G | 508 | Eddie's inability to control his facial expressions |
"You know people can see your face, right?"
Eddie doesn't look away from where Buck is laughing…with Josh. "Why is he here?"
When he turns to look at her, Karen has an eyebrow raised, whether it's raised in amusement or judgment, Eddie can't tell.
"Why is Maddie's best friend at her son's birthday party?"
"Ugh." Eddie feels his lip curl up. "She has such good taste in everything else, how did it fail her in the best friend department?"
May drops onto the seat next to him, munching on a piece of cake. "Why does he look like that?" She asks Karen.
"He saw Josh."
"Ah." May goes back to eating her cake as if that explains everything, which, okay, yeah, Eddie will admit it kind of does.
"You know it's been years since you worked at dispatch, right?"
"And?"
"Don't you think it's time you get over whatever issues you guys had?"
Eddie and May both turn to look at her with matching incredulous looks. Eddie's never gotten over anything in his life, Karen knows this very well.
She raises her hands in surrender. "I know, I heard myself too. My bad."
"Why does Eddie have his 'trying very hard to be polite' face on?" Chim asks when he joins them a little while later.
"You named it?" May asks with delight.
"He saw you invited Josh." Karen tells Chim at the same time.
"Oh, right. The little hate-flirting thing you guys had going on."
Eddie looks at Chim in horror. He reaches a hand out to Chim to emphasize just how serious Eddie is about this. "Chim, as a friend and as a person, I need you to never say those words out loud ever again." Eddie leans back in his seat with a shrug. "Anyway, if there was anyone I maybe flirted with during my dispatch career," he pauses, shaking his head in amusement when all three of them lean forward, they're so nosy, Eddie loves them so much, "it was probably Terry."
"I knew it," May says, with more energy than Eddie thinks a confession of him maybe flirting with someone almost five years ago deserves.
"Y'know," Karen begins thoughtfully, "I did think it was weird when he asked about you when dispatch helped me get into contact with Hen and Athena.
Chim looks at him for a while, looking lost in thought.
"Speaking of love triangles, in your opinion Edmundo, would it have been better or worse if Buck had dated Josh instead of Tommy?"
Eddie's sure no one has ever felt the level of disgust he feels coursing through his veins. He knows the "trying to be polite" face must be failing because Karen and May look like they're seconds away from bursting into laughter.
Almost immediately, Eddie feels a familiar presence at his side.
"Why is Eddie making that face?" Buck asks. "I don't think I've seen that one before, it's like a cross between his hangry, his PTA look, and the look he gets whenever he sees my parents."
been noodling on the idea that when Buck and Maddie hang out, she tells him about her book club. She gets into detail about Stacy and Monica and their years long friendship, the way they always drive to book club together, how they fought about the book, but they made up soooo quickly when Monica sent Stacy a bunch of pictures of her cat, and frankly, Maddie gets the vibe that they were just using the book to cover up a deeper fight. She tells Buck about how they've been through so much together, they met at work, they've been with each other for the multitude of LA disasters, and they used to be roommates, but Stacy recently moved out and they're just trying to navigate this shift in dynamic and Maddie thinks they just miss each other and should have a conversation about that. And Buck is like listening, but he's also suspicious because Maddie meddles and he hasn't forgotten the "it wouldn't be so crazy." So he’s on high alert, but he’s listening because Maddie is slowly leading him to the well this time. He’s a spooked horse and he appreciates this approach more than the bluntness of before.
So, one day, Buck swings by and Maddie is like, "OH MY GOD Buck! You'll NEVER believe what just happened! Monica called me and admitted she has romantic feelings towards Stacy! Which is wild because 1.) I'm closer with Stacy, I don't even think I've had a one-on-one conversation with Monica and 2.) I didn't even know Monica liked women, which apparently, she didn't even figure out until recently! Anyway, we're going to read Emma next, maybe shake something loose with them." and Buck is like "ah. I see. I need to go." because he thinks Maddie is trying to tell him subtly that Eddie told her he has feelings for Buck. He like jogs for a ridiculously long time to get to Eddie's and is like "you have romantic feelings for me." and Eddie is confused, but is like "yeah, sure do." and they kiss and later he's like "why did you tell Maddie?" and Eddie is like, "what?" so Buck calls Maddie and she's just like "jesus christ Buck, not EVERYTHING is about you or Eddie or you AND Eddie. These are very REAL women. God. Typical man, making everything about himself.” And Buck is like horrified and whispers “I’m sorry, I swear I’m an ally :(“
best friends to lovers is about DEVOTION it's about CODEPENDENCY it's about the intimacy of being known and being seen it's about holding someone so close to your heart you forget where you end and where they begin it's about knowing the worst parts about someone and loving them not only despite but FOR it
No, but like @bucksbeagle 811 posting the other day hasn't left my mind. It is the actual sequence of events. Buck can't handle being alone because of Eddie being gone, being around Maddie, aka a sibling bond, is a distraction that doesn't actually help him because he still can't be at the house, or the manifestation of his loneliness. Maddie then tells him to go make another friend, he goes hang out with Ravi, who is a friend, and it doesn't help him. He is then dropped in the lap of his ex, and then sex is the thing that helps him actually face his loneliness. Sex. Crucially, something Buck does not do with Eddie. The thing Buck used for years to pretend he had love and closeness. The thing that helps Buck is the potential for a romantic relationship. And the physicality he does not have with Eddie. He only stops missing his best friend while considering a boyfriend. And then he actually admits to his feelings. "I don't have to want to sleep with everyone I have feelings for." The feelings are there, but he feels offended by what he took from the implication that Eddie was the competition, the implication that he would act on those feelings even if he was in a relationship. And then he implies he doesn't have feelings for the person he just slept with. "And I don't have to have feelings for everyone I sleep with." And then he freaks out about an accusation no one made, and tries to deny it. And the physical part is so much louder when you consider Buck and Eddie have barely touched since 810. Buck generally doesn't initiate physical contact, but he has not let himself casually touch Eddie since 811. There have been a couple of fist bumps, but like, nothing of note initiated by Buck. The one thing that made him feel better about missing Eddie is the romantic aspect he admitted to wanting, and then turned around and stopped himself from letting it register, drowning in the denial, because that beautiful traumatized man can't let himself see that not wanting just sex is the point. And he wants so much more from Eddie that he can fully ignore the sex part. Especially with his track record and the fear he has that sex is what ruins his chance of real connection that he expresses to Abby. And that's legit the text of the episode. That happened.
@buckweek day 6: thirty-five | G | 1.8k | Buck is feeling some type of way about turning 35. Eddie shows him there's nothing to worry about. | read on ao3
"You know, this would've been done earlier if you'd let me help you," Eddie says, sidling up beside Buck where he's standing at the kitchen sink.
Buck hums and grabs another plate to dry. "It's your birthday, Eddie. I'm not making you do the dishes after your own party."
"It was hardly a party," Eddie says. "Besides, you cooked. You shouldn't have to handle the clean-up too."
"I love cooking for you," Buck says, with a shrug. It was no trouble, really, hosting a dinner for Eddie. Buck would've done more—a lot more; thrown a massive party and hired a venue and a caterer and a DJ—if that's what Eddie would've wanted.
But Buck knows Eddie. Knows all he ever wants is to be surrounded by those he loves. Their family (the 118 and Athena. Pepa, and Maddie, and Karen, and all the kids) had gathered out in Buck's backyard because it was bigger than Eddie's own. They hovered around the barbecue and then later, the bonfire. Now it's nearing midnight, and everyone has long since gone home—everyone except Eddie and Chris—who is already fast asleep in Theo's room, wiped after an evening spent entertaining an excited toddler.
"Well, it's appreciated," Eddie mumbles, then he pads across the kitchen to the fridge and grabs two beers. He sets one down on the counter before twisting the cap off his own. "For when you're done," Eddie says, and he takes a sip.
"Thanks," Buck replies, and he works in silence for a few more minutes, drying and setting away the dishes. Eddie watches him, hip leaned casually against the kitchen counter, occasionally pulling on his beer and sometimes, when Buck spares a glance out the corner of his eye, it almost looks like Eddie is blushing.
"You know this means you're not allowed to help with anything tomorrow, right?" Eddie says eventually, as Buck rinses his hands and goes for his own beer. Feels like he could use a drink with the reminder of his upcoming birthday. Not long now—less than fifteen minutes, according to the digital clock on the microwave.
Buck waves Eddie off as he takes a swig, but Eddie persists. "No! If I can't help today, then you can't help tomorrow. Birthday rules."
"We're not even doing anything for my birthday, Eddie," Buck says. It's not because they don't love him and want to celebrate him; it's just that, well, they were all here tonight. And sure, Buck had invited everyone under the pretense of Eddie's birthday, but it was Buck's house, and they were all there, and Buck and Eddie have always been weirdly codependent. It seems everyone had the same idea to simply celebrate both.
"Buck," Eddie levels him with a look, eyebrows raised as if to say, really? "You don't really believe me and Chris would let it pass without doing anything, do you?"
Buck sighs and rests against the counter right beside Eddie. They're hip-to-hip, shoulders bumping and arms brushing as Buck raises his beer bottle to his lips. Maybe there should be some space between them, leave room for God and all that, but Buck doesn't want to do that, and there's no one around to tell them they should. Besides, Eddie doesn't seem to mind as he leans a little heavier against Buck's side.
"Not really," Buck admits, "I guess I'm just not feeling the birthday spirit this year."
"I can tell. You've been quiet tonight. What's got that big brain of yours doing all this thinking?"
Buck's eyes flit to the microwave clock again. Ten minutes.
"Just life, you know," he says, keeping it somewhat vague because he doesn't want Eddie to push. Of course, Buck should've known better.
"What's wrong with your life?"
"Nothing's wrong!" Buck rushes to reassure him. Truth is, Buck is a little ashamed about the anxiety he feels pooling in his gut, the cold, hollow loneliness he sees when he gazes out at his future.
He loves his job, and he loves his found family. Is so happy to be fostering Theo. He'd never trade any of it for the world, but the truth is…Buck thought he'd have more figured out by now. He's always been social, likeable. It's never been difficult to get a date, but now he's a handful of minutes away from thirty-five years old and he still hasn't figured out the trick to making someone stay.
"I thought I'd be closer to settling down by now," he admits softly, and Eddie's brow pinches in a way that's so subtle, Buck almost misses it. "I'm almost thirty-five. I work crazy hours and now I have a kid and that— well, it complicates things. I don't want to introduce anyone new into his life and uproot everything now that we've finally found some stability, but…I'm lonely too."
"Buck," Eddie exhales, and he's leaning in so close now that Buck can feel that puff of air on his neck. It makes him shiver. "You're not alone."
"I didn't say I was alone," Buck says, turning his face to meet Eddie's eyes. They're big and round as they stare up at him, almost sparkling in the kitchen light. He's so close, too. Crowding into Buck's personal space like he has shares in it. If he just tilts his chin a few more inches, it'd be resting on Buck's shoulder. "I said I'm lonely. That's different."
Eddie's face pinches again, and Buck is looking at him too intently not to see it. He's seen that look before, when Eddie doesn't think Buck would notice. He saw it back when they were standing in a different kitchen, taking their anger at Bobby's loss out on each other; he saw it when he was Freddy Fakeman; he saw it when he told Eddie that it was a date he'd walked in on, that Buck likes men; he saw it when he said Natalia just gets him. Buck has seen that look so many times over the years, and he hates it. It's the only expression he doesn't know how to read on Eddie's face.
"What exactly are you looking for, Buck?" Eddie asks softly, no judgment in his tone; all curiosity.
"Someone I can call when things are tough with Theo, or to celebrate with when things are good. Someone to help with grocery shopping or setting up the Christmas tree. Hell, someone to split gas costs with. Just…someone who chooses me. A partner."
"You already have all that," Eddie says, rounding on Buck so they're standing face-to-face, Buck trapped between the breadth of Eddie's body and the counter. "You have me."
He says it so sincerely it almost breaks Buck's heart. Eddie is his best friend, and Buck knows he means well. But he's spent so long—years, probably—not looking directly at his feelings for Eddie. Over the past few months, with Eddie around even more often to help with Theo, it's been harder and harder to avoid looking. Buck's feelings for Eddie are like the sun; bright and burning, they nourish him and warm him all over, but they're dangerous if he gets too close. Lately, he's been getting closer and closer.
The last thing Buck is looking for—the thing he won't admit to Eddie—is an escape. Someone to eclipse that sun, help Buck move on, stop wanting something he will never have.
"Even you won't be single forever," Buck says, trying for a teasing rib, but it comes out more like a pained whine. Whatever. If Eddie notices anything in his voice, Buck will blame it on being tired. "One day you'll meet someone. You don't— We won't be able to put each other first forever. And even if we could, I wouldn't want that for you. You deserve to be loved, Eddie. You deserve to be happy."
Buck expects that undecipherable look again, but Eddie's face opens up in dawning realization instead. Then he's laughing. It's quiet because the boys are asleep, but his lips pull back to reveal his canines, and his eyes are crinkling at the corners, and the balls of his cheeks are going pink.
"I am happy, Buck," he says eventually, shuffling closer so his feet slot in between Buck's. They're almost chest-to-chest. "Everything I need is right here, under this roof."
A lump lodges itself in Buck's throat. Eddie's looking up at him through thick lashes, eyes glittering and a soft smile on his face. Hope blooms in his chest like wildflowers in an open field, beautiful but invasive. Buck tries to pull it out by the roots.
"It's not the same as a romantic relationship," Buck says, shaking his head. "I can't give you—"
His sentence is cut off by the firm press of Eddie's lips against his own.
The kiss happens so quickly it catches him off guard and he tenses under Eddie's touch—one hand in his hair, the other on his bicep. Buck is quick to collect himself and kiss back, though his brain hasn't quite caught up to the fact that Eddie is kissing him. He doesn't know what that means, but Eddie tilts his head to deepen the kiss, steps forward so they're flush against each other completely and—oh. Eddie is just as interested as Buck is.
Buck loses a little of his composure and whimpers into the kiss, but he has enough of his faculties about him to remember how to use his arms and brings them to wrap tight around Eddie's waist. Eddie hums his approval directly into Buck's mouth.
He doesn't know or care how long they stand there kissing before they part, gasping short little breaths into each other's mouths, neither ready to de-tangle their hold just yet.
"I have everything I want right here," Eddie reiterates. "I hope you do, too."
"I do, Eddie," Buck says so fast he almost gives himself whiplash, ready to drop to his knees and beg if he needs to. "Everything."
"Good," Eddie says with a single, controlled nod, followed by another quick kiss. His eyes drift to the microwave. Buck doesn't follow his gaze; he has better things to look at right now.
"I love you," Buck whispers into the night, because he can't hold it in any longer. The words have sat in his heart for so long they're seared into the very fiber of his being, but it eases some of the burn to finally let them out.
Eddie's eyes return to him, and he smiles, warm and gooey like the lava cake Buck baked for dessert.
"I love you too," he replies, fingers digging into the flesh of Buck's arms and tugging gently at his curls. "Happy birthday, Buck."
All Buck can do is smile because in his arms, he's got everything he's ever wanted.
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this is my last fic for buck week but thank you all for reading <3
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