“Survive me?” He didn’t comment on the manipulation or the habit he had indeed made of it. If he did, he would lose all he was working for here. All he had been working for - even when he was told she was with someone else. He didn’t think he’d ever not be drawn to her. He’d been caught in her orbit and everything he’d done - every unhealthy thing before Jason and he ceased their engagement - had been done to keep her.
“Was I so bad?” He asked her, feeling hurt, though he had no right to. He knew what he had done. He knew how he must have hurt and twisted her with his lies and deceit and cheating. Questions were Defense mechanisms - a hope that she would give in and tell him that ‘no, it’s not your fault I feel shit’, and that they’d be together again.
Somehow, he knew that wouldn’t be the case this time.
“I’m not playing.” He told her honestly. “My honesty - my truth - is that I am caught, being pulled under by your wave time and time again, and everytime I come up for air, it’s more painful than slowly suffocating had been.” They weren’t good together - not when Freddie was… who he was. But he could be better. He could get help or something. “I’m starting to speak to someone.” He said, though he hadn’t started just yet. He’d only just decided to, after all. It wasn’t really a lie if he intended to make it the truth, was it? “About everything going on with me. My… issues, or whatever.” He looked embarrassed to even admit he had issues. He felt ashamed at being embarrassed. He wasn’t ever like this - not around anyone else. His hand reached up to rub his neck nervously. “I’m getting help.”
Since they ran into each other again, Mackenzie had tried so hard not to talk about the past, not to rub any of it in his face, not to hold it against him. But here she is and here they are, ripping the bandage off a wound that still felt fresh no matter how many months had passed. She wonders, however, if this time around he’s the one who keeps pouring salt in her proverbial wounds or if she’s doing it to herself.
What did she think would happen by allowing him back into her life? She should’ve known better and, honestly, maybe she did. Maybe she did know it would burn and allowed it anyway - that had been the problem with them from the start. He’d hurt her and she’d stay because maybe she liked the way it hurt a little too much, maybe nothing was worse than being without him. But she had done it, he’d sent her away and she had stayed away. It doesn’t feel like it’s working now, though.
“Yes. Yes, you were.” Her voice breaks and she looks away, arms crossed over her chest and nails caressing her own skin before fingers still once more and she looks back at him. “I would’ve done anything for you. I would’ve done the best and the worst things for you and you didn’t deserve that. You didn’t deserve me.” The thought of him getting help, however, is surprising if she can believe it to be true.
Still, Mackenzie’s confused, shaking her head slightly as she tries to digest his words and make sense of them - make sense of what he means by them. “That’s good,” she whispers a little too quietly, hand lingering in the air for a moment as she hesitates before resting her hand on the back of his own, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m glad you’re getting help. Really.”