SmS @happily-divorced-mom - Tumblr Blog

We are coming up to that time of year where relationships with our dearest and closest ones can be challenging. This may have been magnified by a particularly challenging year for many of us both personally and professionally. We are offering a 6 week program that combines boosting your mental fitness with recommitting to positive nurturing relationships that energize you! You can book as a couple, group of friends, family or as an individual. Find out more at https://www.21nextsteps.com/mental-fitness Our next program starts January 11th. As I truly believe this is the best gift you can offer this season, a 50% discount will be offered to all those gifting the program to someone else! For more information book a free orientation session through the link above. https://www.instagram.com/p/CI8Ww1IL45W/?igshid=1gz1j6ht70d2w

Going in and out of confinement while trying to navigate regular daily challenges can often feel overwhelming. I know it has not been easy plus we have our specific set of regular life changes added to the mix. Learning to navigate such times with greater ease and flow enables you to cope better, see more positive outcomes and sometimes even look up once in a while and enjoy the ride. Find out more about living with more ease and flow: https://www.21nextsteps.com/ https://www.instagram.com/p/CG9bBu9pEyZ/?igshid=1egzndffyhi3l

COVID and lockdown have changed the way we connect with others. Having to initiate and maintain communication can be a challenge for some people. Our 6 week mental fitness program offers a great opportunity to increase your awareness, improve your relationships and quality of life. All this packaged in an easy to use, fun dynamic atmosphere with your small group pod. Find out more on: https://www.21nextsteps.com/mental-fitness https://www.instagram.com/p/CGri9sDJ8tN/?igshid=bybc9a1rmvr6

What it feels like to feel on top of the world https://www.instagram.com/p/CGna4prpYsV/?igshid=v0hlj88wqn1u

The pandemic has resulted in many people having to work with their teams virtually. While some people have done this for sometime, for others this might not feel so natural. Also how does one keep the momentum, motivation and team leadership going when this stretches out over several months? Through joining our Mental Fitness Program, you have access to an app that helps each individual team member strengthen their mental muscles through 15 minutes a day of individual practice. This improves each team member's ability to face their daily challenges with a more positive mindset, increases productivity and creativity. In addition through this program you have a weekly moderated "pod" meeting where your team members come together and share their program experiences. This not only strengthens their awareness of themselves and others in team interactions but also enhances their ability to communicate their ideas with impact having a positive influence on their team and the overall business. For more information visit our website or contact us for a free orientation chat. https://www.instagram.com/p/CGkPRxypAzY/?igshid=1xax7qyw9l3yv

How would you like to increase your productivity, improve your relationships and live and work in a state of ease and flow? Through this 6 week mental fitness program and the help of an app - you can do this by just committing 15 mins a day of your time. Joining the program in a small group makes it even more fun. More info: https://www.21nextsteps.com/mental-fitness https://www.instagram.com/p/CGUUuwfJig_/?igshid=10hbndpe000kq

A great reminder on World Mental Health Day! Stay well and support one another. https://www.instagram.com/p/CGKKLSspsLy/?igshid=1krg9uamjdkg1

I created 21 Next Steps as a reaction to a personal and professional transition to support people in their own transitions. It turns out the timing could not have been more perfect given the number of people who are finding themselves on the job market willingly or unwillingly, or trying to shift to healthier lifestyles, or make other changes to their personal / professional situations. By the time I reached my early 40s, my friends would often joke that they could no longer keep track of where I was working or what I was doing. I never really understood this, as to me it often felt like I was doing much of the same thing, just in a different company…. What they meant of course is that I could never really stay put in one company for very long and they were not wrong about that. One guiding principle I have had throughout my life is that I have a very low tolerance for being discontented. For me being unhappy with my daily activity meant complete dissatisfaction with life overall. I was not able to compartmentalize the way some people do. Well the job is not that great but it pays the bills…..I hate the company but I like my daily work…..I am not challenged in what I do but I have a great boss so it’s worth staying…. So when the time came to completely embrace what I love doing most, I created 21 Next Steps. So how is it different from other counselling / coaching programs? Firstly, we centre our efforts on people who are eager to make clear, sometimes bold, long-lasting changes in their lives. Secondly, and most importantly, it uses the principles of Positive Intelligence, which enables people to boost their mental fitness thus creating a solid foundation for managing future challenges from a positive mindset. For more information book a free orientation session at: https://www.21nextsteps.com/ https://www.instagram.com/p/CGHgxCkphYi/?igshid=1twgy8kofb6hf

Life does not have to be a permanent uphill struggle. Learning more about your mental saboteurs and how they contribute to keeping you in a negative mindset is the first stepping stone to boosting your mental fitness. Find out more about our 6 week program that helps you intercept your mental saboteurs and grow your sage powers to build a more creative, fulfilling life where you face challenges with a positive mindset. This work is even more fun when done in small groups, so talk to friends and colleagues about this and see if they will join you on this fun adventure! Find out more by booking a free orientation call on: https://www.21nextsteps.com/mental-fitness https://www.instagram.com/p/CF1fAPuJjSM/?igshid=el1cdsamiqj3

When we want to improve our physical fitness we engage in some sort of physical exercise. We lift weights, work on our stamina etc...How about when it comes to our mental fitness? What do we do to improve our mental fitness and how is increased mental fitness measured? If you would like to find out more about a 6 week program where you can improve your mental fitness contact me or sign up for a free orientation call on: www.21nextsteps.com. #positiveintelligence #personaldevelopment Most of us have great intentions, we might even engage in training courses and gain incredible insights about how to improve. However all too often, we do not see lasting improvement in our mental muscles. Here is why: https://lnkd.in/daQvH5c https://www.instagram.com/p/CDyPOkoi4TI/?igshid=pzkjwalqzdxn

#positiveintelligence #personaldevelopment

How much braver do I need to be???

So you leave everything you know behind to start a new life in a wonderful city with a warmer climate ....and by the seaside!!! This has been a long held dream! Your loved ones happily follow along with the promise of a happier life. Everyone admires how brave you are for doing this on your own at age 45!!! Yes, 45, harder to learn new languages, meet people and make friends. Harder but not impossible - ha!! Of course I now need to add a few extra challenges like potentially starting my new business because the job I came with is a flop...adopting a giant new puppy...let's see what else I come up with...yes recently my son added to the list by indicating he might want to change schools...but what's life without a challenge huh? I have got to say despite the hardships I am loving it all! I finally feel like I am living for life's sake and not just for the next pay check.

The hard part about aging

It's not the wrinkles, the saggy skin, the slowing down of the metabolism. It's not even the fact that you can't go out dancing till early hours of the morning or drink as much as you used to without nursing a deadly hangover for days....it's more the fact that your mind keeps wanting things that are not compatible with where you are in life. Or with what your body can handle. Now I am all for feeling splendid and fit at fifty and I am successfully on such a mission myself. I am delighted to say that, heading for 45 I feel the fittest and strongest I have felt since my late 20s which I am of course very proud of. It's just that we have always been conditioned to taper down, slow down over time. So this is not compatible with feeling full of vitality and energy. It also of course gets people talking...and not always in a good way! What should I now do with all this energy? Since I no longer have the desire to dance in clubs all night? Surely there is a new age appropriate occupation....or is this why all older people just get more and more sporty? Not that there is anything wrong with that of course....

Screw statistics

The minute you tell someone you are divorced or separated or that your marriage did not work out they immediately refer to the popular statistics that 50-60% of marriages in Europe or the world end in divorce / separation. Who cares? Is that meant to comfort me in the fact that it is “normal” my marriage did not work out? I have also heard people warn people off marriage using the same statistics and it makes me wonder...what do people find so comforting about statistics? Why put so much faith in these numbers? I have wondered about this for many years prior to getting married.

See I used to work for a prestigious international organisation that churned out a lot of papers / articles and statistics about public health. I worked along side health economists and biostatisticians....and I can say with quite some certainty that statistics are just a numerical way of describing what you want to describe. So you come up with a premise / theme and then look for the patterns in the numbers that will support it. That is what we do. You can ask anyone working with numbers and not necessarily in public health but also in the financial world. I think people can make numbers look reassuring or scary which ever way it suits them. We all know that, so why do we resort to statistics especially in response to an important personal moment when someone announces they are getting married.

Bottom line is where people want to see misery and fear that is all they will see. I think it’s a shame to have that as our default, as it so often is....try announcing to someone you have met someone you love with hope and optimism and watch their reaction. Tell someone you are getting a puppy and they will go on to give you all the reasons having a puppy is such a constraint and why they do not do it....HOW DID EVERYONE BECOME SO MISERABLE???!!!

If we want to start talking figures, here is a sure one. We are all 100% we will die. But we certainly do not go on and on about that while stroking a pregnant friend’s stomach right? so why do we think it appropriate to warn people off anything else that might bring joy to their life?

As a divorced person, I admit I have a very different view of marriage now, having gone through what I went through. However if I meet a couple about to tie the knot - I am happy for them and I rejoice for them. They could easily beat the statistics - best way is not to listen or take them too seriously and continue on your joyful path.

Think a lot before you decide on marriage

Honestly I am really not cynical and I do believe in true everlasting love. I was born and raised in a culture and religion where marriage is a big deal and it is for life. My family do not believe in divorce. In fact in our culture / religion divorce is only allowed under two circumstances: 1) if you either party cannot procreate 2) if either party has a severe mental problem. So you can well imagine how my divorce went down in my family.

There was my mother who kept fostering the hope that my ex-husband and I would “patch things up” as after all this was all based on my impulsive emotional reaction and surely we coud overcome that. She kept believing this a good two years after he had met and moved in with his new partner. In fact she still seems somewhat surprised when there is mention of his partner…as if she did not really exist in my mother’s psyche (what exists in my mother’s psyche will also be elaborated o in future blogs).

So marriage is really at least in this country, more of a socio-economic institution that dictates how you will organise yourself, your offspring and your belongings / resources. Judges and divorce lawyers care very little about anything else. Let alone the actual well-brig of the children and / or parents. The whole process of divorce in this country is based on ensuring that all parties are somehow provided for and covered without having to resort to financial support from the state. Until a wife or child is being battered black and blue or showing severe signs of psychological trauma they do not want to hear about it.

I knew this when we divorced of course. And I was quite comforted in that I had full custody and legal authority over our son. The reason I needed to re-visit a lawyer had to do with my ex-husband’s visitation rights. Lately my 10 year old son has been feeling more and more uncomfortable sleeping at his father’s, so I negotiated that he sleep at home. With a lot of defensiveness of course on the father’s part.

Instead of trying to understand what is going on and change circumstances to make them more comfortable for our son, his father seems determined to make him adapt to existing circumstance (i.e. give in to the rules of their household which naturally revolve entirely around his girlfriend). As I can see this being a long downhill slippery slope I thought I would find out what can happen legally down the line if my son starts refusing to go see his dad.

Interestingly, the process of having my son become no longer legally obligated to see a father he does not want to see is much more complex than having my ex-husband pay me retroactively for the past 5 years’ worth of extra expenses. In fact turns out with me having full parental authority, it would actually be easiest if we were to up and leave the country….go figure….

happily-divorced-mom

How I became an HDM

I am a happily divorced mom or as I like to refer to myself an HDM. Yes I mean it HAPPY. I say happy because even though I was a serial romantic prior to having my child, I fundamentally believe that many men who become fathers are not fit to parent. Now before all the men go off in a huff, do not take this the wrong way. I am talking about most men not ALL men. I do believe it is just as possible to be an HDD (Happily Divorced Dad). Not only do I believe that because I am an eternal optimist, but also because I have witnessed some men who were better at parenting than many women I know and in couples who are still trying to stick together. So just to be clear when I refer to myself as an HDM I am also aware there are some HDDs out there – cheers you guys! And I do hope to meet one sometime so we can enjoy wonderful years of retirement together, as I firmly believe it takes and HDD to understand an HDM. But I derail, this is not about me meeting my future soul mate, this is about how I became an HDM. If I dig back to my first realization that my marriage was not going to work it would have to be the day I was going to be released from the maternity ward to go home with my baby. My, at the time husband, had been rejoicing all week, as I had been away since 7 days (long birthing story which will be the subject of another blog). No the birthing did not take 7 days, it did take over 48 hours though and then I was kept with the baby at the maternity for an extra 5 days since I had had a C-section (more on that later). So he had been looking forward to the day mom and baby came home so we could finally start our life as a family and I had been looking forward to that too. On the other hand what I had not expected was how anxious I would feel about the long drive (35 mins) home. After all this was the first time the baby would leave the safety of the maternity ward and be exposed to a moving car…I was concerned, would the jiggling about in his car seat do any brain damage? Would he survive the distance without needing to breast feed? I know all of these concerns are completely irrational, but I think anyone who has given birth knows that we have to allow ourselves those kinds of irrational thoughts for anything up to the first year after birth. So given all my concerns, I had timed it perfectly, he had been breast fed, changed and ready to go and then we were left waiting for 90 minutes for a doctor to come and see me just to say I could go. I was growing impatient and more and more anxious so at one point I rose and said forget this, let’s just go! My husband (the eternal stickler for following procedures and rules) insisted that we stay and actually physically held me back. As we were just about to start this fight, the doctor came in and released me (lucky for my husband as I am sure I would have won the physical struggle!) That incident stayed engraved in my mind. I mean what was he afraid of? We would never have been accused of kidnapping our own baby!! Nor was this a mental asylum that I needed to be checked out of. Also I would have informed the reception that we were leaving and would have been happy to come in for a further checkup if needed….but NO! IT WAS IMPORTANT WE FOLLOW THE RULES…..so important that this began the first injury in a series of injuries to our relationship where instead of supporting me and standing by me, he stood in my way.

How I became an HDM

I am a happily divorced mom or as I like to refer to myself an HDM. Yes I mean it HAPPY. I say happy because even though I was a serial romantic prior to having my child, I fundamentally believe that many men who become fathers are not fit to parent. Now before all the men go off in a huff, do not take this the wrong way. I am talking about most men not ALL men. I do believe it is just as possible to be an HDD (Happily Divorced Dad). Not only do I believe that because I am an eternal optimist, but also because I have witnessed some men who were better at parenting than many women I know and in couples who are still trying to stick together. So just to be clear when I refer to myself as an HDM I am also aware there are some HDDs out there – cheers you guys! And I do hope to meet one sometime so we can enjoy wonderful years of retirement together, as I firmly believe it takes and HDD to understand an HDM. But I derail, this is not about me meeting my future soul mate, this is about how I became an HDM. If I dig back to my first realization that my marriage was not going to work it would have to be the day I was going to be released from the maternity ward to go home with my baby. My, at the time husband, had been rejoicing all week, as I had been away since 7 days (long birthing story which will be the subject of another blog). No the birthing did not take 7 days, it did take over 48 hours though and then I was kept with the baby at the maternity for an extra 5 days since I had had a C-section (more on that later). So he had been looking forward to the day mom and baby came home so we could finally start our life as a family and I had been looking forward to that too. On the other hand what I had not expected was how anxious I would feel about the long drive (35 mins) home. After all this was the first time the baby would leave the safety of the maternity ward and be exposed to a moving car…I was concerned, would the jiggling about in his car seat do any brain damage? Would he survive the distance without needing to breast feed? I know all of these concerns are completely irrational, but I think anyone who has given birth knows that we have to allow ourselves those kinds of irrational thoughts for anything up to the first year after birth. So given all my concerns, I had timed it perfectly, he had been breast fed, changed and ready to go and then we were left waiting for 90 minutes for a doctor to come and see me just to say I could go. I was growing impatient and more and more anxious so at one point I rose and said forget this, let’s just go! My husband (the eternal stickler for following procedures and rules) insisted that we stay and actually physically held me back. As we were just about to start this fight, the doctor came in and released me (lucky for my husband as I am sure I would have won the physical struggle!) That incident stayed engraved in my mind. I mean what was he afraid of? We would never have been accused of kidnapping our own baby!! Nor was this a mental asylum that I needed to be checked out of. Also I would have informed the reception that we were leaving and would have been happy to come in for a further checkup if needed….but NO! IT WAS IMPORTANT WE FOLLOW THE RULES…..so important that this began the first injury in a series of injuries to our relationship where instead of supporting me and standing by me, he stood in my way.

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