I’ve been distant from this for a short time now. I’ve been distant from much deep thought to be honest. The girl that was riding the lightning, even-keeled in the center of the storm, went away a little while after New Year’s.
Didn’t really realize it at first. It took someone very special to me pointing it out for me to even start re-examining my thoughts, behavior, and general aura. I resisted admitting it at first because I didn’t want to believe that my “spiritual epiphany” had left me behind. But it was a daunting truth and when I finally accepted it, I did nothing to change the situation.
I stopped reading. I graced tumblr and pinterest with my presence whenever i felt like it, but not ritually. Not to better myself but to kill boredom. I became reliant on external things to keep me entertained. And quite frankly, I was too tired to care.
Things stopped looking as bright. Colors were little bit dimmer. The future and its murkiness left me slightly paralyzed, and breathless. But I wasn’t sad. I haven’t been sad. That’s the scariest part. I’m still aware and fully recognize the amazing spiritual transformation I went through 6 months prior to today. So sadness fails in prevailing me. I just became slightly apathetic. I started to ask mega cosmic questions... the greatest being... “and... so what?”
Yeah, just three words but it can rip and shred the very core of any spiritual, religious,or scientific explanation for this thing we call “life.” Gather all the Sufis, Buddhists, Atheists, Scientologists, Magicians, Esoterics, Philosophers, Metaphysicists, and anyone else who has a claim that they understand even a fraction of this and the greater meaning of everything here, and when they’re done telling you their million dollar explanation of Jesus or energy and light or evolutions, ask them that question. So what? What’s the point of all of this? They’ll try to answer it but if you ask enough times, every single person is trumped. What’s the point of eternity in heaven? What’s the point of returning to the source? What’s the end goal here?
You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to think about it. And honestly it’s a little pointless. So I just stopped thinking that much in general. I began to burrow in the surface of things with some slight attention to those great feats of November last.
Until a few days ago. Without going into too much detail to spare myself from sounding like a victim of my circumstances, my back started to act up again. The very thing that caused me to start this blog... hell, to start my spiritual journey. It got to the point where the pills were back, and I couldn’t even sit on the toilet. And the old me started to creep back. The thoughts. The victimization. The feelings of fear, rattling my very core. It’d start with a thought about pain and escalate quickly to thinking about how my future is dismal at best.
But something happened yesterday. Amidst the fear and blame and anger, I stopped and said to myself out loud, “you’re not this Shadi anymore.” I grew out of this. I learned these lessons. I suffered from depression and misery. I became a beautiful soul out of it. So I took some painkillers, rubbed on IcyHot and braced my back with an industrial brace and got in my car. I drove to my happy place-- Palos Verdes...
...And the rest... well the rest will begin to re-fill the pages of my blog. The rest is the flame that was re-kindled yesterday. The rest is beautiful.
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