As a fellow aspd tendency alter( if that makes any sense) how is your relationship with your fiancé? I want to get into a relationship, along with my systemmates but I’m afraid I’ll “mess it up” and a lot of people I see talk about how they would never want a relationship with someone with aspd And so it’s just difficult to see myself in a healthy relationship as a system and someone with aspd tendency’s so any advice you’d be willing to give?
It's... interesting to say the least. To be honest our fiance has thick skin and knows he can and when to call us - specifically me out. He's kinda my "safe" person who I respect enough to call me out when I'm on my bullshit and might not be aware since I'm extremely egosyntonic when I'm on my ""pisser"" as I call it; ie a high ASPD symptomatic flare up and so I don't really notice it until afterwards and I have to clean up my own mess; so I do appreciate him being able to - for a lack of better words - reality check and reflect on if what I want is what I want or me running off of my ASPD bullshit.
Largely my best attempt is to be straight up real from square one with how You Are™. It absolutely might scare / push some people away, but it also will function to remove people that either 1) do not have the "bandwidth" to work through the lows that are inevitable and 2) judgey assholes that would end up forcing you to repress your shit in ways that aren't productive, because at least in my experience, trying to hide the ASPD only makes it 50000x worse.
Cause you have to be a bit real, with any Cluster B (PD in general, but we have limited personal + second hand experience with others beyond OCPD and don't feel as confident talking about it), there will be lows and hard patches and for some, that fluctuation will be too much - an unfortunate but valid incompatibility to have. With that said, there are definitely people who can and are more than willing / capable to work with those so don't take that too discouraging. The only thing is that to avoid it being a shock or them finding out late in the relationship that you are "too much™", just be upfront about it and explain and try to be communicative to the best of your ability about how it works for you and generate a sense of rapport, trust, and understanding on how and where this comes from.
Our fiance already dealt with two other alters that have ASPD tendencies a bit before me and so when this system started dating hi he already had some experience with parts being *like that* but honestly when I came around I made our most antisocial parts look like they were Saint Teresa and he jokingly states that he "had to adapt to and accept that he was dating a would-be-terrorist" with how I talk, my impulses and my highly opinionated and extreme political takes.
I honestly also operate on a 0 masking policy with people I like and get along with cause I don't have the time or energy to be feigning shit with people I like, so I still do say and voice my fantasies / thoughts / impulses of some of the most batshit, asshole, low empathy, violent and arguably illegal bullshit; the key thing though is that he has built a large understanding on how the whole ASPD tendency stuff works for me as well as a trust / rapport with me that he can trust that it is very very unlikely that I will actually go about doing this because so long as I am "emotionally sober" and not on my "pisser", then I do very much value him and our system BEFORE any high that I could get from chaos, violence, or impulse that I have.
I think in a way he might actually find that almost endearing in nature from me but, thats beside the point.
TLDR, be honest with yourself, be honest with them, be transparent and self reflective about why and how your tendencies work and try to explain them if you can (or have another alter if you struggle and trust one with it) so that when things flare up they have the ground work to understand why you are the way you are and how to help you down regulate rather than escalate.
Cause personally for me, if I am denied the ability to self express in the slightest, I tend to rapidly escalate, so its very important for me - in close relationships - to be able to say things without them being taken too seriously because by saying shit, I DRASTICALLY reduce the likeliness Ill say it; plus it also comes with the benefit that he can pretty reliably know that I don't bullshit or lie to him, cause I don't hide my cards much at all.
You kinda just gotta find someone who has the right compatibility and bandwidth to deal with the highs and lows and personally just keep an eye out for yourself and be communicative about how you work to the best of your ability.
But also to answer the first question, I actually have a great relationship with our fiance. I think I worry him sometimes and stress him a bit with how I am, but nothing more than how other parts with their own issues do. We also have our own different form of romance and attachment / affection because I don't really experience love and attachment the same way others do (not sure if Id be counted aromantic, but my attachment methods are heavily broken and warped ngl) but that doesn't devalue or diminish the positivity and genuinity of our relationship.
-XIV
