Hey everyone; this post has been a long time coming. Most of you know I’ve been a ghost on here for a while, but recently I’ve felt the need to make my step back more official and give it a little closure. That of course led me down the rabbit hole of thinking over the past nine years of my life, and I realized yet again the impact this fandom, these boys, and this space has had on me, and I wanted to memorialize that.
Nearly nine years ago I suffered a traumatic physical emergency which stuttered my whole life course, and through the depressive year that followed I somehow stumbled upon Harry Styles. I had a normal tumblr back then, but by spring and summer of 2017 I had fallen down the Larry hole and become this. Alone and dealing with trauma and pain, I spent countless hours in this community writing fan fic, discovering my sexuality, unpacking religious trauma, working through issues and ideas I had never encountered and just… changing. I went back and looked at a couple of my fics recently, and I realized I never really wrote about “the boys;” I used the boys to write about me. That’s the gift that fandom gives you, a template to draw out any poison in your soul, bind it to paper, and sip it slowly with others, and as it’s shared it transmutes to a tonic that heals you, maybe also heals them, somehow. I don’t really know how to tell people that the biggest force for change and recovery in my life over the past decade was a boyband fandom where everyone believes Harry Styles is married to Louis Tomlinson, but it’s true.
You all healed me. Every comment left on my fics, every kind ask sent, every mutual squealing with me in the tags. I’ve loved you all, I miss you all. I wish I had the time and energy to stay engaged still; truth is, I’ve pivoted to the career I never thought I’d get to have, and I have it now, because of you. I wouldn’t be where I am today without this space, without you all. I’m so thankful. I’m so sad to see this era of my life fading away, to feel myself care less and less with that excited, lovely gut feeling whenever a new picture of the boys pops up. I don’t know if I’ll write Larry fic again, but I hope so, someday. One thing is for sure, I’ll never stop believing they were or are in love. That is a formative revelation that changed how I saw life for the better.
I’ll not stop writing, either. I’m going to publish PITS, someday, in some iteration. I’m writing my own stories now, things I’ve wanted to imagine since high school. I’m still excited about the boys’ music, and I can’t wait for new albums to drop. I might pop in from time to time to watch the frantic excitement of my dashboard, to see the names of old friends from what now seems like a past life. Sometimes it hurts to turn the page and admit an era is over, but I think I’ve known for a long time now that my part of the story here is at an end. I hope you all keep enjoying the magic, the fun, the friendship, the Big Bang’s, the drama. And I’m not disappearing altogether, I’ll check in from time to time.
No need to reblog this or anything, but I want to hug and thank @twopoppies @metal-eye @chotime @whiteknightonasteed @evilovesyou @reminiscingintherain @roseandbee @unicornamy @uhoh-but-yeah-alright @indiaalphawhiskey @iamasphodelknox @old1ddude @pop-punklouis @phdmama @pfromb @ahotknife @strangenewfriends @definegirlfriends @freddiesmyqueen @golddustdyke @genuinemusic @justalittlelouislove @knightchanges @kindofsharethat @kingsofeverything @louisandthedagger @lululawrence @cathuniverse @cuethetommo @crinkle-eyed-boo @bulletprooflarry @becomeawendybird @briannamarguerite @nottooldforthisship @maleksrami @mediawhorefics @always-aqua @haztobegood @thewhitecitrus
I’m sure I’ve left off many more changed urls and lovely friends.
Wishing you all the best of life, love, and springtime.
