my mind has been so foggy and so scattered - i have all these things to say, but no proper way of maybe expressing it. 2023 has really tested our relationship and what it is i’m really wanting and needing. it has sucked - it really has. i feel like all i’ve been doing is breaking the ice that is our relationship, and i’m slowly destroying it. i’ve felt extremely heartbroken in learning how terrible i’ve been to you, and the worst part is knowing that this has been happening since the first day of being together - which is a long time in belittling someone you’re supposed to love. it has been extremely selfish of me to have you stay, and a part of me has genuinely questioned how you can be with someone so toxic, but at the same time, i think i understand. it’s the same reason why you question why i’m with you.
there are many things i wish you were. i wish you were more active - not just cuz i know it’ll boost your confidence by a thousand, but cuz i am genuinely scared of your health when you’re older (esp. seeing it in my parents). i wish you had that drive and ambition to just live - you fear life so much that you miss all these opportunities in experiencing these wonderful moments and feelings. i wish you took initiative, not just in everyday decisions, but in your own life. i feel like you live the majority of your life by what others want rather than what you want. you control your own life, and you’ve always told me that, but you have never done it yourself. i know i’m hypocritical in this as i am one of those individuals who has probably influenced some of the decisions in your life, and stupidly enough, it’s also one of the main reasons that make me question my future with you. i’ve told you many times of this life that i want to create with you. a life that doesn’t include my family, nor your family, just you and me. but, in the past few years of me thinking about this more and more, i have never strongly felt that we were on the same page; no matter how many times i ask you, your answer has never been believable enough for me. one of the main reasons that i know we’re not on the same page is that there have been so many times where you’ve pushed me to the side and have made your family priority, without considering my feelings. listen, you taking care of your family the way you do is one of the reasons i fell in love with you. family, in general, has always been a priority for myself, and what i look for in a partner. i want you to really understand that when i say it. however, how can i believe that we are ever going to build this life together when there have been too many times where i’ve been mentally pushed to the side and forgotten. the time you told me that if your sister works on saturdays, we’d have to pick her up from work when realistically, she is capable of finding a way home. i see you once a week, which is really not a lot, and for you to think that i have to give up my time with you to prioritize something that can easily be resolved, puts me on the backburner. or how you owe me money for this trip, but you are willing to have your family borrow x amounts of money from you, when realistically, that is my money you’re giving away. unless it’s an emergency, you never considered my financial needs. i know you help your family a lot, and i love that you do, but i won’t lie when i say that i have felt pushed aside for “cleaning the toilets and tubs” or “i need to order them food so i can’t hangout with you” - trust me when i say that having a toilet being chosen before me is not the greatest feeling in the world. i know these are not intentional, and I know you have responsibilities, but when it happens all the time, it starts to feel dejecting. you may not understand where i’m coming from, the same way that i may not understand where you’re coming from, and i think that stems from us not being on the same page. i still hope that one day you’ll try to understand the same way i try. i think when it comes down to it - and i’ve said this before - is that you use your family as a crutch. i have this great fear that you’ll never have this life with me cuz you’ll always feel like you have to be there for your family 24/7 when realistically, there are a lot of moments where they are capable of doing a lot of things for themselves. they’re full grown adults, just like we are full grown adults, but i will always make it clear that if you feel like you can never let go of that mindset, i don’t want to be together - you will be wasting my time if you can’t be truthful to me about this. i don’t want to sever any type of relationship between you and your family - i love your family. maybe to you it’ll feel like i’m trying to ruin relationships, but i’m just trying my best to express this fear i have of you not wanting a life with me.
a part of me wants to be selfless, and wants to leave so you can just take this huge weight off your shoulders, and be free of anything related to me. i guarantee that if we break up, you’ll be breathing fresh air. another part of me wants to remain selfish, and wants you to stay because...well, in simpler terms, because i love you. i can criticize every part of you and tell you i’ll never be happy, but i’ll still love you. i’ll love you forever. if i strip down every confusing thought, every critical moment, every negative feeling, i see a simple boy, who has always treated me with respect, who has never yelled or gotten aggressive, who has always taken care of me with the gentlest touch, and who has always tried his hardest to make sure i am fully loved when we’re together.
i don’t know how to fix any of this mess, and to be honest, i’m not sure if it’ll ever get fixed. there are a lot of things that are unsolved, and still a lot of open wounds, but despite all of it, i am sorry. i wish we could start all over again, where the trust wasn’t broken so easily. i wish i could just accept what you’re not and just be fully happy. i wish i could be a better person for you. i’ve always told you that the last thing i’ve ever wanted to do was to hurt you, but i’ve been doing the opposite since the beginning. i’m so sorry i’ve hurt you in so many ways. im so sorry i’ve never made you feel enough, but you are so much more than what i’ve made you feel. you’re an amazing son, a sincere brother, and a true friend. you’re a good person. i hope one day, despite everything, you’ll believe it, if not from me, from someone else, and you’ll see how wonderful you really are.
i love you with all my heart.
