I hope my voice echoes the minds of those who have been stuck with barely a direction to move towards to.
It’s been 7 months after graduation, and I’m discouraged, underwhelmed, and tired. I knew going through this path would be hard: a Psychology major in pursuit of inspiring young minds through culturally relevant education as a professor and a researcher. Even before I finished my undergraduate studies, I looked into the horizon and the path looked long. Now, it’s like I can’t even see the end of it.
After high school, I rejected all the colleges I got accepted in because of my pride and haunting grudge over my peers. I always felt like I was beneath everybody. I reluctantly went to community college instead, trying avoiding every being that I have known before that. I was never a studious individual, but I’ve always had passion for what I want to do in the future.
I spent 3 years in community college, constantly trying to prove everyone who went straight to university that I am better than what “I thought” they thought of me. Keeping in contact with a handful, I have grown depressed hearing their struggles of lecture halls, dorming, and constant work professors assign them. I couldn’t relate to most of it, and I fell into a state of resentment, letting go of the last thing I held onto in high school. Though I’ve lost touch, my state of inferiority amongst them continued to haunt me, pushing me to do better. I’ve gotten involved with an organization, building my experiences in teaching and leadership and rose above.
After 3 years and getting an Associate’s Degree in Psychology, I was able to transfer to the University of California, Irvine. Though I was proud of being accepted, I still felt like I needed to prove something. I’ve juggled many roles: a student, an educator, a researcher, and a community leader. I’ve overworked myself to a point where it was conditioned in my brain that this is the normal capacity in which I should work. Anything less would put me to a spiral of anxiety and depression. 2 years in university, majoring in Psychology and Social and minoring in Educational Studies, and I’ve gained 5 things: 1. Constant anxiety over my unpredictable future 2. Depression over the lack of accomplishments I’ve done in college 3. Unemployment after a facade of hope that I would find stability after working in my lab after all the hard work I’ve done for them 4. Reinforced self-doubt after countless amounts of rejections from other jobs 5. A Piece of paper worth more than $35,000 proving I paid that much money to enter a stage in life that doesn’t guarantee a job, but guaranteeing an inevitable amount of debt.
I though I had it all planned out. I would work for a maximum of 2 years as a Project Manager in research, earning not only experience but money to pay off my loans and save up for graduate school and apply on my 2nd year. Then I would face the life of a graduate students under a PhD program for Psychology or Education, doing research on how culture affects the way the education shapes different generations of immigrant minorities. I would then settle as a professor of Psychology in my community college while doing independent research that impacts the Filipino community. That’s what my idealist mind thinks.
Now, I’m left with a lack of motivation and passion towards my community work, now desperately trying to go back into school, applying for programs I probably would not enjoy in conjunction to my future plans. I’m still living with my folks driven by their conservative ideals, dismissing my education of Psychology as some pagan religion against their values that they have raised me with. I feel trapped in all aspects of my life, hoping that one day I will find that sliver of opportunity to get back on track, still trying to prove my worth.
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