sad soul

will i ever be happy

[luthienne]

Franz Wright, from God's Silence; "East Boston, 1996"

[Text ID: Walking home, for a moment / you almost believe you could start again. / And an intense love rushes to your heart, / and hope. It's unendurable, unendurable.]

[heereyeth]

13 March 2022

Here I am again. Back to feeling pathetic and sad. What a lonely life I live.

[fuckyeahpaganism]

[heereyeth]

19 February 2022

Wow, it’s been a while!

Life has gotten a little better. I guess that’s why I haven’t been on here.

I have been thinking about why I only have the urge to write when I’m feeling down. Needless to say, it helps me process what I’m going through at the moment more and better. But wouldn’t it be better if I also write about the happy times? So when I go through this blog, I can also read about the good times. 

But I don’t think I’ve ever written about any happy moments. The more I think about why, the more I come to realize that there’s been too many low points that I just want to live in the happy moments. I just want to enjoy it. I want to get absorbed in it. I even barely take pictures to commemorate it. I guess I just want to experience it purely and remember the feelings and emotions; how it smelled, how it sounded, how it felt. Not that writing and pictures don’t help preserve the memory. But I guess, it’s just, I want to live in every second of it, without having to pause to take a picture or to think about how I will write about it.

Although maybe I should, at least, do try to keep a photograph or a try to write about them. As I might regret not doing so. Or will I?

[physicsphysics]

[heereyeth]

15 Abril 2021

Nagkukwento yung kapatid ko about sa plans niya after college. Nakakatuwa kasi ang dami niyang gusto itry at mukhang planado niya na ang mga gusto niyang gawin. Nakakatuwa din kasi the way he was telling me about it, parang wala siyang ibang iniisip kundi sarili niya lang. I’m happy for him kasi alam kong magagawa niya yung gusto niyang gawin basta mapagsumikapan niya. Pero at the same, medyo nakakainggit. Nakakainggit kasi I didn’t have the luxury to do and pursue the things I really wanted to after college kasi I needed to work. I needed to find a job immediately so I could support them.

I know how it feels like to have no one and to have nothing and I would never want my siblings to feel that or go through that. That’s why I picked them over my wants and dreams, over the things I wanted to do. Swerte nila mabait akong ate. Haha. I’m happy for them, I really am. But I can’t and won’t deny that there’s a tiny part of me who feels sad and jealous. Because they could easily pursue the things they want to with less worry, whilst all my plans and dreams have been parked since 4 years ago to give way to them.

Sometimes I wonder what my life could’ve been had I picked myself first. Would I have been happier? Would I (or we) have had a better life? To be honest, I don’t know and I don’t really want to think or dwell on it. Why? Because I know that if I had to go through this again, I’d still pick my brothers and sister over myself so I could give them a better life. And them having a better life than I did, that would make me one of the happiest and proudest sister on earth.

But still, a part of me is sad for my what could have beens. Maybe in my next life I’d have it better and I’d be happier.

[heereyeth]

25 December 2020

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone, especially to those who are surrounded by many people but still feel alone.

May we all find a place or person to call home.

[heereyeth]

02 December 2020

I feel sad and lonely. But I don’t really have the time to mope and stay in bed. Guess I just gotta suck it up.

As always.

[heereyeth]

Crying myself to sleep is my new lullaby.

[heereyeth]

01 December 2020

December 1st realization:

I gotta start wearing my ‘nicer’ clothes and dressing up more. I’m only young once and I only live once. I don’t want to look back and see myself looking so plain in pictures (not that there’s anything wrong with that). And I don’t want to regret not putting up more effort to make myself look better and more stylish.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m always comfortable with what I wear and I would always put comfort over style. I’m not trying be in or trendy or influencer-wannabe. I just want to start exerting a little more effort into how I look not because I want to fit in or be liked, but because I know it will make me feel better about myself.

The thing is I don’t really want people giving me attention and commenting on what I wear. So I don’t really make an effort to make myself look more stylish even though I know I could find style in comfort and comfort in style.

And now I realized I just gotta do it, you know. F*ck what other people say or think.

Maybe because I’m not getting any younger.

And maybe because I want to be myself more.

To each his own!

[heereyeth]

12 November 2020

I feel like drowning from this sea of thoughts and anxiety. Everything is moving so fast. Everything comes rushing in at the same time. Someone save me.

[heereyeth]

12 November 2020

I wish time would stop even just for a day. Everything is moving so fast. We are all growing old so fast. I just want to take a break, a breather.

[heereyeth]

Toothscapades 2020

I’ve always been scared of doctors / nurses / hospitals. Bad experiences and memories, blah.

This June, I went to the dentist on my own. Quite a feat, really. (Only because my toothache was unbearable tho haha.) I literally cried when I realized that I really needed to get checked. I was freaking scared. But I did it. And darn, I’m proud of myself.

03 June - check up. Guess what.. I cried while talking to the dentist. 22 year-old me. Embarrassing but exhilarating. The dentist was really lovely and nice. She took all my fear away. She was amazing.

12 June - first tooth extraction turned teeth extraction. Good bye, wisdom tooth! I wasn’t scared. At all. I was at ease and it was quite a nice experience. Didn’t hurt at all (thanks to anaesthesia). Took shorter than expected (more or less 30 mins only).

One week healing process was really smooth. No pains, no over swollen jaw, no fever. I could do some light workout and I could eat rice and almost anything!

19 June - 2nd teeth extraction. Pretty much the same experience as my first extraction. I might be a little blessed that it was a smooth procedure.

Healing process went by quickly as well. No pains, no swelling, no fever.

It’s been 2 weeks since the last procedure and it feels so long ago already.

Yes, yes, I know. I should’ve taken better care of my teeth. I should’ve gone to the dentist ASAP. I kinda regret not going to the dentist earlier when I could’ve saved my teeth. But I just know if I could go back in time, I still wouldn’t go. Because. I’m. Effin. Traumatised. I am just darn proud of myself for overcoming that somehow. I don’t feel scared going to the dentist anymore (mainly bc my dentist is really nice and kind). I know I’m still scared of hospitals and other kinds of doctors, but I took a step forward and I know I’ll get past my remaining fears some time in the future.

I do wish my teeth were better and still complete. I do wish I was braver. But I took a step forward and somehow faced and overcame my fear, and that’s what’s important.

[heereyeth]

17 June 2020

Darn. I just want to say I’m so lucky to have my boyfriend. <3<3<3

[heereyeth]

15 June 2020

Every day our government disappoints us and proves that it does not serve the countrymen, but serves their own asses. It’s not even news anymore.

[the1975music]

[marctanphoto]