Ahmed @harahmed - Tumblr Blog

Time to finally put tumblr down

Moving on to wordpress where the text post character limit chaining down my rambles no longer constrains me. it was a good run tumblr but i'm moving on to a new chapter of my life inshallah

S1

back on my bs i need a platform to vent and there's something about using tumblr to just throw it out there in the online void vs using google docs. google docs isn't risky enough to motivate me to write down my thoughts in a point in time when I am so inconsistent with writing venting in general. The past few years I've just been bottling it up and being a lot more anxious and irritable than what my baseline used to be until whatever it is that's bothering me either fades away or gets resolved. there's better coping mechanisms than this lol. so here we go, unfiltered, unworried about how my words will be perceived. just me and my feelings baby

getting back into the 'dating' aka finding wife game is so frustrating. i'm so used to the status quo set up by my past relationship and it's become abundantly clear that among my weaknesses are putting myself in other people's shoes, holding my tongue when something is said to me that questions my morality or doesn't take my feelings into consideration, and listening to understand instead of just to respond. that being said, it's so annoying and irritating how your own insecurities and my subjectively benign blunders have shaped this narrative that I am someone I'm not. someone not worth being trusted because you project your insecurities onto the meaning behind my actions when i am literally telling you that the meaning is something completely different to how you feel. it's so annoying that when i try to defend myself you take it as me playing the victim or trying to change the narrative or not taking accountability. like how disconnected can you be? it's crazy that you literally do the same thing to me where I say things and it goes in one ear and out the other and I can't even point it out because then i'm painting you out to be the villain when "i made the mistake." get over it lmao holy shit dude the mistakes i made were because of a lack of forethought not because of how you feel: that i made them out of repressed feelings towards someone else. it's so annoying everytime i try to stand up for what i find important you validate that i don't get that right because i'm the one who messed up. everytime i say anything that goes against exactly what you want to do then i MUST have feelings for my ex as opposed to anything else when i TELL YOU that is not the case. it's not my fault you and your ex had such a rocky finish that you cannot fathom me and my ex ending amicably and wanted to keep ties because we've been each other's best friends for years. it ended amicably and through our own individual choices because we both knew it was no longer compatible with the way we want to live our future lives. so there is no repressed feelings but holy shit do you make me miss her with your lack of trust and paranoia specifically about this. and it's so annoying that in counseling you literally just put the blame all on me as if your reactions aren't at minimum polarized to an outside of standard deviation degree. like you can't take any responsibility for how your reactions have shaped the situation your in and if i try to bring it up i'm putting the blame on you when i'm the one that made the mistake. like how dense can you be...both people are culpable it isn't just me me me everytime there's an issue that comes up. it's so anger inducing tbh and you're so confident that you are in the right wholly and completely that your brain cannot even entertain what i'm trying to say because that will require you to look and reflect at yourself which you feel no need to do because i'm the one that 'made the mistake.' when we barely know each other and i struggle so much with just keeping outside perspectives in mind. no matter how many times i repeat these things you always default back to your original thinking like you didn't even listen to any of the shit i said. then you say "you were talking at me that's why.' lmao what am i supposed to do when you refuse to choose to work with me in a way that requires you to change your own narrative.

you're so convinced that your initial reactions are completely valid and based in reality with like no emotional influence and then you expect me to act as if how you feel is the reality of the situation. if i give any pushback it's me fighting for my ex. like stfu how air headed can you be "oh if he's pushing back the ONLY explanation can be my insecurity projected onto the situation. any challenge of that narrative is me being gaslit because my perception is reality." if i wasn't going to Vancouver i swear i would've ended this by now. you literally pressured me to come and when i book you start acting unhinged to reality. so insecure and jealous. then you say 'i'm confident in myself' like clearly not because this is not how someone is confident in themselves behaves. 'i don't want to feel like i'm in competition' you're fucking not but you make yourself look so bad and give me so much ick when you act this way. i miss my ex so much holy shit you are so paranoid anytime i try to find a compromise it's me having feelings and fighting for my ex. get it in your thick skull that i can feel differently than how you think i feel. i'm so exhausted and sick of having to entertain your ridiculous narrative and act as if it's true because of your own weaknesses and insecurities. you have said so many times 'so i'm not crazy' in therapy when no one has ever said or hinted that you were but i've def been thinking it and clearly your subconscious suspects you are literally unhinged. then you go to a very basic thing like 'Islamically what's the verdict on him staying in contact with his ex' as if i'm trying to be constant everyday friends with her when would talk AT MOST FREQUENT once a month. it's the principle of the thing. obviously islamically i shouldn't be friends with any woman that isn't family or my wife. then you take that as validation for EVERYTHING you are setting an ultimatum for. it's so wacky my god. i wish i didn't tell my parents about you and i wish i didn't book that ticket to vancouver.

i'm so exhausted from dealing with this and dealing with you and your unreasonable thought process with everything. you just want me to do what you want without any thoughts of my own. just marry yourself holy shit you are so heavy hearted and difficult with this. it's sad because you were so light hearted with everything else but you are insufferable with this. i can't i just can't. when i point out inconsistencies in your logic and the reality you have the audacity to tell me ' i don't feel safe talking to you about this anymore' because i don't just kneel over and say you're right my bad when you are so far from having an accurate understanding of my feelings and of the reality right in front of your face. because you get triggered and can't appreciate your own weaknesses and how they affect your perception because *your feelings are valid.* like yes your feelings are valid for you to experience but that doesn't mean your feelings translate as a truth to the reality of what's actually going on you idiot. trying to validate your perception without fail without compromise is so narcissistic. i'm just so anxious and mad about this all the time now. and you're just so good at 'compartmentalizing' you can just expect me to break multiple decade+ long bonds because you're insecure about what they represent because you are just an insecure person that can't even see it. you expect me to cut off ties with a girl i had feelings OVER TEN YEARS AGO that never manifested to anything because you're insecure. like that is why. 'oh it makes me uncomfortable how he handles his past relationship.' no idiot you're just insecure. me talking to someone i had feelings for over 10 years ago once every 3 months makes you uncomfortable because you're insecure. it's not because there is inherently something wrong with the frequency and meaning of that interaction. yet i can't say that because it's toxic and weird that i would feel that way.

you said so many times you don't understand why unfollowing someone from instagram was emotional for you. like that perfectly exemplifies your problem. you say i can't see the bigger picture and i'm not denying that but that's the pot calling the kettle black. the fact i have said multiple times it is not about the instagram unfollow it's about what it represents ie the loss of a friendship and our counselor had to step in and say that to you as well for you to message me saying 'sorry you cried bc i asked you to unfollow your ex on IG' is ridiculous. it's ridiculous after being told multiple times that is not the issue at hand and just a representation of the broader problem for you to not understand it after being told that in multiple ways for 15 min by more than just me while i'm literally bawling that you STILL think the issue is instagram is actually crazy. that you can be so confident in your perception and your ability to empathize that when you can't empathize and your perception is inaccurate it automatically means the issue MUST be something with the other party involved. i'm so exhausted.

the only thing i can say is that we're both trying. i just WISH that in the same way i can take accountability for what my problems represent (without just kneeling over and saying oh you're right about how you see everything which is what you want me to do) you would take accountability for how your own reactions and insecurities feed into this issue instead of just blaming me and my issues every single time. i WISH SO BADLY you could just begin to even slightly entertain the idea that you are contributing to this cluster of misunderstandings and negative emotions towards each other with your own actions instead of it just being a me issue. you misunderstand me and my words and actions so much it's literally impossible to point out all the inconsistencies with what you believe i was thinking or was the motivation behind my words or actions to what i actually feel / am motivated by when i speak or act. you have issues just as much as me but bc 'i made the mistakes' you can't even begin to entertain that because you just validate that what you're feeling and the ultimatums you present to me bc of that are reasonable when they're just not. i hope this works out because everything else is good but holy shit this one singular issue is soooo much to deal with. and i get resentful bc you can just disconnect bc of your own traumas and live your life without being affected by this when i am just rattled with anxiety and irritability because i can't stop thinking about this and it affects everything i do. i know it's not fair to be resentful bc that's actually a me issue and something i can work on but you present the fact you can do that as a power move like 'oh yeah i'm not SO invested that it's affecting me outside of this.'

also it's so sad that you're willing to follow your ex just to spite me for what my original feelings were. idec if you do but the fact that you see that as such a immoral thing to do with me but are willing to present that same situation to your ex who is literally married is just sad to me and gives me so much ick. it's such a red flag that you are willing to break your own boundaries bc you think then i'll feel some type of way if you do that because you can't fathom that i just feel differently about this topic and it actually wouldn't bother me if you followed him. like it's so cringe honestly. you are so passive aggressive and then when i react you just are that pikachu meme of just so taken aback to my reaction when you're antagonizing me with bullshit and can't even recognize it because you feel so validated in everything you do. grow up jfc

i'm just so discouraged with all of this and so exhausted. at first it made me super sad and i would cry just thinking about how my ex treated things with so much empathy and understanding then i look at you and the difference is so vast. i know i shouldn't be comparing but i can't help it, you're paranoid about something that is not there and don't understand me so my anxious ramblings to you just look like my unrepressed feelings clawing out of me which is not at all the case. but you just don't know me and it feels like you don't want to get to know me if it means having to reflect on yourself bc once again you don't see anything wrong in what you're doing. and i'm just villainizing you when i try to point things out that you do that are suboptimal. what an exhausting cycle. i just want to be in a better place or find someone that isn't so distrusting. i've never been this distrusted in my life lol it's ridiculous and so triggering when you say shit like 'yeah so idk if that means he's been talking to her behind my back' or 'we'll see lmao' when i say i talked about unfollowing i can't help but react. i literally bawled my eyes out in front of you and you just have to let out the passive aggressive immature ass response. and i can't HELP but respond. what a petty thing to say, giving the same energy and pettiness of saying you'd follow your ex when idc if you do or don't lmao. then i respond with idw do this but i am being forced to if i wanna keep talking to you so i'm choosing to prioritize this over my relationship with my ex and i got perspective from her and your response is 'i need space' lmfao. i already know what the issue is...how could you talk to your ex about us?!? I NEED PERSPECTIVE WOMAN and ideas for compromise because you are insufferable trying to compromise with on this one thing. it's my way or the high way and i will fight with every fiber of my being not to just kneel over when i'm giving up something so important to me. so frustrating but alhamdulillah i was able to vent for a bit. hopefully next time we speak i won't be so reactive because i just can't help but get annoyed when you start saying some unreasonable shit because your narrative is so far removed from reality and you refuse to acknowledge that possibility in the slightest

#S

thegoldenfox64

Reblogs and replies got disabled, surprise surprise.

Reblog while you still can.

nativenews

timothylawrence

btw because i know a lot of ppl like this franchise, The Last of Us' creator Neil Druckman is a straight up zionist who was donating to israel as recently as this month. he also has explicitly stated his inspiration for the second game in the franchise was inspired by his thirst for revenge on Palestinians. The whole second installment is, in his words, drawn upon the 'israeli-palestinian conflict'. so like. maybe stop supporting him and this stupid franchise.

source

stirfriedweasel

Welp glad I thought it was a shitty game in the first place.

starlightshadowsworld

As always, the Irish speak nothing but facts.

How many more innocent civilians have to be killed by Israel before you condemn that for it?

That is a genocide.

That this is a crime on all accounts.

And deserves to be punished to the full extent off the law.

spideyyeet

EVERYONE BOYCOTT!!!

catchymemes

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This is how I feel

#Instagram

I I don't even know what to say. I've been having a lot of trouble focusing between the breakup and the Palestinian genocide. I have my first clinical exam since I think Pediatrics in 2021 where I passed by one point lol. This is the family medicine exam which is by far one of the easiest but with my lack of foundation and the fact that for every 40 to 50 minute block of studying I do I'm on my phone for 45 minutes to an hour and a half. And then I start studying again half of the time I'm just thinking about whatever content I was consuming because it's traumatic and so jarring to see people just live their lives and post stories with this going on. I was a silent supporter of BLM... Never again will I be silent iA. I want to make a new Instagram just a purge all these people I don't care enough about to see the direction their lives go especially seeing these people post stories about their lives day in and day out. It feels like I'm screaming into an empty void. In the beginning I was fueled by anger and disgust but eventually you become numb to people's apathy. I was never much of an empath anyway but I'm stuck between feeling obligated to see these videos these actual beheaded babies from these airstrikes and scrolling past it for something mind numbing which just puts me in a mental state of purgatory where it just feels like I'm existing involuntarily not moving forward or backwards. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way when they're the ones getting bombed and so the cycle starts again if me consuming content and trying to spread awareness. Although I don't feel it right now in this moment I'm thankful I was able to re-establish my religious practices like 2 weeks before this all started or I would have started smoking again and threw off the trajectory of my whole life in a way where i don't think I would have it in me to recover at this point in time. I have a mock exam tomorrow and I just don't care I don't care to go to sleep I don't care to take it I don't care to study. Everything feels so meaningless and God said good things come to those who are patient but how can I exercise patience when I just feel emotionally scarred and hopeless about the experiences going on around me. It doesn't feel like patience it's more like listlessness.

#personal

I've been so consumed with gaza that for the first time the loneliness hit. I'm not used to feeling alone, even at my loneliest you were always there. 8 years...for my morals and principles. I have been successfully laughing it off and focused on spreading awareness in gaza but I feel like I'm too aggressive. Everyone asks says I post too much and type too much. I feel starved for social interaction and I don't know how to go about it now that everyone is so much older and genuinely busy. I feel like posting stories is a cope to some degree and now I'm just sitting here feeling empty ...like a part of me is missing. It's so sad. I'm so sad. This has been the only healthy way of dealing with my emotions since childhood and I stopped typing out and confronting my emotions years ago. They feel so much more intense than childhood but I know it's not the intensity, it's me just not used to feeling this strongly. Me not having the adaptive coping mechanisms I used to. Seeing my friends everyday, track, working hard in school, playing video games. Everything feels so meaningless now and I'm trying hard to connect with people but everyone is just too busy and I find myself feeling ashamed of who've I become. I know it's the loneliness talking. I've come a long way in the past 5 years but what's the point when I don't have the person I love to share it with. What started as my deal breaker ended in a mutual end. I don't regret my principles but I wish I had the ability to judge what I'm getting myself into instead of romanticizing everything in my life. Now I'm sitting here. None of my friends are used to talking to me after 5 years of *** and my anxious avoidance. Now that I'm not doing that anymore and for the first time my emotions on the genocide in gaza has cooled down. I feel a pit in my heart and my stomach. I am praying you reach out to me one day saying it finally clicked and you're ready to explore the religion with me. I know that day will probably not come but I can't help but ask for it. I miss you. I'm surrounded by the ...by our cats and my family and I miss you. I miss how soothing you have always been to my anxious heart. How responsive and thoughtful you were. I guess this is what mourning a death of someone close to you feels like. This is what they say ...the hardest part is life just moves on. I don't want it to move on and I know I'm not the only person that feels that way in this situation. I don't want to just build a life without you and accept you'll go to hell for your beliefs. I'm scared if I keep praying for this I will never be able to move on but I do it anyway. For the first time I feel overwhelmed with negative emotion and I'm just yearning for your presence. It feels so empty knowing I can't just talk to you regularly. I don't have the security and comfort of knowing you'll be supporting me every step of the way. I don't feel like myself without you and I'm just realizing it now. How silly and stupid have I been to just joke it off while I'm sure you have also been silently suffering. To pretend like it's fine and I'm fine because I'm too scared to feel these emotions without you. When I would feel this way as a kid I would comfort myself by saying at least I can feel these emotions...some people can't. Where did I get that insight. I wish I was as strong now as I was back then. That doesn't soothe me now....you do. I guess I'll have to relearn how to comfort myself alone like I had been doing my whole childhood. I don't want to but it's not like I have a choice. It is for the best it is for the best

#personal

mevil

justcatposts

A caretaker comforting his cheetah companions when they get nervous during the night

(Source)

#personal

I’ve thought a lot about why I prefer to type things on here and post them vs just writing about them in a google or word document and keeping it personal and safe. Back in HS it was a way to communicate the thoughts and emotions that confused me and angered me to my friends as well as the therapeutic aspect of it. Now I think there’s something symbolic about posting it as kind of a way to send off all these emotions that are bottled up inside of me. Sometimes I’ll encounter people that say what’s the point of talking about it if it won’t change anything, but now that I think about it I don’t think the people in my life that say that actually feel that way. For the things that they just keep to themselves and say “there’s no point in talking about it” it’s just easier to do that than to have to face the anxieties and issues in your life that you may not have the ability to change; like getting fired from a job or other difficult situations that seem out of your control. For the things they can change, it’s also so anxiety inducing to talk about them if you’re struggling with making the change. Making a change is like the goal of gambling...you can accept there will be ups and downs but your main goal is for an upward slope of net winnings over time. Sometimes though when trying to make a change it feels like you’re just nose diving downwards and in those cases talking about it just feels like a reminder of your inadequacy. I think this is one of those things that everybody deep down knows and just saying they don’t want to talk about it because it won’t change anything is just a translation of I’m exhausted from it and don’t want to confront it right now or maybe even anytime soon. My go to is you know even if it doesn’t change anything talking about it will help. I’m realizing through typing this that’s probably not good advice and i have to try to pay more attention to the context of the situation before i say that. Maybe I do already though and don’t realize it. Next time someone says that to me I’ll have to just ask first if they’ve talked about it with anyone else. Knowing first hand how exhausting it is to talk about something you feel powerless over maybe I should stop trying to push for people to talk to me specifically. I always felt like I could give advice that the average person would not give in a lot of different situations but maybe I’m just giving myself too much credit. It’s disheartening to not be sure about where I stand in this...if I’m someone that people appreciate trying to give them a nudge to talk about the things they don’t want to or if it’s overbearing and results in them avoiding talking to me about these issues. I guess that’s what I get for being a skipping rock over the lake of life. Not delving into the depths of it results in this i guess. When you finally start thinking about it you’re just so unsure because of the lack of reflection it feels like there’s nothing to ground you. I think what my lifecoach would say here is to remind myself of my identity and work from there. idk though i’m having doubts. reminding myself of my identity won’t translate to people understanding my intentions and even if i have good intentions I can’t force someone to understand that. Everytime I try it just makes the situation 100x worse.

I don’t understand how after the points I made you still feel the same way. To me it felt like what it probably feels like to you when i’m stubborn about something. I was stubborn in this case too but it’s because i care about m and talked to her in that 1 year more than I’ve ever talked to anyone else in my life. she’s important to me and I know her intentions are always good even though you don’t see that even after i tried to explain it over and over it just got stale. I feel like it’s silly to decide what someone’s character is because of something so minuscule in the grand scheme of what makes up a whole ass being. just because you wouldn’t do it doesn’t make it wrong and doesn’t mean there’s betrayal. everyone has the right to do that because itw ould be impossible to not judge people based off of tiny actions but it bothers me so much. I get that it’s because you care about your friend and I care about mine too but I feel responsible for silently ruining a friendship through speaking to you about anything and I regret it so much because it feels you completely contorted the mood behind what was said and it had an everlasting effect on a friendship that lasted longer than we’ve both known each other. something that was meant to be lighthearted and funny was taken so literally and seriously because your defensive about your friend. IDK how else to say the message and the words we made fun of were too mutually exclusive things. it’s like every other time I’ve told you that was supposed to be light hearted or funny and you just get so mad over it. I know it would be silly to blame you for that it just feels like inadequacy on my part for not thinking about how you would react to these things before I say them in the tone I do. everytime i say this shit in a joking tone I feel like it makesyou even madder for belittling the situation that you take so seriously and it makes me not want to tell you things but i also know that’s not a solution either and will just push you away but idk how to handle this. I wish i never told you. it’s so frustrating man. idt you feel any guilt about it because you probably think it’s for a’s best interest but i disagree with you whole heartedly which is why I feel even more strongly about it because through you this friendship was eroded to probably at this point nonexistence. you still won’t get that these were too separate things. I haven’t felt you were straightup wrong in a very long time but i feel that with this. you took something the wrong way then transferred that already incorrect thinking to fuck another relationshp up. i know it was for her best interest in your eyes but i feel like after the context I gave it should’ve opened your eyes a bit more but you just double down on your thinking and it’s frustrating. a taste of my own medicine i guess lol. based on your logic making fun of a word in a message doesn’t constitute bad character..especially when like a said 5 times she called me out for what i said. like what more would you want someone to do in that situation lol. finding humor in emotionally charged situations is a main *mature* coping mechanism in psychology. that’s steering a little too far away from the point though i guess. making fun of an unconventional word someone uses in an emotionally charged message doesn’t translate to making fun of the person or the message. even if it’s not completely independent things that doesn’t mean the satire was malicious or with bad intentions. why would you expect her to think about what she’s saying as deeply as you did when it’s just an everyday conversation lol. ‘i just feel she’s a shitty person for doing that’ when she probably never even thought about the joke again. you can say she could’ve looked at it through anita’s eyes but it’s so fucking hard to do that at baseline I literally struggle with it every day but when this one person does it this one time with a situation that MOST people would probably not think to think that way....to you it’s just black and white she’s a shitty person with bad character. I knw you know that’s not true so why are you being so stubborn about it. i feel like another reaosn you don’t like her is because she was there for me during that time you were really struggling in and thought i wasn’t but like take that out on me not on her. it feels like you are just so much less understanding to any girl in my life and way too understanding with me. I wish it would just balance out a bit more but you’re not a robot. i don’ tknow i’m just upset with how you see this person that’s important to me and that i care about and it ruined a friendship that it shouldn’t have. if i didn’t tell you that one joke things would still be good between them and it’s over something so stupid. i get to you it’s not stupid but take into consideration the context of the conversation at the time not how you want her to feel about it given what you know bc she knew prob 5% of the details you know about our situation so if you should be mad at anyone it’s me not her.

#personal

heichou-in-da-house

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