i can't stop thinking about lil teenage tommy hagan and steve harrington doing things that are definitely a bit fruity while they're in the figuring yourself out stages of life. so maybe steve grows up not thinking it's weird at all to want to cuddle or even occasionally kiss boys, or hold their hands, or lean his head on their shoulder while they watch movies. that's just typical friend behavior, he's been doing that with tommy since they were kids and it was never weird.
until it wasn't tommy, it was one of steve's other friends, and they definitely thought it was weird when he instinctively went to snuggle up to them on the couch or whatever. they definitely got very obviously uncomfortable, might have even accused him of being gay or said some vile things to him. so, okay, he gets it in his head that it's not normal, maybe even that it's wrong and bad.
so, he stops being physically affectionate with tommy. he pulls his hand away when tommy reaches for it, shrugs off tommy's arm. pretends not to notice the kinda hurt look he gets in return. when he wakes up after they passed out on the couch during whatever movie it was that week, his head resting comfortably on tommy's chest and the familiar thump of his heartbeat right under his ear, he feels guilty because this isn't supposed to be something guys do but he likes it. but that's wrong, that's what his other friend said, it's bad.
so, he pulls away further. doesn't stop being friends with tommy, but he keeps him at an arms length at best. and tommy gets a girlfriend, and steve is relieved... right? he should be relieved. that's normal, they're guys. they get girlfriends. but tommy's been kind of a dick to him lately, and seeing him with his arm over carol's shoulder, or kissing the top of her head, or her kissing his freckle-covered cheeks, it makes something in his stomach twist. he used to do those things. he wants to do those things still. but those aren't things guys are supposed to do. they're wrong.
they go on double dates sometimes and it's fun. it is! steve doesn't think about the fact that tommy and carol are making out in the movie theater, because he's too busy making out with jennifer, or heather, or christy.
things with tommy are getting weird. he's not being mean to steve, just...vaguely rude all the time. until he starts lashing out, and steve's just confused. doesn't say anything, figures it's probably not his fault, just tommy's own shit. him and carol haven't been doing great.
tommy and carol are on a break, have been off and on for the past year or so. steve doesn't know what fight it was this time. he doesn't really care, past the fact that tommy's upset. they're at steve's house, and they're alone, so they're drinking. to get tommy's mind off of it. steve doesn't know how many beers they've had between them but they're sitting at the edge of the pool, their feet in the water and tommy's leaning on him. he's damn near in steve's lap. would be, if he just moved his leg a little bit. steve doesn't think too hard about why he wants him to. doesn't have time to think about it.
because tommy sets his beer down behind him, tosses it more like, it spills all over the concrete. his hand is on steve's cheek, turns his head, and steve doesn't even try to think. he knows this, it's familiar, it's good. steve's kissed a lot of girls, none of them kiss like tommy. not like they mean it. tommy gets his other hand in steve's hair and steve's arms wrap around his waist, this is normal. tommy is in his lap now, and steve missed that. doesn't get to savor it for long, because tommy pushes him down to his back. tommy's spilled beer soaks through the fabric of his shirt, he doesn't care. this is right.
up until it stops. steve lifts his head off the concrete, tries to chase after tommy's lips, but when something drips onto his cheek, he opens his eyes. tommy is crying, is glancing back and forth between steve's eyes like he's looking for something. he doesn't seem to find it, asks, "why?" steve doesn't know what he means.
when they wake up in the morning, tommy in steve's bed and steve on the floor, he wants to ask. he's got one hell of a hangover but he can't stop replaying that kiss in his mind. he waits to see if tommy says anything. he might not even remember, he was drunker than steve. drunk enough to do things he didn't mean to do, didn't want to do, steve thinks. he wants tommy to have wanted it, though, because something clicked for steve last night.
tommy doesn't mention it. doesn't act like anything happened at all. he's not back to his regular self, but he's back to being the bitchy tommy that steve has known for the past few years, so steve assumes he's right. tommy was blacked out, didn't mean for it to happen. he tries to ignore how his heart aches when tommy steps out the door to go home wearing a change of clothes he'd borrowed from steve.
tommy and carol stay together after that. when they hang out, it's always the three of them, sometimes plus whoever steve is dating that week. steve doesn't get his shirt back, but him and tommy aren't talking nearly as much as they used to, and it's not like he even really wants it back. he kind of hopes tommy will just...wear it one day. like some kind of signal or something. he'll show up to their double date wearing steve's shirt under his jacket and give him one of those looks that says more than words can. says more than steve thinks he's capable of saying in words.
he doesn't. nothing happens at all, until nancy wheeler happens. things are different with nancy. steve wouldn't say they feel right, nothing's ever felt right with any of the girls he's dated, it's still nice. but sometimes out of the corner of his eye he thinks he catches this little look, a little spark of jealousy, but when he meets tommy's eyes directly, it's gone. he must be imagining it.
then jonathan byers happens, and steve says some shit he'd never in a million years actually mean. he's not imagining it then, the way tommy reacts to his words. it's nothing steve's never heard tommy say himself. projecting, he later learns is the term for it.
then it's after jonathan byers happens, and tommy has steve backed up against the door of his car, fists in his shirt, their faces close. it's not like the last time, not like any of the other times they've been this close, but steve can't help it. his eyes fall to tommy's lips, wishes he'd just close the distance. it feels kind of like it's their last chance. he knows tommy won't, and he knows he doesn't have the guts to do it himself. even if he did, carol is right there, they're in public. it's game over for them either way.
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