♡.

under co.

[hargitay]

i want to write again but there would need to be so much revamping on this page and idk codes anymore i'm so old lol i'd probably just keep my sophia bush muse and maybe one more if people would even write with me haha

[hargitay]

rosie + mariah

Rosie almost smiled a little bit at the surprise on Mariah’s face. Not that it was funny, but there was something about it that just warmed her heart a little bit. As much as she was trying to be stern right now, she knew what Mariah was like. Always pushing people away, afraid that they were going to leave her, determined to end things before she could be abandoned. She probably expected Rosie to do the same. For a while now, Rosie had suspected that her girlfriend was trying to push her away as some sort of test, just to see if she was going to give up on her. She would be lying if she said it wasn’t hard sometimes. That she wasn’t sometimes tempted to just throw her hands up in the air and say ‘fuck it, I’ve done all I can’. But she just couldn’t do that. She saw the other side to Mariah, the softer side. The side that needed someone to be there for her and support her, even if she tried so hard to hide that.

“Mariah…”, she let out a frustrated little sigh. It wasn’t even so much Mariah she was frustrated with, but herself. Herself, for getting soft again and giving her girlfriend another chance to possibly break her heart. But what was she supposed to do? She couldn’t abandon Mariah. Never. Especially not now, in a moment where she clearly needed her. “Yes. Of course I want you to come home. But…no more pills. You have to get help again”, she added, knowing all too well that another relapse was pretty much inevitable if Mariah didn’t get some real help. Professional help. Rosie could only assist her up to a point. 

As Mariah stood there, sniffling and apologizing, Rosie’s nurturing instincts kicked in and she found herself moving in closer and slowly wrapping both arms around her. She let out another soft sigh as she ran her hands down Mariah’s back, taking in her apology and trying her best not to hold it against her too much. Addiction was a disease. She needed to remember that. “I know…I know, baby…”, she mumbled wistfully, her heart breaking for Mariah a little bit when she heard the broken tone in her voice. When she eventually pulled back, Rosie placed a hand against Mariah’s cheek and looked her right in the eye. “Just…promise me that you’ll come to me next time. Please. I can’t…I can’t go through this again with you.”

Mariah quickly nodded to Rosie’s condition of getting help again. She needed it, she knew she needed it. Especially when it came to how much this was clearly hurting the one person in the world she cared about. “Okay, I’ll get help, I will,” she managed to get out. She was incredibly uncomfortable crying in front of people, even Rosie. There were many times that Mariah would go shower just so she could hide the fact she wasn’t doing well, not that the water would account for her puffy eyes after but to Mariah it felt easier than breaking down in front of someone else. Of appearing not-put-together, of appearing weak. It didn’t matter how many times someone told her that crying didn’t make her weak, that needing support did not make her weak, she still heard her mother’s voice in her head telling her to stand tall, strong, and never need anything from anyone. So the current situation, where she stood in the middle of the street as people walked by, and Rosie stared, and she was simply crying - it was completely out of her comfort zone. 

Mariah sunk into Rosie’s arms the minute she felt them wrapped around her. They were safe, they were warm. Despite how badly Mariah knew that she fucked up, that she did not deserve this gesture of kindness from her, she couldn’t help but be so incredibly thankful for it. Mariah’s finger tips curled into the fabric that covered Rosie’s torso, her face was tucked into Rosie’s neck and the tears continued to come. She could not help but wonder why she thought any pill or high could be more soothing than the arms of the woman she loved. She couldn’t help but question why she kept trying to ruin the one good thing in her life, that she wasn’t doing what it took to prove to the incredible woman in front of her that Mariah was someone worthy of being with. She She wondered why she did what she did. Help, professional help, was what she needed. Rosie was correct there. 

Sad, puffed eyes looked over Rosie’s face, her own head ever-so-slightly leaning into her girlfriend’s hand. Her eyes closed for a moment, nodding to her words before opening them again. “I wanted to... I want to come this time and I don’t know why I couldn’t bring myself to. I know I can trust you and I know that you care... I just-” she paused, letting out a sigh as she revealed something she knew only gave a small glimpse to her negative view of the world and more specifically, herself, “I just didn’t want to burden you with my shit.” She took in a shaky breath, “I’m so sorry I did this to you. I won’t do it again.”

[hargitay]

rosie + mariah

Rosie almost scoffed when Mariah looked away from her. It was such a small gesture, but the fact that she did this and now wasn’t even able to look her in the eye proved to her that she knew how fucked up it was. As she watched her girlfriend and listened to her trying to explain why she’d done this, she was nearly torn apart by inner conflict. Whenever she looked at Mariah she saw the woman she loved, and yet she was so angry at her. For not coming to her and asking for help. For risking their relationship yet again. She silently wondered if she had some kind of hand in this too. Was she not supportive enough? Had she missed the signs? What was it about her that made Mariah run to the drugs, even after all this time? But deep down she knew it had nothing to do with her. She almost wished that it did. At least then she might have some control over the situation, some way to influence it. But this…she never even saw it coming. Mariah was so damn good at hiding her emotions. 

Despite her anger, Rosie’s heart softened a little bit when she saw the tears in Mariah’s eyes. She knew how hard it was for her to cry, especially in front of others. To be vulnerable in that way. She had to remind herself that this was Mariah’s own doing. Rosie would have been there for her, if she’d just said something. God, why didn’t she say anything? Rosie allowed herself a moment of relief when her girlfriend finally handed over the pills, but she wouldn’t let her guard down completely. She saw the hesitation in Mariah’s eyes. And she had no idea if there were any more pills stashed away somewhere. As soon as they were in her hand though, she quickly stuffed them down her own pocket. She would throw them away later, somewhere far away where Mariah would never, ever find them again. Maybe then she could pretend for a moment that Mariah had no way of getting more.

Rosie glared at her girlfriend when she told her she was sorry. “You should be.” Harsh, and she knew it too, but how else was she supposed to get through to her? Part of her wanted to run to Mariah, take her into her arms and tell her that it was okay. That all she needed to do was just get clean again, and they would be alright. They could start over. But this was a severe breach of trust. A small, stressed out sigh left her as they both stood there on the streets in silence, neither one knowing what to say. Even though they’d been through this before, Rosie still didn’t know how to navigate the situation. “Good Lord…so, are you finally coming home or what?”

Mariah felt her body flinch involuntarily at the harshness from Rosie’s tone. Mariah was well aware that she deserved the harshness. That one sorry wasn’t going to fix how big she had fucked up. Still, it made her flinch. Maybe because her walls were already down, she was already in a vulnerable position and she was not great at hiding things in those moments. Mariah spent much of her life being yelled at, whether it was by the people around her personally or at work, she had gotten used to it. Rosie was the first person Mariah had let past her wall since her former fiancee had died. There was not a day that Mariah had regretted this. She had thought for years that she would never feel for someone the way she had felt for anna. Perhaps this fact was partially why Mariah kept pushing Rosie away. Getting that attached to someone, knowing eventually they would leave, hurt. It hurt less if you were the one to push them away in the first place. If the control was in Mariah’s hands this time, maybe she could survive it-- cause if this incident, or the years of drug abuse following Anna’s death, showed anything it was that Mariah was barely surviving already. 

Mariah’s eyes shot up from the ground, a look of pure confusion and surprise apparent through the brim of tears. “Hom-- You’re going to let me come home?” She assumed this was it. That Rosie was done, that she had pushed her away by breaking the thin ice she already stood on. A few tears dropped down her pale cheeks, to which she quickly wiped away with trembling hands, “Y-yeah, if you’re okay with that, I want to come home.” 

The longer she looked over the details of Rosie’s face, the more her heart hurt at the realization of what she had done to her. For so long, Mariah’s drug use had really only affected her, because she was alone and she was okay with that. Now? Now she wasn’t alone and as much as she wanted to pretend the last couple days that she was alone in this and that no one cared, she couldn’t. Definitely now, as she looked at Rosie, she couldn’t. Tears found their way down her cheeks again, at a faster speed. She continued to try to wipe them away, mumbling “I’m sorry’s” in response to the crying as she did. She wasn’t sure if there was anything she could do to fix this, to regain trust. “I don’t... I don’t know why I didn’t just come to you. I don’t-- I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

[hargitay]

stacie + kristie

“because it’s been a year kris! we’ve been separated for a year and nothing has changed over that time. that doesn’t mean you get to doubt my love for you but when it’s been a year of limbo, divorce is the logical next step.” stacie had tried before that point but it had always been delayed and it wasn’t fair to either of them. “this isn’t fair to us or the kids.” stacie desperately wanted to reach out and comfort her wife in some way but she also didn’t want to be rejected so she stayed where she was. putting on a brave face was something she was good at, which was probably one of the reasons why they were separated. “i don’t think anyone is ever ready for something like this,” she started to explain, her gaze never leaving her wife’s. “you know as well as i do that we couldn’t carry on the way we were. pulling away from each other, arguing with each other and the worst part was the fact that the kids often heard….i couldn’t live with myself knowing that they were sad because of what was happening with us. can you really tell me that you were happy with the way our marriage was?” 

“who gives a crap about logic right now? you accidentally light a napkin on fire, logic says you pour water on it to put it out. you need to have a roof over your head, logically you get a job to pay for it. rylie gets her heart broken we logically buy ice cream and let her cry in our arms. those situations require logic. breaking up two decades worth of love simply because whatever logic out there says the next step is divorce, is not when we listen to it. there are other steps we could try. there are other things we can do. counseling, you can move back in here and we can try to figure our shit out. being apart is just pulling us further apart and i refuse to believe that just because our marriage is hitting a rough patch that we cant get back to where we were before and that our only logical step is to divorce,” her voice broke as she set the water bottle down on the counter and brought her hands up to her face that was flush and damp with tears now. kristie moved around the counter to step closer to stacie, “i can’t live with myself if i sign those papers and let you walk out of my life when i still am utterly in love with you and so are our kids.” 

[hargitay]

stacie + kristie

the slight raise of kristie’s voice caught her off guard, especially when she was used to what could only be described as the complete opposite. it was clear there was a lot of pent up emotion from the both of them, things that probably should have been spoken about before they got to that point. “you really think seventeen years of being married to you meant nothing to me? are you fucking serious?” seventeen years and kristie thought that their marriage meant nothing to her…seventeen years  of ‘i love you’s’ and finding whatever time they could to be together when the kids were asleep or somewhere else and kristie was making it sound as if it had all been a lie on stacie’s part. “if you don’t know that you were my everything then clearly i was doing something wrong,” she spoke, while following kristie through to the kitchen. “do you think this is easy for me? maybe you think i’m some kind of emotional bitch but it’s not. you’re all i’ve known for two decades and now you think that meant nothing to me? you’re the love of my life, the mother of my kids….you will always mean more than you know, even if you want to believe otherwise.”

“WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK?” kristie responded, voice catching from the pure force of emotion behind her words. grabbing a water bottle from the fridge she slowly turned around to face stacie. “if i am the love of your life in the same way you are the absolute love of mine, why are you bringing me the papers? why are you asking me to sign them?” kristie had always hated this part of herself. the part where tears came like a force of nature no matter how hard she tried to push them away. she remembered nights laying in bed, trying to remind herself that it was a gift that she cared so much and so deeply about people. moments like these reminded her of how much she hated it, how much she wished she could get through something without feeling like she was going to fall apart because her heart worked too hard. lifting her hands to wipe away a few that had fallen, “i’m not ready to say goodbye to us and i just don’t-- how come you are?” 

[hargitay]

open to females | must be 40+

“it’s not that simple for me!” her voice raised slightly, which was not like the blonde woman. the woman who was docile and sweet, who stumbled over her words often, who though mighty inside often was viewed as a mouse. “it’s not just a signature to me. to me it means that our life together is over. to me it means that our 17 years of marriage meant nothing to you. so no, i can’t just sign it like i’m signing our kid’s permission slips for school” her hand raised, wiping away the tears that had dropped. turning from her wife, she moved towards the kitchen to grab some water. thankfully their kids were both away at friends homes for sleepovers, the only thing that wold have made this moment worse would be to know their kids were listening to the whole argument. not that this was the first time they’ve had it, separated for nearly a year and it had been months of kristie stalling the dissolution of their marriage by refusing to sign anything.

[hargitay]

andy + mariah

Andy didn’t know how Mariah ran in the mornings. It baffled the woman since the day she met her. And she had gone a handful of times but usually ended up tapping out about halfway through the morning run. “Mornin’,” she smiled at Mariah as she came in the, heading for the freezer immediately. “I keep askin’ myself the same thing. Honestly, you’re a mad woman for running all those miles.”

Pulling her head out of the freezer and shutting the door, she brought her water bottle to her lips and took a drink as she walked towards Andy. “A mad woman who somehow you still learned to love?” She kinked her eyebrow up, a smirk playing across her face as she stopped just in front of her. “I think you should join me in training for the next marathon though. We could be the crazy running couple that all of the town stares at in awe,” she was clearly playing around, not expecting andy to join her - though pleased if she would. Leaning in she placed a soft kiss to Andy’s cheek, “Or you can just keep helping me stretch before hand.” Pulling away with a small wink as she headed towards their bedroom, “I’m gonna shower.”

[hargitay]

open to females | muse must be 45+

     There was no denying that her job was demanding. On call every day, working 12+ hour shifts and then carrying her case files back home with her. It was Ryan’s calling, however. She had been in the unit for nearly 20 years. She’d seen people come and go, scarred by what she encountered every day. She couldn’t blame the ones who left, she had considered it many times. The clock struck midnight as she pulled into her garage, climbing out with an armful of paperwork. She had to cancel on her friend-thing… earlier. Unestablished labels between the two women made it easier for Ryan to handle. A relationship required a lot of time– she didn’t have that. A friend-thing required as much time as she was able to give.       Walking into the rarely used loft apartment she was struck by the sight of the woman cooking in her kitchen. Instantly her stomach rumbled, When was the last time I ate? she questioned herself, remembering the half gone granola bar form breakfast was probably still sitting by her now cold coffee on her desk. Many hours ago. “What are you doing here?” a coy smile crossing her face as files were set down on the table, “Breaking and entering is a crime y’know?” She was exhausted, but it rolled off her shoulders at the sight of the woman.

[hargitay]

rosie + mariah

Whilte Mariah’s answer wasn’t really an answer, it spoke volumes. It didn’t matter anyway. Rosie saw her take those pills. Those pills that she wasn’t supposed to touch anymore, ever again. What the hell was she thinking? It was a strange feeling, looking at the woman she loved and not understanding her actions one bit. It didn’t make sense to her. Yes, things were a little rough lately but was it worth jeopardizing her sobriety? Many times, Rosie had been jealous of the drugs. Not because she wanted to use them too, but because they seemed to hold Mariah’s attention even when she was trying to actively stay away from them. They had such a hold on her, and yet they were ruining her. The attraction was unfathomable to Rosie. 

“I called one of your friends. She said you might be here”, Rosie answered flatly, trying to keep herself together. It wasn’t working. It didn’t help either that the ‘friend’ she called was also an addict and had been a last resort, because she was under the impression Mariah hadn’t talked to her in months. She was supposed to break ties with people who were still in the middle of their addiction, because they would only trigger her. Rosie waited for an explanation, even though she knew there wasn’t an explanation in the world Mariah could give that would satisfy her. Angry tears brimmed in her eyes as she listened to her girlfriend’s half-assed apology, followed by a change of subject. “You should have called me? You shouldn’t be here in the first place, Mariah!”, she shouted, unintentionally attracting some attention from the other people on the street. 

“You said you were done with this crap! You said that, you said you wanted it to be better now!” Her voice cracked as she yelled at her girlfriend, something she would probably regret later. It was hard to look past her anger at the moment, though. She knew relapses were part of the disease of addiction, but this was so unexpected and so damn hurtful. It was selfish. “You should have come to me. You should’ve come to me and told me how you were feeling instead of using this- this- garbage!” Her hands moved in front of her while she spoke, almost as if she wanted to reach out and shake Mariah by the shoulders. She knew though. She knew it wouldn’t do any good. “Give me the pills”, she demanded, hastily wiping away her tears and holding out her hand. She knew there had to be more, and she knew she had to get that shit away from Mariah as soon as possible. 

When it came to Mariah, asking for help was unknown territory. The woman who prided herself on being independent, on having grown up with absent parents who became even more absent when she came out. During one of her stents in rehab, her therapist had mentioned that Mariah’s extreme independence was a response to trauma. Mariah didn’t believe a word that provider said, until maybe this moment. As she stood in the middle of the street, looking at a woman whom she loved --though, had a tough time showing it-- cry over her actions. Over Mariah’s inability to say, ‘I’m not okay, things don’t feel fine and I could use some support’. 

Mariah’s eyes drifted from Rosie to the people who were staring, to which she harshly spat towards them “Mind your own fucking business”. Her eyes dropped to the ground again, arm running up to wipe at her sniffling nose, half from stifling the tears that were welling in her eyes. “I do want to be better,” she mumbled, “Or I did. I don’t know. It’s just fucking--” Her voice cracked, taking an inhale to try and force words out, “I know I shouldn’t be here, okay? I know I shouldn’t but I-” She wanted to fling out excuses, try to make sense of this relapse. Of the betrayal that Rosie probably felt in this moment, but she couldn’t think of one. She didn’t want to minimize what had happened. If she did that, she knew she’d never hand over the pills again. If she started justifying her actions, she’d fall quickly back into who she was prior to Rosie. Prior to getting clean. 

“No buts,” she paused, swallowing the lump in her throat as a few tears dropped down her face, “I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have done this to you or myself.” Her hand shook as she dug into all of her pockets, pulling out the remaining pills she had and putting them into Rosie’s hand. There was hesitation prior to letting the pills drop from her ownership. Mariah’s eyes shot up to connect with Rosie’s for a moment, fear in her own. Her mind had already told her that Rosie was leaving. The question now was, is it in this moment or was it going to be tomorrow morning? “I- I’m sorry.”

[hargitay]

closed starter for @hcneyjar​

mariah was drenched in sweat as she came back into their home from her morning run. fall weather in the south was a welcome change from summer running, but as she got closer to her next marathon the miles increased and weather changes became obsolete after the first couple miles. “hey babe,” she noted, taking her air pods out and setting her phone and them down on the counter before opening the freezer and sticking her head in to cool down for a moment. “why do i keep doing this to myself?” she chuckled, a rhetorical question not necessarily aimed at anyone to answer. 

[hargitay]

my therapist says i should try and get back into things that used to bring me comfort and that weren’t self destructive so... i’m gonna try and write on here again. i’m dropping old threads because it’s been so long ( i’m so sorry ). i’ll post some new starts but go ahead and like this for me to look at your opens ( + please try to be patient with me ). 

[tenderstars]

ren-writes​:

Everyone I RP with deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for not killing me when I don’t reply for like a month

[hargitay]

kindred + abbie

“oh no?” kindred asked somewhat dejectedly as the other woman told her that she wouldn’t need help cleaning up. had she been too forward, too clingy? in the past kindred had been told that she was too clingy for some and that’s why they had broken up with her. she was really hoping that this wasn’t going to be the case with abbie either. biting her bottom lip, kindred tried to hide her disappointment and shrugged her shoulders. “sure uh, fine. i could just wait until you’re finished instead? keep you company.” kindred rambled a bit as she was somewhat drunk and tended to talk a lot when she was. she was probably making a fool out of herself. “hey um, i didn’t do something wrong, did i?” she asked taking a deep breath not knowing if she really wanted to know the answer to the question she’d just asked.

abigail steere. the town mystery. showed up one day out of the blue. rented a place to live and a place to build her bar. she couldn’t even tell you what drew her to the town in the first place, but she had chosen it and had stayed. she’d been here for nearly 15 years now and not one person knew of her past. no one knew what she was like when she was alone, her hobbies, her family, nothing. she was the stranger that everyone knew of. if people knew one thing about her though, it was the women she’d left wondering why. it was her typical pattern. she’d start sleeping with someone, she’d start to catch feelings and she would end things before the other found out too much about her. wasn’t like she was hiding anything bad, she just preferred it that way. kindred was a tough one though, abbie was having a rough time letting this go. not because the other was clinging onto her, but because abbie was finding herself unable to fully detach the two. a small sigh left her lips as she dried off a freshly washed glass to put back in the freezer for frosties tomorrow, “no... babygirl, you’ve done nothing wrong.” her words were soft, teeth biting down on her bottom lip for a moment as she reached for another glass to dry off, “it’s just a me thing. which sounds like bullshit it’s not you it’s me, but really it is me. i’m sure my reputation can attest to that.” 

[hargitay]

bianca + abbie

bianca had a tendency to be naive when it came to matters of the heart - however she knows someone is distancing themselves from her when she sees it. it had been so long since she allowed herself to be this way with someone, the fear of the inevitable heartbreak causing the educator to close herself off to seemingly any and all opportunities to be happy. she exhales at the decline of her offer, face falling a bit when she realizes that she pushed too much too fast. abbie had always had a veil of mystery that coated her, one bianca was intrigued and excited to push through. but it was clear that she had pushed a boundary. but unlike her, however, she wanted to fight for it. she had spent too many nights aside the other, consumed in complete and utter bliss. if anyone was responsible for her newfound backbone, it was the woman stood across the bar from her. abbie helped her add some bark to her bite - and what better way to apply something you’ve learned than by putting it into action? she offers an apologetic nod though it doesn’t stop her from getting up from her seat and rounding the end of the bar, joining abbie on the other side. while the other woman was turned, an arm secures around her waist, lips finding a familiar home against the soft flesh of her shoulder. “but i want to,” she hums, her fingertips trailing gently beneath the other’s top, feeling at the soft flesh she’d been yearning for since they were last like this. “and i want you.” 

abbie tried her best to not pay attention to whatever bianca chose to do when she told her to leave. part of her wanted the other to stay, the other part of her wanted her to leave but didn’t want to watch her walk out. abbie put up walls all the time, it was what she was known for. she didn’t have close friends. no one knew of her family. she had shown up in the town, started a business and no one knew mucha bout her other than she was the bar owner down the street. she liked it that way. letting another get close to her was unanticipated territory. it wasn’t until hands slipped around her waist as she was setting dirty glasses in the sink when she realized the other hadn’t left. the little flip her heart did was not settling to her mind. goosebumps spread down her skin, starting from the lips on her shoulder. the logical part of her brain told her to pull away. that part didn’t appear to be winning at the moment as her feel stay planted. “you don’t want me, love,” she hummed. head tilting to the side, “and i know you certainly weren’t looking to clean up after drunk townies in a bar tonight either.” 

[hargitay]

adrienne + abbie

she’d been a regular at the bar that abbie owned, she enjoyed the atmosphere, and the fact she could get a drink and be noticed by anyone. everyone was discreet and she had taken a liking at how it felt to be treated as a human being and not some idol on a pedestal. adrienne soon met her, a woman she couldn’t keep her eyes off of, and after getting to know her along with a few nights in her bed. she wanted a little bit more than what abbie was able to give and when she started to distance herself, it broke the blonde’s heart. “but i want to, darling.” her english accent thick as she approached the other, her blue eyes bore into the brunette’s, and a hand touch her risk. she still wanted her, she missed her, and how she tasted. “let me stay.”

“nobody wants to clean up after a bunch of drunk bikers and townies on a friday night,” abbie noted with a small hint of playfulness to her voice. lips pressed together with a small smirk, eyes shifting down to the hand on her. even the smallest touch from the other sent goosebumps over her skin. that was part of the problem. she was becoming entirely too invested, entirely too hooked on adrienne. no one got close to abbie. not as a friend and certainly not as more than that. reluctantly she pulled away from the touch, moving to grab some empty beer glasses from the bar and setting them in the sink to wash, “what’s your real motive behind this?” she asked, a gentle bluntness to her question. 

[hargitay]

nadia + azra

Nadia listened intently to Azra, though the words were often hard to hear over the sobs leaving her little sister’s body. In twenty something odd years, Nadia had never seen Azra break down quite like this. It was uncharted territory for the eldest daughter. With one hand still one Azra’s legs, her lips parted at the news of Azra actually partaking in affairs with men that called themselves Sugar Daddies. She had heard of the notion, though she had never done much research herself. For the last six years at least, she had Ricky. And her son. There was no reason. It’s not that Nadia didn’t understand where Azra was coming from or why she did it but she wished that her sister would have come to the family for help instead. “Azra,” she breathed her name, feeling the tears starting to well in her own eyes. She didn’t know what her sister was feeling but there was a growing pit in her stomach as it clenched tightly with the images of her sister being subjected to disgusting men. Hearing her sister say those words still did not sit right with her. It never would. “You are strong, Azra. You made mistakes. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel,” Nadia swallowed hard, “but you are here with your family now. Your daughter, in the same town, you can get the help you need.” And she certainly hoped that Azra would never be put in a position with a gun again. “You have me, you have mom and dad. You know they’d give anything for you. We all would. Ricky, too.”

Being back didn’t seem like it was going to make anything better. She thought maybe if she was with her sister she’d find peace again. Yet, she had missed so much of her sister’s life over the last four years. She had missed so much of everyone’s life. She wasn’t the same, no one else was the same. Azra moved, curling up into Nadia the best she could as the tears continued to escape her. She felt alone, even in this moment as Nadia listed off the family that she did have. Even with Nadia being there in that moment. She felt entirely alone. “I don’t want help,” she managed to muster up. “I just want it all to end. I just want-” to not wake up? To actively attempt? She wasn’t sure. Both were true to an extent. “I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere Nadia and I don’t know if anything is going to ever change that.” 

[hargitay]

leah + natzeli

Leah hated the situation that was in front of her. Light throbbing was beginning to pulse along her temples. She pressed her fingers to dull the oncoming pain, though there would be nothing to heal the breaks in her heart over this. Leah knew that it was stupid - to see two people at once but neither of them ever had talks of exclusive dating and well, she got swept up. Swept up in how amazing and talented and goddamn beautiful Zeli was. And Ace? Well, he was a bad habit that she couldn’t seem to break. No matter how many times she tried over the last few years. She simply kept falling into his sheets after a few drinks. “I- I, Zeli,” Leah shook her head, “I really am sorry, I -I didn’t mean for any of this,” Leah fell short in explanation. Even if she didn’t mean for the feelings to happen, they were there. “I’ll just see myself out.” She ducked her gaze, chewing on her bottom lip a moment before she turned on her heel to head toward the door as she grabbed her bag. 

“We all do shit that ends up one way that we didn’t mean it to,” Zeli noted with a shrug of her shoulders. Taking another drag of her cigarette and blowing the smoke outside before turning her head to look back in at Leah. Her heart ached when Leah said she would see herself out. Was she really back to the naive side of her that believed the other person would fight to stay with her? Would even want to stay with her? Yeah, Zeli was the one who ended stuff a majority of the time, her own therapist used to say that it was because she was scared of people leaving her. Zeli would argue whether it was an actual fear if every time she showed her heart others went running. It was realistic to her. Still, there was a look of pain that crossed her face as she let out a sad, half chuckle and dropped her head down. “Yeah, you can see yourself out,” she shrugged. Taking another drag of her cigarette as she walked fully out on her back deck and slid the door behind her closed with her foot. She wasn’t going to let Leah see how sad her irrational brain was making her.