Maybe but maybe not
tw// abuse , homophobic language, panic attacks
Bucks anxious. He usually is when it comes to his parents. But this time, in particular..this time they want to meet the 118. All of them..at dinner..together. Yeah, what could go wrong? It's just dinner..right?
A lot is what Buck is thinking, a LOT could go wrong.
Buck had come to terms with the fact that his parents never would accept him years ago, but it was okay because he would never have to bring a boy home, I mean who would ever want him anyways. But he never imagined they would show up at the firehouse telling him they wanted to have the 118 and Buck for dinner.
He never thought his parents would meet the 118.
Buck had been dreading this dinner all day. He thought about not telling the team and canceling, but he figured that would end in disaster with his parents showing up anyways and it ending up in a screaming match. Which is something he was trying to desperately avoid. He just needed to get through one dinner, a dinner he needed to be perfect, so he decided right there he wouldn't look at Eddie or reach for his hand when he got panicked as he no doubt would be before the night was over.
Oh, how he failed at that.
*
6 o'clock rolled around faster than Buck would have liked but the faster this dinner got started the faster his parents would be gone and he could go back to his life and be himself without fear.
“Buck you good” Buck registered that someone was talking to him but he didn't know who till there was a hand on his shoulder, he jumped before looking at whoever had touched him and saw the kind and beautiful eyes that he had grown to fall in love with over the past couple years
“Yeah, Eds I'm good” Buck turned to go back to cooking feeling Eddies eyes watching him before he stopped when he heard that voice, the voice he feared and dreaded more than anything else.
“Evan.”
Buck knew that he needed to turn around and acknowledge his parent's presence but he couldn't force himself to do it.
“Evan Buckley you answer me when I'm talking to you” Buck recognized the tone anywhere, he needed to turn around and say something before something bad happened, he couldn't let it happen. Not in front of the 118. Not in front of Eddie.
Slowly Buck turns around before taking a breath, “Dad hey, I'm glad you made it okay. Mom, it's nice to see you” Buck feels all the eyes on him in the room and at that moment he wishes more than anything that a 5 alarm fire was going on. How awful is that, what kind of person wishes for a fire much less a 5 alarm fire just to get out of dinner with his parents.
“Hello Evan, so this is where you work? Its…quaint.” He hears his mom's remark. He's not registering anything but before he can say another word he sees Bobby grab the pasta they had been making together and set it on the table.
“Buck tells me you love pasta so we made some 5 cheese ziti” No one would see it if you weren't paying attention but Eddie saw it, he watched Buck wince as Bobby called him Buck.
“Evan I see you're still going by that ridiculous name” his mom hastily replies giving Buck a look of disappointment
“It's just a name mom” He replies in the smallest voice the team had ever heard from Buck
“Watch your tone when you speak to your mother.” No one dared to make a move waiting for Buck to say something, but he doesn't he just nods his head.
Dinner had gone on without anything terrible happening and he started to relax. He knew when he sat down for dinner that he shouldn't have sat by Eddie, when Buck relaxes he gets touchy, and usually its with Eddie. He didn't even realize he was doing it until he heard his dad's booming voice that brought him right back to his bedroom when he was 16 and caught Buck making out with his best friend at the time.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING EVAN BUCKLEY” All Buck can feel is his dad ripping his hand from Eddies and dragging Buck downstairs. All he feels is pure panic.
“I did not raise my son to be a faggot. I raised you to be a man. Guess I’m gonna have to teach you what it means to be a man all over again arent I.” Buck’s eyes go wide in terror and before he can make a move he's on the ground, his dad is on top of him punching him; repeatedly.
“Dad please p-please I'm sorry.” Before his dad can make a move he hears screaming.
“LEAVE HIM ALONE” Eddie. It's Eddie who came to save him.
“With all due respect sir- actually I have no respect for you but you have no right to treat Buck like this, and I think it's time for you to leave.” With nothing more said between Mr.Buckley and Eddie he heads towards the exit but before he leaves he looks down at Buck in disgust, “This isn't over faggot. I promise you that.” All Buck can manage is a small nod.
Buck knows that Eddie would never hurt him but as soon as he sees Eddie walking toward him he's startled and runs. Runs to his jeep and drives he drives till he reaches the loft, as soon as he enters the loft and he is in his bed he's sobbing harder than he has in years.
Eddie had never seen Buck like that, so sufficed to say he was worried. He didn't need to think of where Bucks head was at, he knew Buck and he knew that he would beat himself up over this and blame himself for what his dad did so he decided to go over there after his shift but before his shift was over his phone started ringing. It wasn't Buck, it was Chris.
“Hey buddy how was school”
“Daddy what's wrong with Buck” Eddie feels the breath leave his lungs when he hears Chris say this.
“What are you talking about Chris he's fine.” Eddie doesn't know if he's trying to convince himself or Chris, all he knows is that Buck has to be okay.
“But he just called the house looking for you and he sounded like he was crying, dad, he needs you.” Chris doesn't say anything more just hangs up before anyone says anything Eddie is on his way to Bucks.
Eddie enters the loft and it's dark and quiet, unlike Buck as he usually has something playing on the tv as it calms his anxiety.“Buck?” There's no response which worries Eddie even more. “Buck where are you?” All he gets in response is a small sob coming from upstairs Eddie runs upstairs fearing the worst. What he walks into breaks his heart and isn't something he was ever expecting.
Buck knew how to keep his cool, he knew how to pretend he was fine, he had been doing it for years. If he was being honest with himself he hadn't been fine for a while, since the lawsuit he could feel himself breaking but he decided to just pretend he was fine. Who would care if he wasn't okay anyways, they all have issues they don't need his on top of theirs.
He was fine. He was keeping it together until his parents brought everything he had shoved into a box back out and now he couldn't handle it, it was all too much for him. He was aware that he was on the verge of a breakdown or worse, a panic attack.
Buck had heard the door open but figured that whoever it was would leave when they didn’t hear anything on the tv and all the lights were off. He hoped that they would just leave him alone to be miserable but then he started thinking. Started thinking if they didn’t leave and saw him like this. See him weak and miserable, everything his dad had told him replaying in his head.
“you were a mistake”
“you aren’t a man”
“should have left you when we had the chance”
“I didn’t raise you to be a faggot.”
“no one will ever want you.”
Before he realized it tears were streaming down his face and sobs leaving his body. He couldn’t get any air, he was panicking he knew he was but couldn’t make it stop, and the more he tried the worse it got. Black was starting to cloud his vision that’s when he saw him, his savior, his best friend, the love of his life.
Eddie.
Eddie saw his best friend in a way he had never seen him before; broken. He had suspected for a while now that Buck wasn’t okay but he never imagined it was this bad. Buck cradling a pillow like his life depended on it, sobbing and hyperventilating. Eddie didn’t need to think twice, he walked slowly to buck, he knew to not move too fast, Buck was like a wild animal, moving too fast and he would either run away or attack. Eddie needed to make Buck feel safe.
“Buck hey man it’s Eddie, what can I do” Eddie slowly sat on the bed next to Buck trying to get Buck to open up and say anything.
“E-Eddie?” Eddie’s heart breaks that he’s never heard Buck sound so fragile and broken.
“Yeah man it’s me, what’s going on in that head of yours” Eddie slowly reaches his hand out to touch Buck but Buck winces. “Hey buck it’s just me, okay I would never hurt you, you know that.” That seems to get through his head because faster than he can process buck is sobbing in his arms.
All Eddie heads is Buck letting out a string of apologies and Eddie can’t for the life of him figure out why Buck is apologizing so he just tries to calm him telling him it’s okay. Eventually, Buck falls asleep in Eddie’s arms.
When Buck wakes up he comes face to face with Eddie and he can’t help but smile. He knows he shouldn't and he knows he needs to face reality but those 30 seconds he had of peace with Eddie laying next to him with a slight smile on his face is the type of peace he had been looking for his entire life. But all that peace goes out the window when he remembers last night.
He knew that when his parents came to town it was gonna end in disaster but why did he have to make it worse. Why did he have to call Chris and have a breakdown and ruin everything with Eddie?
“You should go Eddie” is all buck says when Eddie wakes up, Buck knows that's shitty after Eddie was there for him last night but he can't help but push him away, he can't let Eddie see him like this anymore.
“Buck no I'm not going anywhere we need to talk about yesterday okay, I've let you pretend you were fine for months cause I figured sooner or later you'd talk to me but you haven't so I'm not leaving until you talk to me.” Eddie finally snaps and Buck can't blame him, especially when everytime Eddie asked what was wrong Buck blew him off. But he can't bring himself to talk to Eddie, not when Eddie has enough to deal with on his own.
“Eddie just go be with your son, I’m fine you don't need to worry about me.” Buck can feel the frustration radiating off of Eddie but can't bring himself to tell Eddie what's going on with him. He can't bear the thought of Eddie looking at him differently, the way everyone else in his life does.
“Buck enough you arent fine okay you haven't been fine. You had a panic attack last night. You were sobbing when I came over last night. Alright, you called Chris looking for me crying you needed me then, what changed?”
Buck knows he's being stubborn and he knows that no matter how many times he tells Eddie to leave it alone he won't. That's just the kind of friend Eddie is.
“Nothings changed Eddie, I always need you okay is that what you wanna hear? That is so weak that I always need you around. That is so fucking broken that my parents hate me for who I am and that no matter how hard I try I'm never enough for anyone to stay? I was born for parts I'm not who people stay for im just who they keep in their life till someone better comes along. I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry that I'm not enough and that you have to deal with all my bullshit. I know its exhausting and I'm sorry.”
Eddie wants to cry, is that really what Buck thinks? Does he think all he's good for is spare parts? Or just being a fill-in? Does he not know what he means to the team?
To Chris?
To him?
“Buck none of that is true okay you are more than that. You are not broken. Fuck what your parents say or think okay, family isn't just blood. You choose your family alright and you are my family. Were family Buck. You are stuck with us, we aren't going anywhere.”
Buck wants so badly to believe that but how many times has Maddie told him that same thing and how many times has she left. So all he can do is scoff and turn his back to Eddie hoping Eddie will take the hint and leave.
Sufficed to say he didn't.
“Damnit Buck can you not see that you are loved? That the team loves you? That Chris loves you? Fuck that I love you? What is it gonna take for you to believe that.”
That's it. That's all Buck can take before he ends up snapping, he can take knowing that Eddie will never love him, that he doesn't want him, and he cant take a false hope.
“Eddie just stop please I can't take it anymore just go you don't love me okay? No one could ever lo-” Buck doesn't get the chance to finish because Eddie's lips are on his.
Eddies lips.
On his.
Much to Buck’s disappointment, Eddie pulls away quicker than he would like.
“Buck shut up. I love you okay? I've been in love with you so just shut up okay?”
Buck can't help but feel the internal struggle inside of his head start to take over, he knows that this is who he is and he knows that he loves Eddie but he also knows the things his dad has told him since he's been 16 still ring in his head. He can't help but feel like what he feels and what Eddie feels is wrong.
“N-no this- this is wrong no I'm not. I'm not, NO this is wrong.” is all Buck can spit out before falling against the door and sobs escaping his body. He can feel eddies eyes on him and that just makes him want to hide behind a door and never come back out. He loves Eddie he knows he does and he knows Eddie knows but it's wrong..its wrong..right?
“Buck look at me okay I need you to look at me” Bucks hears Eddie say to him in the same soft tone he talks to Chris in when Chris is having a panic attack, he can't help but look at Eddie whos sitting a few feet in front of him.
“Buck this isn't wrong okay I know what your parents think and I know that you've been forced to keep this part of yourself locked away for years but you aren't living with your parents anymore okay they aren't here and they can't hurt you. There is nothing wrong with you, okay?”
Buck starts to relax and scoots closer to Eddie feeling more relaxed while touching Eddie.
“I'm really fucked up eds, do you really love me? Do you.do you really want me?”
“Buck, there is nothing else I want more, I love you, and yeah you have your issues but all of us do okay? We will get through them together. I promise.”
Buck finally believes him and Eddie can tell by the way his shoulders start to relax. Before Eddie can say anything more Buck kisses him and whispers, “For the record, I love you too.”
Eddie smirks before simply saying, “ Really I had no idea.”
