hell

poems u wish

[hellgatenewport]

Ride home from seeing you

Empty describes me to a tee right now

It ain't a wow or how's that

I just feel like that

The world moves around me

But I don't feel like I'm in the right galaxy

I'm in a taxi, see, heading back to bed

My head feels foggy

And this feeling isn't lost on me

If I could be what I wanted to be

I would

But I probably could've

Had I known then

How important everything was to me

I wouldn't take it so lightly

It might be the right idea but the wrong time

I feel like a bombsite

But I'm alright

I'm gonna make things okay

Because they can't stay this way

I feel the decay, the rot at my skull

Dripping down to my bone marrow

A sparrow in a tree

And the other days three crows circled me

There's something eerie in this time

Nothing's yours nothing's mine

We're all just pantomiming life

And I dont get what's all the fight

Everything's a struggle

Verily, I fall into puddles

The cuddles never lasted long enough

I never put enough trust in her

Everything, for sure

I am in agony because purity is not my forte

Anything I say can be used against me

What could be so wrong I feel the need to hide and compartmentalize myself

Maybe it's to protect my health

I don't know what helps anymore

I spiral in a circle, then fall like a turtle

The hurdle is like the purple of a summer sunset

I don't want to go yet

I haven't even expressed it all to you

I can only see you for a while at the time

Even now love, the time isn't even mine

The world's never been kind to us too

And that makes me really blue

Cause all I wanna do is be with you

The raindrops drop heavy on my Lyft window as I leave from seeing you

The sky is grey, bringing out contest to the green trees

I am about to cross the Mississippi in a bridge

I wish I could sleep in your fridge

I can never spend enough time with you

I used to

But then I lost it

I'm sorry, my favorite comet

You were always so honest to me

I just couldn't see that you were telling the truth

But of course you were

You'd never lie to me

But I thought you would, sadly

Because I couldn't see how much you loved me really

I couldn't see it clearly

I'm sorry, ikwe

No where's a home to me

Unless I sees you in my living room

No bedroom is nice unless you're in our bed

No bathroom is fair unless it's where you wash your hair

I don't care where we go

I just want you to know

Because the glow in your eyes

Makes me not want to die

Because I try for you

I cry for you

You're too beautiful for me

You're too pretty

You're all of the above

I trust you

Because no one's ever felt this true

I can hold you in my arms

You won't harm me, truly

You just hold me so steady

I wish I was ready

I'm sorry I didn't have our road too good

I'm sorry I would I would

I'm sorry our path was offbeaten and defeating

I'm sorry for all the times we didn't eat

I'm sorry for all them times we didn't sleep

Spooking ourselves awake

I'm sorry for our earthquakes I'm sorry for our thunder

I'm sorry for everything I said to your mother to offend her

I'm sorry I didn't have your back all of the time

Because I saved my own hide first

And it hurts because you're the one for me

I can't see anyone else

My heart just melts but my wax is impure

I wish I would've done you better

I'll never remember, I'll never forget

I just hope that our love never left

A cleft in a bridge your my beer in the fridge

You're so much more to me

Than stupid as words

Because honey, my head does hurt

And verse is hard to communicate in

So I'll commit a sin and I'll give in

Because all I want is you and dinner

I just love you

I never really know what to do

I trust you but I don't trust myself

I don't trust anyone else

I think they're all out to get me

You're the only person in which I can truly rest easy

Its crazy, everything really is

I ask the universe, what gives

It tells me what lives and what dies

And there I go again, I break iut in cries

Because the wise question dumb shit

And I don't question it enough

Because it's all a tough equation and I'm not even sure if I'm sapient

I'm trying to be patient

But I want to run to you

I wish you and me could sleep on the moon

Through the whole month of June

And the dunes afterwards

I'll guard our castle with swords and pens

Everything bends

I wish I could pretend

Nothing else exists but you

And sometimes it feels true

Because I never knew someone like I knew you

We have too much history

You know too much about me I know too much about you

It's all complicated

We're too intertwined

If you cut us a apart I think it would break our heart

And i think it did

Cause I haven't felt the same since

I stopped living with you

Honey, I wish I knew what I know now

I would do so much different

I love you

I know I do

I love you so much

I die without your touch

My taxi ride is about done

I love you, honey bun

[hellgatenewport]

Black nail polish

I was living at an abolitionist commune

Where I'd study runes and consume media

I ask what is being free to ya?

Is it anything particular

Is it a feature or a bug

the rug always pulls from under you

We just don't see

Ask me how my day went

About the dent in my skull

The mull, the hull, the cull, and the pull

All just pulling opposite directions

[hellgatenewport]

Render unto ceaser

Traded a bible for some weed

I must've had a need for the herb instead of the word, oh lord

It's absurb, I smoked it all in an irts

Sitting outside, ass on the dirt

It was a copy of the living bible, and that fact made it worth 2 grams,

I can't understand, I'm only joking

Smoking it out of a metal pipe

With a clear white light(er)

High as a kite

Was it worth the flight?

Tonight I go without my living bible

I have some more bibles, but it still hurts to part

I collect scriptures like literature

I showed some hitherto unseen biblical texts

I impress people with my arcane biblical knowledge and countless translations

All of these things make me sound ancient

I am more patient than my father the satanist

He who sacrificed goats at altars

And falters before Satan

I hate him, for unrelated reasons

The seasons change and the turn

I felt the last of that weed burn

It tasted like citrus fire

like mountain dew live wire

I got higher, then got tired

mired in my own faith

I'm a waif, I'm too helpless to be this zealous

I'm just jealous of nothing

But I'm scared of stumbling

And crumbing into myself

Whatever else

[hellgatenewport]

Untitled #72

digit age for a stagehand who can't hardly stand

bland like white rice with butter and salt

im an adult, temporarily

At least until I got to therapy

Sometimes it feels like there's no one there for me

It's scary you see

And lonely

My only constant is the moon

and assumed bonds

my friends are all gone

and my girl's sliding off the hook

I feel like the ending of a bad book

I think I'm a crook, a rook, maybe a pawn

I don't know what I want

I don't know what I need

I bleed weed and nicotine dreams

screams in timetables

Mentally unstable

The cable is watching me

and the holy see disregarded me

truancy is lunacy, you see

c c c c over the sea

of humanity

I can't give into insanity

I can't fall apart

I can't sacrifice it all for my art

a start promises an end

heartbreak takes a friend

when you bend and break

and you take more than you need

Is that greed or just the way to succeed

what you need, what you need

the seed falling off the plant

I think in my past life I was an ant

but I can't remember that far

you remind me of a car door

always opening in the street

wheat weighs less then flower

time is worth less by the hour

power is not measured

and the soul is not severed

weathered heathered

All of the above

I think I love, just because

[hellgatenewport]

Holy smokes

Love means dirt when you're being hurt

curt contrails like the wails on the walls

all these falls and all these passions

I can't quit the way I'm acting

like holy smokes

I can't wait for the day I croak

love means dirt when all you do is hurt

burnt on the fingers you're a damn good singer

damn good sinner if you weren't such a winner

what's for dinner says the clock on the wall

but all you can afford is cheap alcohol

my stomach hurts and my brain feels worse

I feel a curse I don't know what I did to deserve this

catch me in some starving bliss

a kiss and tongue and I'm worried we're close to being done

I'm still so young but I'm tired of the run

tired of the rum, tired of the cum

tired of the sum of the moving pieces

tired of the creases I always fall through

You know me, I'm just the fool

it's not that cool when you're out of school

and when your whole life feels like an endless swimming pool

cool to the touch but all sorts of rush

these days remind me of a camel crush

brush with death and last breath

brush with death and he came and went

I spent all my money on popcorn and cookies

Can't you take the time to look at me

holy smokes I miss the holy ghost

been so long since I ate the host

drank his wine and felt sunshine

mine, oh, mine this life isn't fine

I whine, I weep, I collapse

I speak, I feel so weak and unsteady

hold my head until I'm ready

[hellgatenewport]

Words for the birds

What goes wrong

is always thought upon

We never give much credit

to what went right

it's too bright

It's too dark

Why do we think of things so damn stark?

you sound like a dog barking up a pole

Don't you know your role?

I'm a prole

Simple man

I never been a parolee and I was born in April, see

You couldn't be me

I couldn't be you

So what's up between us two?

you're like June

I'm like July

im sorry the fireworks make you cry

don't ask why, I'm unprepared

I don't know how I fared this well

I think I'm in hell

Half of the time

half the time I can't even rhyme

for the sunshine

For the birds

All this is just simply words

[hellgatenewport]

Life is blue

Life is gray

Life is whatever color that you say

there's a will and a way

Don't let anything get in your way

Today isn't like yesterday

because it is today

[hellgatenewport]

A mistake is what you take with you

Amber, yellow, blue

Like the flu it haunts you occasionally

patiently it waits for the lunacy

To die down

Being around is not the same as being found

the ground is not a suitable bed I said

As I crumbled into nothingness

Pure, unadulterated bliss

When you miss a bed and your head hurts

Words matter a lot

[hellgatenewport]

Death's danse

Carving, scarfing, marveling, harvesting

the cards sit at a broken table

Two black aces and two black eights

the shadow waits for the eventual date

to state, a date with destiny

you see, death is just the same lame game to the tame old reaper

he's taken Christ, he's taken a leper

All of us to that old great ether

or that old great either, either ether works here

I wish the grim reaper would buy me a beer

and pass me the dutchie

I wish he'd smoke me up like a trust fund yuppie

and we'd drunk together a pitcher of good old sweet tea

and me and him we'd play a few games

War, craps, tarot, poker

I never took death for a toker

and then we'd broker over a piece deal

he'd bet me a few years, what a steal

and he'll squeal with delight to light up my cigarette

and he'll tell me hints of what hasn't happened yet

He doesn't forget, I bet

that's a wet brain's sort of thing

stumbling through time one dime at a time

death doesn't whine

He's always on time

rain, or sunshine

he says "you're mine"

I hope he's kind and limber

I hope he gives me a hug as my lip trembles

Death isn't the devil

he's an old family friend

You ain't seen in a long time

you're enjoying a meal on his dime

my advice: take your time

And enjoy the sunshine

because crying won't make him take pity on you

for one thing, it can be rude

but don't brood, just relax

it's all a part of the tax

the shacks, the mansions

Alister Crowley, the devil Manson

I heard of them all dancing

the danse macabre

Our prance in the fields

when our time does yield

that which steals

always heals

It feels like the end

but it's never the end

One end is another beginning

Don't you hear that beautiful singing?

[hellgatenewport]

As the wind blows, out to the window

my babies are starving

and I don't have enough for car keys

my knees are swollen and sore

I can't take this anymore

we're poor, but I'm on an entire different level

I'm not one to revel in

Petty things

but it makes me cry when I can't get my wife things

there was a body mist at the checkout

but I didn't have enough to get it, I pout

I had about 12 bucks

but we needed money for snacks

the only food I can provide right now

and I don't know how

all of this is going to work out

what route we'll take

I feel her belly quake from hunger, or becoming a mother

I can't tell one from another

but her belly moves all on it's own

Doctors diagnose it a "I don't know"

but she show, she's showing

she's absolutely glowing

and she's got growing pains for days

I think I'm going insane

plain white tees

and dirty crust knees

The breeze on my fleas

and the freeze on my please

What frees us catches us

Through and through

what binds us bound us forever

Matthew 18:18

the other night I had the most horrifying dream

but all I can remember is that I had to scream

[hellgatenewport]

By the zine mind/ by design, mind

Byzantine mind at ease

Freeze, float, pedal

metal settle like kettle, gentle

eventual sentimental,

dental cracks like whack

like a tack up in my gums

What runs but is never up to speed?

What do you need, but don't believe

what leaves without coming

what's something I can disagree with

[hellgatenewport]

Saint

My mama said don't worry

Life ain't a hurry

As we went to bury our dead

My Grandma's head as I felt her hair

And mom asked me to sage her one last time

I bought me a dime bag and played tag with myself

and prayed to the angels, if only that helped

and I melt in a puddle

don't ask me to cuddle

I'm simply just mourning the dead

I gave her a bed of roses

wrote too many proses

and proposed to the future I met

now I'm off to be wed

but I can't get over

the feeling of missing the dead

[hellgatenewport]

what a waste of love i do it just because the must is better that the musk busk and barrell a tale old as time something rhymes with this way pray and say your goodbyes dont ferment alcohol with lies ties are a not knot but a lot to carry sins are a lot to carry weary, wear me like your favorite tie dont ask me a why otherwise ill cry try for no reason at all lay in the grass catching leaves in the fall it's all good it's all good i would do better if i could but the lord is a wound and my mother was a womb do you remember when the cross wandered out the tomb to consume is to eat to reheat old pizza is to admit you need them blameless share in the care wear consumes to the gloom get a room, two lover birds words only convey so much that could be potrayed through touch man, you give me such a rush you're like a crush and a trustfall all in one run with me for the hell of it pop my zits when i get too sick burn me like a candle wick our love was never meant to be quick it was meant to be thick and hard to swallow i hope i see you tomorrow

[hellgatenewport]

if the stars fell today know what would you say would you drop to your knees and pray or would you lay down for a rest would you close your eyes and wish for the best could i hold my head to your breast and hear your heartbeat soft as we're waiting for the test it's a mess and a quest wrapped in one i hate thinking we're done we're young and dumb and fed by crumbs and bums the sun's gone too soon how can we presume it goes away? stay, stay, stay the way you are so i can draw you in a nice sports car don't disremember me when im crying at the bar you know in my heart you're never too far

[hellgatenewport]

rest

I love you from the bottom of the well ringing like a bell stinging like a spell i don't care if the oceans swell might as well drink when it hurts to think might as well stare when it hurts to blink a wink is a whisper in third person what's hurting baby what got you in agony don't let it hurt me too blue is the color of the breeze brown is the color of your knees i always say please when i ask you what color is the sun we run towards rising horizons but never caught the tail of the rat it's that and that end you aint a doll, you cant play pretend a young bud bends but doesn't break thats how you know it was taken too soon by noon we'll be blazed and making love like we're crazed the daze, the daze, carry me like a haze it weighs on my conscience when im trying to be honest

[hellgatenewport]

I'm all out of luck

and almost out of fucks to give

this is no way to live

with all my broken stones

crumbling like homes

My boots are scuffed and the professionals call me disheveled

with the wherewithall to fall apart

nothing seems to make sense

everything is by chance

I danced with the devil in the moonlight

but it was you who kissed me goodnight

I'm all out of light

flickering whispering flames

it's one of god's games

who to blame when it came on my own accord

im not bored, I'm just a dull sword

floorboards creak and squeak

when I want to speak

I feel so week

like I'm dissolving in water

I think I'm a goner

but that would imply some honor

[hellgatenewport]

now you see I went searching for my mind

and you'll never believe what I could find

I could rewind time like a tape player

I could cherish the moments and rewatch them later

a favor from who knows who

I'm not thinking about it too much

I'm through what's new

sitting here without a clue

just thinking of me and you