Warning about hannawolfcross / spareusallanotheryear / caseclosededogawa
During 2012, when I was 17, Erin/Hanna was involved in a long distance romantic and sexual relationship with me. We met on deviantart, and most of our interactions were on there, but were lost with my account. We roleplayed sex/romance between two characters I loved at the time, and she made several comments about wanting to marry me, date me, and/or be involved with me in some way or another. When we became involved, she was, based on my math, 26/27. Proof of her age from an ask sent to her in 2016 that I found
Though most of the conversations between us are gone from my facebook and deviantart, there are a few hints on her main rp blog. Below are conversations we had publicly in 2012, when I was 17, turning 18 the summer of that year.
(a discussion about my lack of interest in sex, and her admitting she was sexually interested in me)
(something she tagged me in, my deadname is blocked out. After enough sexual hints and passes from her, I asked her about sexting because I thought it was the obvious and necessary step we should make, and it seemed to be something she really wanted. We did this twice.)
A discussion regarding me moving in when I turn 18, something we talked about quite a bit, because I was in an abusive home situation and desperate for an escape.
She knew I was only 17, and that I was still in high school during the entirety of our relationship. She was a married woman at that time, and although her husband was aware of our relationship, it still doesn’t take away from the fact there was a huge difference between life and relationship experience between us. Here is her admitting her plans in an ask reply after our eventual falling out.
(unrelated to our relationship, but little snippets of roleplaying where her character was temporarily a child, and still expressing sexual interest for the character he was in a relationship with)
(and another instance where he was a 16 year old, and sexual roleplay still went down with another person, with the theme of his virginity being taken by an “older” and gentle man)
(While not as serious as what went down with us, little things like this popped up with her character from time to time and it was just more proof she had no negative opinion about teenagers and adults being involved)
I will openly admit I was not easy to be with back then, I was a confused and angry/desperate teenager with absolutely zero knowledge on how to be in a decent relationship. I was needy, immature, and bratty. And I was prone to lashing out, pushing adults past their limit, and trying to purposely upset them so they treated me how I thought I deserved and needed to be treated. The string of adults I allowed to romantically chase me as a kid is proof of that. Unchecked disorders and trauma played a huge part, but it’s a reason, not an excuse. I was emotionally/mentally immature.
I did a lot of things I regret in that relationship, I was a mess and a toxic handful. It really truly didn’t help that the maturity between us was seven years apart, and I wasn’t aware of that difference or why it mattered. A high school kid trying to be in a serious relationship with a married adult will never turn out right, it’s never good, but I lacked the knowledge to know that. She, on the other hand, did not. There was no way she was ignorant to the problems there.
When it all fell apart due to all the things I just mentioned, she was content to sit back and allow her other adult friends to call me out and isolate me from the fandom and rp circle I was in. This pushed me to my very first suicide attempt, handled very poorly by myself and everyone involved, when the police contacted my (abusive) parents, they said I was fine and everyone accused me of “faking” the situation, which was far from the truth. The trauma of that attempt, and how scared I was, is still a problem I’m trying to confront.
She also accused me of things that simply weren’t true, and used that to further attempt to chase me out of any friend group I was in from there. I remade my blog after a while and tried to start over/heal in a separate fandom. She did things like send me anons, allow her friends to contact me passive aggressively, and create more callouts about me with information that was false (as in: using posts I made about a sexually abusive ex to say I was lying about her, when the posts in question had nothing to do with her, and were actually about someone I knew years before we met, to create a callout and tag it with the fandoms I was part of. Situations like this continued to happen for quite some time, despite her saying she cut contact and was done with me.) She also got herself involved with any disagreements I had with others, and consistently pushed to “teach me a lesson” and show me the error of my ways through public humiliation.
(I will quickly mention that her friend behind these callouts was also an adult, who was famous for being aggressive and callout happy. They threatened their 16/17 year old smut rp partner around that time with threats of callouts and public isolation if they didn’t change their tune and become a better person, which is what they ultimately did to me. They are also an outspoken “anti anti” running a naruto incest rp blog, but that’s neither here nor there.)
Years later I contacted her to apologize for my part in everything going to shit, and while she accepted it, she had no apologies to say back and blocked me before the conversation could go any further. That was the last and only attempt I made.
The trauma and issues from our relationship are not really something I allowed myself to accept and realize. I blamed myself for everything that happened for years, and it was until I was an adult myself that I realized what happened was wrong. I’m almost 25 now, and the thought of dating a teenager makes me sick to my stomach, as it should! but she never had a problem with the idea. Not once did she apologize or admit guilt for dating a high school kid as an adult well in her late 20s. As far as I can tell, she sees nothing wrong with it, and neither do her friends who sat back and allowed it to happen/encouraged it.
I still have nightmares about the falling out, and the sexual conversations between us/how they made me feel, and I’m terrified of anyone more than seven years older trying to befriend me. I ran from a friend recently due to the age difference between us, and their mannerisms reminding me of her. I turn down romantic gestures from partners that imply they want to take care of me, or unintentionally seem infantilizing. Even the mention of large age gaps with teens and adults makes me shake. I woke up shaking from a nightmare just last night about my loved ones terrorizing me the way her friends did.
It was extremely difficult for me to see past the kind person I remember her being during our relationship, put a name to the dirty and ashamed feeling I had, and realize her behavior was predatory and wrong. And whether or not it was intentional grooming, she still behaves as if there was nothing wrong with her actions, and a relationship like that was/is acceptable and normal. It really does worry me for any future teenagers she could befriend, and makes me sick to think about the kind of people she calls friends and supporters. Minors are not safe around those people, and that’s simply all there is to it.
Please do not send her anons, contact her, or harass her/her friends. This puts me at risk for being targeted again, and it’s really not behavior I’m okay with or encourage. This isn’t a callout as much as it is a warning, and a way to keep teenagers from making the same mistakes I did. If an adult shows interest in you, please run, cut contact, reach out to guardians. “Age is just a number” is a bullshit and dangerous statement, and I really don’t want anybody to learn the hard way. Stay safe