Bea's Corner of the Internet

[hbf2929]

stress

I am officially stressed out. My boss just threw a pile of work on my face today and I'm in my fourth year in college. So busy. I'm not sure I can sustain a healthy lifestyle with all the tasks that have been given to me. I feel super overwhelmed. I'm not sure how I can survive this academic year or this year for that matter. I don't want to let go of my Sunday relaxation... There's just so many things to do!!!

But I need to breathe...

I need to remind myself that I am capable and I am strong. I am blessed to have this job where I'm able to use my gift in writing. I am grateful that my job will surely employ me for the whole year and the year after that because of all the work I need to do. I need to maximize my time. I need to focus on the good things in life. I shall not complain. I know this is such a stressful time of my life and I am terrified of the unknown. But... at the end of the day. I am human. I should not expect myself to be perfect in any part of this process. I will be able to find my flow and things will work out just fine. My mind is only magnifying the job because I haven't reached the hang of it. Soon, I'll look back here and realize that I was right.

[hbf2929]

body shaming

Some days, it's just so much harder to suppress my inner critic. I have several and each of them has her own area of specialty. Today, I've been dealing with the body-shaming critic. She's been complaining and pointing out the fact that I'm too big for the clothes I want to wear. Past 1 a.m., I was still scrolling through online clothing shops, trying to find a fucking lettuce ribbed shirt that would fit. I hate that LARGE is a fucking SMALL. EXTRA LARGE is a goddamn MEDIUM. I felt so discriminated last night. I liked so many clothes but when I scrolled to the descriptions, most of them said "Plus size: NO." So where the fuck do I fit in? Am I not a woman, too? Why are you making clothes only for females with teenage bodies??? I want to wear crop tops too!!! I want to wear denim shorts too!!! COMFORTABLY. But I can't find any that will fit me... I hate it. I hate it so much... And my body-shaming inner critic is using this negative emotion to point out all my other insecurities. To make me feel super bad about myself. To make me feel not enough. But why the hell am I trying so hard? Do I really want those clothes? What do I really want anyway? The beauty and fashion industry is making money off my insecurities. Somebody made me feel insecure about the clothes that I wear. Now, I want to buy trendier clothes. But wait. THEY WON'T FIT ME. So, now I want to lose weight. I need to go shopping for fucking chia seeds and watch tons of weight loss success stories on YouTube. Then, I exercise. I eat right. I go back to the clothes I wanted to wear, now with a thinner body. Then, I spend so much money. But then wait. I want my hair done too. I want my scars gone. I want my nails done too. FUCK THIS. FUCK YOU!!!! You don't know how much damage you're doing to women and girls!!! Most of us who are already thin to begin with aren't even confident about their bodies because you continue to give them reasons to feel insecure. I need a fucking break.

[hbf2929]

ripping his heart out

Sometimes I just fucking hate him. I love him but sometimes I just can't stand him. I can't help but remember what he did. He lied to me. For months. Still talking to his ex without even the respect to notify me. Why he did that, I can't answer for the life of me, but I'm not feeling too chill about it. I got into the accident the day after I found out. It wasn't his fault but I kind of blame him for it. I was seeking either peace or trouble just to get my mind off it all. Obviously, I found trouble. Lol. Whatever. I wish he never did what he did. I wish he was just honest, wish he didn't let me get hurt. But he did what he did, right? I called him right away when I found out I was still alive. What does that say about how I feel about him? What does it say about me? If he did that to me again, he's gonna pay for it. I'm gonna rip his heart out I swear to God.

[hbf2929]

Fashion Crisis???

I am having a goddamn crisis and have been for years. If you ask me what I want, I wouldn't know what to tell you. If it's the end of the world and the only way to stop its demise is if I describe how I want to dress my self or what I want to be five years from now, sorry, but we're all done. Sometimes, I want to do it like the 'cool' kids. You know, baggy shirts (funny enough, I've always worn baggy clothes but for some reason there's a spectrum to baggy clothes, and I'm on the uncool level), tight shorts, non-slip (?) slippers, whatever. But sometimes all the trying seem so ridiculous to me. I mean, everyone who wears that kind of style look so effortlessly trendy. If I did that, I don't think it'll take only a small amount of effort. So, most of the time I just dress with whatever I got. I just suck at dressing up myself. I wish I had a freaking stylist for just a day and money to buy myself clothes. But who cares what I wear if I don't even go out of the house??? I don't take many pictures of myself anyway either. So...what's the point? UGHH!!

[hbf2929]

Thoughts on 'The Maid'

At first, I thought this was a horror series. I guess it kind of is. The Maid is horrifying but not in a monstrous-house-where-people-died kind of way. it's more terrifying than that. It's real life, that's why. Everything that's happening to Alex and Maddy on the screen is happening to somebody outside of it. Somewhere out there, a woman is being domestically abused by a man. Somewhere out there, a child barely misses an object thrown at a wall. Somewhere out there, a child doesn't miss it. Somewhere, the punch hits a body. The hands wrap around a neck. it's beyond appalling. I can't even describe violence properly. But how could anybody unfold tragedy, smooth it out, and recognize anything human? There is nothing human about violence. But...what exactly is violence anyway? Is it just about blood and bruises? Is it also staying silent when you know it's happening to somebody? Is it staying still when you should run away? What can I do? It scares the shit out of me to know that at this very moment that I'm writing this, a woman is being held hostage, a child is hiding inside a cupboard, a stranger is being killed. I just...can't. I guess this is why I don't like fantasy movies. I just can't feel for the characters. But characters like Alex make me ache because I know people like her exist in real life. I hope they're all fictional instead. But that's such a naive thing to say, right? I feel helpless... Violence... It has so many forms, most of the time we're afraid to label violence as violence. I pray for every woman and child suffering in the hands of a misogynistic man right now. I hope they find their way out. I pray somebody out there holds out a helping hand for them to reach... Amen.

[hbf2929]

sometimes i just want to take pictures of myself for a solid hour. we can all be vain sometimes right?

[hbf2929]

I'm probably the least popular kid in every school I've gone to. lol. Random

[hbf2929]

Liking my new kicks

[hbf2929]

Survival Mode

Third term of my third year in college is a mess. I mean, it can be better. I can be better. But seriously, I'm just in survival mode. I don't aim to reach high or get flat 1.00 grades. The truth is, college sucks but it sucks less than high school. But another truth is that college only sucks because this isn't the majorship that I wanted. I want to be a writer but that isn't a very practical choice, is it? How am I supposed to excel at something I don't even care if I fail at? Well, personally, I don't care. But my parents do, so I've got to, too. Anyway, I just can't wait to graduate college and get a job. You know what, I can't wait to finish third year because next school year, I will spend the rest of my college days in the field (classroom). Just why am I ranting on Tumblr? I guess it really rattled me when Micah called me to answer but I didn't even try because I wasn't listening in class at all. Seriously, I've got to survive this. But, how? I really need to get my shit together. UGHHHHH

[minuty]

“There is no need of any competition with anybody. You are yourself, and as you are, you are perfectly good. Accept yourself.”

—

[minuty]

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”

—

[hbf2929]

I am beautiful. I am worth it. I am capable to do everything that I want in life.

[satiriyadis-35]

🌄

[a3n3g3el]

[thoughtkick]

When people are ready they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can’t make them change if they don’t want to, just like when they do want to, you can’t stop them.

Andy Warhol (via thoughtkick)

[minuty]

[hbf2929]

Survive

Don’t be shaken by this. You’re better than this. You will leave this place someday. And that someday is soon. You will be out of here soon. You will drive away and never look back. You will be everything YOU’VE ever wanted. You will be free. Someday. For now, survive this. Okay? Go ahead. Write your blog post. Survive. As you always do. One more time.