months, plan a wedding, get married and enjoy life...truly enjoy life.

I write this as a reminder to myself that God is trust-worthy. That His words are TRUE, that He comes through on His promises and that the daily bread He promises is more then just a meal, but a lifetime of JOY because He doesn't leave us in the dust.

Prompt #2 Anthropomorphism

Choose an item from the room around you. Everything has a story to tell. What is that story?

My Vacuum

When I walked into the living room last night with bare feet, my carpet reminded me that it has been neglected. With crumbs and little sunflower seeds stuck to my heal, I shrugged to myself in embarrassment, glanced at my vacuum and made note in my head to use it.

The vacuum was given the name Shark Navigator. He's a silent killer, quietly doing it's duty on the little things that collect on my floors. However a few months ago Navi's voice grew louder and louder until one day I was certain he was yelling at me. Why was he so loud?! I knew he was trying to tell me something was wrong but after performing a quick examine I could not find the source of Navi's pain. So I continued to use it. After all, those wonderful combed marks it leaves on my carpet makes me squeal with delight, only internally though otherwise it would be too weird.

A few days went by, I knew taking it into a vacuum repair man was silly, so much money simply because I didn't understand Navi's internal organs. Then I heard of a friend of a friend who loved to get his hands dirty, especially when it came to vacuum reconstructive surgery. So I enlisted his help, dropped Navi off at his unofficial "Vacuum clinic" and hoped for the best.

Two days later I received a text, in essence it said "Navi's life has been spared, he's going to make it." I was relieved and overjoyed.

So now that Navi is back in his rightful home, I know he is eager to be useful once again.

Happy Vacuuming everyone!

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Hannah