- they just about catch that they're about to hit 24 hours in time to count it in
- there is less excitement than you would've expected at the start but they're all so tired and also not finished yet
- the crowd loves the verses and the saxophone, the crowd is great overall and keeps the energy up the whole way
- they keep getting offered water, sweets etc, Alex says he's had so much fluid and already needs a wee again
- live studio piece
- they get back to where they started, apparently the first bit of driving was just for camera and now they're actually setting off, very frustrating
- they keep chatting as if they're not being recorded but mostly they say some very nice things about the crew and the various guests (Alex says he thinks acaster was the best of the comedians, he says he couldn't understand Dara because he spoke too fast), at one point think they talk about giving £500 each as bonuses to someone (assistants??), Joe asks if Alex is staying for a pint after, Alex says probably not because it's a long way home for him and Rachel has a very early start because their son has an early morning football match but he'll see
- Alex is very quiet and keeps grimacing
- the band at the back are cold, coats and gloves are offered around
- Mark tells Alex the plan for when they get to the studio, Alex is going to be performing with Sam Ryder, he didn't know about that and is very pleased (in studio this is supposed to be a big surprise for the audience at the very end)
- the bus reaches the studio, everyone cheers, it keeps driving, apparently they need to to kill time so they're going around again, Alex looks defeated, youtube chat starts revolting demanding they let them get off for a wee and saying this is unfair treatment
- #toolong #freealex #freethebattersea6 are spammed in chat
- they're finally able to get off, caught several 'oh my gawd' s from poor Alex iykyk
- there's some like bavarian horn players waiting for them ??
- yt livestream camera now backs off and films from behind a bush as tv camera gets ready to take over, someone in chat says they feel like Richard Herring on taskmaster
- told 3 minutes before tv takes over, energy starts to pick up now as they get ready
- rest can be seen on channel 4, they walk through the hallways singing and pass lots of like dancers, cheerleaders etc on the way, Alex keeps stopping briefly to say hello and ask which way
- big moment as the doors open, Alex says he's nervous, Greg is on stage, Alex says 'Greggles!!', Sam Ryder joins the stage Alex mostly sings and Sam joins in at the end, hosts come on stage lots of hugs for Alex, think he tears up a little bit
(this is written entirely from memory like 3 hours after it happpened so I probably missed a lot and I can't remember where hour 23 actually started)
- Harry Hill is there
- they've all changed into suit jackets
- live studio appearance
- immediately after they're all carted out and then walk out the shopping centre singing
- they get put on a boat where Leigh Francis (Keith Lemon) and an enthusiastic audience are waiting for them
- Alex is very happy to see Leigh, at this point though his voice is pretty shot
- they try to do a verse but somehow none of them know the lyrics yet
- at one point Alex picks up the guitar to play and smacks Will on the head with it
- Will loses his pick inside the guitar and there's some drama as everyone watches him get it out
- think they actually hit hour 23 whilst on the boat
- couple(?) more live studio pieces
- Leigh plays the drums badly for a little bit
- everyone cheers and puts their hands up as they go under bridges
- they go past the o2 and see billboards which say 'Go Alex go!' Alex says what they really mean is 'Go Mark, go Joe, go Ed, go Will and go Ben' but he'll take it
- they get off the boat and walk to the cable cars
- they pose for a picture maybe(???) on a bench, three of them sit on the bench, Alex goes behind and Will stands to one side, Will keeps bending over and just staying slouched down like that, poor guy, yt chat keeps asking if he's ok
- the cable car just barely fits them all on
- Leigh is scared of heights, Alex finds the whole thing quite exciting
- getting ready for live studio piece, organiser lets them know greg is in the studio, Alex says 'of course' (resigned? or just tired)
- live studio piece (In studio Greg Davies is there and he says Alex looks about close to tears with how exhausted he is, says he's very glad to see that but also that it's an amazing thing he's doing - Alex and the others can't hear any of this)
- After cable car they're taken over to a bus but can't get on yet for some reason
- Alex and Mark run off in different directions to different bars to use the loo, when Alex runs off it looks like he runs directly into traffic lol
- they finally get on the bus, they have to go to the top floor where a crowd of gen z are, Alex goes up the stairs last and there's a bit of a hysterical cheer as his head appears above the banister
- faffing around as they work out where to sit and position the camera
- they all look absolutely knackered, also at this point they now know that they'll have to do longer than 24 hours to finish in the studio
- the bus takes ages to actually start moving, everyone's confused and frustrated
The Horne Section how-long-athon (most of) hour 18
- how each of the band prepared:
- Ed: slept soundly for 14 hours
- Will: slept 8 hours
- Joe: did a gig in Liverpool, had a few beers, slept 4 hours
- Mark: slept 7.5 hours (above average according to Alex but Alex say he has massive bags under his eyes but that's usual, also he has a black eye because he fell off a lime bike)
- Alex: had a curry and slept 6.5 hours
- Good boy Ben: went to bed at 9:30pm to be prepared, had 45minutes sleep because he was too excited
- children's ukulele band arrives, Alex asks each of their names and they all get a cheer, they gift Alex a matching santa hat, Alex and the kids make the teacher do a solo
- Hugh Denis arrives dressed like Steve Jobs, he gives Alex a drink that he says Rachel said he has to drink, Alex downs it very quickly and says 'she'll be very pleased with me'
- Hugh says he was in the church choir for a year and he just mimed then got kicked out for being useless, Alex says Rachel also mimed in a choir
- Hugh plays the swanee whistle, Alex does some squats in time with it
- Alex goes to the loo and leaves Hugh in charge, Hugh asks the audience some questions (without being able to hear any of the answers)
- Alex returns and Hugh leaves, the only three band members left are Alex Ben and Joe, Alex tells the story of how they all grew up together
(at this point they took down the livestream as I was going back to write this >:( )
- Joy leaves, Alex calls her a 'lovely singer, horrible person' (joking)
- Alex interrogates a member of the crowd about the size of her ball of wool
- Alex goes to the loo and Joe takes over as lead singer
- Social media team bring a sign for Alex to read out for some promotional content
- Alex says he's not going to sing for a bit because Will is mad at him, says he will rest his voice for 15 minutes (he doesn't- foreshadowing)
- Alex and Joe do their blindfolded macarena (with a donut instead of the rose)
- cute baby high five
- Alex asks for a saxophone solo and says with any luck this could be Marks 5th hernia, Joe says Mark was advised not to take part in this after having a bike accident where he bruised his shoulder and cracked his rib
- They see how close they can get to silence without ending the song
- Alex plays some piano
- Ed has a blister on his poor little piano thumb but he still makes the sweetest of sounds
- Rachel returns with hot drinks, think Alex asks her something about his bag and coat at the hotel, another hug and kiss before she leaves
- Joe has the idea to invite the crocheting lady up to sit in front of them and they play in time with her crocheting for a bit before they all decide it's a bad idea
- Alex compliments a man's christmas jumper, invites him to the front for a closer look, and tries to ask him where he's from and what he does with a lot of difficulty considering Alex can't hear him
- Joe does a very daring jump off a 1ft platform and switches to drums
- Alex says his top 3 guests have been 'jedward, jedward and mr blobby'
- Alex makes the crowd wave their hands in the air very fast
- two people run past the window very fast an Alex shouts 'thieves!'
- crowd guessing Bens star sign, he's aquarius, Alex says Ben has the aquaman poster tattooed on his back
- Alex fiddles with the keyboard and makes the music go all wobbly
- Omar arrives and does some great singing for a few minutes then leaves
- another cute baby high five
- Ed wins the party popper for being the most improved band member
- jedward going absolutely nuts, Alex got a piggyback (they also call Alex 'Andy' a lot), one of them runs out into the crowd and takes selfies with everyone, they ask for the windows to be cleaned and then make the two people who come out to clean them wipe in sync with their dance
- stripped back song as half of them eat their lunch
- fruit pastille magic trick (joe spits a fruit pastille into alex's mouth)
- zumba with mr plinky plonk
- Abdul asks where Greg is 'he slips into rooms, he glides, unexpected like james bond through the world, no one knows where he is at any time, he's so small and graceful he just appeared from nowhere'
- Shaun Ryder turns up with the flu, he does some verses as an Elvis impersonator?, Alex asks if they can go and watch darts together one day
- alex plays kazoo for a bit
- Huge Davies arrives 12 hours late with a keyboard, he plays animal noises then plays the song as a church organ on his own for a moment as everyone else takes a break, Willip and Ben sing along as choir boys
- Rachel appears not on camera and Alex apologies for being late home, Alex invites her to join them for the 16 hour mark, they have a hug and dance together a bit, Rachel pops the party popper then kisses Alex bye
Hour 16
- James Acaster plays the drums, accuses the Horne Section of causing the pandemic, tells a joke and Alex tells a weird one back about his wife having two glass eyes
- Mark Watson appears with hydration drinks and donuts and fulfils his earlier promise of learning the song in German (just reading the German off his phone), Alex tells him he has much greater respect for him as a man now because of Marks previous 24hr challenges, Alex says next time he has to do it Japanese but respectfully
- James tells a story about bombing a gig the night before because he was preceded by a massive sports personality (the band guesses who it was for ages), also the host lied to the crowd and said he won taskmaster, says Alex's menu on Off Menu was shit and repeatedly asks Alex how much he gets paid on Taskmaster
- A lady asks Alex to wish her sister happy birthday then teaches Alex her family's dance
- Someone gives Alex a friendship bracelet
- James runs away awkwardly as soon as the next guest arrives
- Joy Crooks arrives, Alex asks her to sing badly for a bit and then she does some lovely singing after, they have a sung conversation about buying christmas presents, they talk football a bit, she talks about her younger brothers and Alex talks about his kids, they do a punk version of the song, she calls Alex's tooth gap endearing, says 47 is her lucky number, Alex says his age is 47 and she says 'you're my lucky number', electro version, they do some westlife impressions, motown version for the hour mark
I was at the studio record for tonight's taskmaster episode, so full debrief below the readmore! (Spoilers for TM S18E5)
[Some things may be paraphrased as I wrote it all down immediately after the episode record.]
ARRIVAL AND SEATING
We got to the studio at about 10:15am, there were approx 10 people there already
The staff didn't turn up till 10:30 so we made our own queue
Staff moved our queue and told everyone with cars in the visitor carpark to move them, they join the queue in their cars while people on foot queued in the rain
Lots of waiting around, then the queue was moved, then a quick security check, then wristbands and more waiting around. There were not enough toilets. There were snacks and drinks available to buy but no "real" food.
We started moving again at 12:45.
The first 22 people got orange wrist bands and we were put in the gallery! (11 on each side)
The gallery itself is only as deep as the chairs, it's very much only decorated on the sides that the camera can see.
The decoration behind us was plasticy and painted gold, kind of like paper plate material.
The wall was painted with the same pattern as the sides, but super small, gold on red, but looked less neat than the big stuff which is more visible on camera.
Underneath us was bare wood and we were in a metal frame.
My friend went to the loo and said Greg and Alex's seats arrived on the back of a trailer and stopped at the zebra crossing for her.
The studio was much smaller than I expected, 5 or so rows of seats in the front section, literally within arms reach of the seat 1 contestant. This looked like it was all people with a red wristband, who were 2nd after orange.
The back section was bigger, I'd say maybe 8 rows deep? And wider.
There was some reshuffling of seats near the end, some people who were right at the back were put in the front row at the last minute (probably some priority people didn't turn up?)
I don't think anyone's view was obstructed by cameras, but the left gallery couldn't see the contestants' faces, while the right gallery (including me) couldn't see Greg & Alex's faces.
(I did see Alex's shoulders sort of hunch every time he got the giggles though which was incredibly cute)
INTRO
Mark the warm up man got people shouting out & making noise (he comes back at every ad break, and every set change break)(some of the breaks he asked if we had any questions about the filming of TM and answered them to the best of his ability)(one time we played audience tinder, which is like audience guess who but based on 1 single person's romantic requirements (man, single, over 23, under 30. This got everyone out, and mark announced that was why she was still single.)
Mark brought Greg on
Someone shouted happy birthday
Greg: it's not today, it was on the 14th. I'm 55. Today it's ............................... It was.................
Someone in the Audience: it was on Tuesday!
[Note today is thursday]
Greg: At a certain age you stop counting birthdays. I woke up and realised I was closer to 60 than 50, And genuinely the first thing I said when I woke up, alone in my bedroom, was "blink"
Greg brought Alex on
Alex: I have some bad news
Greg: oh no
Alex: you're actually 56
Greg: oh what did I say?
Alex: 55
Greg: oh I was in a good mood and you've put me in a bad mood now
Greg asked the audience for help with Alex's improv
Alex was told to come up with a Pop song about corn
This was misheard by Greg as porn
They decided on corny porn
Greg gives Alex a beat
Alex [singing]: Sometimes a man gets lonely
*Greg and audience piss themselves, Alex breaks*
Greg: I thought I'd give you some time there to come up with a rhyme for lonely
Alex: oh I'm going for an ABCB rhyming scheme
[Slightly paraphrased in places because I'm not perfect]
[Greg beat starts up again]
Alex, Singing:
Sometimes a man gets lonely
And that man is Alex Horne
all his friends are out for the evening
So he opens his corny porn
[verse 2]
*Something about Cracker jokes*
*something about a boy and a girl*
*[I forgot this line]*
And then they have full sex.
(((If anyone was there and remembers these lines I will happily make edits)))
Greg: I thought you were going to shy away from the sex
Alex: oh, no, didn't shy away
Greg: they have legitimate sex
Alex: well they do love each other, so it's legitimate sex
Alex: But it wasn't being filmed
Alex: It was actually behind a closed door
Greg: so it wasn't porn at all
Contestants are introduced to the audience by greg before they all sit down
Andy zaltzman is wearing a snooker outfit, with cue and chalk. He is told (by Greg, who was told by the greenroom) to put the cue over his left shoulder so the cameras can see him. He says the producer told him to wear it over his right just before the show. Greg relays this to the greenroom, and then says [to greenroom] "bit harsh", and [to Andy] "he called you a lying cunt"
Babatunde aleshe
Emma sidi
Jack Dee
Rosie jones
The Makeup team come on, there's some admin stuff (fire safety etc)
Then it starts properly, they play the introduction on the big screen
Greg: A man who told me fire fighters are the ¿Least ?? ? Of all the emergency services.
Alex: I was most scared if this one because if my house burns down...
Greg: Well you should stop telling me these things
BANTER SECTION
Alex: The group chat is popping off
The taskmaster WhatsApp, we've had some questions
Alex: Question from Brian. Actually, a lot of people asked this. Are Greg and Alex twins?
Alex: Someone else asked if I was ok
Greg: yes I always wonder that
Alex: I had an ECG and felt better
Alex: an EGG
Alex: I had an egg.
Greg: *Groans*
Greg: You do it on purpose. I was in a good mood. You've put me in a foul mood. Is that really all you've prepared? Someone thinks we're twins, and you've had an egg.
PRIZE TASK
Thing that's best when you add water
Baba, trying to defend jelly to greg: "You know when your mums just like-"
Greg: "sorry I'm going to stop you there, it sounded like you called my mum a slag
*General confusion*
[They Continue]
Baba: you know when your mums a slag
*Everyone in the audience heard it this time*
Baba confused, everyone else pissing themselves
*Repeat multiple times, everyone getting more and more hysterical*
Baba: you know when Your Mum *Says*...
Greg, holding his ear piece: How likely is it the slag comments are going to be left in? The gallery says 100%.
TASK 1: Alex is a robot, direct to charging port, gibe an instruction every 10 seconds, robot wont follow instructions with o or e
Emma makes sexual moans when she sees the robot
Greg replays VT multiple times, she calls it "Platonic arousal"
Long discussion about mascots and those tall wobbly dancing tubes, and Mr blobby
Emma loves them all but they have to move
Greg brings up a butcher mascot which was a pig cutting parts of itself off, but it doesn't move so Emma isn't interested. If it moved she'd like it
Andy: Coming from a Jewish background, would the pig cutting parts of itself off be kosher?
Emma: no! [Pause for laughter/apology/embarrassment] sorry, no because pork isn't kosher. It's the trotters.
Someone: if the pig cuts its own trotters off then maybe it could be kosher
Greg: snip snip snip, out it goes
[There's a submarine in the garden?!!]
Emma, during task: walk lady
Emma, in studio: I changed it to walk by lady, I realised I could say by
Greg: Bisexual lady?
Emma: I'm not assuming the sexuality of the robot
Lots of "I mean him, not me" from Alex when talking about the robot
Rosie points out she got a lap dance from the robot
Emma: "Oh robot - we've found it!" (Or similar)
Greg takes the piss multiple times throughout the ep
TASK 2: make the strongest smell and put it in this jar. *Jar is sealed for 3-4 months until the studio record*
Rosie's sounds very very ominous, everyone is scared
On the back of the task it says anyone who is unwilling to smell their own jar gets 0 points
They talk about how that's definitely backfired on Rosie
Rosie: I'm actually quite excited, I want to smell it
Greg makes Alex read something out
Alex: oh, strange, this one is handwritten. Alex also has to smell the jars or Greg will kick him in the gooch
Emma pretends hers smells super strong, Greg describes it as mild
Baba: marmite and coffee, makes his eyes bulge
Rosie's is hugely disappointing. She repeats how disappointed she is. Greg doesn't believe her until he smells it and says he is also disappointed.
Andy's makes all the contestants gag (sardines, vinegar, huge mix of random crap, detergent, soap,)
Alex: I was surprised you went with things that remove stubborn smells
*The smells waft up to the balcony and to some of the front row. *
Jack's makes Greg lightheaded and have to pause for a bit (air freshener)
Later, in one of the breaks:
Audience member: why didn't Alex smell the smells?
Audience ooh and mutter
Mark: very good question
[Alex did not then smell the smells :( ]
TASK 3: Present a heartwarming local news story
[Team task!]
Rosie and Jack
Andy, Emma and Baba
The intro to this gets played again because they did some smelly pickups while the table was still out, and then packed it up again, and by that time everyone had forgotten what the task was.
Greg says Andy looks younger as Isabella the old lady than as himself
*Greg talks shit about both their attempts*
Greg says he thinks they both did really well
Alex: *do* you think that? It didn't sound like that
Greg says Emma could genuinely be a newsreader (Emma: middle class), then there was a whole section where Rosie and Greg talk about how alluring/hot Fiona Bruce is
STUDIO TASK: catapult parachute target
During set up we could see Alex on the side of the stage waiting for everything to be ready, we waved at him from the balcony and he waved back with confused but happy smile
The edge of the target was literally 50cm away from the front row. Front section were warned to 'watch out'
Mark: I wasn't sure I was allowed to mention it being a catapult
*Shadow of a catapult clearly visible through the screen*
Baba tried to shoot one really flat and it flew straight into the audience (3rd row!)
He immediately sat on the losers bench before the others had even gone
Emma's doesn't unfurl and goes 2nd row of the audience
Rosie Vs jack at the end: Rosie playing up the cerebral palsy deliberately to put jack off, stuff like "you wouldn't beat a disabled girl", and "I have cerebral palsy", "I didn't breathe for 17 minutes"
Jack really struggled to get his last shot because he was bent over laughing
It looked like a draw, Greg had to adjudicate
When he called a win for jack, Rosie pretended she was really struggling to walk over to the losers bench
After they'd all been:
Alex: I'm really glad they all flew. In the rehearsals we had loads of crap goes
Greg: How do you feel jack?
Jack: Guilty
Greg: And how do you feel Rosie?
Rosie: *Big fake sad face (which kept breaking)* "...*tiny broken voice* sad :( " *Followed by instant giggles*
TIE BREAK: how many days old will Alex be on Christmas day 2024? Have to be looking into his eyes the whole time
Emma Vs jack, Emma got very close, jack just gave up. Rosie actually got the closest (within 70? Days)
END:
And we've learned that my mum's a slag
We were told it was the first time ever all 5 contestants have won the first 5 episodes
*Contestants leave*
Man with crutches in audience [to rosie]: before this I thought you were so sweet (ominous pause) but now I think you're *wonderful* [Rosie hugged him!]
Greg: we all thought you were going to say something horrible. I was getting ready to put Alex between us
PICKUPS
Greg and Alex do lots of repeats for previous fuck ups and make lots more fuck ups.
*Talking to empty chairs*
Greg keeps apologising for how long it's all taking
Greg: we all want to go home
Greg: We're going to do a physical bit and you're going to absolutely love it. You'll know it when you see it.
*At the end of one of the pickups they both turn in their chairs and look at the blank screen. Audience love it*
Greg gets told by the gallery to repeat ¿papas meat?
Greg:shall I do it sexier? How much sex do you want? 8/10 sex?
Alex: you sound like Rachel
*They do a massive exaggerated turn to the screen*
Greg: I overcooked that one
They repeat the shakespeare bit 2 or 3 times. Greg says every time he's asked to do it again he'll ham it up more.
Alex: I'm really hungry, are you really hungry?
They did some extra "taskmaster the live experience" advertisment filming
Greg notices a really big man in the audience and asks him how tall he is (6'5") and then gets very distracted by his "brethren" and repeatedly flubs his lines
Greg: What are you doing?
Greg: Look at me you grubby little ferret
[This was repeated about 5 times because Greg kept fucking up, and then when he got through it Alex immediately fucked up the next line]
Greg said we were the best audience so far (he also said he wasnt lying or exaggerating. If anyone else has been to one, does he say this to evey audience?)
Got let out at 5pm
[Extra things that I can't remember when they happened]
Alex: When we watch telly together
Greg: ... Because we are actually lovers *puts hand on alex*
Greg: Or so some corners of the internet would have you believe
During breaks, makeup people come in and remove the lint from Greg and Alex's jackets, Alex gets a sticky roller, Greg gets a little brush
They dab Greg's head as well
Greg: I like making people on the internet angry
Overall a delightful day out, 10/10 experience, would recommend!
until death do us part. // i guess cause you’re next to me, in my life
🖤💙
all references below cut
(DanAndPhilGAMES, Dan and Phil are Chained Together / Daniel Howell, Basically I'm Gay / Sleeping at Last, Venus / Daniel Howell, Instagram 05/02/2023 / DanAndPhilGAMES, Phil Pushes Dan's Button for 18 Minutes / Attitude, 2020)
(Phil Lester, Creator of the Year speech / AmazingPhil, Dan is leaving me / Daniel Howell, Twitter 11/22/2009 / AmazingPhil, Twitter 12/02/2009 / The Paper Kites, Bloom / AmazingPhil, Twitter 12/19/2009)
(AmazingPhil, Robot death machine / Daniel Howell, Gay and Not Proud / Daniel Howell, Formspring 12/03/2009 / Daniel Howell, We're All Doomed / AmazingPhil, What Dan and Phil Text Each Other 2 / Daniel Howell, Formspring 2009)
(Daniel Howell & Phil Lester, The Internet Is Here / Halsey, Strange Love / BBC 1 Radio, Dan and Phil Season 1 Episode 1 - Highlights / Daniel Howell & AmazingPhil, Instagram 06/28/2024 / AmazingPhil, Twitter 01/12/2010 / Daniel Howell, Twitter 06/18/2021)
(Daniel Howell, Formspring 12/03/2009 / AmazingPhil, How Phil Nearly Died / ibid / AmazingPhil, What Dan and Phil Text Each Other 2 / AmazingPhil, Why Dan had to call an Ambulance / AmazingPhil, Why I Went To Hospital)
(AmazingPhil, I TRY TO GIVE DAN A HAIRCUT!! / Daniel Howell, Instagram 05/04/2023 / Death Cab for Cutie, I Will Follow You Into The Dark / Daniel Howell, Basically I'm Gay / Nat "King" Cole, Nature Boy / Daniel Howell & AmazingPhil, Instagram 07/10/24)
(Daniel Howell, Younow 04/30/2013 / DanAndPhilGAMES, DAN AND PHIL MASSIVE PIZZA MUKBANG 2 / Daniel Howell & AmazingPhil, Instagram 07/10/24 / Daniel Howell, Basically I'm Gay / AmazingPhil, Twitter 10/19/2009 / Halsey, Ya'aburnee / AmazingPhil, Dan VS Phil | Hometown Showdown)
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