∆ ZEF ZONE ∆

// FTM - T 8.11.16 //

[motivationsforlife]

no way up

[motivationsforlife]

Odin by Heather Noelle

[drip-2-hard]

[glozz-deactivated20210927]

[happyalexander]

I usually find myself here reading after months or years words I’ve typed in when I was into difficult places, I always feel grateful and strong afterwards because I’ve succeeded fighting through those phases of darkness.

Well, right now I am in one of those dark places. Why?

I’ve met a very special person almost one year ago, we’ve had a special relationship which lasted a little more than a month but it was the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in my 20 years. She was almost perfect for me - as far as I’ve known her. But just like a blink of an eye, she decided for both of us that because of her passion for the studies she was attending we couldn’t work our relationship out. She’s living in England - far away from me. She’s living a life that is very different mine and because of the many opportunities she got offered she decided she couldn’t hold the weight of choosing between me and her bright future. I respect that. Many of the things she did to me are discutibile, my opinion on them changes from time to time ‘she’s right, how could she do that to me, she loves me still, she has been lying to me, ...’ . In this very moment my opinion sticks to the last statement - good. So right now, here I am trying all my best to let her go. Not her as a person, but her as the person she was with me, her as my second half. And the truth is, I am tired. I’m done with her living in my head rent-free. This is distracting me from my future, from my growth. Despite from her words, I know she is not the right one for me, and despite from what she told me I don’t look forward to meet again in the future to give it a second chance. I don’t want somebody who puts me in stand-by, who doesn’t fight for what we’ve built. I want somebody who loves me unconditionally - I know she isn’t them.

So I will be here waiting, fighting to get the best version of myself out of all this. Until that someone who deserves all of this love I am able to give comes to me. And I hope I will be finding myself here reading this post when it will happen.

To the future me: good job mate, you got out of it.

[happyalexander]

Pre T - 1 Year on T - 3 Years on T

Instagram: ciufeco

[happyalexander]

4 years and a few months on T

[happyalexander]

hey man! i found your blog and just wanted to tell you your transition is really inspiring & also you look really good haha i don't really know why i'm telling you this, but i went down the rabbit hole of your blog and you didn't sound particularly well (i am not sure how old your posts are) but i hope you're happy, or at least fine with who you are and what/who you have in your life supporting you. we really need more people like you who can be inspiring for others even if it hurts us sometimes

I’ve been transitioning since 15 years old.

Thanks for your kind words man! Keep it up ✌🏽

[happyalexander]

Pre T - 1 Year on T - 3 Years on T

Instagram: ciufeco

[lsleofskye]

Iceland | maxrivephotography

[happyalexander]

Just stop

[happyalexander]

May it be the answer

A senseless life

Full of sufferings and numbness

And you, yet so far away from me, still make yourself reachable just to allow me to touch the coldest part of yourself

And I miss... you.

[happyalexander]

Kissing H at the party

As my lips slided from her cheek to her mouth - I didn’t feel nothing.

No such thrills which we are so used to immagine, no such emotions which we are so used to expect.

Just the pureness and the depth of: nothing.

As soon as I looked up I regretted it; because I knew - I feared, your eyes could’ve posed on me in the meanwhile.

And the moment our glances met for less than a second, I remembered how it is to have a heart and feelings.

And I felt miserable.

[happyalexander]

I feel alone. Surrounded by people who love me and seem to care about me, I feel alone.

I come home after a day of beautiful conversations and genuine laughs and I feel alone; find myself wondering if all of this has or will ever have a sense.

I feel alone as I can’t share anything with anyone anymore. Maybe it’s because i stopped trying to figure out who I actually am, who I became in these months. I feel worthless, I feel like what I am doing now in my life will never give me pleasure or anything else. I can’t think about something to do that could make me happy, like running away and wandering around or find a job in my hometown next to my friends and lovers. I feel like I am a loser, and nothing can change it. I feel like nobody could ever love me again, because I feel like I don’t deserve it - and I don’t even know why. I don’t know if I need a thrill in my life. I don’t know if the university I chose satisfy me, I don’t know if I like it; although I can’t think of anything else that could ever make me feel happier than doing what I do - art. I don’t have any motivation of walking into class anymore. And this scares me. All of this scares me because then what am I doing with my life? What am I supposed to do with my life? Are these feelings normal?

And, again, I feel lonely. I find myself dreaming about finding someone that could actually fill the void inside of me, someone that could again throw some colors in my days. And I hate this need, which is maybe not even what I actually feel but what I want to feel. Cause love is the reason of all our sufferings, isn’t it? I don’t believe so - I didn’t believe so, but how come I found myself highly considering it?

[happyalexander]

io vorrei amarti

perché ti amo

ma il mio amore ci fa soffrire

perché io non so amarti

[happyalexander]

Pre T - post T

[thedailyzen]

Much of what we fear is completely imaginary.

[thedailyzen]

Let your heart guide you and let your head keep you out of trouble.