what i see

(only slightly fictionalized) lily-20-libra moon

[heartbreakingdevices]

the sun set at 7:30 this evening as i made dinner. its no where near home, but its a cathartic feeling, knowing that summer is as welcoming in every place.

[heartbreakingdevices]

i wish i could’ve met u in my hometown. so we would always come back to the same place.

[heartbreakingdevices]

my bed still smells like him

[heartbreakingdevices]

scotland has never seemed more colorful

[heartbreakingdevices]

i’m beginning to miss the feeling of being known

[heartbreakingdevices]

because every time you leave,

it’s like all the air gets sucked out of the room

and i miss u desperately.

but you didn’t even cry when you dropped me off at college,

and i realized that i will always sit here

praying that you treasured our time together as much as i did

hoping, wishing and waiting

on a kind of love i won’t receive

[heartbreakingdevices]

oh lord, when i die, please take me back to that summer, and i will happily live there for the rest of eternity. give me cheap frozen spirits and a dirty room. give me a lack of motivation but a desire to thrive. put me back in my place, on a sticky swing set on a summer night. give me back my angst, my desire for more. rid me of contemptment and throw me into the kitchen at a college party. please, take me back to my youth, to my transitional period, and let me learn it all over again.

[heartbreakingdevices]

19 december 2021

it may have been dingy and overpriced, but the house emanated a sense of warmth. plants were scattered along the beige colored carpet, perched on top of faux-wood cabinets, climbing towards the ever-present sunlight.

there was always loud music vibrating through the sliding glass-door, crawling up the linoleum floor. i fell asleep to the sloshing of laundry in my closet, to the sound drunken laughter.

i will miss this place, the people i lived with here. it was how i always imagined it to be. however, now, i must move on, but no matter where i am, no matter where i live next, i will always miss this place.

i feel as if i gained a new home.

[heartbreakingdevices]

it is all a wonderful shade of gray,

but i miss the contrast.

i miss the way it all made sense

the way everything was so clear

somewhere in the middle i have found a home here

and i cannot bring myself to make the transition i have been so craving

[heartbreakingdevices]

why am i so afraid to accept love,

but so willing to be it’s unsuspecting victim?

[heartbreakingdevices]

i can only hope to meet him again,

lying on my back on the chalk chained concrete,

feeling him hop over to me.

paws on my chest, cementing me to the earth

ensuring that i felt his heartbeat, the rotation of the earth around me

and just like that, he was gone.

just an element in the ground beneath me.

and i’m surprised i haven’t rotted away yet,

because i don’t know if i’ve been alive since.

[heartbreakingdevices]

i recently went to barcelona and realized that i miss all my muses. life is much better than it was but i can’t help but miss all the endless pining.

i pine for travel, for europe, for food, for romance, for stories. i pine for something to make myself feel alive again, to be pessimistic and trapped. oh how i secretly love the lows, the angst, but life has found a way to straighten itself out lately.

yet, for a brief moment in barcelona, i yearned for more, for a sense of home. i yearned for the familiar and that of what i haven’t found.

[macperalta]

THE GREAT 1.02 ➞ 2.05

as you know i am a powerfully brilliant dancer, and am unused to not exercising this brilliance. you wish to dance? if it pleases you. and sort of even if it doesn’t. 

[stream]

Judas and the Black Messiah (2021), dir. Shaka King

[staypftxmarshmall0wboii]

Okay... This is officially an unhealthy obsession. 😳

I’m gonna need to buy therapy...

Ben Hardy as Roger Taylor in Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)

((again...))

[filmreel]

Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore  MUSIC & LYRICS (2007) dir. Marc Lawrence

[heartbreakingdevices]

29 november 2021

i feel a crippling sense of synesthesia whenever i let my mind wander too far. i feel as if i cannot help the ones i love, i feel so lost within my relationships that i cannot help but get lost in the maze of my own mind - tugging at the memories that have gotten buried beneath the mess, dusting off the ones i don't default to anymore.

i'm scared. i never see my parents sober anymore. i never talk to my brother anymore. my cat is getting old and pees on my clothes. i feel as if my previous life is disintegrating and there is no solid ground for me to hold onto. i do not want to go home anymore, but i feel as if i need to.

i think i need to go to therapy again. i wish someone could hear me, but this has all been terribly quiet. a slow fade, like a forgotten memory, and i never saw it coming.