07-21-17
Hi. I am going to release some sort of feelings by the use of my language or maybe an english, sometime. I'm Annie. I'm 21 years old now but turning out 22 this November. I didn't have the chance to go on the stage and get my diploma. I'm still undergraduate. I'm still the "palamunin ng mga magulang" even at my age. I am still the "nagasalig sa parents", the "pariwara", the "pasaway". I didn't have the chance to graduate at my age but I am not a pasaway. Dili ko pasaway na bata, I am not going to waste such chance without a reason. My reason might not be valid to you but it will and always will be to me. My family sees me as a failure. Yes, capital F.A.I.L.U.R.E. Failure because I wasted such time and chance because of my nonsense reason. Failure because I didn't graduated in my exact time. I AM A FAILURE to them. The biggest failure to them. I got depressed, I want to commit suicide but that doesn't change the fact that I am a failure. My family want me to go back to school but I don't want to anymore. I feel like I'm going to suffocate inside the school. I feel like I'm going to die. There are a lot of bullies, gossips, maniacs, hopeless and teachers who don't give considerations. I don't want to go back to a place that was once my home. It's hell to me now. My life sucks big time. What to do? Where to go? Who to trust? I don't know what to do anymore. I am nowhere to be found. I'm lost. 💔 Now, I am pushing away the people who intended to be a part of my life. Ayoko nang mapalapit pa sa kanila. Maybe they are a lesson but they will definitely just a passer in my life. No one's going to stay. If ever someone is reading this one now, maybe I am gone or I let you read this. Have a blast, enjoy your life. Don't put up some things that will make you regret. Hwag mo kong gayahin. Bilanggo sa isang kahapon na kailanman ay hindi na babalik pa. I lost my friends, my best friends. I push them away from me. I push them para hindi ko na sila masaktan pa. Sila ang taong ayaw kong saktan because they were there when I don't know what to do. Nandyan sila nong mga panahong wala akong makapitan kahit na pamilya ko. Nandyan sila para gabayan ako and they were there to give the love I am needing. I lost my boyfriend for three months. Like my friends, I pushed him away too. Eksaktong third monthsary namin hiniwalayan ko siya. "Hindi na kita gusto." sabi ko sa kanya para maniwala siya but the truth is that I am just pushing him away from me. Saklap no? Ngayon ako pa rin ang nasasaktan, ako parin! I lost my friends, closest friends. Like the people I pushed away, I push them too. No communications at all. I pushed them without prior notice. I am bad and I am so evil but that is my way of saying I don't want them to get hurt because of me. Ayoko nang makasakit pa bahala nang ako ang magdusa. Indeed, I'm bleeding. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Grabe ang sakit 💔 mas gugustuhin ko nalang maging manhid kesa masaktan. Nakakapagod. I want to just end up everything. I want to suffer my own consequences and just die. 😔💔 - Annie.