raucous heart.

heather. twenty one. intermittent explosive disorder. level one --- first month at brown.

[thejonymyster]

me: *wearing a ring*

guy: are you engaged?

me: engaged in combat *punches the guy in the face*

[cervidaeze-archive-deactivated2]

and when the dust of your rage settles you’re left in the dark palms pressed into your eyes wondering why you weren’t good enough

i blame myself. -jg (via jess-ray-and-vav)

[alice--griffin-deactivated20191]

Alice chuckled. “I take it you’re twenty-two?”

[hcathersmash]

“I feel like I’m eighty-two at this point, but yes, finally.” She finger-gunned her from a distance. “You got the fucking reference. Extra cool points.”

[janefitz]

“I think I might be depending on you too much. I’m using you to cope with what happened. I told my therapist I’m happy I came back because of us. You’re more than my support system. I’m sorry for putting that on you.” Jane spoke while Heather searched for the drawing. When she returned to her with it, Jane took it from her and held it in her hands. How she saw herself in the mirror was different to how Heather saw her. Jane could point out flaws she didn’t put down on paper. “It’s beautiful, more than that. Thank you.” She wrapped her arms around Heather. “I love you.”

[hcathersmash]

Heather’s jaw clinched and she was silent, for a moment, back still turned against her. Jane’s words grounded her, pulled her out of the lovey-dovey revere and also elicited the harsh, unspoken reminder of the possibility that she wouldn’t ever get out while Jane could. While Jane should. “And you’re more than what you might think you are,” she murmured, once she’d returned, once her hands had begun to cradle Jane’s face, avoiding her ears still. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit, Jane. You’ve fought your fucking battles too, on your own, without me. You’re doing it now. Even if it may seem like I’ve got some influence on it, you managing to survive and hecka kick ass this far is all of your own doing. I’m helping you but I’m not your crutch, I know, and I know you can still overcome whatever happened even by yourself. You’re stardust, remember? You might’ve fallen. Gotten a bit broken. But titty-ass fuck, you’re a fighter and you can fucking burn super bright again.” When Jane said she loved her it still felt like a punch, but one that didn’t make her want to scream. Instead she smiled, made her voice as soft as she could as to not overwhelm her. “I love you too. Gosh, I love you too, you lil’ nerd.”

[saoirlo]

“I’m a cool person now.. This is going to take some time to get used to. Saoirse Sizzle. I like that. Pepper? I didn’t realize she was so well known.”

[hcathersmash]

“Please never forget me once you’ve finally reached the Ultra Cool level, yeah? I don’t know. Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t, but she’s pretty hecka nifty and people should totally be aware of that. I’d rather just be the Humble Chick---Who Gets The Chicks.”

[brokenflo-deactivated20160622]

“Heather. Yeah. Pleased to meet you.” Looking down, she shrugged. “You mean the official diagnoses? PTSD and Substance Abuse.” The woman wanted to leave out her eating disorder; she didn’t know why, maybe it was because of shame. but she wanted to keep it from her. “Life just hasn’t worked out ideally for us, has it?”

[hcathersmash]

“You too. Don’t worry, I’m one of the k-ewl peeps here.” She tried to joke, light up the mood for a tad maybe. She’d been around for a little while now, it was kind of a cushy thing to guess that Flo wasn’t exposing all of it, which was understandable--she supposed. “That’s rough. I’ve got IED.” Heather let out a humorless laugh at the next inquiry. “Nope. Life is a total fucking asshole that likes to fuck us over. Buuut, I do hope things are gonna work well here for you, at least. Just try not to get yourself eaten. The non-sexy kinda eaten.”

[pepper-chase]

Birthdays were one of the most important ‘holidays’ in Pepper’s opinion, even if other people didn’t consider them to be that sacred. She hadn’t been very observant of them until she turned sixteen, when she got her first big ‘party’ and everyone was giving up their time and money just for her and Hanna had her blindfolded for a surprise trip, but after that, she couldn’t let other people’s pass without at least a fraction of that adoration. Something about the acknowledgement of a birthday reminded a person that being alive was something to appreciate, that they were worth something to someone. “I bet there are brownies in the kitchen. We could microwave them and then break out the ice cream and it’d be all melt-y on top.” She beamed up at her, tempted to sing a, ‘ta-da’, but just let out a breathy giggle. “Thanks, man. Nice to see that my white girl rapping skills haven’t gone anywhere over the years. Oh, yes. I’d need a cane and fur jacket and a gold grill, too. And a money sign necklace.” She tapped Heather’s fist lightly with her own and made a small explosion sound. “Fo’ shizzle, my nizzle, any time.”

[hcathersmash]

She listened to Pepper’s idea. Quiet, but brewing, there was a tender-sort of enthusiasm that had dwindled days ago due to the recent predicaments clawing its way back. Heather honestly didn’t come out bearing many plans, hunt for extra meal, confuse people with the T-Swizzle reference then retract back, but Pepper’s sentiment was enough to make her want to stick around and actually try to relish the day. Shit. She’d gotten mopey. “Sounds fucking nifty, bud. Maybe there are actually more than just brownies in the kitchen. Brownie Lady seems like a pretty clean girl, but I wonder if she ever made shit like hash brownies,” she veered off. “But perfect idea. Are you going to join, by the way, dine in? Or are you just going to stand there and whisper me extra recipes?” when Heather laughed afterwards, it was filled with rasps, so she quickly hid it with a cough. “You’re a pretty decent rapper for a white girl. Better than T-Swizzle, actually. Don’t forget the limos too. And again, the ladies.” She grinned. “Alright, c’mon then, Pep-Dawg. You’re the first person to wish me a happy birthday today, by the way. Feels like you deserve like lots of extra kudos for that.”

[johnsonandcoulson]

[waywardxo]

I have trouble controlling my emotions and it’s draining me. When I’m angry I become explosive and destructive. When I’m scared I panic and I can’t function. When I love I do it with all my heart. When I’m feeling compassionate I will give you all of my time and attention. I will do those things even if I don’t want to. I act on impulse. This is what has fucked me up.

(via spekub)

[littlealexia-blog1]

        alexia felt like shecouldn’t fight her off. no matter how hard she thrashed, it wasn’tworking. she could feel herself giving in – like she’d been givingin with everyone else. she was crumbling. “p-please get off me,”she croaked; all gwen was doing was trying to gain access to herhand, but she was being constricted and that was enough to triggerher. her arm wiggled free from gwen’s, the non-bloodied one, andgripped at gwen’s shoulder as hard as possible, trying to draw bloodor hurt her enough to make gwen let her go.

       “heather.” althoughshe’d been yelled at earlier, although her injury had been ignored –she still trusted heather, still saw her as a hero. still thought shewould be the one to come in and save her. “h – heather!” sheshouted her name now, through shut eyes and broken sobs, begging forsomeone to come save her. “HELP!”

[narcissistgwen]

Feeling pain from her shoulder, Gwendolyn cried out, her entire body flinching as the muscles in her neck tightened, her ear pressing against the others hands as her hand let go of the other. Blood around her mouth, she didn’t even know what she was doing.The grip was firm, very much like her mother’s had been back when she was younger. “Stop! I have to do this, you don’t understand.” It was distressing, what was happening to her? The woman didn’t feel like she was the one in control any more, it was something much bigger than that. “I don’t want to die.” But would it really have mattered? She had ruined all of her relationships and she had so many enemies in this place. There was nothing motivating Gwendolyn; her job was non-existent and she would never be let back in. But she shouldn’t have been if she wasn’t in control over her own thoughts. 

[hcathersmash]

    She’d been spending time roaming aimlessly. Ever since the freak out, ever since the surge of memories, ever since her fists started bruising up and tasted too heavy, like they were nothing but a reminder of what she was both on the inside and outside.  Heather had been avoiding more and more people, only showing up to occasionally check on Jane or eat --- the feeling of isolation that she felt like she deserved had taken over, made her outgoing shell crack. Honestly she just wanted some fucking rest.

Which was something she knew she wasn’t going to get anytime soon, because just when her ass was three seconds away from thawing down onto the rec room’s couch she made a mistake of looking up, studying her surroundings, and saw something that was sickening enough to almost make her throw up right away. ( She heard Alexia’s cries, ‘course, but thought it was just another chunk of worn-flashbacks. ) It was a reminiscence of two weeks ago. It was her and Mercy all over with much fragile resistance. She whined at how fast her feet shot up, darting over to yank the back of Gwen’s shirt and aiming to at least tear her from her victim.

She only bid Alexia a quick glance, a quick inspection, a silent are you okay, before she gripped Gwen’s arm and clenched it as hard as she could. “Fucking, really? First, Jane, and now you’re fucking attacking her?” It took every little inch of her willpower not to rip that fucking bloodied mouth apart. “Jesus fuck, look at you. Look at her. Look at what you fucking did. And you wonder why your people threw you into this shithole. You’re just as fucked up as the rest of the fucking psychos here, Gwen.” She was nothing but anger now, bile and venom rising in her throat. “You try touching her again and I swear to fucking god,” you make one noise, “I’ll not fucking hesitate,” and I’ll find a way to slit your throat, “to fucking slit your throat. Do you fucking hear me?”

@littlealexia

[janefitz]

Jane was still smiling, her eyes squinting at the end from how happy she was. She felt her cheeks getting wet. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. God, I’m fucking apologizing for crying.” She wiped under her eyes. “I just haven’t felt like this.. ever. I never liked anyone as much as I like you or felt comfortable. Even before everything. I don’t want to fuck this up.” She pierced her lips together. “I’m afraid. I don’t want to cause problems with your friends.”

She took Heather’s hand and trailed after her. She liked letting someone else take control over the situation, plan things for them. She especially enjoyed how she wasn’t scared for the ideas Heather had. She knew, and understood, Jane’s boundaries. She loved her, but hated repeating the phrase, worried it might lose meaning if she used it too often. “I’d love to see it.” She rubbed under her eyes again.

[hcathersmash]

Heather tasted soft swirls within her at the sight Jane’s tears. It was again, something reflexive, people’s tear-ups mucked her emotions. Call it another kryptonite of hers, when she wasn’t pissed, and the fact that this was Jane who was getting all puffy made her gape for a second. She had to remind herself that it wasn’t sadness. That Jane was crying not because she was hurt. “Ah, shit-tit. I made you cry. Sorry.” She chuckled, shakily. “Hey. This is all new to me too, haven’t had a real relationship in lord fucking knows how long. Nothing like this, anyway. S’okay to be scared, stardust. We’re in this together. We’ll figure something out, okay? Gonna talk to her, and we’ll see how it goes.”

She gently and playfully flicked a trail of tear off Jane’s cheek, then proceeded to venture into her room. Messier than usual -- which made it quite hard for Heather to rummage through the drawn papers. Once she’d found Jane’s, she trekked back, handing it to her. There were rumples here and there, but the condition was still relatively okay. “Sorry if it sucks donkey kong ass. My drawing ability got a little bit rusty.” Heather gave a sheepish grin. “I can re-draw, if you’d like.”

[saoirlo]

“Cool? Really? Me? Thanks.. I try really hard.” It seemed like everyone in the attic knew Heather, so being called cool by her was like being accepted into this group of neat-o people. “Yeah, it’s nice to know yours too. I don’t have to call you Popular Chick in my head anymore.”

[hcathersmash]

“Really. Well, you don’t have to keep trying anymore, Saoirse Sizzle. You’re super cool. Don’t let anyone or like, any possible mean parts of your brain tell you otherwise.” Heather was in her goddamn big sister mode again without even realizing it. She cocked her eyebrows at the nickname, then chuckled. “I’m not popular, I’ve just been around for a while now. I think the real Popular Chick here would be Pepper.”

[tiarasandgunsmoke-blog]

Olive sighed, looking at her crocs and back up to the girl. “The foods worse? I’m clearly not prepared for this.” She gave a brief smile before holding her hand out. “I’m Olive, nice to make your acquaintance, even under these circumstances.” 

[hcathersmash]

“No one is. Unless you’re like, that kind of person who’s just welcoming suckiness and hell.” Her hand waved for a bit, before it dropped to take ahold of the stranger’s--Olive--hand. “That’s cute. I’m Heather. Resident Hulk. Hulky Heather, ya-fucking-dda. Welcome, and be careful of the psychos and cannibals here.”

[brokenflo-deactivated20160622]

“Thank you, Miss. Positivity.” She frowned towards the other. “Alright, Heather. It’s short for Florence, but that’s really old fashioned. I don’t think I did get assigned, but they probably just forgot about me.”

[hcathersmash]

"That’s me.” Reluctance was a common thing. She’d appointed herself as a welcoming comittee for quite a while now due to her childlike curiosity, a good distraction too, and this almost felt just like an everyday spectacle. Frowns. Distrust. Couldn’t blame her. “So’s Heather. So yay for old-fashioned names.” She shook her fist lazily. “Or they’re just lazy. What got you here if you don’t mind me asking? What’s up with you?”

[pepper-chase]

Pepper didn’t really want to eat anything right then, but when she was able to translate Heather’s slang, she grinned. “It’s your birthday? Shit, we gotta find something better than Zebra Cakes. I mean, they’re not bad, especially when you’re used to crappy hospital food, but anything with a plastic wrapper isn’t festive enough.” She thought for a moment. “Hey, I think I still know some of it, I’ll give it a try just for you. Special gift and all. Feel honored.” She cleared her throat, then slumped slightly to create a vaguely ‘street’ appearance. “I’m like, eight foot fo’, blonde hair to the flo’, you shawties never thought I’d think about rappin’ hardcore, no, I ain’t got a car, no, I’ve never really been in a club– no, wait, I ain’t got a gun! Damn it. Uh… I’m so gangsta, you can find me bakin’ cookies at night– fuck, I don’t remember. Something about– oh! You don’t wanna fight me! In my extra small white tee! Yeah, that’s all I got. Pepperoni out.”

[hcathersmash]

It’d only taken her about five years since she’d been born to entirely acknowledge that she wasn’t ever going to get festive birthdays, really, but the fact that Pepper was trying to orchestrate something more than just a passing wish and a quick reminder of stale nights was enough to crook one genuine grin. “Maybe we could get brownies. Zebra cakes and brownies would like, fucking make my entire year.” She was ready prop out, ready to find Cara, maybe, until Pepper started to recite the song that she could barely recall even existed in the first place. Heather stood in awe, for a few seconds, like a dumbfounded statue but honestly she was very, very fucking impressed. “Holy tit in my hole of the ass.” She gaped and then barked a laugh, hands clapped. “Holy fuck, that was fucking cool. You should audition for the Next Rap Superstar. Or something. Get ladies in the process, be a fucking pimp. Yooo. Fist bump!” Her fist rose. “That was really amazing. Best birthday present ever. Thanks, Pep-Z.”

[littlealexia-blog1]

              “sounds beautiful.” she hated hearing about heather’s confinement; alexia knew she personally wasn’t staying in here forever, but she didn’t know the same of heather. it kind of worried her, to imagine the possibility of leaving and never seeing heather again. but she shook her head lightly, trying to shake the image from her mind. the next image that came wasn’t so pleasant: of jane and what she was planning on telling heather. she slowed down, hoping this wouldn’t put a taint on their garden trip. “it’s sort of a long story. i didn’t want to tell you, but i feel bad keeping it from you.” she hesitated, almost falling back in her steps. “it’s jane. we were talking, she was hostile toward me. and i don’t know where it came from, but she threatened me. told me she’d knock me out. and told me to stay away from you. for good.”

              the blonde shut her eyes for a second before continuing, her voice started to shake. last time she’d told someone this, she’d been shut down immediately. she felt sick to her stomach and she had to stop walking to be able to go on. “the doctors call it paranoid personality disorder with psychotic episodes. it means i take the little things and make them huge. that’s how i broke my wrist, and why i slept in the attic. i’m fucking scared of her, heather.” she breathed in a sigh, leaning against the wall, bringing her hands to her face to hide it. “i told her about this and she didn’t believe me. she ran off to find you. it’s been going on for a while, and that’s why i told you goodbye. it’s why i’ve been avoiding you. i’m scared. i’m scared she’s gonna see me with you and try to hurt me. i’m scared it’ll get too much and i’ll break more than a wrist next time. i’m scared.”

[hcathersmash]

  heather eventually halted walking altogether when more and more bits of the story were unfolded. honestly, she couldn’t give a single fuck about the garden anymore now that it turned out alexia was talking about jane --- she’d heard jane’s side of this whole fiasco, chalked it up as something a lot less severe. something surged from the inside. not necessarily anger, really, more like another big slab of exhaustion and tints of disappointment. heather wasn’t accustomed to this. she was used to diving straight into fights and hurling attacks, not this. not playing the goddamn peacemaker, not stuck here beginning to doubt whether or not she’d been protecting the right person (god, c’mon. it was jane---just to realization of her own doubts was making her feel nauseous). both of them seemed to be telling the truth, alexia just went and spilled the details that made her stomach crunch.

  “okay.” she finally managed to croak out, hand hovering over to rest on alexia’s arm to somewhat bid temporary comfort since her throat tasted like a chunk of coals at the moment. “okay. jesus fuck i-thanks for telling me that. i just,” a loud heave escaped and she couldn’t help herself, she leaned against the wall beside alexia before beginning to slid down. she was so tired. so much had been happening. she even could still taste mercy’s forced grip on her and she hadn’t told anyone yet. her fingers found the bridge of her nose. “i, um. i talked to jane earlier and she, uh. actually told me. she told me you were scared of her and, yeah. i didn’t know it was that bad.” goddamit, stardust. “listen. i’m not going to tell you to not be scared. it’s not my place to tell you what to feel. but i can assure you that you’ll be safe, okay? i’ve known jane for a little while now, didn’t know she could sound that hostile, sure, but.”

   she stopped to take a breath, then patted the spot next to her. “she’s not a bad person, lex. she’s got shit happen in the past too that made her wary and defensive or whatever and maybe that’s why she was like that to you. it was still a fucking shitty thing to do and i know this isn’t really going to fucking reduce the damage and shit but i - i don’t think she really meant what she said.” heather turned to face her. “i told her i’d talk to you. let you know she didn’t actually want a fight. didn’t want trouble. maybe i can talk to her again about this later. find a way to - fix this.” heather alcott broke things, never knew how to fix, never learned. but god, she wanted this to work. “find a way to make sure you’ll both be okay. i’m not going to run off, though. that i can promise you.” when she smiled, it was a wry smile. loopy. like a part of her was urging her to run. “we’ll figure out something, okay, blondie? i’m here. i’ll listen to you. if you need any comfy place to crash in the meantime i’ll get you one. trust me, i kinda excel at finding nifty hiding spots.” she nudged alexia’s leg with her knee. “you’ll be okay. i’ll make sure of that.”

[rvchelking]

[fyeahdaisyjohnson]

(*‿*✿)