Hard On Books

Irreverently Reviewing Erotic Fiction.

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"My throat goes dry and my panties are melting."

Marissa, Romance: My Mr. Sexy 1 (New Adult Office Romance)

Neither of those things did what I thought they would do.

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Reading: Close Liaisons

My next undertaking is Close Liaisons by Anna Zaires. This is my first sci-fi romance novel, so I'm expecting a lot from this book: Aliens, space battles, weird sexual proclivities, star registry purchases (naming a star after someone is SO romantic), different species fish out of water sex  ...all the sci-fi sex book tropes we've come to love. (Please note that I've spelled "come" correctly because I'm super classy)

In the near future, the Krinar rule the Earth. An advanced race from another galaxy, they are still a mystery to us - and we are completely at their mercy.

Shy and innocent, Mia Stalis is a college student in New York City who has led a very normal life. Like most people, she's never had any interactions with the invaders - until one fateful day in the park changes everything. Having caught Korum's eye, she must now contend with a powerful, dangerously seductive Krinar who wants to possess her and will stop at nothing to make her his own.How far would you go to regain your freedom? How much would you sacrifice to help your people? What choice will you make when you begin to fall for your enemy?

Out of the four erotic fiction books I've read I'm pretty sure three of the main women characters have been named Mia, so things seem to be in order! Also, I can't wait to read about the areas these Krinar are more "advanced" than, oh I don't know, human men. Lastly, "How far would you go to regain your freedom?" makes me sexually anxious.

Did you know "Krinar" is an anagram for "IR nark?" So, I'm expecting some infrared tattling to be going on.

The Kindle version of Close Liaisons is free on Amazon.

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Review: Lumberjack in Love

Sex, flannel, and plants! ...Also, wood. There's a fair amount of wood.

I did it! I finished the book. It was touch-and-go for a while there. I have a hard time finishing these books. I'm super jazzed to start but finishing is such sweet sorrow -Shakespeare  

  STORY

City lady and plant enthusiast Ami is leaving Boston and heading up to Vermont for her niece's birthday. But before she gets there she has to drop off a check for a birthday present being built by a local woodworker, lumberjack, and tall drink of water Marcus. Marcus is, of course, the titular lumberjack. At first Marcus is loathed to spend time with this wrong footwear wearing flatlander, BUT it all turns around when he realizes that he wants her. Sure they're constantly trading barbs, but it's all in good lust. And don't you worry reader this attraction is a two way street. Ami is used to soft city men but seeing a hairy man's man awakens something primal inside her (I assume, I might be editorializing). Not only is Marcus attractive he's also good at his job - building things with wood! After being attracted to and impressed by Marcus, Ami heads to her sister's and the love/hate will they/won't they Boston or Vermont story begins.

Turns out this is all the master plan of Ami's sister (name forgotten to time). The sister knows Ami's not in a great place. Her ex cheated on her with a younger woman who is also a Miss Something winner? Runner up? Contestant? (Props, Bro). And if that wasn't enough, they worked together and he took all the credit for the celebrated landscape design work SHE DID. Single and jobless Ami is not looking for new relationship (She would take a job though). The scars from the last are barely healed! And if she falls for this lumberjack she's not sure she wants to give up city life for Vermont life (like, death might be preferable to living in the hell on earth that is Vermont). My understanding of Ami's understanding of Vermont is that it is more wild than the west was when the west was the wild west. I've never been so who am I to say she's wrong.

Will sex and love make the bad coffee offering, poor wine choiced, nature surrounded, winter having, lawless land of Vermont the place Ami wants to be? You'll have to read to find out.

THOUGHTS

All in all it was a fine read. I was maybe a little light on the sex, at least compared to the other books I have read. Also, it could have been crazier. I'm used to sex dungeons, kidnappings, not quite rapes, and cake punching (not all of those things are great). Lumberjack in Love plays out like a nice PG-13 romantic comedy (depending on how graphic the sex scenes are). In less grounded hands Lumberjack in Love could've easily been about a murderous loner living in the woods who, unexpected to both parties, falls in love with his would-be victim. And for some reason she sees something in him worth overlooking all the murders. By the end they are killing together and they both get off on it like the sickos they are. ...Hold up, I might have a disgusting book to write.

STATS

Sex Scenes: 3 I believe

Number of Main Character's Sexual Partners: 1 (In this story. I'm not sure what the life total is. At least 2.)

Things Main Character Collected as a Child (if I had to guess): Garbage Pail Kids cards

Special Appearances by Neil Diamond: 0

OFFER TO THE AUTHOR (New Section)

To my knowledge there is no audiobook version of Lumberjack in Love. That should be remedied immediately. I would be more than happy to do the reading. Even though the book is from Ami's point of view I think a man reading could still work. Now, I don't go around offering to do audiobooks willy-nilly (No one is asking either), so this is a rare opportunity. Give it some thought. I'd even do it for free! (points on the back end)

ALMOST ARBITRARY RATING

Penny Watson on twiter

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Reading: Lumberjack in Love

I have started reading the Penny Watson classic Lumberjack in Love. (Please do not forget to dot the capital "J" with a pine cone whenever possible)

City slicker Ami Jordan was just dumped by her back-stabbing boyfriend, has no job prospects, and can't find a decent cup of coffee in the entire state of Vermont. The last thing she needs is a sexy, bearded lumberjack complicating her life. Even if he’s smart, talented, and has the hottest ass she’s ever seen.

First off, I don't care for the way she spells her name. I understand that it's her parents' doing but I'm going to take it out on her. Second, I don't think she's looking very hard for coffee. Isn't there a Vermont Coffee Company or something? Hold on ... Yes there is (for friends)! I bet they have, at the very least, decent coffee. Lastly, where is she in life that the LAST thing she needs is a smart, sexy, bearded, talented, and hot assed lumberjack? Amy Amy Amy what happened to you (besides your backstabbing boyfriend)? I think this lumberjack might be just what you need to take you mind off the past. I really hope you give him a chance.

PS, you guys

The Vermont Coffee Company has a free t-shirt deal going on if you buy 10 lbs. or more. Check 'em out!

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You guys, Hard On for the Holidays really got away from me and I'm sorry about that. One of these days I'll finish Holiday Bound and we'll all be happy it's behind us.

Until then, here's Fabio as a pirate.

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...and a firm ass she'd sacrifice her pension to hold just once.

Holiday Bound

..She's going to feel PRETTY stupid come retirement.

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He's a mean son of a bitch who doesn't want to do prison time. He likes to dish it out, but he's scared as hell at the thought of taking it.

Colin

...Just work talk ...Just super generic domestic violence counselor work talk.

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Reading: Holiday Bound

Hard On for the Holidays starts now! ...It's a thing I just made up where we all buy Christmas themed erotic novels for each other, or at least get one for yourself then read it.

I'm starting the erotic short, Ellora's Cave Presents: Ellora's Cave Quickies: Holiday Bound: White Hot Holidays by Jaci Burton. The only thing I know about it is that it has the worst cover I've seen so far. And based on the cover alone I assume pointsettias and fire play key roles in the story.

Domestic violence counselor Maria Perez is tired of being on the nice list. She wants to be naughty. When a letter to Santa falls into the hands of Detective Colin Maguire, the man who inspires her deepest, darkest fantasies, Colin sets out to make every one of Maria's kinky Christmas wishes come true.

Proving once again that all domestic violence counselors secretly get their rocks off to other people's tales of domestic woe.

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Review: Taken: A Novel

Lust fueled kidnapping with a happy ending? You bet!

You know how ladies like it when you take away their ability to choose, then fall in love with you because you're so good looking, all illegal wrong doings don't matter? This book does and throws it at you in spades.

STORY

Rachael, a twenty something (her exact age is said I just don't remember), is partying at a club and drinking drinks. When her roommate leaves with yet another guy she is left to fend for herself. It turns out Rachael is no good at defending herself because almost instantly she gets roofied and kidnapped to a deserted island.

Her kidnapper is Merrick Rocha, yes that Merrick Rocha, a thirty something CEO billionaire who video interviewed Rachael for her dream job a few days prior and she didn't recognize him in the club, so what's that about? She turned down the job because her dad died and she didn't want to move far away from her mom. A nice gesture, but live your life, Rachel, too soon you'll be pushing thirty and reviewing sex books on the internet. Take the job! 

Rachael wakes up tied to a bed in a strange place. Eventually she is told everything. She's on Turtle Tear Island, Merrick needs to change her mind, they're all alone, and there's no way off. The island is home to a rundown hotel. A hotel she would help restore if she took the job. Merrick apologizes for KIDNAPPING HER and the courtship begins. Rachael wants to be with him but she doesn't know if she can trust him ...because he KIDNAPPED HER.

THOUGHTS

I have never called myself a feminist even though I'm pretty sure I am, Semper Fi! Having a lady overlook kidnapping for a very attractive man seems like a step in the wrong direction. But, these books are written by and for women, so who am I to say what they think is wrong and what they want? I'm no Mel Gibson. Also, at the end she gets a pretty good job. Is she making only making 70 cents to a man's dollar? Only Merrick knows and he's not telling.

If your're into food based almost sex, this is for you. I don't think they ever ate a full meal without it turning into fooling around, and one time Merrick punched a cake. 

All in all I'd say Taken is too long and not worth the time it took to read it. I didn't hate it, but these books are not for me and this one was more not for me than Little Red Riding Crop. Having read a short and a long, I'd have to say somewhere near 100 pages is the sweet spot for erotic novels. 

For people that would like to continue the story with Rachael and Merrick there is a  sequel, No Take Backs. I don't see myself reading it.

STATS 

Sex Scenes: 2 full on sex. 4 to 7 hand mouth stuff.

Number of Main Character's Sexual Partners: 2

Book on Rachael's nightstand (If I had to guess): Flannery O'Connor's A Good Man is Hard to Find (And Other Stories)

Dance Numbers: 0

RATING

 (I'm being harsh)

Taken: A Novel on Amazon

Author Kelli Maine on Twitter

My Editor Dan Huffman on Twitter

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Taken Down

Guys, I finally finished Taken: A Novel.

Remember when I said erotic shorts are for babies? 

"For my second erotical fictional undertaking I’m going to read a proper book. No more shorts! Erotic shorts are for babies."

I was wrong! Erotic novels are for crazy people. I mean, it had an epilogue like it was a real book or something!

Anyway review should be up soonish.

xoxo

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Of course I want to go to the mall. I'll be by in a few to pick you up"

Shannon, Taken

...Women just write better women characters.

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Kiss me you like you mean it.

Rachael, Taken

...I wish she said "Kiss me like a stranger" because it makes me think of that book, Kiss Me Like A Stranger by Gene Wilder. ...Guys, read Kiss Me Like A Stranger, it's nuts, also great.

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You reach in the basket, come out with a handful of chocolate cake and throw it against the side of the tree house. "Fuck".

Merrick, Taken

...Man, this guy really hates chocolate cake ...or tree houses.

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Our lips and tongues brush between pants and ecstasy.

Taken

...Where can I buy a pair? ...of those tongue-brush pants.

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I want to hear you say it. What do you call it, Rachael?

Merrick, on vaginas, Taken

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I ache for your hands to knead my breasts like they are my hips...

Rachael, Taken

...I bet you didn't you know the hips are the most erogenous organ in a lady's body.

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I open my mouth, and you slide your fork inside. I close my lips around the tines and let my eyes fall shut savoring the taste.

Rachael, Taken

...Guys, this is seriously sexiest thing to happen so far.