just keep following the heartlines on your hands

okay this is my personal blog so please don't follow it without asking first thank you

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I Don’t Matter

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looking back idk how I thought I was so attractive in high school I know I’m forever having the opposite college experience but ya I basically came here and realized I’m so ugly. not that it matters but I just don’t understand all of the factors that lead to that change or the two spaces being so different

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not having friends can actually be fun

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not knowing how to use your sexuality responsibly lmao

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getting better at not being sad about people leaving to go back to school

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terrified to go back to school

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in Me, Earl, and the Dying Girl they talk about how you can keeping learning about someone after they’re gone, and I think that’s so profoundly beautiful

my dad started one of the first message boards when the internet was very new, and he was this wise patriarch there and befriended so many people around the world

I only just read all of these letters that they wrote and sent to us after he passed and I’ve been bawling all day. he was so intelligent and thoughtful and clever and hungry to know more, and he did anything he could to help people in whatever ways they needed

finally going to therapy almost a decade later has been really helpful, and I totally broke down doing EMDR in my last session

I lost someone so special and dear to me and never really got to grieve. it was just way too soon and then I kept barreling on through life and no one ever talked to me about it and it honestly still hurts like it just happened.

I also just found out that it takes over ten years for a polyp in the colon to become a tumor and to grow to the point where it’s at stage four. my dad probably had a tumor starting in his early 40′s. 

he didn’t have to die. he could still be alive if he’d had a colonoscopy earlier. 

I feel like I’m drowning this is still just such an enormous traumatic loss and it didn’t even have to happen this grief is paralyzing 

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2000th post

this blog makes me a worse person I think so I'm going to stop posting and starting journaling more often thanks for caring or being curious I guess. some of you and I know and so many of you are mysteries but idk again it's been real cool of you to check in. idk I just noticed this number by chance and it seems like the only way I can get out. I'm really attached to this blog and I'll keep it just as an archive of my thoughts for the past two years or so but I'm not adding to it now and you're not going to be able to see it because it will have a password I'll keep this up for a few days so folks can see it. this is really hard for me to do but this blog has caused too many problems with people I really care about. I'll keep my main blog, luminousorbs, (and my sex blog for fun I guess) but it's just too risky to have my personal thoughts up on the internet for anyone to find. I encourage all of you to talk to me because that's a better form of communication anyway. yep. that's about it. I love most of you a lot <3 goodbye :-)

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it sucks when people avoid conflict ugh pls stop ya brooding and just talk to me

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I feel really hurt and also like I've done damage too and idk how to make it right :(

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I might have to delete... or just add a password... if so it's been real guys

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sometimes I am reminded of how excluded I am by the majority of my grade and I get a little sad but whatever less parties means less poison in my body and less disappointment

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note to self: don't smoke more weed than you ever have before the night before a college interview you WILL be high the next day throughout the whole thing "you have such a sweet and gentle way about you" thanks lady now can u pls turn down the lights a little bit god damn

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doing nothing feels so good

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literally dreamt about being in Paris like shopping and and sitting a café ordering un café and reading a newspaper and it was all in French eep and then I was like on a field trip which was in English but it was cooler in the beginning when I was alone. Although we were staying in an amazing old apartment that was absolutely stunning so that was cool...

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today I

finished midterms

screamed and did a lil dance in the hallway after

smoked a ton of weed

ate food

ate more food

watched tv

napped

went to rehearsal

went to calliope

smoked more

went to the bld

chilled at home all comfy w/ tea

and now I'm going to bed and I'll go to school for fun w.e. I'll feel lame sleeping tomorrow so. it'll be just a chill day

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to go to school or to not go to school