I have always been overweight my entire life. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. My mom is overweight, but my sister, granny, and dad are fairly healthy people.
I remember always being happy when I ate food. It was an escape for me from my emotions. I didn’t have the worst of childhoods. My parents did get divorced when I was in daycare, but I don’t remember that, and I know their divorce was for the best. The only bad thing I can remember about my childhood is being beaten by a wooden block by my daycare and they would lock us in a bathroom if we cried. We called one of the ladies “Cathy Squeeze-hands” because she would grip our wrists and squeeze really hard if we weren’t making her happy.
I was teased about my weight by other kids and adults since I was little. The main culprits were my family members. It’s as if that’s all they can focus on. At family outings, they would always comment on who lost or gained weight. My biggest bully is my granny. She would always make rude comments about my weight. The most recent was when I was in Lane Bryant getting my bra sized and when I was disappointed that my bra size didn’t change after losing 20 lbs, she said, “Your stomach is the biggest it’s ever been, notice that?”. After that comment, I went into the dressing room and cried. I went to a very dark place that day. I thought, “since I can’t lose the weight, maybe I just shouldn’t exist”.
I struggle with depression. I’m not on medication, but I would love to be. The next few stories are the backbone of my weight problem. I wasn’t sure why, but last night I figured out why I couldn’t let myself lose weight.
My daycare was one of many blockages in my life. I was in a fist fight in 7th grade because the girls were bored. I was bullied about my weight and boyish looks. But nothing compared to high school.
My sophomore year of high school, I had just gotten my braces off, reached 180 lbs, and I got contacts. I was ready for high school. Within a week, I met my first high school boyfriend. He cheated on me and ran off and had sex with my best friend. He didn’t like that I didn’t want sex so he decided to do that with other people. I was devastated. I remained friends with the girl, and I was still hung up on the boy. Nothing was going well for me that year. My mom had gotten married to a man I didn’t like, and then this. My friend kept threatening suicide, so I thought it sounded like a good idea for myself. In December of 2007, I tried killing myself with pills at that friends house. After I woke up, I lost all religion and belief in God. I really wanted to die that night. I gained 20 lbs after this.
My junior year in high school was a little better. I was around 200 lbs at the time. This guy in band had always been creepy. I dated him in junior high school but he cheated on me at that time, so I broke up with him. He was the first guy I made out with. He and I had many classes together this year. He would constantly message me asking what I was wearing. Even if I had on sweatpants and “granny” panties, he would always say he’s turned on. I was trying to get him to go away. I remember saving all of his messages because he just creeped me out and I wanted proof that this guy would be a future rapist. I was semi-correct. He had given a presentation in one of our classes that day and was messaging me about how I thought it went. It involved food, so I told him it was a good presentation. He asked if whipped cream would have made it better. I was joking and said, “whipped cream makes everything better”. Maybe I was asking for it, maybe he’s just messed up in the head. He told me he could bring me some and asked where I wanted it, so I said “a spoon”. I thought I was pretty clever but that only egged him on. He asked if my parents were there, and they were, but I told him that they weren’t. I didn’t think he’d come over. I get a text saying that he was mad because my parents were home and I had lied to him. I was freaked out at this point. I knew something bad was going to happen. My parents left to visit a friend in the hospital. The guy had stopped texting me at that point so I felt relieved. I guess he drove by again because he said he’s coming over now because my parents were gone. I kept telling him “no”. Next thing I knew, I heard footsteps on my porch and I saw that the door was unlocked. This was a moment where everything is frozen except for the bad thing that is about to happen. I couldn’t move as I watched the door knob twist and turn. He came inside. I had luckily texted my best friend and told him that I was worried something bad was about to happen. After that text sent, the guy came to where I was sitting and started to pet me in places. I kept saying “no” and he kept rubbing and grinding and groping. He then lifted me up and started to dance and I remember thinking “when will this nightmare end”. He threw me down on the recliner and kept trying to kiss me and grind against me, and I got mad. I shoved him off saying that he had to go. He told me he wasn’t going until I kiss him. I didn’t want to, but I wanted him to leave. I gave him a quick kiss and he said that wasn’t good enough. So I kissed him, and he stuck his tongue down my throat and kept groping me. I shoved him off saying he got what he wanted now he had to go, but he said he wasn’t going to go until I promise not to act weird the next day. I promised and he left. I locked the door, called my friend and had her come straight over. I have never felt so disgusting in my life. I felt dirty. I felt used. I had to share classes with him for the rest of the school year. I told some of my friends, but my teachers never knew why I would have panic attacks in class when he was around. I wanted to tell, but I didn’t think I had a case because I provoked him.
He’s getting by okay…and that makes me so mad. Students didn’t really believe me except for a lot of girls. They had been victims of him stalking them. I was just an easy target for him.
Freshman Year of College, I got down to 225 lbs. In January, my childhood best friend and I went on a trip to DC to visit her boyfriend. He boyfriend brought another guy along. After we picked them up, they immediately asked my friend to go to a place to get weed. They lit up, hot-boxing me against my will. This was a sign that this was not going to be the best day. We went to the movies, and I kept falling asleep, so the guy (call him, “Terror”) grabbed me awake and told me he has ideas of how to keep me awake. I said “no thanks”. He grabbed my hand for the rest of the movie. That was red flag number 2. We had gone to dinner then went back to the hotel. We started playing games, and it was “Never Have I Ever” that turned the events around. Terror found out some things about me that I guess turned him on. My friend and her boyfriend suggested 7 minutes in heaven. They would go to the bathroom and we could stay in the room. I told them I didn’t want to play, but they went into the bathroom anyway. My heart sank. He immediately pulled me to go onto the bed, and I told him I didn’t want to. He got on top of me and started to grind on me. I pushed him off and went toward my phone. He took my hand and made me touch his penis. I yanked my hand away and said “no”. As I was shoving him off, my friend and her boyfriend came out of the bathroom. It looked like we were caught in a consented act, so they offered to go back to the bathroom. I looked at my friend and begged her not to go back in there. She went back in. Terror instantly grabbed my hand again so I could touch him, but this time I felt betrayed. I elbowed the guy, grabbed a hotel key and ran to the nearest stairwell. There, I had a panic attack. I felt alone. I hid in there for another 30 minutes then I heard my friend calling my name. I waited until her voice was faint and I went back in the room and grabbed my phone. I went back to my stairwell and called a couple of people. I texted my friend from college but she had gone to sleep. I was scared. I stayed in there for another hour and a half. I texted my friend that I didn’t want them to find me. I eventually went back to the room and talked to my friend about what had happened. I asked her to force him to leave. She wouldn’t because that would mean her boyfriend would leave. I begged, but she didn’t believe me. She thought I asked for it. I had to sleep in the same room as him. He slept on the same bed as me. The next day, they wanted to go sight-seeing. She made me sit in the back with Terror. We went to the Washington Monument and that is where I disappeared. I was livid. She wasn’t getting rid of them. Finally, she was ready to go back to West Virginia. I remember smoking an entire pack of cigarettes on that car ride. He got by. As soon as she dropped me off at the college, I went to my best friend’s room and had a massive panic attack.
And that’s when I started to gain weight like crazy.
I’ve decided that if I’m disgusting, then I should look like it. I honestly think I don’t believe that I deserve to look good. Maybe I’m scared to look good because then I would be raped.
Now, there was good out of this. I met my boyfriend 2 weeks after. We have been together for 4 years, going on 5 years.
He has seen every part of me - suicidal, angry, sad, depressed, and extremely ecstatic.
He was there for me when my mom kicked me out of her life. He was there for me when I thought I couldn’t hold on anymore.
But I want to look and feel good for him. I hate that I don’t feel sexy. I feel disgusting. I want to get past this. I need help knowing what to do to feel good about myself.
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