i’ve been having a lot of bad days since june, and this is why i haven’t been around much, and you’ll say, but i’ve seen you around, talking nonsense about the world cup and promising your queue, yeah i have! but these pair of months have been me masking up how i feel and thinking that if i pretend i'm okay, i'll be okay.. but i've been feeling guilty, you know? you guys know i'm an open book, always have been, and i will continue to spill the beans to whoever wants to read it; i treat my blogs as a journal sometimes, not for sympathy points, but because i need to let it out and sometimes the people in your real life tend to be a little bit more judgey than usual.
i'll continue in read more because, there are topics that i need to not put out in the open open, you know what i mean.
so, recently i've lost three of my fur babies, i won't put the details here but i feel like the worst cat mom in the world, its just so hard, like you have no idea, three in the span of two months is just.. horrible and the guilt is still eating me alive. also, i've been hovering on the 6 that remain like a helicopter mom, because i refuse to let others go; that thing alone has been dampening my mood since june, and this is when my activity started to fluctuate.
then yesterday i had a big fight with my wife, and ended up me in an hotel room and my parents telling me to fly back to my hometown (my parents are like that, overprotective mexican parents that if you tell them you're suffering they will tell you to come back to their house, its normal, its what they know, but it also hurts, i do not blame them, and i understand them, they will always look out for me and i can't repay that), so while i was overthinking i was a mess, i didn't sleep and i cried all day, i had two anxiety attacks back to back, and i felt alone; the worst part is that my dad was like grab a flight and come home today or tomorrow, and i saw how close it was and i realized i didn't want to leave. so i talked with my wife (she knew where i was), and we're working things out, and we will because my mama didn't raise no quitter.
the only solace i have right now is doing something i like with someone i adore (they know who they are), and their presence makes me happy, so there's that; it'll take me a little while to go back, but i've overcome a lot of shit. believe me, i was [over]working as a teacher, and i still survived, so this is something i will handle.
if you've read this, thank you so much, and i promise i'm perking up, slowly, i just needed to let this out because not doing it also made me feel guilty in a way? idk, anyways, i love you so much, please give me a little bit more patience so i can get my blogs back up.
