Orange Zest

In search of the grater good

[havenkiosk]

7 days —

[havenkiosk]

8 days — Hello, introvert speaking...

Some people have friends that stick with them from school. Some have cousins they are close to. Some have siblings who never fall out of their life's boundaries even if there are ups and downs in their relationship. Some have colleagues that are like family. Some or all of these in their everyday lives... People find their tribe.

I miss having my handful of loved ones (peers) geographically close to me, and more in my daily (or at least weekly) life. I've tried in my own small ways to re-ignite old friendships and to make new ones, but most people already have their seemingly ringfenced tribes.

In the late 90s and early 2000s, virtual friends (penpals, blogs) were a great support system and a couple of them became very important in-person connections too. A part of me still romanticises that time and craves connections via that realm. 

I'm aware I might need different tribes for different needs. Feeling tentative, though, as I gather the impetus to dive into this more actively in the in-person realm.

[havenkiosk]

9 days — Around the world

Marrying the love of my life ignited the excitement of exploring the world with her. I made lists of places I wanted to visit - locally, internationally and everything in geographic proximity. Having kids, relocating to another country and COVID overturned those grand plans in the last decade.

Trying to work out, from here on, how I can manage finances and life (and school holidays) to take my footprints across the world that I still want to see with my wife. Visiting all the continents at least once is the golden dream, and I know Antarctica is going to be the toughest.

[havenkiosk]

10 days — From scratch

Growing up in a country where manual labour was inexpensive, I never knew what it was like to do household chores or fix broken things. Now, having moved to a country where everyone is expected to do most household things themselves (as professionals charge heftily by the minute)  - cleaning, repairing, even building - I find myself in a strange dilemma.

On one hand, the variety of things I do in and around the house makes me feel proud. On the other hand, I wonder when I'll find time to do things I really want to if I spend so much time on DIY.

[havenkiosk]

11 days — Flab at forty

I discovered my first grey hair in my early 20s and remember wondering if that was the beginning; turned out to be a false alarm. I wonder how I will accept a head full of grey hair, though. Even harder will be a receding hairline.

But again, I remember thinking (as a teenager) I'd never tolerate a paunch on myself, yet the day I couldn't suck it in completely anymore, I meekly surrendered forfeiting all shame.

I miss the generous ego spike people used to cause in me by being surprised when I told them my age. And one day, it abruptly stopped. No eyes widen anymore, they just concur with the number.

[havenkiosk]

12 days — Pet peeve

As a teenager, I wasn’t sure I would ever have children, but here I am today, a father of two.

Never wanted to own a pet (that lived outside a fish tank), but everyone seems to think I should get one. The wife wants a dog, and still, nurses hope that I will someday agree (but I'm hoping to hold out forever). Everyone I talk to when I tell them about getting a house, asks within the first five sentences when I'm getting a dog.

I’m genuinely surprised at how frequently this comes up in conversation. Why is it not a convincing answer that I have no space or energy in my life for another child?

[havenkiosk]

13 days — From hormones to blood

Why do I not taste the juice in love poems and songs anymore? Why do romantic movies feel superficial and frivolous? Where has that tingling feeling gone, that was so prevalent in my younger years at the very thought of love and being together?

Don't get me wrong - I still feel love, immense love for the girl that has travelled more than half my life with me, the woman that has given birth to my children, my life's blessing that continues to be my biggest reason to feel life is worth working through. It is just that the intensity feels more internalised than verbal or material adornments can do justice to.

[havenkiosk]

14 days — Mind the gap

When questioned whether he felt annoyed about being asked to do something he didn't want to do, my ten-year-old son defensively replied, "Most children my age would feel this way." Some months ago, he told me, "It may have worked in your generation, but now it won't."

I felt a generation gap between my mother and me when I was a teenager (and still do), but to realise one exists between my son and me feels somewhat unwelcome. One of my goals was (and is) to keep up with changing times; I don't want to pretend I'm young but don't want to become a relic either. 

But when the young have as many perceptions about the old (as the old do about the young), is the barrier inevitable?

[havenkiosk]

15 days — Not forever

I've always abhorred the words 'bucket list' or lists titled "...to do before you die". The thought of death shouldn't drive one to do things; for that matter, the thought of death shouldn't loom large in anyone's head.

But if I didn't nitpick on semantics, perhaps the realisation that life is not forever is a necessary reminder to make the most of every minute? To be grateful that things are not bad (or worse than they are)? To realise that those with us today may not be tomorrow and to share more love and hold less grudge?

[havenkiosk]

16 days — Older and older

Despite knowing the workings of life, the gradual process of watching loved ones (who are older than me) grow older is a helpless, heart-wringing feeling. To see the hands that caressed me (when I was a child) now all wrinkled, or once-chubby countenance now overtaken by the bones behind it feels so hard for the mind to accept.

In a dark yet prevailing part of my head, my parent is still a parent doing parent things. It takes a more-deliberate mind to grasp that they're doing grandparent things, and that they're not as fast in mind or body as their mental GIF in my mind.

And as I type this in the silence of the night, heavier and more resounding are the noises of those tiny hands trapped in the apparatus that tells the time.

[havenkiosk]

17 days — Retired unhurt

When I started working (in my early 20s) and started financial planning, my planner asked me what age I wanted to retire. He used his most non-judgemental straight face (bless the man) and matter-of-fact tone to respond to me when I replied "30". 

He helped me see that a reasonably attainable (while still ambitious) target could be 40, and with a buffer, 45. The life choices I made after that, however, ensured that that would remain a pipe dream.

It's not that I wanted to laze after that age. I just didn't want a salaried job past the age of retirement, or to worry about earning money.

[havenkiosk]

18 days — Spending money matters

I learnt the importance of saving money early in my life, but am only still learning the importance of spending that money. There is the future, but there is also the now. Beautiful nows make beautiful back thens to cherish in future nows. 

The shirt I really like but feels a bit expensive now might not even fit me some years later when it doesn’t feel as expensive. The premium seats at a concert may be worth it now than some day in future when my hearing or vision may not do them justice.

[havenkiosk]

19 days — Money matters

How do some relentlessly go after their passion with financial stability at stake? I say that in an awe-filled way.

As someone who became fearful of diving headlong into their passion with zero guarantees of even a middling income from it and opted for a safer job, I still don’t see how I could have done things any differently. I like not having to worry about not having money, and have always tried to save more than I have spent, with a plan to secure myself if I live longer than I’d like.

To the philosophical question - does money buy happiness - I say that I don’t know what happiness is without comfort. And money buys comfort. 

[havenkiosk]

20 days — Foo die another day

I recall a couple of years as a teenager when I was vegetarian - it was driven by spiritual pursuits, and the entire time, I never felt the slightest twinge of temptation. In my 20s, I had this intense craving to try different meats, especially exotic ones (which in the past five years has wholly dissipated).

Food is still one of my favourite things in life, but also one that becomes an exercise in moderation as I get older, I hear. Of late, the mind prefers comfort food or safe choices at known restaurants - perhaps because eating out isn’t as frequent anymore. However, it may be easier to experiment now before doctors and lab reports dictate what I should (or shouldn’t) eat.

[havenkiosk]

21 days — Speeds of success

One of the most humbling life lessons has been the realisation that a person’s brilliance is not necessarily an indicator of how well they do in life. As a child, I was conditioned to believe that academic success led to a fulfilling adult life, and those that fooled around in school were doomed to a life of struggle.

I see now that a top ranker and one who flunked their exam could be doing as well as or worse than the other. Everyone has their own path and pace in becoming successful in life.

[havenkiosk]

22 days — Life outside the palm

If I could time travel within my own life, I would like to go back to before the internet and smartphones became easily accessible. I simply can’t seem to recall the different things I did with my time or the alternative ways people managed to get things done that a smartphone does today. 

How did we wait at doctor’s appointments or at train stations? I certainly didn’t carry a book everywhere!

Even my parents’ generation, who berated us for being addicted to our phones are addicted themselves, and I find them scrolling endlessly/mindlessly through social media and forwarding en masse pictures of flowers and babies bearing the choicest greetings of the day. 

Am I losing the life skill of keeping myself occupied/entertained without this ubiquitous device?

[havenkiosk]

23 days — Ironing the question marks

I saw a quote today that triggered a longstanding thought - When in doubt, do it.

I have been acquainted with many who are so confident about things they are so wrong about. The authoritativeness with which they expound on their sparsely-informed statements is in stark contrast with the careful, annotated, disclaimer-laden deliberation I share my knowledge with.

Being wrong is definitely a way bigger deal for me than it must be for those people. I like to get things done right the first time rather than dive in blind and figure out how to swim. When in doubt, I ask. 

Maybe in the larger scheme of things, asking for forgiveness is better than asking for permission; just need to work out what the middle ground is.