THE MUTT GOD

                   SELECTIVE                     

[havesinned]

my   name   is   randi   ,   ,   i   am   a   22   ,   ,   and   my   pronouns   are   SHE / THEY - -   this   is   a   HIGHLY   SELECTIVE   BLOG   for   Judas  Iscariot     from   the bible   /   lady gagas song judas    /   and   my   own   head   canon   !   !   i   will   also   be   making    my   own   lore   about   “god”   and   “jesus”   so   if   that   will   upset    you   i   don't   recommend   my   blog   !   !   ty   for   reading   this   !   !    and   feel   free   to   drop   a   dm   or   a   meme   in   my ask   box   !   !  CARRD  / / MEMES / / THE WONDERFUL PERSON WHO MADE MY ICONS / /   MY OTHER BLOG ! ! 

[havesinned]

OPEN STARTER 

❝   MY   FEARS   ?   ?   ❞      he   chuckled   head   shaking   back   and   forth   ,   ,   ❝   can’t   i   just   say   im   scared   of   the   dark   ❞

[ohisms]

𝟏𝟎𝟎 𝑵𝑶𝑵𝑽𝑬𝑹𝑩𝑨𝑳 𝑷𝑹𝑶𝑴𝑷𝑻𝑺 .    (  a  collection  of  100  nonverbal  action  prompts .   mature  and  potentially  triggering  themes  are  present .   add  “ + reverse ”  to  swap  assigned  roles . )

∗ o1﹕ sender  tucks  hair  out  of  receiver’s  face . ∗ o2﹕ sender  offers  receiver  a  bite  from  their  fork . ∗ o3﹕ sender  places  their  feet / legs  in  receiver's  lap . ∗ o4﹕ sender  offers  receiver  an  earbud  to  share  their  music . ∗ o5﹕ sender  comforts  receiver  in  the  aftermath  of  a  nightmare . ∗ o6﹕ sender  gives  receiver  company  in  the  hospital . ∗ o7﹕ sender  wraps  their  arms  around  a  hysterial  receiver  to  calm  them . ∗ o8﹕ sender  shows  up  at  receiver’s  home  late  at  night . ∗ o9﹕ sender  falls  asleep  leaning  against  receiver . ∗ 1o﹕ sender  wields  a  [ gun / knife ]  at  receiver . ∗ 11﹕ sender  runs  their  fingers  through  receiver’s  hair . ∗ 12﹕ sender  invites  receiver  to  dance . ∗ 13﹕ sender  takes  a  [ picture / video ]  of  receiver . ∗ 14﹕ sender  places  their  head  in  receiver’s  lap . ∗ 15﹕ sender  and  receiver  make  eye  contact  across  a  busy  room . ∗ 16﹕ sender  pushes  receiver  against  a  wall  to  kiss  them . ∗ 17﹕ sender  and  receiver  cook  together . ∗ 18﹕ sender  comes  to  receiver  after  being  injured . ∗ 19﹕ sender  sits  in  receiver’s  lap . ∗ 2o﹕ sender  lifts  receiver's  chin ,  invoking  eye  contact . ∗ 21﹕ sender  overtakes  receiver  in  combat . ∗ 22﹕ sender  finds  receiver  [ injured / bloodied ] . ∗ 23﹕ sender  straightens  an  article  of  receiver’s  clothes . ∗ 24﹕ sender  crawls  into  bed  with  receiver . ∗ 25﹕ sender  rolls  their  eyes  at  receiver . ∗ 26﹕ sender  lights  receiver’s  [ cigarette / joint ] . ∗ 27﹕ sender  is  caught  wearing  receiver's  clothes . ∗ 28﹕ sender  strikes  receiver  with  a  pillow . ∗ 29﹕ sender  writes  a  note  on  receiver’s  skin :  [ note ] . ∗ 3o﹕ sender  wraps  a  blanket  around  receiver’s  shoulders . ∗ 31﹕ sender  runs  and  jumps  into  receiver’s  arms . ∗ 32﹕ sender  shoves  receiver  out  of  anger . ∗ 33﹕ sender  hovers  over  receiver’s  shoulder  as  they  complete  a  task . ∗ 34﹕ sender  is  found  by  receiver  somewhere  they  shouldn’t  be . ∗ 35﹕ sender  curls  up  against  receiver  in  their  sleep . ∗ 36﹕ sender  is  found  drunk  by  receiver . ∗ 37﹕ sender  throws  an  item  of  sentiment  bitterly  at  receiver . ∗ 38﹕ sender  joins  receiver  in  the  shower . ∗ 39﹕ sender  is  caught  following  receiver . ∗ 4o﹕ sender  traces  one  of  receiver’s  [ scars / bruises ] . ∗ 41﹕ sender  twines  their  fingers  with  receiver’s . ∗ 42﹕ sender  barges  into  receiver’s  home  unannounced . ∗ 43﹕ sender  kicks  receiver’s  shin  beneath  a  table . ∗ 44﹕ sender  aggressively  shoves  past  receiver . ∗ 45﹕ sender  kisses  receiver’s  [ forehead / cheek ] . ∗ 46﹕ sender  pulls  receiver  out  of  harm’s  way . ∗ 47﹕ sender  is  found  sobbing  by  receiver . ∗ 48﹕ sender  locks  receiver  out  of  their  room . ∗ 49﹕ sender  brings  receiver  [ coffee / tea ]  in  the  morning . ∗ 5o﹕ sender  rests  their  forehead  against  receiver’s . ∗ 51﹕ sender  plays  a  song  for  receiver  that  reminds  them  of  them :  [ song ] . ∗ 52﹕ sender  takes  a  [ punch / stab / bullet ]  meant  for  receiver . ∗ 53﹕ sender  buys  receiver  a  drink  at  a  bar . ∗ 54﹕ sender  needs  receiver’s  help  getting  in  the  bath . ∗ 55﹕ sender  and  receiver  cross  paths  in  the  kitchen  late  at  night . ∗ 56﹕ sender  twists  receiver’s  arm  behind  their  back . ∗ 57﹕ sender  winks  at  receiver . ∗ 58﹕ sender  is  found  collapsed  by  receiver . ∗ 59﹕ sender  prevents  an  injured  receiver  from  getting  up . ∗ 6o﹕ sender  claps  a  hand  over  receiver’s  mouth  to  silence  them . ∗ 61﹕ sender  cages  receiver  against  a  [ wall / the floor ]  with  their  arms . ∗ 62﹕ sender  storms  away  from  receiver  during  an  argument . ∗ 63﹕ sender  is  found  by  receiver  sleeping  in  receiver’s  bed . ∗ 64﹕ sender  [ applies / touches up ]  receiver’s  makeup . ∗ 65﹕ sender  throws  receiver  into  a  wall  during  combat . ∗ 66﹕ sender  dances  sensually  with  receiver . ∗ 67﹕ sender  strikes  receiver  across  the  face . ∗ 68﹕ sender  places  their  hand  on  receiver’s  leg  while  driving . ∗ 69﹕ sender  pulls  a  chair  out  from  under  receiver . ∗ 7o﹕ sender  catches  receiver’s  wrist  when  they  turn  to  leave . ∗ 71﹕ sender  leaves  an  intimate  mark  on  receiver . ∗ 72﹕ sender  beats  receiver  in  a  video  game . ∗ 73﹕ sender  and  receiver  stand  in  stunned  silence  after  a  fight . ∗ 74﹕ sender  cares  for  receiver  while  they’re  sick . ∗ 75﹕ sender  and  receiver  go  on  a  hike . ∗ 76﹕ sender  is  caught  snooping  in  receiver’s  things . ∗ 77﹕ sender  and  receiver  cuddle  while  watching  television . ∗ 78﹕ sender  throws  something  aggressively  at  receiver . ∗ 79﹕ sender  creeps  up  behind  receiver  to  scare  them . ∗ 8o﹕ sender  and  receiver  go  shopping  together . ∗ 81﹕ sender  helps  receiver  [ dye / style ]  their  hair . ∗ 82﹕ sender  draws  receiver  into  a  kiss  by  the  back  of  their  neck . ∗ 83﹕ sender  is  discovered  having  a  panic  attack  by  receiver . ∗ 84﹕ sender  accidentally  injures  receiver  during  sparring . ∗ 85﹕ sender  grabs  receiver  roughly  by  the  hair . ∗ 86﹕ sender  brings  receiver  to  their  knees  during  combat . ∗ 87﹕ sender  shows  receiver  evidence  of  a  lie  they  told . ∗ 88﹕ sender  winks  [ seductively / mockingly ]  at  receiver . ∗ 89﹕ sender  yells  at  receiver  to  put  their  hands  in  the  air . ∗ 9o﹕ sender  helps  receiver  patch  up  a  wound . ∗ 91﹕ sender  holds  receiver  as  they  cry . ∗ 92﹕ sender  silently  and  angrily  points  receiver  towards  the  door . ∗ 93﹕ sender  gestures  for  receiver  to  sit  down . ∗ 94﹕ sender  pulls  receiver  into  their  lap . ∗ 95﹕ sender  cradles  receiver’s  face . ∗ 96﹕ sender  tackles  receiver  out  of  the  way  of  danger . ∗ 97﹕ sender  has  hidden  an  injury  from  receiver ,  and  receiver  finds  out . ∗ 98﹕ sender  confronts  receiver  about  their  unhealthy  behavior . ∗ 99﹕ sender  proposes  to  receiver . ∗ 1oo﹕ sender  has  just  died ,  receiver  finds  out .

[soulprompts]

𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐑𝐌𝐎𝐑 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒.

i rewatched the etern.als. and then i got thinkin. and now you guys are on the receiving end of more protective prompts, but these little beauties are aimed more for the act of actually saving a life! bon appetit!

DIALOGUE PROMPTS.

“ what the hell were you thinking?! you could’ve been killed! “

“ hey! get away from them! “

“ if you wanna hurt them, you’re going to have to get through me, first. “

“ you underestimate how much you mean to me. i wasn’t about to let them hurt you. and i certainly wasn’t about to let them even consider killing you. “

“ i told you before. i’m not gonna let anything in this world nor the next harm you. “

“ you need to get out of here! go! i’ll buy you some more time! “

“ what are you doing?! i told you, get out of here! now! “

“ get it through your head, i’m not gonna just leave you here! “

“ now’s not the time to play the martyr, got it? you’ve got a good long life ahead of you, and i intend to keep it that way. “

“ you need to go now, okay? don’t worry. i’ve got this. they’ll want to be trying a lot harder if they want to keep me from protecting you. “

“ don’t worry about me; are YOU okay? “

“ damnit, [NAME]! i TOLD you not to play the hero! “

“ i can look after myself, you know. but… i do appreciate you stepping in back there. you saved my life. “

“ why are you so invested in keeping me alive? “

“ that was for saving my life. “

“ it’s alright, they’re gone now… are you alright? hey, look at me; are you hurt at all? “

“ are you insane?! run! “

“ were you preoccupied, or did you just really want a dramatic heroic entrance before you saved my ass? “

“ are you okay? “

“ yeah, yeah, i’m okay… are you okay? “

“ hey! why don’t you try picking on someone your own size! “

“ hurry! take my hand! “

“ get in the car! now! “

“ i’m sorry i was late… are you alright? they didn’t hurt you too badly, did they? “

ACTION PROMPTS.

add a “+ REVERSE” to switch the roles around!

[ SHIELD ]:     sender uses their own body to shield the receiver from an attack.

[ EMBRACE ]:     sender quickly wraps the receiver in a protective hug and turns so the sender’s back might take on the brunt of an on-coming attack.

[ SHOVE ]:     seeing the receiver is in immediate danger, the sender runs to them and shoves them out of the line of fire.

[ YANK ]:     seeing the receiver is in immediate danger, the sender hastily grabs them and pulls them against them, out of harm’s way.

[ TACKLE ]:     sender physically tackles the receiver out of the line of fire.

[ THROW ]:     sender throws themselves between the receiver and an on-coming attack, taking on an injury that might have been fatal to the receiver otherwise.

[ DISTRACT ]:     sender causes a distraction to draw the receiver’s attacker/s away from them.

[ FIGHT ]:     just as the receiver is about to be attacked, the sender arrives suddenly and begins to physically fight off their assailant.

[ CATCH ]:     sender manages to intervene and catch the falling receiver before they fall to their death.

[ SACRIFICE ]:     sender sacrifices themselves, either fatally or otherwise, in order to save the receiver’s life.

[ HIDE ]:     sender quickly pulls the receiver into a hiding place, hiding them from their pursuers.

[ KILL ]:     sender, seeing the receiver in immediate and intentionally fatal danger, intervenes by killing their assailant before they can kill the receiver.

[ INCAPACITATE ]:     sender, seeing the receiver in immediate danger, intervenes by knocking out their assailant before they can harm the receiver.

[ AFAR ]:     sender, having been watching the receiver’s interactions with a threat from afar, saves them from an impending attack while remaining distant from them.

[ SECRET ]:     sender, having been secretly following the receiver, saves their life from an immediate threat while remaining hidden from the receiver.

[ REVEALED ]:     sender, having been secretly following the receiver, reveals themselves in the process of saving the receiver’s life from an unexpected threat.

[ REUNION ]:     after spending a considerable length of time apart, the sender reunites with the receiver after saving their life from an immediate and potentially lethal threat.

[ KISS ]:     after having been saved from immediate danger by the receiver, the sender, in a state of intense emotion and relief, kisses them to express these feelings.

[ HUG ]:     sender, having just saved the receiver’s life, pulls them into a tight hug out of relief and a need to steady and support both themselves and the receiver.

[havesinned]

lowkey starter call ? ? 

[brainwrangler]

TRUST   IN   ME   !   !   in   all   you   do   ,   ,   have   the   faith   -   I   have   in   you   .   LOVE   WILL   SEE   US   THROUGH      if   only   you   trust   in   me   !      !      //   indie   therapist   oc   //   est   2015   //   written   by:   randi       

[jawnkeets]

favourite quotes: john keats

requested by @horaetio

[havesinned]

[ silku ·]

❝      i   was   gone   for   ten   years      !      the   economy   sucks,      the   bees   are   dying,      and   all   the   movies   now   are   sequels   to   originals   i’ve   never   seen.      ❞

open  starter  !

    ❝   A   LOT   CAN   HAPPEN   IN   TEN   YEARS   ❞         the   puff   of   a   cigarette   -   and   a   sympathetic      head   tilt   suggests   that   he   is   sorry   for   her   lost   time   ,   ,   ❝   if   you   want   i   can   show   you   ...   anything   really   i   suppose      -   a   fuckin'   movie   ,   ,   a   never   ending   waterfall   ,   ,   even   some   dying   bees   ❞   A   SMILE   tugged   at   his   lips   (   take   the   offer   )   when   has   trusting   judas   gone   wrong   ?   ?   

[raelynnnix]

Ophelia (2018), dir. Claire McCarthy

[wnq-movies]

…I thought I was broken and I thought I was used up and I thought I had nothing left to give. I’d given everything and I didn’t really know what was left. But there’s a part of us that is unbreakable. You always find it again.

Emma Watson  (via thequotejournals)

[havesinned]

@shelassos​:  ❛  alright ,  let’s  try  again ,  shall  we ?  ❜ 

❝   OH   GOD   -   i   am   telling   you   the   truth   okay   ?   ?   ❞   hands   are   up   as   a   plea   and   his   head   is   hung   LOW   ,   ,   as   he   had   his   tail   between   his   legs   (   the   mutt   god   surely   wasn't   scared   of   her   ?   ?   )   he   was   ,   and   he   didnt   want   any   trouble   ,   ,   ❝   im   judas   -   i   don't   know   how   to   explain   this   ANY   BETTER   ❞

[havesinned]

[ espercr· ]

       she’s grown used to his 𝒔𝒖𝒅𝒅𝒆𝒏 appearances , no more jumping or flinching on her part - just a fond smile . ❝ do you even have to ask ? ❞ teasing laughter follows , light as birdsong . ❝ baking with 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 is the only way i know how to do it . ❞

LISTEN   TO   HIM   MOAN   ,   ,   as   he   bites   into   it   (   almost   over   dramatically   )   but   watch   as   shoulders   lift   as   he   enjoys   her   food   (   dear   heaven   above   )   thank   you   for   creating   hope   ,   ,   ❝   hope   this   is   so   fucking   good   ...   im   going   to   EAT   YOU   ❞   chomp   towards   the   smaller   being   with   a   laugh   that   was   speaking   an   ‘   i   missed   you   ‘   

[havesinned]

[ aesirdottir· ]

a   darkened   room   holds   many   secrets,      captures   many   sighs   and   provides   witness   to   a   melding   of   bodies   that   sees   an   impossibility   when   determining   where   one   ends   and   the   other   should   begin.      it   is   in   this   forged   heaven   that   gods   meet,      sharing   in   one   breath   while   also   damning   the   very   need   that   should   find   them   breaking   their   kisses   for   one   sharp   inhale.      so   they   do,      descending   back   into   the   depths   of   passion   once   down,      but   judas   uses   his   air   for   a   sentiment   that   strikes   the   same   from   her.

@havesinned·  :  ❝  no one else is ever gonna have a chance with me.  you’re it.  you’re all i want.  ❞

amora   blinks   in   the   dark   as   she   settles   upon   his   lap,      the   nails   that   lay   a   cherry   red   claim   upon   his   chest   still   and   anchor   her   in   place   to   receive   such   devotion.      enchantress   smiles   in   the   dark,      wicked   and   unholy      -      she   doesn’t   mean   to   ensnare   the   fallen   judas   for   means   other   than   to   show   him   the   vastness   of   his   supremacy,      how   the   wastes   of   this   earth   could   bend   to   his   will   if   he   only   was   served   the   correct   motivation.               ❝      you   deserve   nothing   less.      ❞

oh,      how   she   knows   that   any   other   kiss   would   taste   of   ashes   compared   to   her   honey.      the   way   that   any   other   touch   would   seem   chilled   compared   to   her   fire      -      the   beautiful   music   of   her   cries   when   it   is   laced   with   his   name   would   sound   untuned   from   the   lips   of   another.      no,      amora   is   the   goddess   that   was   intended   for   him   and   his   love   for   her   is   a   curse   that   casts   out   all   others.

❝      but   you   know   how   much   i   adore   your   poetry   nonetheless.      ❞

WORDS   BRUSH   ON   SKIN   ,   ,      just   as   the   lips   that   had   spoken   them   had   tender   moments   before   ,   ,   (   take   her   in   as   she   is   what   dreams   are   created   from   )   allow   lashes   to   blink   capturing   every   second   of   her   gestures   -   how   her   hair   slips   as   chin   moves   (   greedily   )   absorb   her   in   all   of   her   emerald   glow   ,   ,   PEOPLE   SAY   HE   IS   LOVE   SICK   ,   ,   and   as   a   smile   finds   his   lips   you   could   hear   him   and   the   man   he   thought   he   was   laughing   in   the   face   of   those   people   (   love   sick   )   who   could   be   sick   of   love   ?   ?      

❝   you   deserve   every   single   word   of   it   ❞      thick   strong   fingers   scoop   up   her   own   so   he   could   place   lips   upon   each   digit   ,   ,   before   (   with   gratitude   )   softly   kissing   into   her   palm   -   he   could   die   with   in   it   ,   ,   HE   WISHES   HE   WOULD   -   ❝   you're   so   beautiful   amora   ❞   words   she   surely   already   knows   ,   ,   words   that   only   a   being   like   him   would   think   hold   any   value   to   a   creature   such   as   SHE   (   its   the   human   man   in   his   veins   )   -   maybe   she   thinks   it   to   be   c   u   t   e   ,   ,   maybe   it   is   a   novelty   to   hear   such   SIMPLISTIC   words   spoken   towards   a   goddess   like   AMORA   

watch   him   as   he   folded   into   her   ,   ,   head   finding   nape   as   he   couldn’t   help   but   relish   in   her   SKIN   -   smooth   over   it   as   he   found   bliss   within   her   hold   ,   ,   (   his   skull   nuzzled   closer   )   CONSUME   HIM   !   !         eyes   closing   in   relaxation   ❝   and   that's   just   a   plus   on   a   plus   -   angel   ,   ,   you   are   so   incredible   -   so   smart   and   fearless   ❞   listen   to   him   gush   over   her   ,   ,   words   muttered   but   HEARD   as   they   seemed   to   spill   into   the   warmth   of   the   godly   air   ,   ,   ❝   god   ...   i   love   you   so   much   ❞   exhale   an   airy   laugh   and   feel   muscles   as   they   coil   tighter   around   her   (   repent   the   sin   of   love   )   and   find   solace   in   her   warmth.         

[havesinned]

@horrormaestro​ hit the <3 

❝   WHATS   WRONG   ?   ?   ❞   his   voice   was   low   as   eyes   mirrored   in   tandem   ,   ,   ❝   let   me   help      ❞   

[maggiecheung-archive-deactivate]

[havesinned]

@ringstrained​ hit the <3

❝   YOU   FELL   ASLEEP   ...   so   i   had   the   dogs   snuggle   around   you   for   warmth   ❞   judas   hadn’t   been   there   when   the   other   had   passed   out   ,   ,   but   upon   stumbling   on   them   -   he   decided   to   stick   around   ,   ,   ❝   hows   your   head   ?   ?   ❞

[ohisms]

𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑮𝑶𝑶𝑫 𝑷𝑳𝑨𝑪𝑬 .    (   sentence  starters  originating  from  season  one  of  ‘ the good place ’ .   adjust  pronouns  as  necessary ,  mature themes are present! )

❛  oh ,  one question.  where  am  i ,  who  are  you ,  and  what’s  going  on ?  ❜ ❛  cool .  cool .   i  have  some  questions .  ❜ ❛  are  you  sure  you  want  to  hear ?  ❜ ❛  cool ,  bring  it  in ,  man !  ❜ ❛  you’ll  stand  by  my  side  no  matter  what ,  right ?  ❜ ❛  promise  me .  say  it :  “ i  promise  i  will  never  betray  you  for  any  reason ”  ❜ ❛  somebody  forked  up .  ❜ ❛  i  mean ,  you  do  get  how  that’s  worse ,  right ?  ❜ ❛  maybe  it’s  not …  ACTUALLY  all  that  bad .  ❜ ❛  i’m  just  asking  you  to  fudge  a  little  bit !  ❜ ❛  i  have  a  stomachache .  ❜ ❛  that’s  ‘ fun ’ .  ❜ ❛  okay ,  that’s  really  specific  and  makes  me  think  that  you  definitely  did  do  that .  ❜ ❛  what  a  condescending  bench .  ❜ ❛  let’s  just  face  it ,  [ name ] ,  you  don’t  belong  here !  ❜ ❛  this  is  a  putrid ,  disgusting  bowl  of  ethical  soup .  ❜ ❛  that  was  my  first  time  as  a  fashion  “ don’t ”  and  i  was  NOT  here  for  it .  ❜ ❛  you’re  the  most  self - obsessed  person  i’ve  ever  met .  ❜ ❛  time  to  pick  a  designated  driver .  ❜ ❛  before  you  say  anything …  that’s  it ,  i  just  don’t  want  you  to  say  anything .  ❜ ❛  we’re  gonna  bang  it  out .  ❜ ❛  okay ,  i  won’t  let  you  down …  starting  now .  ❜ ❛  remind  me  what  i’m  getting  out  of  this  again ?  ❜ ❛  oh ,  so  NOW  i’m  supposed  to  be  nice  and  make  friends ?  ❜ ❛  i’m  telling  you ,  [ name’s ]  out  to  get  me .  ❜ ❛  i’ve  got  something  you  could  slip  into .  ❜ ❛  of  course ,   the  opposite  might  be  true .  ❜ ❛  huh !  what  do  you  think  that  means ?  ❜ ❛  throwing  sand  is  an  excellent  way  to  put  out  a  vodka  fire .  ❜ ❛  good  people  make  me  insecure .  ❜ ❛  i  would  LOVE  not  to  listen  to  you .  ❜ ❛  that’s  a  very ,  very  bad  idea .  do  NOT  be  yourself .  ❜ ❛  i  said  a  lot  of  other  nice  things ,  toughen  up ,  nerd .  ❜ ❛  it’s  nothing ,  it’s  a  tiny  little  inconvenience .  ❜ ❛  dude ,  you’re  hiding  something !  what’s  wrong ?  ❜ ❛  what’s  wrong ,  what’s wrong ,  what’s wrong ,  what’s  wrong ?  ❜ ❛  what  have  you  done  to  me ,  you  monster ?  ❜ ❛  you  are …  unbelievable .  ❜ ❛  get  your  story  straight ,  bro .  ❜ ❛  i  am  VEXED ,  [ name ] .  ❜ ❛  you  have  nothing  to  prove ,   not  to  anybody .  ❜ ❛  i  know  we’ll  never  be  soul  mates ,   but  we’re  friends .  ❜ ❛  i’ve  never  actually  done  this  before ,  it  was  a  theoretical  fantasy -  ❜ ❛  ‘ dEspitE yOuR cONsTaNt MocKerY ~ ’  ❜ ❛  i  once  posed  as  a  hot  prom  date  for  my  cousin .  ❜ ❛  i  even  watched  all  ten  seasons  of  the  show  ‘friends’ .  ❜ ❛  if  i  feel  sympathy  for  anybody ,  it’s  [ name ] .  ❜ ❛  what  is  all  this  junk ?  ❜ ❛  you  devious  little  monsters ,  you .  ❜ ❛  you  have  a  very  ‘ psycho  burnout  guy  mumbling  to  himself  at  a  library  computer ’  type  of  vibe .  ❜ ❛  this  is  gonna  help  both  of  us !  ❜ ❛  we  should  keep  our  eyes  peeled  for  twigs  who  may  have  a  nefarious  agenda .  ❜ ❛  i  just  ethic’d  you  in  the  face !  ❜ ❛  lies  are  like  tigers .  they  are  BAD .  ❜ ❛  we  need  to  cancel  this  party  immediately .  ❜ ❛  why  do  bad  things  always  happen  to  mediocre  people  who  are  lying  about  their  identities ?  ❜ ❛  the  ends  justify  the  means .  ❜ ❛  what  are  you  talking  about ??  it’s  SO  easy  to  live  with  a  lie .  ❜ ❛  i’m  not  supposed  to  be  here .  ❜ ❛  you  forgot  your  own  birthday ?  ❜ ❛  alright ,  i  will .  for  you .  ❜ ❛  can’t  we  just  chalk  this  up  to  a  hilarious  mistake  and  move  on ?  ❜ ❛  can  we …  skip  around ,  and  circle  back ?  ❜ ❛  why  is  everyone  so  jealous  of  me ?  ❜ ❛  oh ,  hello  -  you  look  like  a  piece  of  crap .  ❜ ❛  hey  now ,  come  on ,  let’s  not  insult  people .  ❜ ❛  go  get  me  a  drink .  ❜ ❛  somebody  made  a  person  out  of  wet  mulch  and  leaves  and  like …  dead  slugs ,  and  that’s  you .  ❜ ❛  did  you  two  go  to  pound  town ?  ❜ ❛  i’m  better  than  i  used  to  be .  ❜ ❛  alright ,  i  have  to  ask .  is  this  thing  gonna  happen ?  you  and  me ?  ❜ ❛  you  need  to  stand  up  for  yourself !  ❜ ❛  you’re  barely  even  a  regular ,  functioning  person !  ❜ ❛  woah  woah  woah ,  you  think  i’m  into  [ name ] ?  ❜ ❛  i  need  to  step  outside  for …  some  air .  i  will  not  be  back  for …  many  days .  ❜ ❛  why  are  you  so  nice  to  me ?  ❜ ❛  oh  good ,  you’re  back .  ❜ ❛  pobody’s  nerfect .  ❜ ❛  well ,  the  nightmare  continues .  ❜ ❛  i’m  a  moron !  ❜ ❛  that’s …  not  great  for  my  case .  ❜ ❛  i’ve  ruled  the  fart  inadmissible  as  evidence .  ❜ ❛  now  i’m  bored .  walking  is  dumb .  ❜ ❛  i’m  gonna  need  a  drink …  or  three .  ❜ ❛  i  only  cared  about  making  money  and  doing  cocaine .  ❜ ❛  there’s  no  time  for  any  of  that  morality  nonsense ,  sweetheart .  ❜ ❛  this  way ,  i  don’t  owe  you  anything  -  you  don’t  owe  me  anything .  ❜ ❛  we  MUST  remain  emotionless .  i’m  talking  kristen  stewart  on  the  red  carpet .  ❜ ❛  please ,  i’m  begging  you ,  please .  ❜ ❛  does  your  brain  work ,  actually ?  do  you  have  a  functioning  head ?  ❜ ❛  sorry ,  [ name ] ,  but  i  can’t  let  us  leave .  ❜ ❛  what  are  you  DOING ,  you  goon ?  ❜ ❛  that’s  what  you  think  hell  is ?  ❜ ❛  it’s  scary ,   like  the  movie  ratatouille .  ❜ ❛  oh ,  that’s  a  joint .  ❜ ❛  REAL  weird  vibe  in  here .  ❜ ❛  i  was  definitely  expecting  some  applause .  ❜ ❛  in  my  opinion ,  which  is  objective  fact  in  this  case  and  all  cases  ever …  ❜ ❛  i’m  not  going ,  i  don’t  wanna .  ❜ ❛  it  is  literally  impossible  for  me  to  do  that .  ❜ ❛  well  -  it’s  been  real ,  dawg .  ❜ ❛  i  feel  like  i’ve  failed  you .  ❜ ❛  i  was  dropped  into  a  cave ,  and …  you  were  my  flashlight .  ❜ ❛  we  can  be  together ,  away  from  everyone  else .  ❜ ❛  holy  motherforking  shirtballs .  ❜ ❛  man ,  this  is  torture .  ❜ ❛  you  ruined  everything ,  you  know  that ?  ❜ ❛  i  was  so  close  to  pulling  it  off !  ❜ ❛  it’s  actually  a  filthy  dumpster  of  our  worth  anxieties .  ❜ ❛  i’m  surrounded  by  people  who  are  literally  better  than  me .  ❜ ❛  you  don’t  love  me ?  ❜ ❛  this  was  supposed  to  be  my  big  moment !  ❜ ❛  dammit ,  [ name ] .  you  are  the  WORST ,   and  you  can  all  suck  it .  ❜ ❛  you  had  no  idea  i  was  gonna  do  that !  ❜ ❛  yeah ,  that  came  out  of  nowhere .  ❜ ❛  oh …   but  it  didn’t  matter .  because  my  motivations  were  corrupt .  ❜ ❛  there’s  something  you  don’t  know  about  me .  ❜ ❛  the  only  thing  you  succeeded  in  doing  was  bringing  us  all  together .  ❜ ❛  uh …  next  time ?  ❜ ❛  if  this  thing  goes  sideways  again ,  you  are  DONE .  ❜ ❛  UGH ,  you’re  useless !  ❜ ❛  alright ,  let’s  try  again ,  shall  we ?  ❜ ❛  YA  BASIC .  ❜ ❛  hold  that  thought .  is  it  okay  if  i  go  work  out ?  ❜ ❛  i  think  this  is  yours .  ❜