I’ve often wondered what it was like to watch The Phantom Menace in the cinema. Sitting down after so much build up, only to face two hours of VFX fetishism, awkward dialogue and downright bad filmmaking. At what point would people realise? Would they simply marvel in the spectacle and ignore the flaws? Or would they head home sadly, wondering what went wrong?
I think The Last Jedi is the closest I will ever get to that experience.
That isn’t to say that Rian Johnson’s first foray into the Star Wars universe is as bad as The Phantom Menace, or any of the prequels for that matter. It’s just not an especially good film either.
Stranger Things has become somewhat of a cultural phenomenon, at least amongst a certain audience. For those unaware, the Netflix original series was first released in the summer of 2016, and was met with both critical and public adoration. Consequently, the show was commissioned for a second season, released October 2017, and with at least two more seasons planned. It seems the show’s creators The Duffer Brothers have struck gold. But is it any good?
The answer to this question is, to put it simply, yes.
I’m in an abusive relationship with Marvel films. And make no mistake, Thor: Ragnarok is a Marvel film. Not just a Thor film, nor a Taika Waititi film, but a Marvel film.
There’s a cycle, see. Just when I think I’m done with superheroes, a new film gets a trailer and suddenly I’m sucked back in. “You’re not done!” shouts my subconscious, “Spider-man: Homecoming is a John Hughes-esque teen movie!” “Have you seen the gorgeous colours in the new Guardians of the Galaxy?” And then I watch the film. And I enjoy it. But am ultimately disappointed, when the new and exciting thing is not quite as prevalent as I had hoped, and I go home a little more jaded with superhero films. That is, until the next trailer.
For Thor: Ragnarok, the unique quirk is its director. Taika Waititi’s is somewhat of a emerging talent, yet to put a foot wrong, especially after last year’s phenomenal Hunt for the Wilderpeople (it’s on Netflix right now, watch it). And though Thor feels just as fun as his previous work, it is nowhere near as tight or polished.
We open with Thor (Chris Hemsworth) performing a monologue to a skeleton in a darkened hellscape. After a fight with the bringer of the apocalypse and his various CGI minions to Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song, the God of Thunder returns home, to warn his father about his nightmares of ‘Ragnarok’, the prophesised fall of Asgard. It is here that he finds that his brother, Loki (Tom Hiddleston), has usurped the throne and exiled Odin to Earth. After a brief encounter with Dr. Strange, the brothers fight and escape from Hela, the newly reawakened Goddess of Death (Cate Blanchett), leaving Thor on Sakaar, a planet littered with the lost and forgotten items of the universe. It is here that he must fight as a gladiator, in order to earn the respect of his captors, Valkyrie (Tessa Thompson) and Grandmaster (Jeff Goldblum), and gain his freedom so that he can save his home.
That was my attempt at a brief summary of the film’s first act, and if it seems like a lot to take in, that’s because it is. The script is cluttered, cutting between Hela’s conquest of Asgard and Thor’s time on Sakaar. It’s the latter part that contains the best bits of the film, whether that be Jeff Goldblum’s wonderful performance as a fantasy dictator with a passion for DJ-ing, or Korg, an alien made of rocks voiced by Taika Waititi himself.
Thor: Ragnarok shines with its characters and its comedy. Taika Waititi is an expert at all things funny, whether that be dialogue and delivery or visual comedy. The audience in my screening exploded with laughter every other line. That is, until it cut back to Hela, and the pace slowed down painfully. That said, the actors all shared a wonderful chemistry, and played off each other exceedingly well. They looked like they were enjoying themselves, and it’s this sense of fun that oozes from every frame.
All in all, Thor: Ragnarok is immensely funny and the best Thor film to date. It excels when it breaks from traditional Marvel fare, but is held back by a mediocre script and the traditional Marvel trappings. It’s certainly worth a watch, but not a scratch on Taika’s other films.
The Terrible, Terrible Secrets of The Nightmare before Christmas
The Nightmare Before Christmas is lying to you. It claims to be Tim Burton’s creation, when he didn’t even direct it. No. All Burton did was do a bit of writing based on someone else’s idea. It’s not original. It’s glorified fanfiction. It’s a lie. Strike one.
The Nightmare Before Christmas is also lying to you about something else. Something dark. Darker even than the wannabe-edgelord™ HotTopic-shopping audience that it has naturally attracted. You see, The Nightmare Before Christmas is subtly oppressing you and your children, restricting your ability to rebel and funnelling you into the capitalist machine.
To fairly analyse the film in this way means first unravelling its internal logic. We are introduced to a world where seven seemingly-arbitrarily chosen white American holidays are run by magical towns. Each of these towns (Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentines, St. Patricks, Easter and Independence) are utterly subservient to the human world; they exist only to appease the population on their one specific day, and any refusal has disastrous consequences.
The towns all appear to have a similar power structure, with the roles of the proletariat masses dictated by some superior authority, whether that be Santa in Christmas town, Jack in Halloween town, or, presumably, Will Smith in Independence Day town. That said, exact nature of Jack’s authority is never full addressed in the film; he is named, “The Pumpkin King”, or “King of the Pumpkin Patch”, implying some sort of monarchy, however a hereditary system seems unlikely given that multitudes of the residents of the town, Jack included, are, well, dead. Instead, his title appears to have been earned, which raises the question of democracy. If Jack was appointed ‘King’ by vote, then what is the purpose of the Mayor? He was elected, yet appears to have no real power, and has to ask Jack for permission to do anything of use.
This appears to be quite a peculiar conceit; why would any civilization with its own internal hierarchal structure condemn themselves to a life of mere servitude? The answer is simple. If they don’t, they cease to exist. It’s a shocking conclusion, and one only possible with a bit of research on the official Nightmare Before Christmas wiki, but does explain a great deal about the lore of the movie. The key lies with arguably the most tragic character – Oogie Boogie. For those who aren’t well-versed in NBC canon, Oogie was originally the star of his own holiday – Bug Day. But for some reason, the humans didn’t want to celebrate a day based around creepy crawlies, so, well, stopped. Which meant that Bug Day town also, well, stopped. To escape his fate of literally not existing, Oogie escaped to Halloween town. Everything else relating to Bug Day is gone. Forever.
So what we have is a multi-tiered dilemma. The proletariat serve the bourgeois, who in turn, serve a higher power that hold the power of life itself. The characters are all trapped by this system, and ultimately, the message of the film is to accept that. Oh, you hadn’t realised? Yes, by far the greatest sin of The Nightmare Before Christmas is its complete and utter refusal to challenge the establishment.
Jack, a member of the bourgeois, with very little to complain about decides that he doesn’t like his work. So he uses his privilege as the ‘King’ to go and do something else. That is, until he realises that he didn’t want to do that, and that he should have stayed in his lane and conformed to the rules of society. And, of course, you identify with Jack, because you are aligned with him from the first song, and have subconsciously decided that he’s an alright bloke because he is good at his job and has a cute dog.
Really, the only good thing to come out of The Nightmare Before Christmas was that keyblade in Kingdom Hearts II. Which you loved you filthy, conformable pig. I’m sickened.
Need For Speed is Actually a Critique of the Inadequacy of the Modern American Justice System
Need for Speed was a film. Remember that? The popular EA racing franchise produced an average-at-best flick, which was released in March 2014 and quickly forgotten about. Many have criticised the film, and rightly so. At first glance, it is a mostly boring, unintentionally hilarious, but ultimately forgettable action movie. What these ignoramuses don’t realise is that Need for Speed (the 2014 film starring Jesse from Breaking Bad) is actually a sophisticated critique of the inadequacy of the modern American Justice System.
I hear your cries dear reader! “In what way is this film sophisticated?!” Indulge me, for but five of your human ‘minutes’, and I shall grace you with my godlike knowledge. We must begin by peeling off the layers of subtlety from this cinematic marvel, like Shrek does in that scene with the onions in the aptly titled Shrek. And I warn you now, dear listener, you may want to grab the nearest box of tissues, or pour yourself the strongest drink you can. Because like the humble onion, the more we cut into Need for Speed (the 2014 film starring Jesse from Breaking Bad), the more likely it is that you shall cry. Cry from its genius.
I shall amble no more! The proof of the pudding, as they say, is in the evidence collected from the crime scene. So just what evidence is present to support my accusation? It’s simple. Throughout the film, the cast partake in a variety of criminal offences. These range from simply driving over the speed limit, to partaking in public nudity, as well as actually killing an actual human being.
They go mostly unapprehended; one member serves two years of jail time (for manslaughter, rather than the plethora of crimes he actually committed), before being released on parole (which he violates immensely). The one that actually killed an actual human being does not receive any persecution, until the very end of the film, which well after any sane viewer would have switched off/walked out/consumed a gallon of bleach. One other member of the ‘crew’ also receives some sort of punishment, although he seems to rather enjoy his time behind bars, so let’s ignore that.
You want specific examples? Fine. Let’s take a look at the foot soldiers of justice, the police service themselves. At one point the Very Fast Car™ is being chased by police. After being confronted in an alley, they manage to escape. By reversing. Then more police arrive. So they escape by jumping into another lane of traffic, and the police just kind of give up. No. They do send one helicopter. Which completely misses the wanted vehicle. Somehow.
One mistake? Fair enough. Benefit of the doubt. Well, in Nebraska, a ‘state trooper’ pulls into the petrol station that Jessie from Breaking Bad is filling up at. Whilst purchasing a black coffee, he notices the car on the CCTV, just as the girl character comes out of the toilets. She stealthily ducks, but ALAS, it is to no avail. One impromptu interrogation featuring a poor southern accent later, and the officer is in pursuit. She knocks over displays. He radios for backup.
After spending an eternity on a rooftop (in which time the officer fails to enter the room which she has barricaded herself in, and no reinforcements have arrived) she escapes through the window, into the car, and they speed away. Shock Horror! There are no available officers! The state of Nebraska has no available men to pursue a wanted criminal, guilty of multiple offenses, each of which capable of severely injuring those nearby!
So the trooper attempts to chase the vehicle himself. But Jesse from Breaking Bad has chained up the back two wheels of his car, meaning that as he pulls away, they come flying off! Damn Nebraskan police cars with their ridiculously good acceleration and their chassis made of twine. Once again foiled by a twisty bit of metal!
At this point it should be obvious that the movie is attempting to highlight the shortcomings of Smokin’ Hot American Justice™. A steady build up slathers on the layers of intellect until we arrive at the third act, ready for the enormous truth bombshell preparing to drop. A final (illegal) race featuring the greatest (illegal) racers in the country. A perfect backdrop for such a thrilling conclusion.
Long story short, the police use a variety of questionable (and highly irresponsible) techniques to stop the event. One of these techniques is launching a car at the Bugatti Veyron. This shows how the police are willing to actually kill an actual human being, to try and stop a race that they are trying to stop because it might kill other humans. The hypocrisy is as brilliant as it is terrifying.
After taking out the majority of the racers, it takes one car crashing and the other stopping for the police to actually catch up with the final two. They are captured, thanks to a conveniently place cliff edge, and America’s obsession with guns. That said, even in this moment of relative triumph, Need for Speed (the 2014 film starring Jesse from Breaking Bad) is still firing those bullets of reality from its reality gun; one of the policemen is an old man, with a noticeably uncomfortable stance. This highlights how the police are understaffed to the point at which they have to send officers that are unfit for work to take down felons that have actually killed actual human beings.
178 days later, we see Jesse from Breaking Bad walking out of prison. Where he immediately gets in a car and starts driving IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. And probably too fast as well. Despicable.
A vile man walks free, and has not learnt his lesson. This is the message Need for Speed (the 2014 film starring Jesse from Breaking Bad) leaves us with. If that isn’t proof that the film is actually a sophisticated critique of the inadequacy of the modern American Justice System, I don’t know what is.
I liked The Hunger Games. I really liked Catching Fire. I didn’t mind Mockingjay Part One. So how did Mockingjay Part Two hold up? Not so great, it turns out…
The film picks up pretty much straight after the events of Part One, with Katniss recovering from Peeta’s attack in the medical bay. After, we get a dire exchange between Gale and Katniss, resulting in a kiss that nobody really wanted or needed. It’s superfluous scenes such as this one that really ought to have been left on the cutting room floor. Whilst I didn’t mind Part One too much (it did drag a bit, but a good chunk of the time was spent on character development), Part Two was a complete bore. The film itself is far too long, especially considering that this is the second half. In total, the two films last around four and a half hours, enough to make even the most patient movie-goer begin to question their own sanity.
Next we see our protagonists whisked away to District 2, the stronghold of the Capitol’s defences. Here, they must find a way to disable the Peacekeepers’ fortress, or else give up the hope of ever taking the Capitol. Everyone argues over Dystopian Skype™ for a few minutes, before Gale thinks up a plan to bury them alive. Coin is angry that they don’t get the weapons. Katniss is angry that he’s just going to kill all the civilians inside. And so, they leave a supply route open to allow these innocent (yet fanatically Capitol-obsessed) masses to escape the base. Why the highly skilled Peacekeepers don’t also leave is never established. Surely, a fight against the rebels is preferable to slowly starving inside a buried fortress? Especially if they are as ruthless as everyone seems to think… Regardless, the civilians arrive via train, and begin their surrender at gunpoint. One of them gets shot, everything descends into chaos, Katniss does a speech and then gets shot too. Marvellous.
Of course, she isn’t dead. Her super special awesome Mockingjay costume is bullet proof. Katniss wakes up with a bruised lung and a couple of other injuries that do not make an impact on her later actions whatsoever, and learns that the rebels are planning a full-blown assault on the Capitol. She decides that she should go, and, with the help of Johanna, sneaks onto a supply plane, directly to the battlefield. Coin finds out and sends the film crew after her, meaning we now have a ridiculous quantity of minor character, distinguishable only by the trope given to them, and very little else. In addition to ‘the army commander guy that we like a bit’, ‘the mute one’, ‘the mute one’s brother’, ‘Natalie Dormer’, and ‘the other one’, we now have, ‘army commander woman who’s very strict’, ‘a bloke what’s supposed to be good with a gun, but will get killed before we see proof of that’, ‘sister one’ and ‘sister two’. And then there’s Gale and Katniss and Finnick as well. It really doesn’t take a genius to work out that there are way too many characters for us to remember and/or care about. This, coupled with the complete lack of subsequent development, presents us with a forgettable squadron of cannon-fodder; a set of people that exist only to be killed later for a cheap shock. But more on that in a bit.
Turns out (much to Katniss’ upset), that their unit won’t actually be on the front lines. Instead, they must traipse through the deserted streets of the Capitol a few kilometres back from the main troops, in order to shoot more propaganda videos. It won’t be easy though, since the bad guys have booby-trapped the neighbourhood with a series of death traps. “Welcome to the 76th Hunger Games” says Finnick. Thanks Finnick. Luckily, the location of the aforementioned traps have been stored on a handy map. Don’t worry though, it doesn’t have all the information on, so there is still some suspense. Well. Kind of. It’s probably worth stating that we’re never told where this information comes from, or why we should trust it. Ultimately, it feels a bit cheap; they have the information because they need to have the information. The traps themselves are rather boring too. We see about six in the film; some mini-guns, some flamethrowers, a floor that turns into spikes, some mines, and the more interesting two: lights that disintegrate you if you step in them, and a bizarre oil trap where you get harpooned if you touch the liquid. Ultimately, they should have all been like the latter two; it’s a bit of a stretch to say those responsible are truly creative geniuses when the best they can do is a bit of fire.
I would say that Coin herself made more of an effort to derail the progress of the team, as she sends Peeta along for the ride. I will confess that I really liked Peeta’s development in the film, especially the ‘Real/Not Real’ moments. Do I think it was done enough? No. Do I think it makes the film good? Far from it. But if you’re looking for a reason to watch it, Peeta is a good enough excuse. That said, his relationship with Katniss is done very poorly; they essentially go from hating each other to lovers, without much evidence for this change. I won’t complain too much though, as romantic relationships are by far the least interesting thing about the series. The writers really try for a love triangle and it does not work whatsoever. Not to mention how boring love triangles are as plot devices… I digress.
At this point, I should stress that Mockingjay Part Two is a very ugly film. As far as colours go, you have: grey, silver, dark white, black, and explosion. As such, it gets very boring very quickly, I guess such a bleak colour palette matches the bleak atmosphere of the world itself, but this is a step too far. The previous films found a balance, with the dull, hopeless districts counterbalanced by the earthy tones of the forest, or the delightful exuberance of the Capitol and its inhabitants. And yet, here we have gloomy, grey street after gloomy, grey street. The lavishness one would expect from an image-focused public is nowhere to be found, ultimately making it all unforgivingly forgettable, especially considering this location serves as the backdrop for such a significant chunk of the film. All it does is add a layer of monotony to an already coma-inducing flick.
Thankfully we get some action in the Capitol. ‘The army commander guy that we like a bit’ gets blown up by a mine probably (there’s an explosion, but we don’t actually get to see his injuries – he just dies), and passes on the map to Katniss. One of the sisters is also injured, and they trigger the oil trap. Peeta tries to kill Katniss, but is stopped by ‘a bloke what’s supposed to be good with a gun, but will get killed before we see proof of that’, who gets pushed into the oil and harpooned. The team then run into a building. They survive, but the Peacekeepers know their location, so send a squad to kill them. Since one of the sisters is injured, they stay in the building, whilst the rest go to a different building and watch as they get blown up. And this is presented as sad. We, as an audience, are expected to be sad about the four that just died, despite having no real reason to do so. It feels lazy, and is ultimately detrimental to the film as a whole, since we become so desensitised to the death that we don’t care when the bigger characters fall. Alas, I’m getting ahead of myself.
Team Katniss set off down the sewers, away from the prying eyes of the Capitol. Except not really, because they are spotted almost immediately. A pack of mutts are track them down while they rest, meaning the heroes must fight off a seemingly unending horde of creatures in a sewer tunnel. I must admit, I really liked this sequence. I adored the feral nature of the mutts; they reminded me of the Wendigos in Until Dawn. Truly the action set piece of the movie. Unfortunately, it ended in the death of Finnick, a character who I actually grew to like. And yet, his death was so poorly handled, I didn’t feel even the tiniest shred of sorrow. It was too rushed; he died, and there was no time for the impact to settle in. It was too ‘distant’ (for the want of a better word); we saw him disappear under a bunch of mutts, but there was no horrific close up, or anything to show him actually dying. And we’d already seen a bunch of characters die. So what made him so special?
The team run from the sewers into a squad of Peacekeepers, and then from the Peacekeepers into the shop of a tiger-woman. Then Katniss and Gale join the evacuating citizens to try and get closer to Snow. A Peacekeeper goes to check their identity, when they are saved by rebel-ex-machina. After miraculously not getting shot, Gale is taken away and Katniss is knocked unconscious. She awakens to see a bunch of children getting blown up. Then she is knocked away again. Then she awakens to see the medics helping the wounded. Prim is among them. Then they get blown up. And nobody cares. We’re given no lingering shot of Prim. We’re given no slow motion. It’s just explosion and cut. Yet another ‘meaningful’ death that feels boring. I sense a pattern emerging. No, instead of mourning there and then, we are given a scene with a cat. This is supposed to be the emotional climax of the series, where Katniss lets go of her stockpiled rage and guilt, but, like everything else, it falls short. What should be a heartfelt speech comes across with Katniss yelling for a minute, and then it’s just over. But who needs emotions, we’ve got a story to finish!
Surprisingly, the rebels won, and Snow is kidnapped. Katniss goes to talk to him and he says some vaguely manipulative-y stuff. Then Coin calls all the surviving victors for a meeting. She requests another Hunger Games, but with the Capitol’s children. Katniss votes in favour, a move that seems very out of character. Supposedly, this is to make sure Coin lets her kill Snow, but this really doesn’t come across well, and just appears out of place. Nevertheless, she stands before Snow, and chooses to assassinate Coin instead. And that’s pretty much it. We finally get a decent death scene, with a crane shot lingering on her body as the masses rush to kill Snow. Then Katniss goes home and finds Peeta. They have kids. THE END.
So, is it the worst film ever? No. I did like the mutt sequence and Peeta’s development. But almost everything else was lacking. What should have been a grandiose pyre was ultimately nothing more than a few dying embers. Seems like the odds just weren’t in their favour.
4.5/10
+ Peeta was interesting
+ Mutt sequence was tense…
- … but the other action scenes were boring
- Far too long
- Drab colour scheme
- Deaths are spectacularly mishandled
The Romans waged war to gather slaves and wealth. Spain built an empire from its lust for gold and territory. Hitler shaped a battered Germany into an economic superpower.
But war never changes.
In the 141st century, war was still waged over the resources that could be acquired. Only this time, the prize was land. For this, Inklings and Octarians would do battle, squid would battle octopus, tentacle would clash with tentacle, scrabbling to claim the last remaining scraps of what once was. Instigated by the rising sea level, this became known as the Great Turf War.
Years later, the storm of war had come again. Driven by a need for electricity, the Octarians emerged. Overnight, the Great Zapfish was stolen, robbing the Inklings of their power. You are a kid now, as well as a squid now. Your generation has grown up on conflict, relishing in the opportunity to test their skill in the Turf Wars. But Inkopolis needs a hero. And there’s someone waiting for you down that grate.
Life as an inkling is about to change.
Hold on to your tentacles… It’s Inkopolis news time!
Meet Callie and Marie (get it?), your average everyday news presenters-slash-pop idols-slash-action heroes. It’s their job to catch you up to speed. Fresh out of training mode, Splatoon throws you into the literal middle of Inkopolis and gives you a run-down of what you can do in the form of a quirky news broadcast. As the newest kid/squid on the block, everything seems overwhelming. Do you try a turf war? Explore Inkopolis a little? Go and investigate the shady-looking back alley? The choice is yours.
From the get-go, you’re plunged into the world of Splatoon, naff squid puns and attempts at ‘groovy slang’ to boot. That said, I can forgive it. The whole skaterpunk-meets-grunge aesthetic perfectly matches the somewhat ‘choice’ dialogue. And for every cringe-worthy attempt at mimicking modern dialect, there’s a wonderfully sassy exchange between Callie and Marie. Despite this, the news broadcasts aren’t always welcome. The news opens whenever you start the game, to tell you what maps are available for Turf Wars and Ranked Battles. Although seeming novel at first, it gets old quickly. Did you want to play a couple of quick matches? Hold on to your tentacles… It’s Inkopolis news time! Were you playing earlier, but decided to have a break and have just come back? Hold on to your tentacles… It’s Inkopolis news time! Were you in the middle of playing, when the available maps changed? Hold on to your tentacles… It’s Inkopolis news time!
In an attempt to keep you extend the longevity of the game, the potential maps you can play on is restricted to two per 4 hours. This is one of a few odd design decisions employed by the developers in an attempt to artificially extend the gameplay. Contrarily, it does the very opposite to this; often I found myself stuck on the same map for three or four games in a row. All this does is dilute the experience, making it more preferable to play for a little every day, rather than for any extended period of time.
Another discouraging factor is the poor matchmaking. I don’t know what system Splatoon uses when deciding who will be on what team, but it does not work. I’ve frequently found myself in matches with players thirty-or-so levels above my own, upsetting the balance of the game. One time in particular, I was Lv6, alongside a Lv14 player against a team exclusively consisting of those 30+. Irritatingly, the only way to remedy this issue is to quit and re-join the lobby, subjecting you to tedious waiting times and potential connection issues. Problematic matchmaking is not the only reason which you may have to leave the lobby either; confusingly, there is no way to switch weapon load outs and equipment between games.
Ignoring these minor gripes, the online experience is a pleasant one. Matches are quick to load and I’ve not noticed any lag; even during the most hectic moments, the game boasts a stable 60fps framerate. In between matches, you can play a series of retro inspired minigames on the gamepad. The first available game is Squid Jump, a somewhat vapid Doodle Jump clone, where you are a squid (but, unfortunately, not a kid) and have to climb upwards and avoid drowning in the steadily rising ink. Three further games (Squid Ball, Squid Beatz and Squid Racer) are unlocked by completing amiibo challenges (using the Inkling Girl, Squid and Boy amiibo respectively). The mini games are reasonably fun little distractions. But ultimately, they are just distractions. The meat of the game is found in online matches. To this end, it’s annoying that the gamepad wasn’t used in a different way. It could have been used as an equip screen, or a voting system to choose what map you go on or something.
The main attraction of Splatoon is Turf War. This game mode sees two teams of four kids/squids vying to cover as much of the surface of the map in their colour ink. It’s such a fresh take on the shooter genre, and plays like nothing else. Sure, if you see a rival inkling, you will try to ‘splat’ them, but you could go a whole game without engaging in conflict at all, and still finish with the most points. Every weapon and map feels well balanced, encouraging cooperative gameplay. It rarely feels unfair (assuming the matchmaking works) and know that if you lose, it’s because the other team outplayed you. Some other media outlets (*cough cough* IGN *cough cough*) have complained about the lack of voice chat – indeed I was worried about that before the game came out. After just a few matches, it became clear that Splatoon just didn’t need it. It’s a testament to the superb design, and the undoubted simplicity of the game; players of any age can understand where there need to go and what they need to do. It’s important not to confuse simplicity for superficiality – there is a surprising amount of depth to the game, thanks, in part to the wide variety of weapon loadouts, passive abilities and maps.
It’s at this point I should point out that by the time I got to play Splatoon, the August update had been and gone, negating the criticisms about the lack of content that some critics had. I was greeted by an extraneous amount of clothing and weapons. Each item of clothing provides a passive ability of some type (e.g. increased defence, increased speed, better ink efficiency), whilst each loadout comes with a different primary, secondary and special weapon. Every weapon feels balanced – you pick a loadout to match your playstyle, rather than because it’s the best one in the game. It seems odd that there isn’t an option for custom loadouts, but at the same time, this may have been a strategic decision to maintain balance. Still, each weapon class plays very differently, with weapons within the same class feeling uniquely as well.
After reaching level 10, players get the opportunity to take part in Ranked Battles. These mix up the traditional Turf Wars formula, instead giving teams an alternative objective. ‘Rainmaker’ is your typical capture the flag affair, whilst ‘Tower Control’ plays like Team Fortress 2’s ‘Payload Race’ matches. The third type is ‘Splat Zones’, where players must cover a set area in ink, and hold it for 100 seconds. All three modes offer something new, providing a nice contrast to Turf Wars. This makes it important to think tactically about what weapons to bring too (although I use shooters in Turf Wars, I found the Octobrush and Slosher to be much more useful here).
Although certainly not the focus of the game, I must give credit to Splatoon’s campaign, ‘Octo Valley’. It’s not long by any stretch of the imagination (I’d completed it within 7 hours, and that includes time spent online) and yet, it is a fun, fast, fresh experience. Each level tasks you with navigating a series of floating islands (think Mario Galaxy), where you have to use your squid/kid abilities to shoot down rival Octarians and retrieving a stolen zapfish. Every level introduces a new mechanic (such as sponges, or invisible pathways), with later levels incorporating various ideas (such as sponges AND invisible pathways). This constant stream of new mechanics ensures that everything feels new, as no two levels are the same. The difficulty is perfect – it’s not hard, but it feels like it should be. This illusion is perfectly crafted, preventing you from getting bored, whilst also ensuring that you don’t get frustrated. After a while you enter a ‘Splatoon flow’ of sorts (a completely official term that I have just now come up with). The masterful level design, combined with a stunning aesthetic and groovy soundtrack results in an incredible single player experience. Nothing exemplifies this better than the final boss fight, which is up there with the likes of Portal’s GLaDoS and Ocarina of Time’s Ganondorf.
Like any post-Sm4sh Wii U game, Splatoon features amiibo support. The figurines themselves look great, with a sturdy construction and cartoony, stylised design. That said, what they unlock is the closest amiibo have been to traditional DLC. Each amiibo tasks the player with completing a handful of stages from the campaign, but with an additional challenge – using a splat charger with the Girl, roller with the boy, and a mix of speed run and limited ink challenges with the Squid. After completing a boss battle, you unlock a reward, whether that be exclusive clothing items, new minigames or a new weapon. This is great for anyone who has the extra £45 to buy the amiibo, but seems like somewhat of a proverbial middle finger to any who can’t afford, or simply can’t find (these are amiibo, lest we forget) the figurines.
So, as every character will ask, is it fresh enough? The answer of course, is yes. Splatoon is a new, fun, fresh experience, unlike anything Nintendo, or any other developer has made before. I just hope it is supported by more updates and DLC in the future to ensure it stays this way.
8/10
+ Fun, fast gameplay
+ Fresh, unique idea
+ Great visuals
+ Phenomenal Final Boss
- A few annoying design ideas
- Amiibo lock away considerable amounts of content
N.B. At time of writing, I have not tried the ‘Battle Dojo’ or ‘Splatfest’ modes.
The circumstances around the 'Amazing Spiderman' series' conception are iffy at best. Created by Sony, it exists so that they can keep the rights to the character, and little more. After Sam Raimi's beloved trilogy (yes, even 'Spiderman 3'), the series had some big boots to fill in order to win over the hearts of both die-hard fans, and casual viewers. So was the reboot as much of a success as it had to be? No. I thought 'The Amazing Spiderman' was an average film; the first act was superior to that of its predecessor, but everything afterwards was clichéd and dull. This leaves 'The Amazing Spiderman 2' with a lot of work to do... And it doesn't do it.
I feel a big issue with the film is its lack of focus. It tries to do too many things, ultimately resulting in a disjointed story, as too many plot elements are juggled at once. I have to wonder if the team learnt anything from 'Spiderman 3'.
That said, most of the ideas are sound enough. Max' transition into Electro isn't as forced as I expected and Peter's fear of hurting Gwen after her father's death is actually interesting. What a shocker. There are elements that flat out don't work though. And ultimately, there are too many of these for 'The Amazing Spiderman 2' to be seen as a film worthy of the licence.
An immediate flaw is Harry Osborne's arc. What worked in 'Spiderman 3' falls short here. And for a simple reason: Peter's supposed 'best friend' hasn't been mentioned before.
Indeed, their first scene together takes place a full film and 40 minutes after the beginning of the series, which totally undermines any internal conflict that Peter experiences. It might be hard for him to fight Harry. But there is no reason for the audience to care. And so, what could be an interesting antagonist becomes another generic ‘bad guy’, as any moral strife non-existent.
Speaking of moral strife, it’s time to talk about the elephant in the room: Gwen Stacy’s death. The iconic scene is what many fans have been looking forwards to since the character was first shown, so the pressure was high, and it absolutely had to be done properly. It wasn’t. The death worked in the comics because Gwen didn’t know that Peter was Spiderman, and, therefore, any danger was his fault. But in the film, Peter tried to convince Gwen not to go, and she went anyway, meaning the death is entirely her fault. This means Peter’s 5 minutes of mourning (yes, he genuinely mourns for about 5 minutes of screen time) loses a lot of impact.
And then, there’s the ending. Frankly, the last 20 minutes of the film should not have existed. At least, not in this film. By all means, have them in the Amazing Spiderman 3, or whatever, but not here. It’s a rudimentary mistake, but results in the ending feeling incredibly cheap. To all the aspiring film makers out there, a quick tip: DO NOT, by any means, END THE FILM WITH THE SAME SHOT YOU END THE TRAILER WITH. I cannot stress this enough. The audience are left with a sour taste in their mouth, and it completely ruins the film. Seriously. The film should have ended with Peter upset about Gwen’s death, with the mysterious guy meeting up with Harry as a post-credits scene. Let’s conclude.
‘The Amazing Spiderman 2’ is not very good. Thank god that he’s in the MCU now.
Last year, I did a top ten of games that I played in 2013. So, why not do it again? But this time, alongside games, why not do films as well? To state the rules, these are films that I watched for the first time in 2014. I am really, really bad at watching films, so that will explain all the old ones oops.
Top 10 Games of 2013
Top 10 Games of 2014
NUMBER 10
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies ~ Peter Jackson ~ New Line Cinema/Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer/WingNut Films ~ 1 December 2014
The first two films in the Hobbit trilogy were, admittedly, rather lacklustre. Neither were excellent, but they were, at least, passable, and served their purpose of setting up this, the final instalment of the series. I came into the film with moderate expectations; I had heard good things, but didn’t want to expect too much.
The Battle of the Five Armies proved itself a fantastic film, benefitting from hours of setup, with most, if not all of the loose threads tied up in what is pretty much 160 minutes of action. A few subplots fell short (cough cough Tauriel romance plot cough cough), but The Battle of the Five Armies was, overall, a satisfying conclusion to the Hobbit trilogy.
NUMBER 9
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World ~ Edgar Wright ~ Big Talk Films ~ 25 August 2010
I had to see Scott Pilgrim at some point. I saw Scott Pilgrim. It was very good. Edgar Wright is a great director. There isn’t a lot to say.
NUMBER 8
Princess Mononoke ~ Hayao Miyazaki ~ Studio Ghibli ~ 12 July 1997
Early this year, I spent a term doing a media project in school. As part of it, I had to do a presentation-type-thing on anime as a genre. I then realised that I hadn’t seen a single Studio Ghibli film, so set about rectifying that. Princess Mononoke was my favourite of the few I watched, with a gorgeous art style and great ‘feel’. I felt it had the strongest plot, too, and secured its place as one of my favourite films.
NUMBER 7
Hot Fuzz ~ Edgar Wright ~ StudioCanal/Working Title Films/Big Talk Productions ~ 14 February 2007
Hot Fuzz is the second film in the Cornetto trilogy, starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, and directed by Edgar Wright. The script is witty and the direction is fantastic and everyone should see it okay bye.
NUMBER 6
Captain America: The Winter Soldier ~ Anthony Russo/Joe Russo ~ Marvel Studios ~ 20 March 2014
Captain America is nobody’s favourite avenger. Okay, so maybe three people like him. Regardless, Captain America: The First Avenger was one of the weaker films in Marvel’s Phase One, and I didn’t have a lot of confidence for this one. I should have.
The film is a major turning point in the franchise, with some big, important plot stuff taking place. The action scenes are fluid and masterfully directed, each feeling unique and interesting, and every scene carries weight; you get the sense that the fate of the world rests on the shoulders of the protagonists.
NUMBER 5
The Girl who Leapt through Time ~ Mamoru Hosoda ~ Madhouse ~ 15 July 2006
This film was really cute. I’m a sucker for time travel, and even though that aspect of the film didn’t make a huge amount of sense, I still thoroughly enjoyed it. I grew attached to the characters and nearly cried at the end. Nearly.
NUMBER 4
X-Men: Days of Future Past ~ Bryan Singer ~ 20th Century Fox/Marvel Entertainment/Bad Hat Harry Productions/The Donners’ Company/TSG Entertainment ~ 22 May 2014
Again, time travel. Superheroes and time travel. And time travel that means X-Men Origins: Wolverine and X-Men: The Last Stand didn’t actually happen. I’m sold.
NUMBER 3
Shaun of the Dead ~ Edgar Wright ~ StudioCanal/Working Title Films/Big Talk Productions ~ 9 April 2004
The first film of the Cornetto trilogy is still the best, with a genius script and sublime direction. As quotable as it is inventive, Shaun of the Dead stands as a refreshing break from the monotony that plagues zombie films.
NUMBER 2
The Lego Movie ~ Phil Lord/Christopher Miller ~ Village Roadshow Pictures/Lego System A/S/Vertigo Entertainment/Lin Pictures/Animal Logic/Warner Animation Group ~ 14 February 2014
The Lego Movie had a premise like no other. It was only through the world of Lego that Batman, William Shakespeare, Abraham Lincoln, Gandalf and Shaquille O’Neal could team up to fight evil and promote creativity. The film is packed with laugh-out-loud moments, and features a twist that nobody saw coming; I can’t sing its praises enough! Just bring on the Duplo Movie.
I didn’t expect to see this film, but went as part of my friend’s birthday party thing. It was quite good, but was a little lacking in plot at times, instead following the protagonist and his discovery of Soul music.
The World’s End ~ Edgar Wright ~ Relativity Media/Working Title Films/Big Talk Pictures ~ 19 July 2013
The final part of the Cornetto trilogy fell a little short of the top ten. Again, Edgar Wright’s direction was inspired, and I enjoyed the film a lot, even if it did fail to live up to the high standards set by Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.
The Maze Runner ~ Wes Ball ~ Gotham Group/Temple Hill Entertainment/TSG Entertainment ~ 10 October 2014
A competent film adaptation (Shock Horror!!), but missed out on a spot in the top ten due to the poor ending. Still worth a watch, though.
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 ~ Francis Lawrence ~ Lionsgate/Color Force ~ 10 November 2014
Another competent film adaptation??? Madness. Blasphemy. This film was good. It was a strange decision to split the final book of the Hunger Games trilogy into two movies, but I feel they did a good job. The extra time was spent on character development, so the film didn’t feel as padded as I expected it to. Yes. This film was good.
Spirited Away ~ Hayao Miyazaki ~ Tokuma Shoten/Studio Ghibli/Nippon Television/Network/Dentsu/Buena Vista Home Entertainment/Tohokushinsha Film/Mitsubishi Commercial Affairs ~ 20 July 2001
Spirited Away is a really pretty film and I like it a lot. It narrowly missed the top ten, but is phenomenal. Watch it anyway.
NUMBER 1
Guardians of the Galaxy ~ James Gunn ~ Marvel Studios ~ July 2014
A fun superhero film set in space, with a soundtrack of feel-good music from the 60’s and 70’s and friendship as a key theme… What could possibly go wrong? With Chris Pratt as the lead role, and a fabulous supporting cast, the film excels in almost every aspect, as well as setting up important plot points for the Marvel Cinematic Universe. What a great film.
So, this has been my top 10 games what I played in 2013. Yay.
Last year, I did a top ten of games that I played in 2013. So, why not do it again? But this time, alongside games, why not do films as well? To state the rules, these are games that I played for the first time in 2014. This year it’s been great for the Wii U, so this list is going to be pretty much exclusively Nintendo, but that’s fine. Yes. It’s fine.
Top 10 Games of 2013
Top 10 Films of 2014
NUMBER 10
Kirby: Triple Deluxe ~ 3DS ~ HAL Laboratory ~ 16 May 2014
Kirby games are not difficult. As someone who is really bad at platformers, I can appreciate that. Whilst the likes of Mario and Donkey Kong are built for speed and precision, Kirby is a lot more forgiving. Triple Deluxe follows this pattern, encouraging you to take your time and explore the stages for hidden keychains.
I found the game to be very relaxing, and had a lot of fun taking each stage at my own pace, taking my time to travel though the world and take in the colourful scenery. That said, I am not a huge fan of platformers in general, so that is why it’s only at number 10.
NUMBER 9
Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney ~ 3DS ~ Level-5/Capcom ~ 28 March 2014
Professor Layton and Phoenix Wright are an odd pairing. The games vary wildly in tone and gameplay, yet both are very successful at what they do, making the crossover seem slightly ridiculous, but also incredibly exciting. The game itself follows both Layton and Wright as they try to solve the mystery of Labryinthia, alternating between Layton puzzles and Ace Attorney courtroom scenes. It achieves this very well, managing to capture the essence of both series and sculpts the plot around this.
NUMBER 8
Tomodachi Life ~ 3DS ~ Nintendo SPD ~ 6 June 2014
I can’t explain Tomodachi Life very well. You play as a god-like figure, interacting with the miis of your friends, family and idols, manipulating them into marriages and… karaoke. It’s a lot of fun to see how the miis interact, but soon enough, content starts to repeat itself, which is a shame. That said, I still load the game every month or so to check up on my islanders.
NUMBER 7
The Stanley Parable ~ PC ~ Galactic Cafe ~ 17 October 2013
This game, on the other hand, has no shortage of content. Indeed, every playthrough gives a different ending. Although the gameplay essentially boils down to walking and clicking, the script is incredible. Really, it’s difficult to explain the charm of the game, without experiencing it first-hand, so go and play the game now. Or watch a playthrough or something.
NUMBER 6
To the Moon ~ PC ~ Freebird Games ~ 1 November 2011
To the Moon has one of the most incredible storylines that I have ever experienced, following Dr. Rosalene and Dr. Watts as they attempt to fulfil a dying man’s wish of going to the moon. Despite being built on the RPG Maker XP engine, the gameplay is very simple, opting for basic puzzles, allowing the story to take centre stage. The game has humble 16-bit sprites and a soundtrack to die for. I heartily recommend it!
NUMBER 5
Hyrule Warriors ~ Wii U ~ Omega Force/Team Ninja ~ 19 September 2013
Another unlikely crossover mixes characters from The Legend of Zelda franchise with gameplay from the Dynasty Warriors series, leaving an insanely fun and chaotic hack-and-slash adventure. The game truly brings the world of Hyrule to life, allowing you to play as characters you love in locations cherry-picked from Ocarina of Time, Twilight Princess and Skyward Sword. Each scenario brings new playable characters and tasks you with defeating armies of Moblins and other familiar bad guys, before beating bosses like King Dodongo and Girahim.
I have played Hyrule Warriors reasonable solidly for the past few days and am absolutely loving it, even if the gameplay essentially consists of mashing the B and Y buttons.
NUMBER 4
Pokémon Alpha Sapphire ~ 3DS ~ Game Freak ~ 28 November 2014
I missed the original R/S/E pokémon games, as Pearl was my first Pokémon game. But I have heard about how influential those games were to the series, adding features I take for granted today. When the Generation Three remakes were announced, I was really excited. Hoenn was the only main-series region that I hadn’t explored yet, and I couldn’t wait. And the Alpha Sapphire met all of my expectations, even going a step further with the new DexNav feature. I just really like Pokémon, okay?
NUMBER 3
Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS ~ 3DS ~ Sora Ltd./Bandai Namco Games ~ 3 October 2014
Super Smash Bros. Brawl is my favourite game ever, as it introduced me to the world of Nintendo, and helped to shape my taste in games. As I played more, though, and learnt about competitive Smash Bros., it was clear how flawed the game was. Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS gave the game I loved the mechanics I desperately wanted, complete with a huge roster of diverse fighters and customisation too. The controls may be a little ropey, but I love the game regardless.
NUMBER 2
Mario Kart 8 ~ Wii U ~ Nintendo EAD Group 1 ~ 30 May 2014.
Mario Kart is a series that you can’t hate, no matter how hard you try, blue shells and all. This game feels like the definitive iteration, featuring Coins from Super Mario Kart; Retro cups from Super Circuit; Online play from DS; Bikes from Wii; Kart Customisation, Flying and Underwater from 7, as well as adding new, anti-gravity sections. The wealth of features ensures diverse maps, and the gameplay is the same finely-tuned experience as always, with a little more focus on drifting and using items strategically.
What was already a phenomenal game in its own right was followed superb DLC, adding an additional two cups and three characters, as well as some customisation parts. And with another DLC pack coming next year, I can’t wait to play much more in the future.
Before Number One, some honourable mentions…
The Wonderful 101 ~ Wii U ~ Platinum Games/Nintendo SPD ~ 23 August 2013
A frantic action game that sees you take command of a hundred tiny superheroes. Despite the inventive use of the gamepad, I couldn’t get into it properly, but it seems promising enough.
Sid Meier’s Civilization V ~ PC ~ Firaxis Games ~ 24 September 2010
I want to be able to play this game. I don’t have the time to learn how to play this game.
NUMBER 1
Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo Wii U ~ Wii U ~ Sora Ltd./Bandai Namco Games ~ 28 November 2014
Do you see the bit I wrote for Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS? That applies here too. Except the controls have been fixed. And there are more stages. And 8 Player Smash. And beautiful HD graphics. And amiibo and event mode and more music and more trophies and I love this game okay don’t question me just play it thank you and goodnight.
